by Ariel Ellman
“I’m sorry. I guess there’s a lot that we don’t know about each other anymore,” Ani conceded ruefully.
“Like the fact that you’re a mother now,” Sebastian whispered, reaching his hands back up to Ani’s face and trailing a finger across her lips.
“And a wife,” Ani whispered back, closing her eyes to Sebastian’s touch.
“And a wife,” Sebastian repeated softly, letting his fingers drop from Ani’s lips.
“Did you know it would be this hard to see each other?” Ani asked Sebastian hoarsely, opening her eyes and staring into his unreadable face.
Sebastian nodded in reply. “I’ve tried to come every day since I got out,” he confessed. “I asked my cousin Sean to look you up for me and he told me that you owned this bakery, but I just couldn’t face you….” His voice trailed off as he stared at Ani helplessly. “God, I just couldn’t face you A,” he repeated again, turning away from Ani and staring out into space.
“I’m glad you finally came,” Ani whispered behind him.
“Sean told me that you got married and had a daughter,” Sebastian admitted quietly.
“Bast,” Ani began helplessly.
“I can’t believe you named her Raphael,” Sebastian whispered, interrupting Ani.
“Well I couldn’t name her Eva,” Ani choked back in reply.
When Ani found out she was pregnant sixteen years ago, she was afraid to tell Sebastian at first. She was only fifteen, almost sixteen, a sophomore in high school. Sebastian was almost eighteen and in his senior year. He had gotten accepted to B.U. and was so excited about being the first kid in his family to go to college and not be a fisherman. But two months later, Ani finally broke down and confessed. She was an emotional wreck, hungry and nauseous, crying all the time. Sebastian was starting to think that she had an eating disorder so she finally told him, breaking down and crying sloppily all over his football jacket after a big game.
“I’m pregnant,” Ani had wept that night, and Sebastian had kissed a path from her tear-filled eyes down to her belly in response, lifting up her sweater and pressing his cold face against Ani’s warm skin. He made Ani promise not to worry, he assured her that he would work it all out, and he told her if the baby was a girl, they would name her Eva, after the mother Ani had lost to Breast Cancer when she was twelve.
“Raffi was my fault you know,” Sebastian whispered to Ani now, as he stood with his back to her in the bakery, staring out the window blankly.
“Oh Bast, no!” Ani’s voice was thick with grief as she finally gave into her longing and wrapped her arms around Sebastian, burying her face in his shoulder blades.
“It was karma A. You know it was,” Sebastian choked, leaning his head back into Ani’s arms. Ani could feel how tightly Sebastian was holding it all in and she could feel his body shaking with the effort not to break down.
“I don’t believe life works that way Bast,” Ani whispered back, holding Sebastian tightly against her as they stood in the bakery, silent in their sorrow.
Raphael was Sebastian’s brother. They were only ten months apart, Irish twins. A drunk driver had killed him on his way home from school just one month after Sebastian’s own accident. He had caught a ride home with a bunch of his teammates after soccer practice because his dad was at Sebastian’s trial and couldn’t pick him up. Raffi wasn’t wearing his seatbelt and was flung against the car window when the other car swerved coming around the corner and rammed into the back of his friend’s car. He was killed instantly, his skull smashed against the window. Two other kids were severely injured, but other than Raffi, everyone else survived the crash.
Ani always believed that it was Raffi’s death that turned the tide against Sebastian at his trial. His father stopped coming to court to show his support, and heartbroken with grief, had screamed at Sebastian in front of the jury that it was his fault that Raffi was killed. After that day, Sebastian just crumbled into himself, no longer even willing to fight for his freedom. And when the jury returned with a guilty verdict, and the prosecutor asked for a maximum fifteen-year sentence, Sebastian didn’t even blink. It was an election year and they wanted to make an example out of him for their fight against drunk driving.
“Are you smelling me?” Sebastian asked with a grin, interrupting Ani’s memories as he turned around in her arms and drew her into his chest.
“Yes,” Ani admitted with a small laugh. “I’m trying to memorize your new smell.” She pressed her face into Sebastian’s neck.
