by Ashlee Price
Gemma made a noise that was not very lady-like before she went back to her own meal. It was just like her brother to not think of anyone else but himself. Gemma had gotten to know Lisa many years ago and she loved her brother unconditionally, but she also knew that Lisa wanted more and she felt bad for her.
“Men will just never get it I guess. She loves you and if you don’t love her you should let her go.”
Scott put his fork down and pushed away from the table. The conversation was worse than he had anticipated, but he wasn’t going to be made to feel guilty about it. “I think I am going to go. Thanks for dinner.”
“Son, don’t go.”
He ignored them all and made his way back to his own room. While he was showing anger on the outside, he wondered if his sister is right. Should he just let her go and let her have what she truly needed and wanted, a husband and a family? It was not something that he was not able to give her or rather, unwilling to give her.
***
“So how did everything go last night?”
Scott sighed into the phone. “It was worse than I thought it would be. It was probably best that you didn’t go.”
“Really? What happened?”
He didn’t want to talk about it, but his mind had been thinking about what his sister had said all night. Was he really holding Lisa back, wasting her years. It was not a subject that he wanted to bring up, but that he thought he had to. There was something in the way he felt inside. He loved Lisa, maybe not enough to marry her, but he didn’t want to hurt her and Gemma had him feeling like he had.
“Just some things were said.”
“Like what?”
She was fishing and they both knew that he was going to tell her. “Just that I am wasting your good years and that I should let you go so you can find someone that will give you what you need.”
Lisa was quiet for a time and he said her name, afraid that she had hung up. “Lisa, are you there?”
“Yeah I am here. I bet that was Gemma saying that.”
He agreed that it was, but wondered how she knew. “Yeah it was.”
There was another pause and it was only then that Scott knew that his sister was right. He had been holding Lisa back and now that she was pushing thirty, he wondered if her clock was in fact ticking loudly in her ear. “No comment to it? I was hoping that you would tell me that she is going crazy and that you aren’t looking for the whole marriage and family. When we first got together, you said that you weren’t looking for any of that.”
He heard a sigh that pulled at his heart strings. “I mean, Scott, that was five years ago. I didn’t want you to think that I was one of those girls that just was just dying to get married.”
“And now?”
“Now I am thirty in a month and I want those things. I want you more, but I have always thought of having a family and a few kids.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that in the beginning?”
“Because people change, Scott. I changed.” The only problem was that Lisa knew that he hadn’t changed. Scott saw marriage as a means to an end or more like a death sentence.
“So now you want to get married?”
“I do, but I know that you don’t want to.”
“So you are missing out because of me?”
“I wouldn’t say it like that, but your sister has a way of stating the obvious. I am getting older and my window to have kids is becoming smaller. I think all women think about that.”
Scott didn’t know what to say, but he was starting to feel the guilt that the women in his family were heaping on him. Maybe they were right, but what did that mean for them?
“Well, I don’t want to be the one that holds you back, Lisa. I thought it was good between us, but I guess I was wrong.”
“It’s not like that, Scott.”
“Can you tell me that you will not regret being with me in ten years if we don’t have any children and I still don’t want to get married?”
She was silent for a moment. Lisa didn’t like the way the conversation was going and the idea of losing Scott felt worse than all of the what-ifs if they stayed together. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Scott. Why don’t you come over and we can have some fun?”
He knew that she was trying to change the subject and though he was all for not talking about the current topic, there was something in him that told him that he needed to bite the bullet and have the conversation anyways.
“No, we need to talk. Do you want me to come over there?”
She didn’t want to have the talk. The outcome was not looking good and he seemed too determined for it to be. Scott was a very hard-headed man and he would cut her off and end it before he would give in. She knew that and the last thing she wanted to do was lose him. His ways were the very reason that Lisa didn’t bring it up. She knew that if it was between her and his freedom, Scott was always going to choose himself.
“Maybe tonight. I have to go to work in a little while.” She didn’t want to be upset at work, though she left that part of it out. There was something about the way he was talking that Lisa just knew that something bad was going to come from it. Lisa loved him more than life itself and even the thought of losing him put a stricken in her throat and made it hard to swallow, she knew that she couldn’t stop the inevitable if it was meant to happen.
“Okay, Lisa. I will see you late after you get off. Since Henri is back home now, I don’t have to stay out as long, so I will meet you at your place around 6, okay?”
She agreed and waited for a moment. She was going to say something else, but thought against it. “I love you, Scott.”
“I love you too, Lisa. Have a good day at work.”
She hung up the phone and stared at it for a time. How could everything in her life change so quickly? It was like everything was fine one minute and then the next, everything was going to hell. She sighed to herself and pushed the water from her eyes. It was not going to end well. Their conversation had told her where it was going to go. It was the last thing that she wanted to think about was losing Scott, but Lisa felt like she already had.
