And now?
History was beginning to repeat itself. He’d left Deedee in anger, too. But she was very much alive, was haunting him with her tear-filled voice, begging him to let her explain, pleading with him to listen to her.
Ryan flung the blankets away, left the bed and began to pace the floor.
Was that what it was going to take to gain inner peace? Was he going to have to listen to Deedee’s story, pile more of her lies on the mountain of them that was crushing the very breath out of his body?
Hell, he didn’t want any part of that scenario. But he was desperate, couldn’t go on like this. He’d try anything to escape from Deedee’s clutches.
Okay, okay, he told himself. He had to do it. He’d go to see Deedee, tell her he’d listen to her spiel. Was that too risky? No, it would be fine, because he’d be prepared for the lies. He knew the truth of her devious plan to use him for nothing more than a means to her end goal of having a baby.
He’d listen and that would end it forever, give him closure and inner peace.
“Yeah,” he said, returning to the bed. “I’ll see her one more time. One last time.”
And no, by damn, he wouldn’t kiss her goodbye!
* * *
The next evening, Deedee tugged a T-shirt over her head, smoothed it onto the waistband of her jeans, then reached for the comb on the edge of the bathroom sink. After flicking her curls into place, she frowned at her reflection in the mirror.
Not good, she mused. Not good at all. She looked like she felt—exhausted. She hadn’t been sleeping well for the past two weeks, not since that final, horrible scene with Ryan. On top of that, each new day had brought a spell of morning sickness that rendered her drained.
Deedee sighed, left the bathroom and went into the kitchen in search of dinner.
She’d had an appointment that afternoon with Dr. Mercer, who had declared her to be healthy, albeit a tad underweight. He’d given her a prescription to subdue the morning sickness, told her to eat more and to get some sleep, for mercy’s sake.
She was approximately six weeks’ pregnant, she thought as she opened the refrigerator. Dr. Mercer had established that fact today. That meant she had conceived Ryan’s child very early on during the exquisitely beautiful lovemaking they’d shared.
She removed a carton of milk and a covered dish of homemade stew from the refrigerator, then bumped the door closed with her hip. After pouring a glass of milk, she leaned her backside against the counter and stared into space while waiting for the stew to heat in the microwave.
What a strange thought it was to now realize that during all the outings with Ryan, the evenings spent in each other’s company, the wondrous nights of making love, their child had already been nestled deep within her.
They had been together—mother, father and baby—without even knowing it. A family. Mama, Papa and a little pink rabbit.
The microwave dinged and Deedee jerked in surprise at the tinny noise. A few minutes later, she was seated at the table, determined to chew and swallow every morsel of the nutritious meal.
A family, her mind echoed. How glorious that would be. She loved Ryan MacAllister so much, could envision being his wife, greeting him at the door with a loving smile when he got off duty, their child held securely in her arms.
“Deedee, just shut up,” she ordered aloud, “and eat your dinner.”
She was not being kind to herself by indulging in such an impossible fantasy. She needed to stay anchored in reality, accept the situation as it truly was.
Marriage to Ryan was not in the offing. He was convinced she’d used him, betrayed him, lied to him from the very beginning of their relationship. She was a woman alone, who was going to be a single mother, and she’d be just fine, thank you very much.
“So there,” she said. “Now eat.”
After finishing the meal and cleaning the kitchen, she went into the living room and settled onto the sofa with a thick novel. A moment later, a sharp knock sounded at the door.
“Encyclopedia salesman,” she muttered, getting to her feet.
She crossed the room and peered through the hole of the safety-device in the door, her heart instantly quickening.
Ryan, her mind hammered. Ryan MacAllister was standing on the other side of that door!
She reached to undo the security chain, then hesitated.
Why? Why was Ryan there? What did he want?
If he thought for one minute that he could march in there and execute a repeat performance of his horribly unjust list of accusations against her, he was very mistaken. Not in this lifetime, mister.
Ryan knocked again. Deedee quickly undid the chain, unsnapped the lock and opened the door. She lifted her chin and looked directly at him, striving for an aloof, rather disinterested expression.
