by Mogk, Matt
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What you don’t know can eat you
EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ZOMBIES
All zombie research is theoretical. We can never know exactly what the coming pandemic will look like until the teeming undead horde is finally at our doorsteps. Once the dead rise, the days of study and conjecture are over. Gone will be reasoned debate and hard scientific study. Gone will be global lines of communication and easy access to information. Gone will be the support structures that allow us to easily engage in serious scientific, social, and historic investigation.
When the dead rise, it’s run-and-scream time.
* * *
“Matt Mogk is a walking catalog of important modern developments in zombie research, and his book is an essential resource in the coming zombie apocalypse.”
—Michael Harris, PhD, professor of neuroscience, University of Alaska, Fairbanks
“Pulling together key knowledge strands untapped by previous works of zombie scholarship, Matt Mogk is staking out essential new territory at the nexus of history, science, popular culture, and reality.”
—Brendan Riley, PhD, assistant professor of cultural studies, Columbia College Chicago
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Copyright © 2011 by Matt Mogk
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First Gallery Books trade paperback edition September 2011
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Designed by Akasha Archer
Manufactured in the United States of America
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Mogk, Matt.
Everything you ever wanted to know about zombies / Matt Mogk.
p. cm.
1. Zombies. I. Title.
GR581.M65 2011
398.21—dc23
2011025020
ISBN 978-1-4516-4157-8
ISBN 978-1-4516-4158-5 (ebook)
To Bigman and PosMa
Acknowledgments
Foreword
SECTION I: ZOMBIE BASICS
Chapter 1: Definition of a Zombie
Chapter 2: Voodoo Zombies
Chapter 3: Zombie Evolution
Chapter 4: Living Zombies
Chapter 5: Vampires
Chapter 6: Beer-Goggle Zombies
SECTION II: ZOMBIE SCIENCE
Chapter 7: The Zombie Brain
Chapter 8: Zombie Blood
Chapter 9: Zombie Hunting Technique
Chapter 10: Defensive Reflex in Zombies
Chapter 11: Zombie Eating Habits
Chapter 12: How Long Have We Got?
Chapter 13: Infection Sources
Chapter 14: The End Is Nigh!
Chapter 15: Zombielike Creatures
SECTION III: ZOMBIE SURVIVAl
Chapter 16: Water to Drink
Chapter 17: Protective Shelter
Chapter 18: Food to Eat
Chapter 19: The Human Threat
Chapter 20: Systemic Collapse
Chapter 21: Your Own Worst Enemy
Chapter 22: Prepare or Perish
Chapter 23: Building Your Team
Chapter 24: Weapons of War
Chapter 25: Travel and Communication
Chapter 26: What Are Our Chances?
Chapter 27: The Global View
Chapter 28: Past Outbreaks
SECTION IV: POPULAR CULTURE
Chapter 29: Why Are Zombies So Popular?
Chapter 30: At the Movies
Chapter 31: Zombies on the Small Screen
Chapter 32: Zombie Video Games
Chapter 33: Zombie Literature
Chapter 34: The Dead Walk
Chapter 35: Fun with Zombies
Chapter 36: Zombie Organizations
Chapter 37: The Wrong and Ridiculous
Chapter 38: Final Thoughts
Notes
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First and foremost, thanks to all the members of Zombie Research Society from around the world for sharing my passion for zombie science, survival, and pop culture. Without you, this project would never have gotten off the ground. In particular, special acknowledgement goes to Lisa Bolton and Mikey Taylor for helping keep ZRS headed in the right direction. And to John Farrell, Lisa Bane, Zoe Mora, Marcus Mooers, and the other dedicated local chapter leaders, both in the United States and abroad.
To the ZRS Advisory Board past and present, including Daniel Drezner, Scott Kenemore, Bradley Voytek, Timothy Verstynen, Brendan Riley, Mike Harris, and Peter Cummings, thank you for your commitment to the mission of cultivating zombie scholarship and respect in the arts and sciences. Additional recognition goes to Steven Schlozman for your enthusiasm and encouragement, and to George Romero for creating the monster that has become my obsession.
A special thank-you goes to Max Brooks for your important contributions to this book, your broad support, and your friendship.
I greatly appreciate the dozens of scholars, authors and artists who agreed to participate in this project, such as Robert Kirkman, William Stout, Paul Wernick, Rhett Reese, Matt Schantzen, Scott Bowen, Leif Becker, Josh Taylor, Lucas Culshaw, and Samuel Stebbins. Thanks to Frank Weimann for getting the process going, to Chris Easley for your thoughtful draft review, and to Jennifer Heddle for guiding it to a successful end.