“You don’t have to memorize it A,” Sebastian whispered, lifting Ani’s face up to meet his own. “I’m not going to disappear again,” he promised, staring into her eyes intently.
“It’s soap and sweat and masculinity mixed in with the sea,” Ani whispered, blinking back tears. “It’s the smell of the man you’ve become, not the boy I remember.”
Sebastian stared at the tears streaming out of Ani’s eyes and he traced them gently down her cheeks with his fingertips, brushing his fingers over her lips.
“Bast!” Ani gasped as Sebastian finally lowered his mouth to her lips. “Take me home with you.”
“Are you sure?” Sebastian whispered back huskily against Ani’s mouth.
Ani didn’t bother to reply. She just lowered her lips to the thorns that cradled the Claddagh heart with her name on Sebastian’s neck, and began to lick a slow path up the base of his throat, tracing over the letters of her name and the petals of the rose until their lips met, hovering a fraction of an inch from each other, not touching.
“Take me home, Bast,” Ani whispered again as Sebastian stared into her deep blue eyes, mesmerized by the feel of her breath against his skin.
Sebastian led Ani to his dark green pick-up truck, and they spent the short ride to his apartment in silence. He was living down by the harbor near their old neighborhood, and it was only a short distance away from the funky South End neighborhood where Ani had her bakery.
“It’s really nice,” Ani murmured after she followed Sebastian into his apartment. She walked around the studio apartment, trailing her fingers over the exposed brick wall and dark wood window trim, taking it all in. “Did you do all this?” Ani gestured around the apartment at the walls painted in soothing shades of blue and green, accented by beautiful dark molding.
“Yeah, it was pretty much a dump when I moved in. Sean said I could do whatever I wanted to it and I’ve had nothing but time on my hands so….” Sebastian’s voice trailed off.
“This is amazing!” Ani exclaimed as she came to a stop in front of a painting of the wharf that was hanging above a futon bed. The painting was a swirl of blue and grey with hints of orange, green and purple. At first glance all you saw was an old weathered dock at dusk, blanketed by a deep fog. But as you looked deeper, searching out the hidden colors and swirls, you saw the bent and tired shoulders of the fishermen as they leaned over their boats stacking their lobster pots. The love of the sea was in their eyes and the weariness of a long day in the set of their mouths.
“Oh my God Bast, you painted this,” Ani breathed in sudden realization, turning to face him. Sebastian reached out a calloused thumb and traced Ani’s quivering bottom lip wonderingly.
“No more tears,” he murmured as her eyes began to fill yet again. “No more tears.” Sebastian closed the distance between them, softly licking the salty stream that was trailing down Ani’s face, until his tongue finally settled on her lips and he captured her mouth against his own.
Ani melted against Sebastian, returning his kisses with soft moans as she wrapped her hands around his neck and met his searching lips.
“You got taller,” she whispered against his mouth.
“And you shrank,” Sebastian whispered back, scooping Ani up effortlessly and carrying her over to the futon.
“I did not!” she protested, swatting him with a laugh.
“Well you didn’t get any taller,” Sebastian joined in her laughter.
“Actually it’s true, I stopped growi
ng that year,” Ani murmured softly, looking down at the bed and tracing her fingers across the green patterned cover. “I stopped living for so long you know.” She looked up to meet Sebastian’s eyes.
“I know,” Sebastian replied hoarsely, staring back at Ani with a haunted expression.
“Why did you refuse to see me?” Ani choked back a sob. “I came every day for so long Bast. I wrote to you, I took three buses to the prison, I emptied my pockets, I walked through metal detectors and sat in those plastic chairs waiting for you and you refused to see me.”
“Two years and fourteen days,” Sebastian replied softly, reaching out and running his fingers across Ani’s face. “You came every Saturday and Sunday for two years and fourteen days. You wore my football jacket and sat in the chair alone playing with my school ring on your left ring finger, waiting for me to come to you.”
“You saw me?” Ani gasped. “You saw me and you didn’t come?” she asked in anguish, staring at Sebastian disbelievingly.
