Then she saw Nicholas step onto her carriage. And he saw her.
NICHOLAS
THEN
Sarah wondered how much of her she’d inherited from her father.
She was eighteen in a few weeks; free to drive, vote, and drink. She’d be whoever she wanted to be. She had applied for a few courses at Melbourne universities in English and literature, hoping she’d get in. The written word was her passion, and if she could write or edit, something like that, she’d be happy spending most of her life chained to a desk with that work to do.
But she didn’t know yet what would happen. She had a million hours of study to do for her upcoming final high school exams, along with finishing up the last projects and assignments for each of her classes.
Still a minor, Sarah was housebound on this rainy weekend. It was October, so she should have had some weather-related luck on her side, but the sun didn’t show. The roads were dark and glistening, and for a while, she kneeled on her bed, her hands planted on her window, and she looked outside. Her dad was somewhere out there, with some strange woman. Alyssa was long gone, and so was the next woman after her.
Sarah saw a young woman running. She had skins on, all professional gear: sneakers, wristband, and more. The rain pelted down over her, her hair too dark to distinguish if it’d be anything other than black, from where Sarah was looking in her room.
Sarah fell back on her bed, elbows bent near her head, and thought about how she’d grown from a girl to now, almost an adult. Who would she become? Driven and committed, like that woman? Running every day without excuse, or like her dad?
Her dad had split up with Alyssa just half a year after moving out with her. He messaged Sarah, saying, “I’ll be moving. Will still be right around the corner, kiddo!” and Sarah had thrown her mobile on the carpet across her bedroom. Her two replies consisted of saying she wasn’t a kid anymore, and why did he say he’d be around the corner? It wasn’t like she saw much of him anyway.
She hated how she understood her dad’s inability to stick with one person. Sarah didn’t cheat, but it wasn’t like she’d experienced true love yet. The difference, Sarah had repeated to herself, was that she never promised to commit to something she didn’t have her heart in long-term.
Now, two years later, Sarah had reconnected with Nicholas, who still seemed just as nice—not to mention, more gorgeous than when he was a gangly boy, years ago—and she could see herself spending lots of time with him.
Blinking rapidly, her ceiling came back into focus. Sarah didn’t move for a while; she didn’t cross her legs, or twist them under her bum. She didn’t even moisten her lips with a lick. She just waited and saw past the ceiling, dreaming of the bigger, wider world, and wanting everything to work out. She wanted to drive now, have her own house and money now, and dreamed of a fantastic boyfriend and normal, whole family now.
So, she called Nicholas.
“Hello,” he answered.
She’d looked to her door, didn’t even take a breath so she could hear if her mum was nearby. “Wanna come over?”
“Will your mum let you?”
“Should be okay. I’ll let her know now, but she won’t mind. I …” Sarah bit her lip, feeling silly for a moment, then realising she was safe expressing her feelings to him. “I really miss you. It’s rainy and, and I’d like to cuddle.”
“You too, Sez. Been missing you so bad. I was going crazy trying to stop myself messaging you all day long.”
“But I saw you after school yesterday!”
“Exactly. Thought it was over the top.”
“You’re cute. Come over.”
“Done.”
Sarah was in her bra, undies, and had a fresh top tangled in her arms and around her head, when she heard her door knock. “Wait!” she called out. After struggling further in her panic, she finally pulled her top down over her leggings.
“Yup,” she said as she swung open her bedroom door.
Nicholas’s face grew happy, a big smile on his lips as he took her in, obviously noticing her in a rush. She liked his smile because she couldn’t help but smile back, even though, seconds ago, she was dangerously close to being caught in a compromising position. She wrapped her arms around his waist.
He walked in, looking to Sarah as if he were scoping out her bedroom. It was the first time he’d been in here though they’d been boyfriend-and-girlfriend for weeks now. She watched him check out her little chair, tucked under her desk, whistle impressively at the large flat-screen TV mounted on her wall opposite her bed, and then give her a look, between the bed and himself. She nodded and he climbed across the bed over to the window, looking down to the front yard and across from one end of her street to the other.
“Love your room,” he said.
Sarah rolled her eyes. With a bored, unbelieving look, she waved at him on her bed and replied, “Smooth, Nicholas.”
“Shh, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”
Sarah took tentative steps up to her bed. When she was flush against the side, he grabbed her, and pulled her up with him. He brushed her hair away from her neck and shoulders and kissed her exposed skin, but didn’t move her bra or tank top strap. Her back was touching his stomach and chest, and the proximity made her shiver. They’d only ever kissed, made out, and had a cheeky session feeling under each other’s clothes, but never further—and knowing her mum was somewhere downstairs, and Nicholas was pressed behind her, she felt rebellious and naughty.
“You okay?” he asked. “You sounded concerned on the phone, and all I’ve wanted to do since hearing you was hold you. You feel so soft.” He kissed the skin at her collarbone, making her shiver. “I can hug you all day long, if you want.”
Sarah was discovering Nicholas was by far the best friend and boyfriend she’d ever had. In so many ways. Right now, when she just wanted someone to hold her, he was perfect in the one way that counted. He was ready to help her the moment she needed, and had been nothing but honest in the time they’d been friends, and now a couple.
