by Ariel Ellman
Sawyer smiled sadly remembering the day they had all skipped school and taken her along to the beach with them. It was only a few weeks before Sebastian and Ani’s accident. It was March, and they were bundled up in their jeans and hoodies. She had only been twelve at the time and had felt so grown up to be with her sister and her high school friends.
When Sebastian and Ani had walked off down the beach together to be alone, Raffi had patted the blanket beside him in invitation, and stretched out on his back to stare up at the beautiful blue sky.
“So Soy, what do you want to be when you grow up?” he asked her with his trademark devilish grin.
“I don’t know,” Sawyer replied shyly. She was still trying to figure out why her heart raced and her palms got sweaty when the girls changed in front of her for gym class.
“I want to be a lobsterman like my father,” Raffi confided, staring out at the sea. “People say that it’s a dying profession, especially in the Boston Harbor, but it’s in our family blood.” He turned his face to look at Sawyer. “The O’Reilly men have been setting lobster pots in these waters for five generations,” he declared with reverence. “Even though my granddad sent my father to Ireland to be raised by my grandmother’s family, he came back here with me and Bast when he was nineteen to haul lobsters with his father. We belong to this sea; five generations of O’Reilly men have trawled this sea for lobster and I’m going to be the sixth.”
“I think I might like girls,” Sawyer whispered back, her face burning in mortification. She couldn’t believe she’d just said it out loud, and to Raphael O’Reilly of all people! Raffi’s eyes widened and he grinned at Sawyer, reaching out and tugging on one of her braids.
“Aren’t you a little young to be thinking about girls?” he asked with a laugh and a twinkle in his beautiful green eyes.
“I’m almost thirteen and I got my period a year ago,” Sawyer replied, sticking her tongue out at Raffi. “I could get pregnant if I had sex right now so I don’t see how I’m too young to be thinking about it.” Her temper flared.
“Well you can’t get pregnant if you have sex with a girl,” Raffi teased, and Sawyer’s eyes widened as she burst out laughing.
“It feels good to actually talk about it with someone,” Sawyer whispered shyly, staring into Raffi’s piercing green eyes.
“Well I totally understand,” Raffi replied, flashing a dimpled grin. “I think girls are hot too.”
How could she explain Raffi O’Reilly to her niece, Sawyer wondered as she shook away the memories of that day on the beach with Raffi. In truth, her niece reminded her much more of Sebastian than his brother. Raffi had always reminded Sawyer of Sebastian with her serious eyes and quiet, thoughtful expressions. Raffi was a thinker. Ani called her an old soul, but Sawyer often wondered if it wasn’t Ani’s silences that made Raffi so quiet and serious, and not that she’d been born that way.
“He was a wonderful boy,” Sawyer finally whispered to her niece. “He was sweet and kind, full of life and mischief, and everyone loved him.”
“Do I look like him at all?” Raffi asked curiously.
“Well you have dark hair like he did, but I think you get that from your dad,” Sawyer replied with a tender smile, her heart suddenly breaking at the thought of Jordan alone back at the brownstone. “Hey, you want to go see your dad?” Sawyer asked suddenly, jumping up and pulling Raffi to her feet.
“Right now?” Raffi asked, blinking her eyes in surprise.
“Yes,” Sawyer replied decisively. “Let’s go bring him some ice cream.”
“Hey,” Ani called out to them softly when Sawyer and Raffi walked into the living room. “What are you guys doing?” she asked, pressing a tissue against her red eyes.
“We’re going to bring daddy some ice cream,” Raffi said, meeting her mother’s gaze uncertainly.
“Oh,” Ani replied, staring at Sawyer with an unreadable expression on her face.
“I love all of you A,” Sawyer tried to explain. “I’m not taking sides. My heart is breaking for all of you equally.” She grabbed her keys and pulled Raffi out the door with her.
The brownstone was dark when Sawyer and Raffi pulled up in front of it and they knocked softly before Sawyer unlocked the door with her key.
“Daddy?” Raffi called, flipping the foyer light on and following her aunt into the kitchen. Jordan was sitting at the kitchen island in the dark, swirling his wine from dinner around in the bottom of his glass. “We brought you ice cream.”
Sawyer began to clear away the abandoned dinner plates and containers of food that Jordan had brought home earlier.
“Really?” Jordan replied, mustering up a half smile for his daughter. “What kind?” He pushed his wine glass away and pulled Raffi into his arms.
“Praline!” Raffi announced, burying her face in her father’s chest.
“My favorite,” Jordan whispered into his daughter’s hair as he held her tightly against him.
“Cup or cone?” Sawyer asked, pulling ice cream, sprinkles and a box of cones out of the bag.
“Cone,” Jordan replied.
“Sprinkles?” Sawyer asked, raising an eyebrow as she opened the ice cream and proceeded to dish it out.
“Of course,” Jordan answered, locking eyes with Sawyer as she passed him his cone.
“Did you force her to marry me Soy?” he asked Sawyer softly when Raffi left the kitchen to go to the bathroom.
“No, of course not,” Sawyer protested.