Pushing it all from her mind, Lisa got up from the couch and went to get dressed. She pulled her blonde hair back from her face and threw it up in a tight bun on her head. She was a nurse by trade and even though her life felt like it was going downhill, she still had to go to work and pretend that everything was okay. Even when it wasn’t and she spent the next several hours in dread of seeing Scott later that evening while she tried to keep the patients straight. He had always been her rock. Never had Lisa imagined her life without him. Once they met, she had thought she had found her soul mate.
It all had to work out, she assured herself. It just had to.
Chapter 3
Scott was in his head most of the day as well. He tried to imagine his life without Lisa. It was the first time that he had done it and he didn’t like the idea of her not being there. He didn’t like the idea of getting married because everyone was pushing them into it, but it was the first time that he seemed to understand that he very well could lose her.
He wanted to blame Gemma and his mother for putting it in his head, but the idea that Lisa was unhappy was too much for him to think about. Scott did love her and he had thought of the two of them growing old together. Why did it have to include marriage and children? He just didn’t understand the need since he had never had it himself.
“You are being quiet today.”
Scott nodded towards Henri, though he didn’t say anything else. His mind was going a mile a minute and he just didn’t want to talk about it. Henri asked him a few questions. “Are you sure that you don’t want to talk about it?”
Scott looked up from his duties. The two of them were cleaning out the horse stalls and though he knew his brother was just trying to help, he had to admit that he was angry that he had found his love and they were already talking about getting married. It just put more pressure on him as the last one standing
.
“Not really Henri. I thought you were the one that liked the quiet?”
“I do, but I feel bad for you. I saw the way your face looked last night while they were talking about Lisa.”
“Well I talked to her about it and like always Gemma was right. Lisa’s clock is ticking hard and she wants to get married. She never said anything about it before.”
Henri just shrugged. “All women want to get married and have kids. They change as they get older.”
“Yeah, so I am told.”
The two men worked in silence for a while until Henri broke the silence. “You know that they just want what is best for you.”
Scott nodded. He had heard that before but ruining the long relationship he had was not his idea of helping. He wanted Lisa, it was that simple, but he hated the thought of her being unhappy with him. He loved her enough that he would let her go if he had to. He didn’t want to, but the more he thought about it, the more Scott knew that he had to. It was only a matter of time before she came to him to break up or that she had found someone else. Scott just figured he would save her some time and both of them some pain.
“I know and I love Lisa, but I am never going to be able to give her what she wants. I am not that kind of guy.”
Henri just kind of shook his head. He had never seen himself as a married man, but once he found his love, there was no getting out of it. He wanted to make her his and had no problem being halfway dragged to the altar. He knew that it was for the best, but Scott was different. He had always been the rebel and the one that said and did whatever he wanted to do. Nothing was going to change that about him.
“You have to do what is right for you, but you and Lisa have been together a long time.”
“Yes we have.” It was the main reason that he didn’t know what he was going to do without her. She had been his rock for years, always there for him when he needed something and to not have her, even the idea of it made him feel alone.
“It will all work out. It always does.”
Scott wanted to believe him, but he just wasn’t that sure if it was true. “I sure hope you are right brother.”
***
Lisa did not fare any better. She got a few calls from Gemma while she was at work and she called her on the way home from work. “Hey, Gemma. Sorry I missed your calls. It has been crazy here today. What’s up?”
“I think I messed up, Lisa.”
“Why, what happened?”
“Well me and mom were talking to Scott…”
“I know. He called me this morning acting strange.”
“You don’t think we pressure you guys too much do you?” Gemma was afraid that her well-meaning had caused problems and she was right. There was no two ways around it and she could tell from the pause on the other side of the phone that Lisa felt the same way.
“I think that Scott doesn’t like to be pushed. The more you push him, the harder he will fight it. You know how he is.”
“Yes and so do you. That is why you are perfect for him. You know how he is and you still love him for it. I just want you guys to get married. I know that is what you want.”
“It is, but I would rather have him as a boyfriend then nothing at all. The way he was talking, I don’t think we are going to be together much longer.”
It was the last thing that Gemma wanted to hear. She was pregnant and emotional, almost in tears when she heard it. She tried to apologize, but Lisa just waved it off. “Whatever is going to happen, will happen. I have faith that it will all work out, but sometimes I just don’t know. I do want to get married and have a family, but without Scott, none of that seems worth it.”
Gemma and Lisa talked till she got back to her house. Scott was waiting for her on her porch and there was a look of determination in his face that scared him. He was handsome no matter what, but the look of unknown in his eyes made her even more nervous.
“Well he is here, so I am going to go.”
“Call me later and tell me what happens.”