And finally a debt of gratitude is owed to my friends and family for letting me endlessly go on about zombies, especially The Troll, who gets the brunt of it on a daily basis. Thanks to T for sounding the alarm and Majaraj for putting out fires at the finish line. To Grimm, Danger, and Annie, thanks for keeping me on my toes even though sometimes my toes get tired. Thanks to Don and Dianne for the American food. Thanks to my parents for pretty much everything.
But most of all thanks to Seamus for hanging in until I got things figured out.
FOREWORD
by Max Brooks
If you don’t know anything about zombies but you’d like to learn, this is the book for you. That’s how Matt explained his new project to me. Everyone knows that zombies are popular, but what exactly are zombies? Are they the voodoo slaves that obey arcane wizards in Haiti? Are they the flesh-eating hordes that star in so many apocalyptic movies? Are they the singing, campy, well-choreographed cadavers of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”? The answer to each of those questions is yes.
The zombie subgenre has recently achieved pandemic status, with a horde of books, movies, TV shows, comics, video games, and yes, even apps invading every corner of our daily lives. For many years, there has been a strict line dividing dedicated fans who study every frame of Dawn of the Dead like it’s the Zapruder film, and the rest of the world, who scratch their heads in wonder. That line between fans and “c
ivilians” seemed uncrossable—until now.
Matt Mogk once walked away from success, and that’s why I offered to write this foreword. Yes, he’s way into zombies, and he’s carved out an impressive niche as one of the foremost experts of the age. But for me, the path that led him to this new career is easily as interesting as the career itself. A long time ago, probably when he still had hair, Matt worked for a Hollywood literary management company. To say that it was a frustrating, depressing, utterly confounding profession would be an understatement. So many writers, so little talent. Even more mind-boggling than the limitless excrement he forced on the marketplace was the insatiable appetite the marketplace had for it. Like the lone Wall Street trader who wrestles with the logic of credit default swaps or the Washington intern who loses sleep over campaign finance loopholes, Matt found himself being pulled through a machine that was slowly, steadily grinding his spirit into dust.
One day he was charged with hawking a particularly noxious turd to a studio executive who was looking for something completely different. “I want a family script,” this “creative executive” demanded, “like 101 Dalmatians but without the dogs”! The script in Matt’s charge, an adult thriller set in South America, could not have been less suited to the parameters placed before him. Frustrated, demoralized, and teetering at the edge of his moral abyss, Matt responded with a confident “That’s EXACTLY what this script is about! I’ll send it right over first thing tomorrow, and trust me, you’ll LOVE it!” And he did. And they did! Score one—one BIG one—for the new super-manager Matt Mogk, the man who could sell anything… except his soul. If this is what it means to succeed, Matt told himself, then I don’t want any part of it.
So he walked away from a newly white-hot career as a Hollywood dung salesman and several years later was standing on the set of the Spike TV series Deadliest Warrior. This new Matt Mogk was now the founder and president of the Zombie Research Society, an organization devoted to the study and promotion of all things living dead. That’s where we became friends: planning our strategy for the show’s “Zombie vs. Vampire” episode. We’d met a few months earlier at the nation’s first dedicated zombie convention (yes, there is one now), and at the time, I wasn’t sure what to make of him. Given the growing popularity of zombies, and the growing ranks of those seeking to make a quick buck off them, I was deeply suspicious. However, I was wrong (as is usually the case in my life).
Matt not only turned out to be a stand-up guy, but he is legitimately, deeply, inspiringly passionate about the subculture of the living dead. As we sat in the green room of Deadliest Warrior, building our case for a zombie victory over vampirism, I could only marvel at the inner workings of the mind of Mogk. I’ve often said that I think about zombies way too much, and compared to most people, I do. I’ve considered their physiology, their behavioral patterns, the threat they pose to us as a species, and the steps we might take to protect ourselves from them. Publishers Weekly once dubbed my first book, The Zombie Survival Guide, as “unnecessarily exhaustive.” They had yet to learn what those words really meant!
Unlike me, Matt has also considered the cultural impact of zombie fiction on the human psyche, deconstructing it like an NYU film school professor might deconstruct the works of postmodern French cinema. Somehow he’s managed to keep a toe in both universes. Matt can easily jump into the zombie sandbox for a heated argument about what sword works best against undead necks, then jump right back out for an intellectual analysis of the later works of George Romero.
If zombieism were a religion, I would be a monk, sequestered behind walls of books and ruminations, while Matt would be a pilgrim, out among the people, preaching, educating, and converting from dawn till dusk. When he told me he was writing a book “for people who don’t know anything about zombies but would like to learn,” my only thought was: “We couldn’t have a better ambassador.”
So if you are someone who’s never given the living dead much thought but are curious as to why the living living can’t get enough of them, then this is your book. You may be captivated, or repelled, or just plain weirded out by its pages, but by its end, the one thing you won’t be any longer is ignorant. Prepare to become a zombie expert.
