“Why should I have bothered?” he murmured, oxygen tubes under his nose marring his ability to talk louder. “Until we were free, why distract you? There’s nothing you could do anyway. This is seemingly the end of the line no matter what you do.”
“Not one more word of pessimistic beliefs. You’re going to recover.”
He didn’t fight me on it. Instead he moved his fingers up beneath my eyes, tracing the dark circles. “You should rest.”
“I’m not closing my eyes until you are in safe hands,” I insisted shrilly. “If there’s anything further I can do, just say it. My sitting here is not helping. I’m sure the expression on my face has you even further convinced you are already halfway into the grave.”
Again he went for the thing I was least expecting. “If only the offer were real. To have you look at me the way you look at that general.”
Only he could choose to address this at this time. “With disgust?”
“You lied,” he accused dolefully, a crack in his voice. “You have chosen him. I can see it in your eyes. The way you went in after him in the ring. You were afraid for him.”
“Yes, but I would have gone into the same ring for you, too,” I murmured softly.
He looked away. “I’m a fool. When I got you away from their camp, I thought that I’d get you to come away with me. Not so. I didn’t see how far gone and how deep you were in it. I should be quiet,” he abruptly decided. “I’m upsetting you.”
“No, keep talking. You need to stay with me here. Stay awake,” I pleaded.
He traced my features for a minute, and I closed my eyes, leaning into his palm. His frail heartbeat fluttered under my cheek. “You know what? There is something you can do for me. Just lay here with me until they come.”
“I won’t fit.”
“Humor me,” he said, eyes unashamedly asking for compliance. I sighed and sat on the edge of the stretcher. I was right. I barely made it onto the unoccupied space. But I didn’t take into account that he was planning to do more than have me stay next to him. He pulled me close so that he had me under his arm and I was half lying on his chest. I was acutely uncomfortable with this, but I knew better than to let on. He had to know and judging by the way he closed his eyes and smiled, he didn’t care.
“This is nice. You are surprisingly warm blooded despite the grim reaper rumors. Maybe that’s it. I wouldn’t object if you had come for me, to steal me away.”
This was entirely the wrong thing to say. My tenuous grip on my self-control shattered and tears leaked from my eyes at the mere suggestion of his death. He grunted and patted my back. “Now I’ve really gone and done it. Me and my big mouth.”
“You are going to be well,” I sniffled. “That’s an order, not a request.”
“Aye, aye, Captain,” he said, humoring me. We were silent for a few minutes then. Fortunately, I didn’t have to prod him to keep talking. He was rubbing his hand up and down my back so I knew he was awake. I released a shuddering breath as he pressed a kiss to my temple and whispered, “They’re coming for me. I can hear the aircraft. I’m loath to let you go, though. I’m not likely to get this kind of attention again.”
“We’ll see about that.”
“This has been a nice gift,” he continued over me. “I am grateful for it.”
I, too, could now hear the chopper. I looked at him squarely as I sat up slightly. With the way things were heading now, I had to set my feelings aside. I had to give him incentive to live. “If ‘nice’ is the best you can do, I think I’ll have to do better.”
And with that, I leaned in and placed a light kiss on his lips. I pulled back and bowed my head. This was an incentive and also a precautionary goodbye in case the worst should occur. I swallowed hard. “That’s the first one I’ve ever given anyone willingly.”
When I met his gaze a few seconds later, his eyes shone with love and understanding. I tried to sit up, but he held me fast, some new objective in mind. “Then I’m going to be a greedy bastard and take what I can get.”
He pulled me back to him then and kissed me passionately. I didn’t try to object. Even as he tried to stir up some emotion with me, all I could feel was regret. I let him take me along for the ride as he carried out what he had been apparently dreaming of for half of his life. It was the only parting gift I could give him and I wouldn't take that away just to spare myself.