“But she didn’t want to, did she?” Jordan persisted. “She married me because of Raffi.” He looked down at the cone that was dripping in his hand.
“Ani married you because she loved you,” Sawyer disagreed. “The night before your wedding, when she stayed at my dorm, she told me how much she loved you. She said that you made her laugh and appreciate all of the beauty in the world. She wanted that Jordan. She’s always wanted to be able to appreciate the joy in living; she just doesn’t always succeed.”
“And now we’re getting to the root of everything,” Jordan said, standing up and throwing his dripping ice cream cone into the garbage. “The million dollar question is, will anyone ever tell me why my beautiful wife doesn’t think that she deserves to appreciate the beauty in life?” Jordan asked Sawyer softly. “I’ve thought about just Googling her name you know, to see if anything from her past would come up, anything that would give me some clue to the secrets in her eyes,” Jordan said angrily. “But then I stop, telling myself that she’ll trust me one day, that they’re not my secrets to hunt down, that they’re her secrets to share.”
Sawyer stared across the kitchen island at her sister’s husband in anguish, much as her sister had just hours before.
“You look just like her you know, sitting there, staring at me with those haunted blue eyes. You Mackenzie women and your damn blue eyes,” Jordan choked out helplessly in defeat. “A man could drown in the depths of your eyes. I cried the first time that Raffi stared back at me you know. I thought, oh no, she has her mother’s eyes, I don’t stand a chance.”
“Jordan, I want to tell you everything, I always have,” Sawyer choked, walking over to him and taking his hand in hers. “You’re so good for Ani, you always have been. You’re a wonderful husband and father and I love you like a brother.” She gulped back hot tears.
“But it’s not your story to tell,” Jordan finished for Sawyer as she shook her head sadly.
“I don’t know where her head is right now,” she admitted hopelessly.
“How about her heart Huckleberry?” Jordan asked softly, staring into Sawyer’s eyes intently as he used the nickname that he’d given her when they first met. “Do you know where her heart is right now? Is her heart with the mysterious friend who she used to bake lemon bars for? The friend with the dead brother who she named our daughter after and never even told me about?”
“I don’t know,” Sawyer answered helplessly as Raffi walked back into the kitchen.
“His name is Se
bastian,” Raffi whispered from the doorway. “His name is Sebastian and he has mommy’s Irish name tattooed on his neck in a heart. It looks just like the embroidered one that her mother made her that hangs in your room.”
“Of course he does,” Jordan sighed in defeat. “I bet he knows all her secrets too.”
“Come on sweet pea,” Sawyer called to Raffi, suddenly wondering if she’d made a horrible mistake by coming to Jordan tonight, by bringing Raffi when Ani clearly wanted her with her. “Time to go, it’s after eight.”
“So. I don’t have school tomorrow, it’s Saturday,” Raffi protested.
“You go ahead Soy, I’ll bring Raffi to the bakery in the morning,” Jordan said, slipping his arm around his daughter and hugging her tightly.
Sawyer stared back at Raffi and Jordan uneasily, now certain that she’d made a bad decision in bringing Raffi here tonight.
“I don’t know Jordan…” Sawyer said, her voice trailing off. “I told Ani I’d bring her back with me tonight.”
“I want to stay home with my dad,” Raffi interjected.
“Maybe I should call Ani,” Sawyer whispered helplessly, searching Jordan’s unreadable face. Jordan raised his eyebrow in response and cocked his head questioningly at Sawyer.
“This is Raffi’s house and I’m her father Soy,” he said quietly. “There isn’t anything to call Ani about.”
“Okay,” Sawyer replied weakly, suddenly feeling lightheaded and nauseous as she gathered up her keys and hugged Raffi good-bye. “Call me if you change your mind,” she whispered. “I’ll come right back for you.”
“I’ll see you in the morning,” Raffi replied, her blue eyes suddenly filled with her own secrets.
“Good night,” Sawyer called, turning around and practically running out of the house as her tears began to fall.
Sawyer tried desperately to pull herself together before she got back to her apartment, but she couldn’t control the sobs that choked her as she burst through the door and threw herself in her sister’s arms.
“What happened? Where’s Raffi?” Ani screamed, looking behind her sister in terror. “Is she okay? Did she get hurt?” she asked, shaking her sister’s arm.
“She’s fine, she’s with Jordan,” Sawyer wept, burying her face against her sister’s chest. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t trying to take sides, I didn’t mean to bring her to him, I didn’t know she would stay.”
Ani sank down onto the couch with her sister in relief.
“Oh my God Soy, you scared me,” she whispered. “I thought something had happened to her.”
“Can you forgive me for going over there tonight?” Sawyer asked, staring up at her sister with tear-filled eyes.
“Oh Soy,” Ani cried, hugging her sister tightly. “There’s nothing to forgive. I’m so sorry that I’ve let my mess become yours.”
“I love Bast too you know,” Sawyer wept. “He was like a brother to me when we were kids, and I’m so happy he’s finally out of prison, but I also love Jordan, A. He’s been our family for the last nine years. I danced in his arms at your wedding. I held his hand when Raffi was born. He helped me get my job in sports massage,” Sawyer choked. “He’s my brother in-law.”
