“Whatever happened to ‘thou shalt not kill’?” it raved in a guttural tone, holding his head in his hand as his decapitated body bore over me. “To bless your enemies even as they curse you? I didn’t deserve to die!”
“The hell you didn’t,” I whimpered, cringing away and, jamming my eyes closed. I whimpered again as I felt clammy hands go for my wrists. “No!”
I screamed out as I felt hot liquid come down over me and I knew it was his blood. I jerked away, but I had nowhere to go as I still against a wall. It hissed in my ear.
“You think you are so much better than us,” it crooned. “But is what you have done any better than our transgressions? Open your eyes!”
“No!”
“I said open your eyes!” it shrieked.
It seemed even in my adulthood I couldn’t resist a direct order from him for fear of his wrath. But as I opened them, I choked in horror as I saw every one of my victims, all inclusive of the mortal wounds I had dealt them, closing in around us. Their hands reached out for me, all dripping with blood.
“I was Cain’s friend,” Senator Jennings called out to me, blood gurgling out of the slit throat I had given him. “Why? Why?!”
“Because she is evil,” Tiranshyck giggled, his detached head hanging right next to mine.
“No,” I cried as it stuck its tongue out at me, clearly gleeful at my terror.
“Yes,” it insisted, opening its mouth again and spewing out an awful mixture of blood and vomit on me.
All I could do was cry, curling into a little ball. No matter which way I twisted, their hands still grabbed at my skin. In some way I knew the voices were wrong, but in my tormented mind, I knew they were right as well. To kill was just as evil as the deeds they had committed. I had committed evil just to prevent more death and destruction. Did that make me any better than them? Did it?
I didn’t know. I never did. All this was was a constant endless spiral into death, whether for good or bad. And I was sick of it.
“You’re one of us,” he crooned, stroking my hair. “Accept it.”
I couldn’t. I never could. ”No-”
“It is what you are,” a new voice whispered in my ear. My eyes bolted open and focused in on my mother as she stroked my hair. Her violet eyes were wide and innocent as she sneered at me. “Why do you think I sold you? It is your nature. Accept it.”
I opened my mouth to speak but couldn’t as her hands clenched around my throat. Her eyes turned to violent red and she leaned in as I shook, powerless against her. “Accept it.”
A dagger was thrust into my hand and she grabbed it, dragging my hand with it. I struggled and tried to get away as she poised it over her heart, her face taking on a maniacal fanaticism. I pulled back my arms to try and stop her, but found I couldn’t. It was if my body was obeying her wishes and not mine. I let out another scream just as it was about to pierce her heart. But I wasn’t going to let her win. I jammed my arm into her knee and turned the dagger toward my own chest. And then I drove it home.
“Rain, stop!”
My eyes jolted open as Cain’s voice came through to me. Startlingly enough I saw the point of a dagger over me, then both him and Michael holding it. Under their hands were mine. I had been pulling the blade toward my own heart. They had been fighting to stop me. It was yanked from my grip and Cain stared down at me. “What the hell was that about?”
“I heard her let out a yell in her sleep,” Michael exclaimed, looking horrified. “And she just flipped out! She pulled a dagger out from her boot-”
“Let me guess. You grabbed her wrists,” Cain grunted, sitting back on his heels.
Michael let go of my hands and they fell to my chest. I looked away from both of their studying eyes, swallowing hard. “Sorry.”
Michael flopped down onto the sand with a moan, brown eyes still wide with shock. “What the hell happened? Was she drugged?”
“Do me a favor, Mike,” Cain murmured, still watching me intently. “Go get my canteen. She could use a drink.”
“So could I and I’ve never had one,” he replied, unsteadily getting to his feet. “One of those vodka tonics my father favors sounds good right about now. Whew-”
“Move it,” Cain barked in an authoritative tone that sent him scrambling to do as he was ordered. Then Cain’s gaze was back on me. I shrank under his concerned gaze. “PTSD my ass. You have DESNOS. And what you are doing is reticulating it, isn’t it? Isn’t it?!”
