by Claire Adams
“She thought I was joking at first,” I said, cringing against the memory. “But apart from that first minute of disbelief, she believed me so easily. It was as though I hadn’t done enough in the past almost year to demonstrate how I really felt about her. I saw the realization dawn on her face… And I knew she believed that I didn’t want her anymore. As if that would be possible.”
“You have to see things from her perspective, Chance,” Lindsey said. “She’s young and insecure, and you’re educated, well traveled, and experienced. It would have been the easiest thing in the world to have believed you.”
I ground my teeth together, frustrated and furious with the man who was behind all the pain I was feeling. “I hate that he can get away with this…”
“He shouldn’t.”
“No, he shouldn’t,” I agreed. “But I won’t let him take down Natalie.”
“Am I right in assuming she doesn’t know any of this?”
“One of Jason’s conditions was that I make it seem like the breakup was real… I needed to convince Natalie that I was the one that wanted to end things.”
“Which means one thing: he believes that had Natalie known that he was blackmailing you, she would have gone to the dean herself.”
I frowned.
“Think about it, Chance,” Lindsey said. “You just told me that Natalie loves you, she wants to be with you. The only reason she’s not is because you were forced to break her heart. Which means if she knows why you broke up with her…”
“She’d expose our relationship herself,” I finished Lindsey’s explanation for her.
“So that Jason loses his leverage and the two of you will be free to be together.”
“Except I’ll have no job and she’ll have no degree.”
“Do you think she’d care about that?”
“Of course not,” I said. “Not at first… But like you said, she’s young. When she’s older, she might regret her decision.”
“Give her some credit for knowing her own mind.”
“I’m not saying she doesn’t,” I clarified. “All I’m saying is that people change their minds. Natalie is only twenty-one. When she’s in her thirties or forties, scrounging for every penny just to make ends meet, she might not thank me for my part in her situation.”
“She can get another degree at another university,” Lindsey pointed out.
“Her parents don’t have the money, and neither does she,” I said. “I might be able to put her through college, but it’ll take years. She’ll be in her mid to late twenties by the time she’s finished. The job market is competitive, and I don’t think she’s going to want to repeat the same degree all over again. And I looked up Jason’s fucking father. The man is really as powerful as Jason claimed he was. He can make her un-hirable if he chooses. Face it, Lindsey; I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.”
“So… she can… go abroad and work overseas. If she doesn’t have the money to move, then take her with you. Regardless, she deserves to know the real reason you broke up with her,” Lindsey said. “Especially if she loves you.”
“Don’t you think I would tell her in a heartbeat if I could?” I asked. “I don’t want to hurt her, and because of that cruel asshole, I was forced to…publicly. But I have to think of her and do what’s best for her. No matter what that means for me. Otherwise, how I can I claim to love her?”
“And that’s all this is?”
“Excuse me?”
“This is a big commitment for you,” Lindsey said, looking at me carefully. “Are you sure you’re not taking the easy way out because you’re scared of continuing your relationship with Natalie.”
“I… that’s… that’s completely untrue.”
Lindsey just raised her eyebrows.
I sighed. “I’m not going to lie and say I’m not… nervous.”
“You’re scared.”
“I’m going to stick to nervous,” I said impatiently. “But Lindsey… this is all just too hard. Her life might be easier without me.”
“Let her decide that,” Lindsey replied. “You just can’t let this jerk win.”
“I don’t have a choice,” I said.
“There are always choices,” she said, looking thoughtful. “But sometimes it’s easier for people like me.”
“Excuse me?”
“Nothing,” Lindsey mumbled. “Never mind. Listen, thanks for telling me all this, but I have to run now.”
“What?” I said. “Where to?”
“I’ve got some papers to grade.”
“Didn’t you finish grading your last papers yesterday?” I asked.
“Uh, did I?” Lindsey said unconvincingly. “Better go check just to make sure. Speak to you later.”
“Wait, Lindsey, what are you planning?”
She didn’t bother answering me. Instead, she slammed the door and disappeared. I sighed and sat back against my chair. It had been a rough couple of days, and I was starting to think it was only going to get worse from here on out.
I picked up my phone, trying to resist the urge to visit my photo library. I still couldn’t muster up the courage to delete all my pictures of Natalie. I was just about to cave and visit the gallery when a call came in. When I saw that it was Sophie, I bit my lip and answered reluctantly.
“Hi, little bro,” Sophie greeted enthusiastically. “I’m just calling to remind you about our dinner tomorrow night. You’re bringing Natalie, right?”
“How’s Tommy?” I asked, ignoring her question.
She sounded a little taken aback, but she answered. “He’s sitting right next to me waiting for confirmation,” she replied. “He’s excited about showing you and Natalie his new animal dictionary. Also, thank Natalie for the book on Egypt she bought for him, he loves it. He’s already been through it five times. Tony and I are actually thinking of making a trip there in a few years. It’s the first time we’ve been so informed about a country we plan to visit.”
“Ah…that’s great.”
“You sound strange.”
“Do I?”
“What’s wrong?” she asked suspiciously. “Are you trying to cancel our dinner?”