She relaxed back against him. Nicholas was already absorbing her weight the moment she fell.
• • •
NOW
“Sa … Sarah?”
She slid over on her seat to make room. “Hey, Nicholas!”
He had changed, in the years since she’d been with him. He had stubble, mostly shaped into a buzz-cut beard. He was her age but seemed more mature, or perhaps just manlier, than she’d expected.
“Do you work in the city now?” he asked.
When they broke up, she was on a part-time wage and studying. It felt too long ago to be the same life she lived now, but it was her; just a young, growing her, trying to find her place.
“Yeah, just up a few blocks. Actually, just started my first job out of uni as a junior editor yesterday.”
That also felt like another world away; before Malik.
Their conversation went on like that without a hiccup. Nicholas studied business management and was overseeing a project site in the city for the next few months. Sarah asked about his cat. Billy was still kicking it, albeit with cataracts and a little loss of hearing, but he was living with Nicholas’s parents, whom could spend more time with him. Sarah still had no pet, she was sad to report, and sadder still that she’d turned twenty-two in her mum’s house. Nicholas was renting an apartment, which she didn’t hide her envy at.
It was only when the announcement lady called her stop that she jumped up and checked to see she hadn’t left anything behind. She waved bye to Nicholas, and, swept up in the whirlwind of seeing him again, totally forgot her mum would be waiting there for her at the station. She was set to pick up her car from the mechanic tonight.
Sarah wanted to ask why her mum didn’t wait in the car. It made her feel like a kid, her mother picking her up from her stop. As soon as she thought that, she knew she was being silly. Her mum just wanted to see if she was okay, and, thanks to Nicholas, she must have seemed not too bad.
“Had a mixed day,” Sarah said.
“Tell me more.”
Between the parking lot and the car, Sarah told her about her day, dragging on forever in her hope that tomorrow would be as enjoyable as her first one was. She also told her mum she met up with Malik to chat, and just before, saw Nicholas.
The moment the car doors shut, Sarah was trapped. As feeble as it sounded, walking outside with the wind lifting the ends of her hair and the space around her had felt freeing. In comparison, sitting in the passenger seat of her mum’s car made her felt small and dependent.
As her mum buckled in her belt, Sarah asked, “Why didn’t he tell me everything, about Alyssa and moving back in? Malik had to tell me.”
With her hands on her car keys, Sarah’s mum stopped, dropped them into the cup holder next to her, and faced Sarah. It wasn’t that Sarah was trying to make her mum feel bad, but she felt too angry, sad and hopeless to say it any other way.
Sarah had never known her mum to lie to her. The furthest she went was for birthdays or presents—she’d send Sarah on the wrong train of thought, or mislead her, all for Sarah’s benefit. If she were sad, she’d simply tell Sarah so, or hint at it using not so many words. Before she answered, Sarah knew she wouldn’t have to brace for betrayal from her mum.
Unfortunately, instead, her mum’s heart broke, and in a moment they might have to reach over and hold each other over the middle console. Sarah would have to tell her mum the news.
“When? Sarah, when did you hear that?”
Sarah knew her mum heard her when she’d said Malik had told her that, which only made her heart ache more. Sure, she’d thought her mum was mean at times, but she’d been a teenager then. Now, older, she saw her mum had always been beautiful, inside and out. She didn’t deserve to still be affected by her ex-husband like this.
“I told Malik who I was, and about dad and Alyssa. He told me they were moving in. Or already had.” Sarah looked up from her fingers to her mum, who was tracing the steering wheel with her keys. “Mum?”
“I don’t know. Those two … I don’t want anything to do with them. They go up and down more times than a yo-yo.”
“Me too.”
Her mum pursed her lips, and gazed at Sarah’s lap. She extended her hand and Sarah lifted hers from her lap into her mum’s palm. They squeezed them together.
“You know you can’t disappear. You only get one father. Shitty as he may be, he has always loved you so much, but in his own way. If he’s not working, he’s admiring his next lady. He’s here, there, and ultimately nowhere at all, but when it comes down to it, he loves you. Don’t forget that.”
Sarah shrugged. That made a lot of sense, but she wasn’t in the mood to give her father credit at the moment. She sat, wordlessly, in the car while other people went about their own thing. Hands digging through handbags or pockets for keys, people texting while their car warmed up, smiling at their phones. Others tightened their coats around them. She looked at them all, not concentrating on being inside the car, but letting her mind wonder.
She wanted to give Malik time to digest it, but she didn’t want to wait. On the other hand, she wanted to say and do so much to and with him that she didn’t know where to start, and the idea of being in the same place as him made her want to curl up and disappear.
So what did she want?
Sarah flicked through her music playlists and chose “Summer Songs”. The first one on shuffle was “The Boys of Summer” and, by the time they went past to pick up her car and Sarah followed her mum home, she felt like she could breathe deeper. She hurled her handbag over her shoulder, and left her car in the garage, at the same time as her mum hopped out of her car.
The little things; they helped. Like seeing Nicholas. Or a song, that could bring her back into a moment, or a headspace.