“What?” I asked confusedly as he glared at me. “I don’t understand. You think I have-?”
“It’s another word for it is C-PTSD,” he snapped at me like I was trying to hide something from him. Then it seemed to dawn on him that I truly was confused. His expression softened. “It’s essentially PTSD but on steroids. It comes from long term abuse and trauma. You’ve never seen anyone about this, have you? You’ve never gotten any help.”
I sat up, rubbing my eyes. “It’s not usually this bad. It’s just seeing Tiranshyck again…” I shook my head, trying to shake the horrible feeling off. “I’m fine, really.”
“That’s what my best childhood friend said to me a mere two hours before he put a gun in his mouth,” Cain snapped, starting to look mad again. “And I’m the one who found him, brains splattered out everywhere. This is not something I am going to ignore-”
“I’m not like your friend, Cain,” I snapped, seeing his intentions. “This is how I live my life. It’s not going to go away if I sit on a therapist's couch.”
“I’m not dumb,” he growled, leaning in close. “I know that. But you also have to know that constant restimulation makes everything worse. As soon as soldiers are diagnosed, they are placed on leave or discharged immediately-”
“Do you really think I want to keep this up?” I snarled defensively. “It’s either this life or let evil win and I’ll be damned before I’ll let that happen!”
“Either way it won’t matter one bit if you kill yourself!” he bellowed.
“I don’t care,” I hissed so low that I almost made no sound at all, looking away. “I won’t let this happen to anyone else.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him draw back. We were silent for a minute, both of us not sure what to say. My heart was still pounding from the shock and I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. That was when he spoke.
“And that’s what drives you, isn’t it?” he murmured, eyes far away as I met them. “It’s not rage, not greed. It’s fear; fear for others. And you keep punishing yourself because you can’t make that fear go away, hard as you try.”
That statement made absolutely no sense to me. I looked at him, not trying to hide my confusion. He ducked his head. “You won’t let yourself be happy until you bring down the slave trade.”
To that I had no reply. Nor did he seem to need one. He stayed silent as Michael came up and thrust the canteen at me. I took it, giving him an unfelt smile, smoothing my hair back as the wind picked up a little. “Thank you, Michael. I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
“No,” he said emphatically. “Other than a panic attack, I’m good. So I guess this would be a bad time to ask you if you’ll teach me how to be an assassin?”
I stared at him incredulously as his grinned faltered and then faded. “Um… bad time to make a joke?”
Cain shook his head as I gritted my teeth. I knew it was no joke nor did I have the patience to tell Michael off, so I sneered instead. “Why have we stopped?”
“The men needed to eat,” Cain said, still looking me over. “And the tracks we had been following went cold-”
He cut off as I stood and headed to where he had been haphazardly pointing. I’d do anything to move away from his concerned stare. I hated that, too. I knew better than to think he was genuinely concerned. Either that or I did appreciate it and still didn’t want it. I didn’t need anyone else’s help or their friendship.
Being in people’s company again was bringing back all of the old problems: feeling too much and too strongly. And most of all t
o my concern, Cain seemed to be dredging up most of the problems in that arena. He was getting too close for comfort.
I stalked out about twenty feet and stopped with a sigh, trying to focus on the task at hand. I was still glumly checking for the tracks (frustratingly enough they had all been blown away) when Cain sauntered over. He looked worried still, but he was trying not to show it. Tiranshyck’s men all parted as he came past and ducked back over into their own group. He glanced back at their turned backs. “I don't trust them.”
“I know,” I said, rising from my squat. I straightened my tunic and cleared my throat, not sure how proceed with him. There was a new level of awkwardness between us after what had happened in the last half hour. I didn’t like how beholden to him I was becoming. “But if you have an alternative, please share. Now could you move? With all due respect, I have better things to do than yap with you, McRattin. People came through here but I can't figure out how many because the wind has shifted the sand.”
“So we’re back to surnames,” he groused, sensing my pathetic attempt to place barriers between us. He snorted humorlessly. “I save you from impaling yourself and again I’m the bad guy?”