“There was a guard named Danny Sullivan who had a soft spot for me. He had a little brother who was serving time for stealing a car and I think I reminded him of his baby brother. He used to let me watch you from behind the glass when you came to visit,” Sebastian murmured. “I just couldn’t sit across from you and not touch you A. I couldn’t face you knowing that you were waiting for me, waiting for a life that we couldn’t have together, a life that I robbed us of,” Sebastian choked.
“Bast, no!” Ani cried, lowering her face into her hands and weeping helplessly. “It wasn’t your fault. It was an accident. It shouldn’t have happened.”
“That’s not true,” Sebastian replied softly, lifting Ani’s chin to meet his eyes. “I wasn’t illegally imprisoned or framed for a crime that I didn’t commit A. I murdered four people, and I deserved to lose those fifteen years of my life.”
“Four people?” Ani gasped. “Stop being a martyr!” she screamed, suddenly raising her fists and beating them against Sebastian’s chest. “It was an accident that killed that woman and her daughter. It was an accident that I lost our baby. And you didn’t kill Raphael. You weren’t even near him the day he died. You can’t take responsibility for that too, I won’t let you,” Ani sobbed.
Sebastian stared back into Ani’s angry weeping eyes and suddenly pulled his t-shirt off, revealing a beautiful muscled chest covered in ink.
“Everything is here A,” he whispered softly. “You want to know what I think, how I feel, why I made the choices I made? It’s all here.” He took Ani’s fingers and trailed them across the art on his chest and around his shoulders and across his back. “This is my story, this is who I am now.”
“Oh Bast,” Ani breathed, trying to take it all in as she trailed her fingers across the pictures that were inked across Sebastian’s chest and stomach. “The Bean Sídhe,” she gasped, tracing the image of the Irish banshee of death with her fingers.
“I never heard her warning cry,” Sebastian murmured, covering Ani’s hand with his own as he traced the image of the tear sliding down the Irish fairy’s cheek.
“Eva,” Ani whispered, running her fingers over the Irish letters that spelled out Éabha, the Irish name for Eve. She slipped her fingers under the heavy gold chain that hung around Sebastian’s neck, and fingered the gold medal that rested in the hair on his chest. “You still wear your St. Sebastian medal,” she observed softly.
“My father told me Raffi gave you his,” Sebastian replied gently, reaching into Ani’s tank-top and lifting the heavy gold medal out that hung between her breasts.
“Raffi put it on me at the hospital the night I lost Eva,” Ani murmured, running her fingers over the Archangel Raphael medal, the Patron Saint of Healing. “I tried to give it back to your dad when Raffi died, but he wouldn’t take it. He said that Raffi gave it to me and obviously wanted me to have it. He told me to heal and feel the warmth of God’s grace around me,” Ani choked.
“That’s what he said when he gave us the medals at our confirmations,” Sebastian whispered at the memory. “Let God’s grace surround you son.”
“What does this mean?” Ani let the medal drop from her hand and she trailed her fingers across an intricate tattoo of an eagle and raven entwined together.
“It’s a Celtic symbol for strength and freedom. In Celtic mythology the eagles and ravens were not considered bound to the land, they connected the warriors to the Gods,” Sebastian explained, closing his eyes as Ani continued to trail her fingers across his body, exploring his story.
“Is this the Celtic knot shield?” Ani murmured, running her fingers across the beautiful knotted shield that spread across Sebastian’s chest.
Sebastian nodded his head, keeping his eyes closed as he reveled in the sensation of Ani’s fingers on his skin.
“What does this knot represent?” Ani whispered, tracing the unusual Celtic knot design under Sebastian’s collarbone.
“Monk,” he whispered hoarsely as Ani’s hot breath teased his skin.
“And the scales of justice?” Ani whispered, leaning down and replacing her fingers with her lips.
“In the end, they called me The Judge inside….” Sebastian searched for the words to explain. “I was a peacekeeper of sorts. I helped to settle conflicts, brokered meetings between gangs… I was there a long time.”
“Peacekeeper….” Ani whispered, tracing the scales of justice with her tongue.
“Ani….” Sebastian moaned, burying his fingers in her hair. “I’ve dreamt of your lips on my body for fifteen years,” he murmured as Ani continued to trail kisses across his chest and down to his groin. “Oh God,” he gasped when she started to pull his faded jeans off and kissed her way down his navel.