“Yes?” she said coolly.
Oh, dear heaven, she wanted to fling herself into his arms, touch him, kiss him, feel the strength of his magnificent body, inhale the aroma that was uniquely his. She loved this man so very, very much.
“Hello, Deedee,” Ryan said quietly, no readable expression on his face. Deedee looked so tired, had dark smudges beneath her beautiful eyes. He wanted to scoop her up, hold her tight, ask her how she was feeling, tell her everything was fine now because he was there to take care of her.
MacAllister, he ordered himself, get it together.
“May I come in?” he said.
“Why?” Deedee said, raising her chin another notch.
Ryan glanced quickly along the hallway, then looked at her again.
“I’d like to talk to you,” he said, “and I’d prefer to do it privately.”
“And briefly,” she said, stepping back to allow him to enter. “Very briefly.”
She closed and locked the door, moved around him and resumed her seat on the sofa. She crossed her legs, folded her arms over her breasts and nodded toward the chair opposite her.
“Sit,” she said. “Or stand. Whatever. I don’t care. What is it you want to talk to me about, Ryan?” I love you, Ryan MacAllister, you stubborn, unbending specimen of a man. “Hmm?”
Ryan sat down in the chair, leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, then clasped his hands tightly.
“I, um…” he started, then cleared his throat. “Look, I keep going over and over that last night we had together, what was said and, even more, what wasn’t said. I can’t seem to put it away, because there are pieces missing.”
“Oh?”
“You kept saying I should listen to you, let you explain things. That’s why I’m here now—to listen to your explanation.”
“So you can accuse me of lying again? No thank you, Ryan. You had your chance to hear the truth of what actually happened. I begged you to allow me to tell you the facts as they were, and you refused.
“Now you’ve decided you’ll listen to me to fill in the blanks of your mental puzzle so that you can put it all away?” Deedee narrowed her eyes. “MacAllister, you can go straight to hell.”
Ryan opened his mouth, ready with an angry retort, then shook his head and leaned back. He drummed the fingers of one hand on the arm of the chair for a moment as he reined in his temper.
“All right,” he said finally. “Then I’ll fill in the blanks with the data I have. You used me, lied to me, wanted nothing more from me than being the other half of what it would take to achieve your goal of having a child.”
“That’s not true! I was on the pill. I told you that. You even saw the package on the bathroom sink.”
“A sink that contains a handy drain those fancy little pills could be washed down.”
“Oh, you’re despicable, you really are. You listen to me, Ryan MacAllister, and hear every word. My body has a mind of its own that has always proven difficult to regulate. My system overrode the birth control pills, which was not all that surprising to my doctor.
“I did not intentionally get pregnant. I did not use you as stud service, as you’ve so eloquently put it
. I was torn in two about the baby. Once I knew I was pregnant, I realized I had truly yearned for a child, just as you’d said. The realization that I was pregnant, carrying your baby, was glorious.”
She drew a trembling breath, struggling against threatening tears.
“But the other half of me?” she went on. “I was devastated. I knew our relationship would be over because I’d broken the rules, through no fault of my own. I’d gone beyond the boundaries of being just friends and lovers. I was going to lose you, Ryan.”
A sob caught in her throat. “And I did. And I love you so much.”
She waved one hand sharply through the air.
“Go away,” she said, dashing an errant tear from one cheek. “Leave me alone. I’d like to salvage at least a modicum of my dignity. Go, Ryan. Now!”
Ryan’s heart thundered so violently he unconsciously splayed one hand on his chest for a moment as he stared at Deedee.
Dear Lord, he thought, she was telling the truth. He had listened, really heard, what she’d said, and she was telling the truth!
The woman he loved, loved him in kind. She hadn’t lied to him, hadn’t used and betrayed him. No! She’d simply loved him, honestly and openly, just as he’d loved her.
And they were going to have a baby, a miracle.
Ah, Deedee!