I so did not want to be having this discussion right now. I patted his chest with a fake smile and continued walking. He followed. “You just hate that I saw you all vulnerable like that-”
I cursed in my other tongue under my breath as he followed along behind me. “Vulnerability is a state of mind, one I lack. Don’t you have something better to be doing?”
“Are you trying to intimidate me with the whole emotionless bitch act?” he said without amusement, completely ignoring my question. “Because I’m not buying it and I am not going away. Not after what I saw only a few minutes ago. You’re stuck with me, sweetheart.”
But then his tone changed. “But maybe that’s what scares you. Maybe you’re every bit as attracted to me as I am to you. You enjoy being stuck with me.”
Attraction? He had to be kidding. But apparently he wasn’t finished. “You know, I’d bet you wouldn't be above using sex as a weapon. Let me broadcast then. I’m open for assault.”
I stopped dead in shock as he left that allusion hanging in the air. Then I replayed it in my head. He was trying to get a rise out of me to make me talk to him. I wouldn't give him that satisfaction. I snickered. “You men are all so manipulable. One whiff of promise and you’ll sell your soul. A kiss is a device, nothing more-”
“Sounds like you’ve never been on the end of a good one then,” he drawled before I could finish.
He laughed as I shot him an incredulous look, turning to look at him. “You’re too easy. I’m just trying to get your mind off your problems. Ever since Moor En you’ve been-”
He froze in place with a fearful expression that startled me. It was an odd thing seeing plain fear on his features. He usually hid it so well with his buffoonery. I looked down and saw a scorpion crawling up past the safety of his boot and onto his leg. I shrugged as he squirmed, amused by his phobia. “Just shake it off. It’s looking for warmth.”
“You expect me to what?” he said in a strangled sounding, higher-pitched voice. Poor fellow. He really was terrified of the thing.
“Seriously?” I grabbed it by the tail and lifted it up to his face. He backed away from it as I laughed. “The only time to fear a scorpion is when you panic and do something stupid. Here.”
I grabbed his hand before he could stop me and placed the scorpion on it. He held his breath and stared at me instead of the creature as it scuttled around for a second raising its tail to sting. After a second the scorpion stood down and the tail relaxed. He did, too. I smiled. “See? No reason to fear.”
“I think you enjoyed that,” he said sounding much relieved and shooting me a dirty look.
“This species is nonvenomous, Cain,” I snapped. “Though I’m sure if you’d go out, find a rattlesnake and let it slither up your pants, I’d be a bit more amused.”
“How do I… get rid of it?”
“Flip your palm over. It’ll drop.” He did and so fast that I started to chuckle. He was cursing fluently under his breath as he watched it crawl away. “Honestly! You’d better pray we don’t come across any camel spiders. They scream when they chase you, too-”
I laughed harder as he grabbed me around the middle and playfully growled in my ear. “Knock it off or I might have to make you my personal creepy crawly watch woman at night. After all, we’ve already slept together and I have reason to worry about you stabbing yourself.”
“I’m not sure what game you’re playing at-”
“Who says it’s a game?” he murmured. I froze. That was the truth. I could hear it in his voice.
“Cain,” I said slowly. “You need to find someone else who’s capable of-”
“I don’t believe it,” he cut me off, arms constricting around me, making me breathless. Whether it was from the constriction or the contact, I wasn't sure. “You’re capable. I don't mince words, Rain. I know that any breath could be my last with what I do and we’re both heading back into a firestorm. I’ve been fighting this attraction since I first laid eyes on you. I told you that before, but you didn't believe it. Maybe you’ll believe me now.”
“And it has nothing to do with pity if that’s what you’re thinking, since I saw you all ‘vulnerable,’” he hissed in my ear before I could interrupt him. “Pity is the last thing on my mind. Trust me.”
“Considering our previous words, I doubt romance is either,” I said flippantly, trying to pry his fingers off my waist.
“I had to get your attention somehow,” he hissed in my ear, thwarting my efforts entirely.