He refused to relinquish my hand until they lifted the stretcher onto the chopper. I backed away from it as the blades began to spin and it lifted into the sky, but still his eyes remained on me. I held myself together even through the weak little wave and salute he sent my way when it lifted off. But when I was no longer visible and it soared away, I crumpled to my knees. Dantenn may have been wrong about many things, but one fact still stood without question. Indeed, I was not made of stone.
* * *
“Is he dead?”
What a callous way to broach the subject. Maybe I looked terrible to him, but then again, I had been crying the whole way to this dirty little office. I guess I hadn’t gotten all of the pooled tears from beneath my lower lashes. “No. The chopper took him, Cain.”
He shrugged, looking bored while hastily shifting through the mountain of papers in front of him. Michael sidled over to me, looking equally unaffected, though concerned with my state. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”
Enough with this. “Have we learned anything?”
Judging by the irritable expression on Cain, the answer was ‘no.’ “It seems that Rogee did leave out some convenient information. Xorratti hasn’t gone rogue at all. He’s cleaning up a mess. The Confederacy of Nacin bought the nuke from Tiranshyck, who had originally discovered its location. Rogee’s signature is even on the check and deposit as is Senator Jennings’. As it turns out, he was Rogee’s liaison to communicate with Tiranshyck before he died.”
So I had inadvertently had a hand in this mess. With Jennings’ death, I had caused part of this mix-up. I sat down wearily as Cain continued.
“But after his death, Vinkent Xorratti took over the negotiations and somewhere in there, I’m guessing that the nuke was stolen from him. That’s why Vinkent has been tearing up the desert for it. Not only is the city in trouble, his ass is also on the line since it was in his possession when the damn thing was taken. And since Xorratti junior caused me to prematurely cut the cord on the interrogation of his sons, that’s all the information I’ve got.”
Michael shot him a nasty look that turned guilty as he looked at me. “One can understand why they didn’t want to tell us. If the bomb goes off, they’re held responsible. But we still have no lead on who actually has the nuke now.”
“Tell me about it,” Cain shot back before I could speak. “This would explain why your father wanted us out of the way. They always meant for us to track down the nuke without finding out about their mistake. I think Xorratti panicked and decided to off us to cover his own ass.”
“But on another note-“ He tossed me a wad of papers that I caught clumsily. “Those are yours.”
Turning through the pages, I was astounded. It was the original certificate that denoted my ownership to Tiranshyck, along with a new amended one with Cain’s name. Behind it was an emancipation declaration. I stared at it disbelievingly. Peeking up at him, I saw he was still watching my face. I smiled and nodded gratefully at him. He frowned. “What? Did you think I would hold this over your head?”
I forced myself to speak. It came out even rougher than I would have expected. Today seemed to be the day for emotional overloads. “I just never thought I would hold this in my hand.”
He stared at me as I tossed it back to him, now equally confounded. I forced myself not to smile at his confusion. I pointed at it. “If I should be taken by the slavers, that’s your key to getting me back. Show them this, and they’ll be forced to release me to you. You keep it until the mission is over and then I’ll take it back.”
Maybe he knew the trust I was placing in him; maybe
he didn’t. All I knew is I had never done anything like this before and I hoped I wasn’t being downright stupid. He had played it straight and I was trying to do the same. He looked down at it and grunted. “I ordered that all the other slaves be released and I had a summons sent back to my base for troops. Rogee can have the pleasure of cleaning up Chernobial.”
I nodded and then visibly started with his next statement. “And as for our marriage, I’ll let that stand for a few days.”
Maybe my wild-eyed expression gave me away because he continued on with some amusement, “If we should be taken into custody back in Nacin, it means they can’t separate us. Spousal rights and all that prevent it. We can annul it at the appropriate time should we choose.”
Amusement was not what I felt at the implication we might not want to. Incredulousness was more like it. Leaving me out of the equation, what was he playing at? He’d be the first one raring to be free, not me. “No wonder Michael looks downright vomitus.”