Oh yeah, and don’t read it before going to bed.
After a typically harsh Chicago winter, the city by the lake was sunny and bright in the early summer months of 1969. Escaping the rising afternoon heat, a young film critic named Roger Ebert ducked into a local neighborhood theater to catch the matinee. He found an empty seat among the packed audience of mostly children and families and settled in for what he expected to be just another low-budget monster movie called Night of the Living Dead.
Though the film had already generated some negative buzz, with Variety going so far as to call it an orgy of violence,1 Ebert was consciously withholding judgment until he watched it for himself. He took his new job seriously, and having grown up a huge science fiction and horror fan, he was sure to be more open to the charms of this black-and-white screamer than some stuffy reviewer from the East Coast. After all, how different could it be from the hundreds of other formulaic B-movies he’d seen in the last decade?
The room went dark, the movie projector sputtered to life, and Ebert’s question was answered in the first few minutes of grainy footage that splashed across the screen. This film was not only different; it was unlike anything he’d ever seen before:
There was almost complete silence. The movie had long ago stopped being delightfully scary, and had become unexpectedly terrifying. A little girl across the aisle from me, maybe nine years old, was sitting very still in her seat and crying.
I don’t think the younger kids really knew what hit them. They’d seen horror movies before, but this was something else. This was ghouls eating people—you could actually see what they were eating. This was little girls killing their mothers. This was being set on fire. Worst of all, nobody got out alive—even the hero got killed.2
The gruesome new monsters in writer/director George A. Romero’s terrifying vision gave audiences such a shock that many were literally afraid to leave their seats after the closing credits ran and the lights went up. People freaked out. They covered their eyes, clung to the arms of complete strangers, and screamed at the top of their lungs for the nightmare to end. Then when it finally did, they turned around, bought another ticket, and went back in for more.
The modern zombie was born.
1: DEFINITION OF A ZOMBIE
The Oxford English Dictionary is widely regarded as the premier dictionary of the English language and is rated the most comprehensive dictionary on the planet by Guinness World Records. It includes specific definitions for countless obscure and unusual monsters, including the infamous chupacabra of Latin America and Bigfoot’s Himalayan cousin, the albino yeti. But it does not include an accurate definition of the modern zombie. It instead focuses solely on the slavelike zombie of Afro-Haitian tradition that is completely unrelated to the modern zombie of contemporary pop culture.
zombie (zom-bie)
pronunciation: zämbē
1. A corpse said to be revived by witchcraft, especially in certain African and Caribbean religions.
2. A mixed drink consisting of several kinds of rum, liqueur, and fruit juice.
Informal:
— A person who is or appears to be lifeless, apathetic, or completely unresponsive to his or her surroundings.
— A computer controlled by another person without the owner’s knowledge and used for sending spam or other illegal or illicit activities.
Unfortunately, the Encyclopaedia Britannica is no better. A search for zombie only turns up results for the Haitian zombie and the zombie computer. Not exactly what you might call encyclopedic results.
Does this mean that every movie, video game, event, and organization that this book focuses on simply doesn’t exist? Are the tens of millions of people who participate in zombie walks, zombie proms, zombie pub crawls, zombie conventions, and zombie fi
lm festivals across the planet gathered to express their interest in a nonthing? Or, instead, is the modern zombie being overlooked? It seems that billions of dollars in annual revenue across multiple platforms still can’t put the modern zombie officially on the map.
Based on an extensive study of the modern zombie’s evolution over the past half century and on countless interviews with zombie fans and scholars across the globe, here is the first and most authoritative definition:
The modern zombie is a relentlessly aggressive, reanimated human corpse driven by a biological infection.
This definition is intended to be narrow enough to clearly identify the modern zombie’s unique characteristics and broad enough to apply equally to the original Night of the Living Dead as to the zombie films being conceived and produced today. Furthermore, by breaking down the definition into its component parts, three key elements emerge against which all manner of creature can be quickly and easily judged.
These three definitional elements of the modern zombie are (1) it is a reanimated human corpse, (2) it is relentlessly aggressive, and (3) it is biologically infected and infectious.
(1) HUMAN CORPSE
Zombies occupy the decaying shell of what was once human. They inhabit corpses of flesh, blood, and bone, which makes their systems imperfect. So while they may be relentlessly determined, they are far from invincible. Zombies have a limited life span, given that their bodies are rotting as human corpses do, and they operate under the same laws of science and reason that all worldly beings must operate under.
(2) RELENTLESSLY AGGRESSIVE
Whether the undead scourge is created and spread by bite, by blood, by radiation, or on the wind, zombies are first and foremost defined by their relentless aggression. You can’t negotiate with a zombie. You can’t tell a zombie what to do. A zombie has single-minded focus. It will never stop. It will never surrender. A zombie will continue to move toward its goal at any cost.