But, oh, dear God, what had he done? There were tears in her big brown eyes, such pain in her voice and etched on her delicate features. He’d hurt her so badly, caused her such anguish. How could he make it up to her? Would she ever forgive him? Was it too late for him to undo the damage? No!
“Deedee,” he said, his voice raspy with emotion, “I don’t know what to say to you.”
“Then don’t say anything. I asked you to leave, Ryan. Now I’m telling you in no uncertain terms. Go.”
“No, wait,” he said, getting to his feet. “Please, Deedee, listen to me. I believe you, I truly do. I know you didn’t lie to me, didn’t use me just to father a child.
“I believe that you love me, and I know I love you, I swear I do. I’m asking you—hell, I’m begging you to forgive me for doubting you. I want to marry you, raise our child together. I want—”
“You want?” she interrupted. “What else is on your list of ‘wants,’ Ryan? Do you want me to push a magic button and erase all your horrible accusations from my memory? Do you want me to burst into song because I’m so thrilled that you’ve come to believe me, believe in me, after all?”
“Deedee…” Ryan started toward her.
She got to her feet and raised one hand, palm out, to stop him.
“No, don’t come near me,” she said, then wrapped her hands around her elbows in a protective gesture. “Don’t come near me or my baby.” Tears began to slip unnoticed down her pale cheeks. “You say you believe me…tonight. I fantasized about hearing those words, but now I realize I have to think beyond them. What about tomorrow, then the day after that? Would you mull it some more and decide that, no, by golly, you were right the first time? Decide I used you, lied, betrayed you?”
“No! Ah, Deedee, I’m so sorry “for what I did, what I said. Won’t you please listen to me?”
“Hear the echo, Ryan? Those were my words two weeks ago. I begged you to listen to me, to the truth, and you refused.” A sob caught in her throat. “How can you possibly expect me to believe you now? I’d be waiting for you to change your mind about me again.”
“I wouldn’t, Deedee. I love you.”
“No, I can’t do this,” she said, shaking her head. “I can’t live that way…waiting, wondering. It’s too risky, too cold, too empty. I’d rather be alone. I’m tired, Ryan, exhausted. Leave, just leave.”
Ryan stared at her, aching to go to her, hold her, demand that she listen and believe in him. Their whole future was at stake, and it was being flung away like grains of sand blown into oblivion by a whipping wind.
Deedee had to forgive him. She had to see that they could have it all, together. She had to…
Easy, MacAllister, he thought suddenly. He needed to slow down, regroup. Deedee, his beautiful, fragile butterfly, was wounded, so hurt, by what he’d done. She needed time to learn to believe in him again. He couldn’t snap his fingers and set things to rights.
Yes, she needed time, but not time alone, to dwell on what he’d done. He had to think of a way to convince her to forgive him, a way to stay near her, front-row center, where she would be unable to begin to forget he existed.
“I’ll go,” he said quietly, “but this isn’t over, isn’t finished.”
“Yes, it is,” she whispered, tears still streaming down her face. “Yes, it is.”
He started toward the door, then turned abruptly and retraced his steps to stand directly in front of her. He gripped her shoulders, hauled her to him and gave her a fast, hard kiss. When he released her, he looked directly into her tear-filled eyes.
“That kiss was important, Deedee Hamilton. Yes, I’m leaving but, by damn, I kissed you goodbye. That means I’ll be back. I’m not giving up on us, on what we can have together. I love you, intend to spend the rest of my life with you and a whole bunch of pink and blue rabbits.”
“No,” she said, closing her eyes and shaking her head. “No, it’s too late for us. Too late. Goodbye, Ryan.”
“Good night, Deedee.”
He kissed her gently on the forehead, then left the apartment, closing the door behind him with a quiet click.
“Too late,” Deedee said, sobbing as she covered her face with her hands.
Chapter Fifteen
“Hell, MacAllister,” Ted said, “when it comes to screwing things up, you’re in the major leagues, buddy.”
“I don’t need you to tell me that,” Ryan said. “Believe me, I know it. Big time. What I’m asking for here is some help, some advice, Sharpe.”