He rolled his eyes and came around the front of the desk. He didn’t get to reply as someone called him from outside the door. He poked my nose with an amused expression. I watched him leave, mystified with his behavior. Michael had settled himself in one of the enormous armchairs. My less than irate expression at his gesture was apparently not appreciated. “How was Dantenn?”
“He’s strong. He’ll fight it,” I said, more to convince myself than him. “Anyway, what happened once you two were taken? I know you and Cain were in the ring, but other than that I am in the dark.”
“Nothing spectacular,” he said dully.
My next attempt was to lift him out of his mood. “Still. I must thank you. It was very brave being a ‘lure’ for the spider, not to mention lying spur of the moment like you did.”
His response was unexpected. “He said you had been tortured before.”
“On several occasions, yes.” He leaned forward in the chair toward me and it let out a long pronounced squeak. I hid my smile behind my hand. I had a feeling his next statement would not warrant a smile. “What’s wrong, Michael?”
I was right. He sighed and put his face in his hands. “I was so wrong about the life you led. I thought I could keep up with you, but now I’m not so sure. Watching you on that table, thinking that you were going to die, I felt like my heart was going to be ripped out. You sat there lying to me, trying to make it easier, but it didn’t work. I was completely helpless and I knew it. I got lucky that the guards took off. If he hadn’t, as soon as I had broken free he’d have shot me. Even so, I would have tried to save you.”
He swallowed hard. “If this happens again, I’m not sure I’ll be able to take it. Maybe I’m not cut out for this kind of lifestyle. I thought I wanted it, but now I’m not so sure.”
I was touched by his sentiment, but kept that to myself. I didn’t think he needed my appreciation so much as encouragement and advice. “You think that I was so different when we first began? When I first killed someone, I cried for days even though they had come to rape me. Usually I still do over a kill, no matter who they are. It’s never easy for anyone. It’s a choice.”
He didn’t look at my hand as I reached out and took his. “I think you are doing an amazing job for your first mission. Lying like you did, taking on the spider… You can do it. But personally, I wish you wouldn’t. You have this wonderful, innocent quality about you. I don’t want you to lose that. It may be too late for me, but you can hold onto it. There are so many paths to affect the world in a positive way. Find yours. If you feel that you don’t want to do this, then don’t. Trust yourself to know what you want.”
He said nothing for a moment, not meeting my eyes. “I froze out in the ring yesterday. I saw the oncoming panther and just stopped. I was of no help at all.”
Here was the heart of the issue. “You made up for it today.”
“Who said it won’t happen again?” he snapped. “I panicked.”
“Sometimes our reaction is not consciously decided. Whenever someone touches me, it unconsciously sets off a fear reaction. Touch my scars and I freeze, too. But now Cain has pushed my limits so far, when he hit those scars earlier today, I didn’t even notice.
“So what I’m trying to say is if you react in certain way you don’t like, try to expose yourself to it again. Your reaction may surprise you. We all have our failings. I hate cars. Cain used to hate the sound of gunfire, and Dantenn is deathly afraid of lightning storms. Even as we move past our fears, they don’t abandon us. We all know how to put on a show. That’s all.”
“I so get that. I’m afraid of my own father,” he spat bitterly, avoiding my eyes.
“One would never know.” This was a complete surprise to me. I paused, waiting for him to speak but he didn’t. He kept tracing the top of my knuckles much like Dantenn had. “Do you mind if I ask why?”
He overcame his hesitation quickly. “He can be a bit heavy handed. Even as I now can easily overpower him, I still can’t do it. He has the power and he knows it.”
“But still you find the courage to oppose him at every turn,” I said softly. “But that’s not what you meant, is it? I won’t pry into your affairs, but I think you have a lot more in you than you give yourself credit for. It will come when the moment is opportune. Give it time. You are so much younger than you think.”
“And you, too,” he said, looking up at me. “There’s only a decade between us. That’s not something we can’t overcome.”
And now we were back in the danger zone. I tried to withdraw my hand but he kept it firmly in his grip. “If I leave, then I’ll lose my chance at what I want. I’m stayin.’”