Lisa told her she would and then hung up before she got out of the car. If something did happen, she didn’t know how it would turn out. The Callahans had been like family to her for years and it would not just be Scott she lost, but all of them. The idea made her a little misty-eyed and she tried to push the thoughts away. She was already planning the end and she didn’t even know what was going to happen next.
Chapter 4
“Hey baby. How was your day?”
Lisa just shrugged and unlocked the door. “It was alright, Scott. How was your day?”
“Long.”
“Did you have a lot to do at the ranch?”
“Not really. Henri being there really helps the workload. Just been a long day, thinking about us.”
It was the words that she had been dreading. “Do you want to come in?”
He shook his head that he didn’t. Scott had to get it out and if he didn’t, he never would. There were some things that couldn’t be pushed to the side, no matter how unpleasant it all was. “Why don’t we sit out here for a while? It will be getting colder soon and there won’t be many more days like this.”
“I never minded the cold. We get to stay inside in bed more.”
Her mind went to the last time that they had been stuck indoors for a couple of days and all of the fun that they had. Scott was thinking along the same lines, so he was looking at it sadly now, instead of seeing it as a good memory. It wasn’t a good memory when he felt like it was going to not happen again. Their times of staying in bed for days were over and he knew that.
“Yes I do. Those were good times.”
He was already talking about them in the past tense and it was hard for her not to notice the wording. All of her fears were being realized and she knew then that she was going to lose him. “We can have those good times again. We may even get some snow this year. All of the ruckus with the almanac and all.”
Scott didn’t say much, his mind and eyes were far away. He hadn’t even given her a kiss, usually the first thing he did when he seen her.
“So what’s on your mind, Scott? You are being too quiet and I don’t like it.”
He kind of chuckled. “Yea that is what Henri was saying.”
“He knows you well.”
“So do you.”
“I do and I know that you have something that you don’t want to tell me. You always get like this when there is bad news, so let’s just pull the Band-Aid off because neither one of us is good at leaving things open between us.”
He looked at her then and smiled. It broke her heart and took her breath away all in the same instant. Scott was about to break her heart more. She just knew it.
“Well I have been thinking about everything.”
She closed her eyes and leaned back against the pillar holding the porch up. Lisa knew what was coming and she wanted to stop it, but she knew that she couldn’t. It was going to happen because Scott had made up his mind. Never one to be wishy-washy, she knew what was next.
“I don’t want to be what holds you back, Lisa.”
Looking over at him, she could tell that he was bothered by what all had been said. The handsome face that she loved was hurting and it hurt her that he was upset by it all. “You know that you aren’t holding me back, Scott. I will admit that our relationship isn’t always what I would like it to be, but I wouldn’t change who I chose to spend my life with for anything. I would rather have you than all of those things without you.”
“Yeah, but for how long? How long until you want a family more than me? I don’t want you to change your mind and then have it be too late. I don’t want you to hate me for not wanting the same things.”
“I could never hate you, Scott.”
“You will, though, Lisa, and I can’t even think about that happening.”
She didn’t say anything back to him. Scott was the type of man that hated to be interrupted and she wasn’t going to interrupt him, even though she knew that she did
n’t want to hear about what he was going to say. She knew what was coming and like a train wreck in slow-mo, she was forced to watch and not be able to do anything about it.
“So I think that we should end this, Lisa. I want to let you go, so that you can find what you are looking for, the man that you are looking for.”
Her eyes were already closed and she could feel the first tear going down her face. It was what was always going to happen and maybe that was why Lisa had never wanted to push the subject. Sometimes a person just had to be happy with the way things were. Now because of things said by others, she was losing the only man she had ever loved. There was no fighting it, there never was with Scott. Once his mind was made up, that was it.
“Well, say something, Lisa.”
“What is the point, Scott? You have made up your mind. Is there really anything I could say to change it?”
He shook his head that there wasn’t. “So then, what do you want me to say? You have made your decision and I guess I just have to live with it.”
Scott saw the women he loved crying and it tore him up inside. He had made the decision to save her from pain, but it seemed that no matter how hard he tried, he hurt her anyways.
“Is that all you have to say?” Her voice broke and she wiped her eyes before he saw more tears.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Well, can you leave please?”
He wasn’t expecting her reaction. Scott didn’t know what he was expecting, but not the listlessness in her voice and face.
“I am going to go in now. I had a long day too.” She didn’t know what else to say or do. Was she supposed to hug him, kiss him goodbye? All she wanted to do was go in and cry alone.
Scott watched her go in the house and the screen door slammed in her wake. Sighing to himself, he sat on the porch a few more minutes. He would have been happier if she would have yelled at him, something. Nothing was far worse and he left her house with an uneasy feeling in his stomach. It couldn’t be over just like that, could it?