He attempted to turn me to face him but I stayed planted, feet firmly in place. He came around my side, still keeping a close grip on me, probably so I couldn’t run. “I want the truth. That’s all I am asking and all I will ever ask for. I want to know how you feel.”
He traced his fingertips up the side of my face and caressed my cheek. I shivered. So much for putting space between us. Between his searching gaze and the warm feel of his fingers on my skin, I was having trouble remembering why I was so determined to keep him at arm's length. I peeked up at him and then looked away again. The way he was looking at me was not helping. “I don't know. But-”
I swallowed hard, new unpleasant thoughts coming to me. Even if we did feel for each other on any level, it would never work out. “There’s one flaw with this reveal. You don’t trust me-”
“I want to trust you,” he said seriously. “Just give it time. Stop coming up with excuses and give it real thought outside of fear. Cast aside your agendas.”
“Agendas? You’re a soldier,” I snapped, desperate to get free of this discussion. “We’re at odds right there. You get orders; you obey them. As soon as this is all over you’re going to go right back to the men I’ve set out to eliminate. Are you telling me you’re going to step aside and let me do that?”
“You said you were done-”
“I said I couldn’t stay in Nacin, not forfeiting the war on slavery. I am an enemy of the state, Cain, and you are the state. I am against the slave trade and you-” I cut off with a crack in my voice, biting back anger. “You have done nothing to stop it. Nothing.”
I knew I had hit my mark as he cringed a little, knowing my words were true. He even had the sense to try and look a little guilty. But I wasn’t swayed. I let out a mirthless laugh. “You can’t honestly say you would turn coat on your own city. You’ll go home and feed big brother government some lie that will absolve you and they’ll take their number one poster boy back. We’d be over before we even started.”
“Who says I’m going back to them? Do you really think that little of me?” he said, starting to sound angry. “With what’s on that hard disk… If it indicates someone in that city, I’m going after them with all I've got.”
He jerked my chin up so I had to look at him. “I’m not going anywhere sweetheart, so stop trying to avoid this
. No excuses.”
“I have no intention of being the next ‘McRattin girl,’” I said scathingly. “Forget it.”
“Where do you get these ideas?! There are no McRattin girls! Any escorts I take to events are prearranged and they certainly do not come home with me and jump in my bed!” he thundered. “I am so sick of the egotistical bullshit that goes on in the city. Do you have any idea how much I hate everyone valuing me because of some stupid title?!”
“Is he bothering you?” Michael asked, coming up next to us.
Cain did not take kindly to his intrusion. “Michael, stop tryin’ to interfere-”
I took the opportunity to shrug out of his grip. “Boys, please get over yourselves. We have better things to do than bicker over me. The thrill of being fought over is gone. ”
I heard Cain say something malevolent sounding under his breath as I sauntered away. I knew he'd try to corner me again, so I needed to keep on the move. That and get out of Dodge as soon as I could. But did I want that? Troublingly enough, that set off a dull ache in me. Damn him for bringing this all about.
Everything I had said would ring true. Cain would go back to his ‘masters’ and we would eventually meet again, only to clash as enemies. We may have been getting along now, but I wouldn’t allow myself to fall for his charming attitude. I wouldn’t allow myself to fall for him in any sense of the word at all.
I glanced over my shoulder at the two of them. Michael seemed smug with the fact he had disturbed whatever moment the two of us had been having. Cain was glaring at him like he wanted to clock him one. When I turned away, I heard a whump sound and then a yelp.
I turned round again and saw Michael sprawled on the ground a few feet away from where he had been a minute ago, spitting out sand. Cain innocently strolled up behind me. He grinned unrepentantly. “Might want to teach the kid to watch his step. Never know when he might trip over nothing.”
I never got to reply. Our entourage started exclaiming excitedly about something they saw in the distance. I called over to them and asked what was wrong. I frowned at the response. “We’re about to have a visitor. They’re on a speeder, five minutes out.”
War Machine: Book One in the Destiny In the Shadows Series Page 22