“No,” I told her. “I’ll be there, but Natalie won’t be…”
There was a second of silence on the other line, and then I heard a small sigh. “Oh, Chance,” Sophie said, and she sounded as disappointed as I felt.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Natalie
Our new apartment was a shoebox that was located about fifteen minutes from the campus. Missy had found it a few months ago and she had jumped at it because the rent was so cheap. I was past caring though, as long as the freezer kept my ice cream from melting, I was okay.
“What is the point of this?” Missy demanded, turning on me.
“Um…what?”
“That tub in your hands,” she said, eyeing it as though it were the enemy.
“It’s cookies and cream,” I said, offering her a spoonful. “Want a bite?”
“No, I do not want a bite,” Missy said, in annoyance. “You realize that ice cream will just go straight to your hips?”
I shrugged uncaringly. “It’s delicious, and it makes me feel better.”
“Does it really?”
“No,” I admitted. “But it helps.”
“I can’t believe you bought a whole tub of ice cream,” she said. “This has to be a low point.”
“Isn’t this what girls do after a breakup?” I said, popping a large spoonful of ice cream into my mouth. “And anyway, it’s a mini tub. The point is to finish it in one sitting.”
“You need to go out,” she said with finality.
I raised my eyebrows. “Pass.”
“Come on, Nat,” she pleaded with me. “You haven’t really been out since the breakup.”
“I go out,” I said defensively.
“Oh yeah? Where?” Missy demanded.
“I went to the grocery store and bought myself a tub of ice cream,” I
said, giving her a half-hearted smile.
Missy smacked her forehead with her hand. “This is not healthy.”
“Geez… If you’re so worried about the calories, I’ll go for a run tomorrow, okay?”
She frowned at me. “I’m not talking about the ice cream,” she said, half-amused. “I’m talking about you.”
“Me?”
“Sitting there in your sweats, day in, day out, stuffing your feelings under food cravings and refusing to go out and talk to anyone.”
“What do you mean by ‘day in and day out’? It’s only been four days since the breakup,” I said. “Also I talk to my parents, and I talk to you,” I said. “I think that’s enough talking.”
“Me and your parents do not count,” she said firmly. “You need to mix with other people…new people…male people.”
“Urgh.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means I know what you’re trying to do,” I said. “You’re trying to get me out there so that I can meet another guy.”
“So? What would be so wrong with that?”
“The fact that I don’t want to meet anyone new.”
“You say that now,” Missy said. “You’ll change your mind when you see all the cute guys at Oasis tonight.”
I stuffed my face with more ice cream and avoided eye contact. Suddenly the tub in my hands was snatched away, and I was clawing at empty air. “What the—”
“That’s enough,” she said, and her tone was fierce. “You are not going to be this girl.”
“What girl?” I demanded.
“The girl who sits in her room moping because some guy was too stupid to realize how awesome she is,” Missy said. “You are going to live your life because this is his loss. You hear me? It’s his loss, and it’s time you realize that.”
“Missy—”
“Don’t Missy me. We’re going out tonight and if you resist… I’ll bring the party to you.”
I frowned. “You wouldn’t.”
“Try me,” she said, and her expression was steel.
“Jesus…fine, fine,” I said, conceding defeat. “I’ll go out tonight.”
“Excellent,” Missy said, and the smile reappeared on her face instantly.
“Just one condition.”
“What?” she asked suspiciously.
“Not Oasis,” I said. “I… That’s where we met.”
“Fair enough,” she nodded. “I’m a reasonable woman, and there are plenty of other bars with cute guys. Now put on something sexy and let’s go.”
I groaned. “Can’t a just wear something comfortable?”
I had stopped wearing my contacts and gone back to my glasses, much to Missy’s chagrin. Even my style had reverted back to how it used to be. I knew that she wasn’t going to allow that tonight, however. Just as I suspected, she grabbed my glasses.
“Put on your contacts please,” she said. “And wear the strappy blue dress in my closet.”
“It’s too tight,” I complained. “And too short.”
“Then it’s perfect,” she said. “Wear it.”
Unwilling to have a long drawn out argument, I decided to simply give in to her. I put on the dress, let my hair down, and ditched my glasses for contacts. Missy looked me up and down and then nodded. “A smile would complete the look, but I’ll take what I get. Let’s go.”
I dragged my feet the whole way to the bar. It was not as big as Oasis, but it was loud and crowded, and the vibes were good. Except that I could only find it in myself to tolerate the atmosphere. If I had my way, I would have found a quiet corner to hide in until the night was over. Unfortunately for me, Missy was watching me like a hawk, and she wasn’t going to just let me slink off into some corner.
“Let’s dance.”
“No,” I said. “Let’s get drinks first.”
She nodded, and we headed to the bar. The bartender was tall, large, and heavily tattooed. I saw Missy’s eyes light up with interest, and I hoped she would get distracted and ignore me.
“Hey there,” she said. “What’s your name?”
“Mike.” He smiled. “And yours?”
“Missy.” She smiled back flirtatiously. “Can we have two beers, Mike?”