Sarah got back to her bedroom. As per usual, she dropped her bag near her desk and turned on the radio. Seeing both Nicholas and Malik dredged up so many memories for her.
There wasn’t a moment when she considered letting Malik go for good, but remembering how great Nicholas was but how perfectly she and Malik had clicked, she knew a stupid little reunion between the woman who’d ruined his life and her father who’d ruined her life was nothing to worry about. They’d get past it.
Malik made her feel like anything was possible.
LONGING
NOW
Sarah gave herself one whole day. She did not speak to Malik by text, call, or in person. It was excruciating, mostly because she’d only known him for three days. All the memories she could have drawn on to keep her company if she’d known him longer couldn’t keep her company now. They’d kissed and hugged, but it wasn’t enough. Sarah wanted to lose herself in him so far that she wouldn’t be able to remember anything else.
By the fourth day, she was grateful for work. For a few years, she’d been studying and working part-time. Now she was responsible for herself. No leeching from her mum if needed. She hadn’t received her first pay cycle, but she’d calculated, and it was enough to make her eyes pop. She edited faster, skimmed and deleted emails that didn’t seem important. Though not the top of her worries, she was glad for the distraction.
But that night she decided she couldn’t take waiting any longer. She’d had one-sided contact with Malik, and was fed up of it. She wasn’t going to torture herself that badly by trying to bury his memory. Internet searching found he had a Facebook page, and a Twitter account. It was so pointless, all her stalking and gawking, that she had to wonder if she was falling for this almost stranger. He posted something about a footy club, then again about a deal on a bunch of hardware, yet still, Sarah kept scrolling through his accounts, waiting for something. What did she expect to find? “I met the girl of my dreams yesterday, and I’m excited to tell the whole world?”
No she didn’t expect that, but coming across something like it would have been nice.
Sarah was on the couch with a television show on in the background. She didn’t know what her mum was watching because she didn’t look up once. She had been having some back and forth with Malik, finally messaging each other.
Sarah: Here’s what you’ve done to me.
She texted a shot of her finger.
Malik: I helped you grow an extra finger?
Sarah: No, dummy. I stubbed it because I was dreaming of you making out with me on the bonnet of your car again.
Malik: It’s not even red. Or lumpy. You just couldn’t think of a better excuse to chat to me.
Sarah: Guilty ;)
Malik: Fuck
Sarah: What?
Malik: I’m having a hard time right now.
Sarah: Sounds like it’s my fault?
Malik: It is. I’m hard thinking about you laid out over my bonnet. Thinking what it’d be like to touch you again.
Sarah’s hands shook too much to text back, so she jumped up and went to her room where she dialled him. He answered within one ring.
“Hey.”
“I couldn’t type. I’m ruined for the night now, Malik.”
“How can I help?”
Sarah gulped. She had to say it now. She closed her eyes, and it gave her more confidence. “I need to see you.”
“I don’t …” his end was all breathy for a moment. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Aw, yeah, nah, that’s totally fine. Sorry, I shouldn’t have just suggested that. You’ve only just met me, and yeah.”
“No, you don’t get what I’m saying. I am so wound up right now, I don’t want to scare you or hurt you. I’m unbelievably wound tight, like a fucking corkscrew.”
“Just promise you won’t punch me and I’ll help. I want to be there for you.”
Sarah’s chest constricted at the knowledge she was the reason for him feeling this way. She tried to imagine marrying the man of her dreams and having a baby together, only to find out all the time you’d been faithful, hopeful, and trustworthy, he’d been lying and sleeping with
another woman instead. Her lips were dry, and she had to lean over to her bedside table to have a gulp of water to moisten them and her throat. How did she dry up that quickly? It was like sandpaper.
“Okay, um, you’re not getting it. Are you okay if I’m blunt?”
“Sure.”
“Sarah Langham, you won’t leave my house tonight until I fuck you senseless and come inside you. I don’t know if you’re only human, but you’ve lit up my life and my mind like something out of this world, and it’s torture not being with you.”
“What about Lucy?”
“She doesn’t sleep here weeknights.”
Right. Sarah knew a lot about not seeing your father when your parents had split up. She’d only gotten every other weekend with her dad. Now, it was the perfect situation for her, but her heart ached for Malik.
Except for tonight. Sarah was going to rock his world, and help him have a good night.
“Should I leave now?”
“Please. You don’t have to change your clothes. It’s hot knowing you’re wearing whatever you feel comfortable in, what you’re wearing talking to me right now.”
Sarah picked up her handbag, told her mum she’d be back late, and told her not to wait up as she ran to her car.
• • •
NOW
She knocked at his door at a little past eight. As she stood waiting, she finally took stock of what she looked like. This morning, she’d applied eyeliner and smoky eye shadow to offset her light eyes, on top of her usual mascara and blush. She didn’t think it had smudged yet, and she hoped that was true. She looked over her clothes. She was in leggings, ballet flats, and a slouch sweater that hung off one shoulder.
Malik opened the door with a spatula in one hand. He pressed his weight against the open door. He grinned, looking her over, and Sarah knew no matter what she thought she seemed like, Malik loved all of it, and that’s all that mattered in the end.
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