“Why the monk symbol?” Ani whispered, pulling Sebastian’s underwear off and closing her lips around him.
“Didn’t let anyone suck my dick,” Sebastian moaned in irony as Ani took him deep in her throat and wrapped him in her hot wet mouth.
“God Ani, I can’t-” Sebastian gasped before he came in her mouth in a quick hot burst.
“Fifteen years and no blow jobs?” Ani teased, crawling up Sebastian’s chest and burying her head in his neck.
“I was waiting for you,” Sebastian whispered back in reply as his eyes began to close, and then he was out, snoring deeply while he held Ani tightly against his chest.
Ani woke up several hours later to a dark apartment and a warm hand sliding up the back of her shirt.
“I want to feel your skin,” Sebastian whispered, pulling Ani’s tank top over her head and trailing his fingers across the lace of her bra. Ani unbuttoned her jeans and wriggled out of them as Sebastian unhooked her bra and lowered his mouth to her breast.
“God Ani, your skin is like silk,” he breathed against her breast, his tongue teasing her nipple as he reached down and slid her panties off.
“Bast,” Ani moaned as he lowered his head and began to trail kisses down her body. Sebastian’s kisses consumed her. It had always been Sebastian. She had been waiting for him for fifteen years.
Sebastian started with Ani’s feet and trailed kisses up her legs and buried his nose against her thighs, inhaling her scent deeply like a man starved for oxygen. “Your smell….” Sebastian gasped in wonder as he nibbled his way up Ani’s thighs and pressed his face into her dark blond curls.
“Not a lot of kitty cat in prison?” Ani teased, arching her back with a gasp as Sebastian flicked his tongue against her moist wet heat.
“What’s that?” Sebastian taunted, running his tongue over her nub and sliding his finger inside her. “You want to tease me about my lack of pussy in prison or do you want to play?” He lifted his face to look up at Ani’s with a mischievous grin.
“Play,” Ani gasped as Sebastian slid another finger inside her and began to slowly stroke her clit at the same time.
“I think I found the sweet spot,” Sebastian whispered against Ani as she began to moan and shake and beg.
“Oh my God Bast
,” Ani breathed when she finally succumbed to her orgasm and he came up for air, resting his head against her belly. She ran her fingers over his head, learning the shape of it without his thick curls.
“I’m so sorry about Eva A,” Sebastian murmured against Ani’s belly, and Ani felt hot tears trickle down his face and pool in her belly button. “I’m so sorry about everything,” he choked, lifting eyes naked with raw emotion up to meet Ani’s gaze.
In that moment, as Ani stared back at Sebastian, she was suddenly brought back to the night of the accident sixteen years ago.
They had just found out they were having a daughter. Ani was nineteen weeks pregnant and finally starting to really show. She had always been skinny, too skinny Sebastian had liked to tease, and it was winter, so no one had noticed the tiny swell of her belly under her sweats and hoody yet. It was Friday night and they were going to a party straight from the clinic where Ani had just had her first ultrasound.
“We need to have a plan Bast,” Ani pressed Sebastian as he drove them to the keg party. “What if my dad throws me out when we tell him?”
“He’s not going to throw you out, and I have a plan anyway. Just stop worrying. I’ll tell both our father’s soon,” Sebastian assured Ani as he pulled up in front of his friend’s house.
“My dad probably won’t even care anyway,” Ani murmured as Bast took her hand. “He doesn’t care about anything since my mum died. Your dad on the other hand is going to whip you for sure though,” she smiled faintly.
“He may try, but I’m the same size as he is now so I doubt he’ll succeed,” Sebastian grinned. “Besides, what’s he going to whip me for that he hasn’t done himself? He was eighteen when I was born, I’ll just tell him I’m following in his footsteps.”
“You wouldn’t dare!” Ani gasped, laughing at Sebastian’s devilish grin. “He’d whip you for that smart comment alone!”
Ani lost track of Sebastian after he headed over to the keg, and she was hanging out with her friends having a good time until she suddenly overheard some kids whispering about her looking pregnant, and then the next thing she knew Sebastian had decked his best friend and they were out on the lawn yelling at each other about school and throwing the chance of a lifetime away.