He had neatly boxed me in so I couldn't argue with this idea, using my own advice against me. I shook my head, abruptly exasperated. “Fine. If that’s your decision, so be it.”
“If this is in some way about preserving my ‘innocence,’” he said, eyes alight with fire. “Then I don’t want to keep it.”
I lifted his hand off of mine and stood. “I meant to choose what was best for you in life, not in love. It takes two to tango in that arena, and I don’t dance.”
This was of no problem to him, however. “I can and will teach you. I don’t give up.”
I kept walking in circles because I had a bad feeling he would embrace me if I paused. “Determination is useful when used in moderation, but don’t take it to the foolhardy level.”
“Is this over the drawings?” he demanded. “Because I desire you? I haven’t tried to hide them from you. Why should I? You should know how I feel.”
This was so not heading in the direction I wanted. “This is not the time to discuss this.”
“Then when will we? No matter how much time passes, there’s still going to be a decade stuck between us.”
“My point exactly!” I turned and faced him. He was standing feet planted firmly, jaw set stubbornly. “You seem to think that I have given some preference to one of you. I have not. I am throwing a roadblock’s worth of discouragement. The only reason that Cain gets less is because I’ve learned to save my breath. He doesn’t listen anyway!”
“And neither will I,” he growled.
This marked the end of my arguments. Anything further would be pointless. He had the bit firmly between his teeth and would not let go. He moved to take a step further, but my expression must have indicated that was a bad idea. He opened his mouth and then shut it. His expression softened, about to say something else when the door opened.
“We’re all set for the off. Argon got a message through to us. One of his buddies is at the edge of the gate waiting for us. From the message that I got, he has a useful tip for us.” Cain paused over his paperwork, looking at the two of us. “Something I should know about?”
Michael made no move to step back, so I did. “Male incorrigibility.”
“Ah. I thought my ears were ringing,” he said cheerfully.
“No. Others were being… warned.”
He eyed Michael who had yet to stand d
own. He shrugged. “Some can’t carry it off as flawlessly as I can. Others try to wear their sensitive interiors on their sleeves like catnip, but personally I’m not into that.”
“We’ve noticed,” Michael snapped, retreating back to his corner, plans foiled. “And it’s not always in your favor either.”
“Not all of us are the hearts, flowers, and kinky, perverted artist kind of man.” Michael had the grace to turn red on that one. “You see, that gives your intentions away. You want them to be a surprise. That’s why she never knows what I am going to do next. Anticipation is everything…”
“You two are so predictable,” I muttered. “Bitching at each other like old women. We have more pending things to be discussing!”
“And you’re not predictable?” Cain snapped, temper rising. “You can’t tell me you aren’t planning to avoid me by using him to hide behind.”
“Please,” I scoffed, patience lost. “I’m not afraid of you.”
“‘Course not,” he said as I brushed past him for the door. I was forced to pause, however, when he grabbed my shoulder and leaned in close. I shivered as he whispered in my ear. “You’re afraid of how I make you feel.”
And with that, he breezed past me into the hall, leaving me speechless, with a spring in his step.
Chapter Twenty Two 02:18:17:41 to potential nuclear explosion
Cain’s comeuppance was not long in coming.
After we left the building, Cain had informed us that he had procured us new transport. He also had my old clothes located along with my weapons, and purchased a new set of undergarments for me. Unfortunately he had caught sight of one of the undergarments before I’d donned them. Considering it was almost identical to the last leather bustier I had, I didn’t see the big deal, but he did. The expression in his eyes told all.
As we approached the end gate of the city, he was still following my tail. Quite honestly I was beginning to think that Cain’s way of dealing with stress was acting like an idiot. I knew he was just as worried about the bomb as me, but it didn’t stop him from making appreciative comments about the undergarments he knew lay under my clothes.
War Machine: Book One in the Destiny In the Shadows Series Page 28