“Yeah, okay,” Ted said. “Well, shut up and let me think.”
The pair had just finished a shift of day duty and were still wearing their police uniforms. Because Ted’s car was in the shop for routine servicing, Ryan had picked him up that morning. They’d agreed to go to Rosie’s for chili after work.
Now sitting in the café with steaming bowls of the delicious chili in front of them, they ate in silence. Ted was deep in thought. Ryan was a study in misery.
His appetite gone, Ryan pushed the half-empty bowl to one side, then stared into space. He slid an occasional glance at Ted, as though hoping to glimpse a light bulb suddenly appearing above his partner’s head.
“Pie?” Ted finally asked Ryan.
“No.”
“Rosie,” Ted hollered, “two slices of cherry pie, please.”
“I said I didn’t want any.”
“Well, I want two pieces,” Ted said. He leaned back in the booth and crossed his arms over his chest. “Man, oh, man, you really blew it with Deedee.”
“Would you cut it out?” Ryan said, glaring at him. “I admit I’m a jerk. Okay? I’m a jerk. Ted, I left Deedee’s apartment four nights ago with every intention of formulating a plan to win her back. So far, I’ve come up with zip, absolutely nothing.”
He smacked the table with the palm of one hand.
“Every day that goes by and I don’t do something positive toward getting Deedee to forgive me is dangerous. Each day is twenty-four more hours she’s had to work toward forgetting me, putting me in some dark, dusty corner of her mind.”
Ted nodded. “Yep. You’ve definitely got to get a plan, buddy.”
“For what?” a woman said, placing two plates containing huge slices of hot cherry pie on the table. She was short, plump, with gray hair twisted into a figure-eight at the back of her head, and a warm smile always at the ready. “What do my favorite boys need a plan for?”
“Ryan has major heart trouble, Rosie,” Ted said. “He’s in love, but he messed it up royally. The lady in question loves him, but she doesn’t like him. Do you know what I mean? We don’t have a clue as to how he can get her to forgive him and take hi
m back.”
“Ah, I see,” Rosie said. “Eat your pie. Well, it’s good to know you’re in love again, Ryan. It’s bad to know you have troubles with your lady. Does she have just cause to love but not like you?”
“Yeah,” Ryan said with a sigh, “she sure does. I accused her of something rotten, wouldn’t listen when she tried to tell me the true facts. Then later I listened and believed her, but now she’s lost her trust in me, won’t hear me when I speak.”
“I don’t blame her,” Rosie said.
“Thanks a lot,” Ryan said.
“You reap what you sow,” she said.
“Amen,” Ted said.
“So!” Rosie said. “You have to court her, be romantic, break down her defenses. If she really loves you, you have a chance. Maybe.”
“Court her?” Ryan said, raising his eyebrows. “People don’t do that sort of stuff anymore.”
“You do, as of right now. What does she like? You know, what does she have a weakness for?”
Ryan sighed again. “Pink rabbits and butterflies.”
“There’s your answer,” Rosie said, beaming. “Be innovative, exhibit some imagination. Eat your pie. This will require all the energy you can muster.”
“Amen,” Ted said.
“Shut up, Sharpe,” Ryan said. “You’re really getting on my nerves.”
“Oh, yeah?” Ted said. “You’d better be nice to me, chum. You’re going to need all the help you can get with this fiasco. Pink rabbits and butterflies? Geez, whatever happened to flowers and candy? Rosie, bring Ryan the bill. This dinner is on him.”
“Would you look at that?” Ted said. “Amazing. Those little baby tennis shoes are no bigger than my thumb. Hey, they’ve got racing stripes on the sides, the whole bit. Isn’t that something?”
Ryan peered at the tiny shoes. “Yeah, you’re right. I wonder how they make something that small with details like that?”
“Beats me.”
“Good evening, Officers,” a matronly woman said. “My clerk informed me that you were in our department. How may I be of service? Did someone in higher management telephone for police assistance? I certainly didn’t.”
Friends, Lovers...And Babies! (The Baby Bet #2) Page 17