As Mike handed us our beer, Missy leaned in a little. “So, can you help me out a little?” she asked.
“Sure.” He nodded. “With what?
“I’m trying to hook my girl here with someone.”
I groaned and shook my head. “No, I—”
“Ignore her,” Missy said, interrupting me. “I’m in charge tonight.”
“I have no doubt you’re in charge most nights,” he said appreciatively.
I rolled my eyes as she laughed. “How well you know me already. Now tell me… Any viable candidates? There must be a few regulars that you can recommend?”
“I don’t want—”
“I want a guy who’s looking for a good time,” Missy continued, ignoring me once more.
Mike looked ahead at the dance floor. “Elijah’s a decent guy. He’s the tall blond with the arm tattoo. Greg and Sam are good guys too. They’re at the end of the bar with the redhead.”
“Is she with one of them?”
“Nope…strictly friends last I checked.”
“Thanks, Mike, darling, you’ve been a doll.”
“Is that the only thank you I can expect to receive?” he asked suggestively.
Missy gave him a little wink. “Find me at the end of the night, and I’ll give you a proper thank you,” she promised.
I tried not to let their little exchange bother me, but I was ashamed to admit it did. It just served to remind me that I was alone. I had lost the love of my life and everything I saw just seemed to drive home that fact. Missy must have caught on to the sour expression on my face because changed course immediately and forced me away from the bar.
“I know this is a struggle for you,” she said gently. “But try not to think about Chance tonight.”
“What would you suggest I think about?”
Missy sighed. “Graduation, it’s only days away.”
I shrugged.
“Then try and focus on another guy. What about the tall blond who Mike pointed out. He’s good looking. He even looks a little bit like—”
“He does not,” I said vehemently.
“Whoa…okay, he doesn’t,” Missy said quickly. “I’m just saying, try and keep an open mind about tonight. Dance with a guy, if he wants to buy you a couple of drinks, let him. If he wants to take you home, let him.”
“Just like that?” I demanded. “I should just ‘let him?’”
“Why not?” she asked. “You’re an adult, and you’ve had sex before… It’s not a big deal.”
“Why do people say that?” I asked. “Why do people act as though sex is meaningless?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“If you can have sex with a stranger and not have it mean anything, then logically, you’re saying that sex is meaningless.”
“Well…”
“I suppose it depends on your perspective,” I said. “And my perspective is that sex is a big deal. And it should mean something…even if it’s with a stranger.”
Missy was silent for a moment. “Okay, fine…you don’t have to sleep with anyone. But you can dance, right? Dancing doesn’t have to mean anything?”
I sighed. “I guess not.”
“Good, then come on,” she said, as she grabbed my hand and pulled me along. “We’re heading to the dance floor.”
The floor was crowded, but not unpleasantly so. I stayed close to Missy and followed her as she made her way to the center of the floor. I noticed that she stopped just next to the blond guy that Mike had pointed out for me. I decided to ignore it and just dance, but my heart wasn’t in it.
After a few minutes, the blond turned to me. He had a nice face and was reasonably gentlemanly as he came up to me and started dancing. When he reached for my hand, I gave in, and
for a few short seconds, I managed not to think about Chance. Then I looked up directly at his face, and all my willpower crumbled away.
I felt tears prick at the back of my eyes and I knew it was only seconds before I broke down in front of everybody. His hands kept reaching for me, in an attempt to pull me closer, but every time he tried, my skin crawled. It wasn’t personal. It had nothing to do with him. It was about Chance and me.
I backed away from him suddenly. His face contorted into confusion, but I didn’t stay long enough to give him an explanation. Instead, I wove through the dancing crowd, knocking several people along the way, and ran straight for the doors. Once I was out in the cool night air, away from the crowd and the music, I felt the relief of knowing that I could break down in peace now.
As the tears started falling, I realized there was someone at my back. For a moment, I was terrified it would be Jason, but when I turned, I saw that it was only Missy. She saw my tears, and her face fell into sympathy.
“Oh, Nat,” she said, as she came forward and hugged me. “I’m sorry… I only wanted to give you a break from all that thinking you were doing by yourself.”
“I know,” I sobbed, against her shoulder. “But… I think it’s too soon. For now… I just need to be sad.”
“I know,” she said, patting me comfortingly on the back. “I’m sorry. You were right before. Sex should mean something. And for all my talk… I haven’t actually slept with too many guys.”
“Sleeping with some random guy isn’t going to make me feel any better about Chance,” I pointed out.
“I know.” She nodded. “Nothing can really do that. I suppose sex is sometimes a numbing agent. But it doesn’t really provide a permanent fix.”
“No,” I agreed. “I’m just struggling… I’ve never been through a breakup before, and I certainly haven’t ever been in love before.”
“That’s why it’s so hard, Nat,” Missy said. “Maybe you need closure.”
“How do you propose I get that?”
“Talk to Chance,” she advised. “Ask him to explain – really explain what happened, what went wrong between the two of you.”
“He already told me.”
“That he got bored?” she asked. “That he couldn’t feel the passion anymore? Do you really buy that excuse?”