“I love him too Soy, he’s my husband,” Ani whispered softly.
“Then what are you doing A?” Sawyer moaned, lifting her head up to stare into her sister’s eyes. “You’re breaking his heart and I don’t know if he’ll forgive you when it’s over.”
“Do you know what the rose on Sebastian’s neck stands for Soy?” Ani asked her sister quietly.
“No,” Sawyer whimpered, blinking back tears.
“It stands for coming of age inside, celebrating a teenage birthday behind bars,” Ani whispered. “The outlines of the teardrops on his face are the lives that he mourns, Eva and Raffi. The ink they’re filled in with represents the lives that he took, the mother and her child.”
“Ani,” Sawyer gasped, reaching for her sister and doubling over, her body shaking with sobs.
“The fifteen church spires on his back stand for years spent in prison and the cross at the top of the center spire means sentence served,” Ani choked.
“Ani, stop,” Sawyer begged, pulling her sister back into her arms.
“There are bells on his shoulders Soy,” Ani continued, taking deep shuddering breaths. “They mean he served his sentence in full: bell call to bell call, no parole. He didn’t give up parole to stay away from me Soy, he gave it up so he could serve his sentence and be free to come back to me.” Ani stared into her sister’s wide eyes. “He came back for me Soy, and I have a husband and a daughter with another man. I have a daughter when we lost ours, and I named her after his dead brother and didn’t tell anyone, including my own husband. What am I supposed to do with that?” Ani whispered. “God Soy, I’m so messed up.”
“You are,” Sawyer agreed with a sad laugh, “but at least you’re finally admitting it. At least you’re not locking it all away anymore.”
“I have to talk to Jordan,” Ani sighed. “I ran away when I should have stayed and talked to him. I ran away from him like I always do.”
“He’s waited so long for you to share your secrets,” Sawyer agreed.
“Sebastian wants me to go trawling for lobsters with him,” Ani laughed in disbelief. “Remember how much he hated his father’s boat and the stink of fish bait on his hands when we were kids? Did you know that he was going to work weekends with his father hauling lobsters to support me and Eva?”
“Well maybe he doesn’t hate it anymore,” Sawyer said softly.
“No, I don’t think he does,” Ani agreed, laying her head back on the couch and finally succumbing to sleep.
Chapter Eight
Jordan stood outside the back door of his wife’s bakery with his daughter’s hand in his own and inhaled deeply. He smelled cinnamon and cloves and some kind of fruit, cranberries he thought, but no lemon. He rolled his daughter’s words from last night around in his head, trying to pinpoint which detail had hurt the most, the fact that his wife had named their daughter after someone and didn’t tell him, or that she refused to bake anything lemon all these years because she couldn’t bear the memory of the person who she used to bake for. In the nine years that they’d been married, Jordan had considered almost every scenario that he could think of to explain the secrets that haunted his wife’s eyes. He wondered if she’d been raped as a child, he wondered if she’d killed someone. Ani never spoke about her past, all that he knew was that her mother had died from breast cancer when she was twelve and her father had a heart attack and died when she was twenty. Sawyer gave her away at their wedding.
Jordan realized that he’d never considered the possibility that Ani loved someone else, someone who was walking around in the world with her name tattooed on his neck in a heart tangled in thorns, someone who apparently had finally come back to claim her. He realized that he’d never considered it because he couldn’t imagine having her and ever letting her go.
“Raffi!” Ani exclaimed in joy as Jordan and Raffi walked into the kitchen. “I missed you,” she whispered, hugging her daughter close.
“Me too,” Raffi mumbled against her mother’s apron.
“Cranberries?” Jordan asked Ani as he walked over to her, sniffing the air. It was a game they used to play when they were first dating and Jordan would try to guess what Ani was baking by the smells coming out of the oven.
“Currants,” she replied softly. “I’m making my mother’s hot cross buns.”
“Ahh, the ones with the white glaze?” Jordan asked with a gleam in his eye.
“Yes,” Ani laughed, her eyes softening as she stared at her husband. “Can we talk later?” she asked, “after I close the bakery?”
“I would love to talk to you,” Jordan replied hoarsely, reaching out a hand to brush powdered sugar off of Ani’s nose.
“Sebastian!” Jordan suddenly heard Sawyer exclaim in surprise, and he dropped his finger from his wife’s f
ace and slowly turned around to face the stranger in the doorway. Ani stilled behind him and Jordan could feel the tension radiating from her body and crackling in the air around them.
“Why do I feel like you’re the answer to all the secrets in my wife’s eyes?” Jordan heard himself ask as he stared at the tall muscular, tattooed man standing before him. Ani’s Irish name stared back at Jordan from the base of Sebastian’s neck and he stared transfixed at the two teardrops beneath Sebastian’s right eye.
“My mom’s making hot cross buns,” Raffi announced, breaking the silence.
“I love your mum’s hot cross buns,” Sebastian replied, his eyes holding Jordan’s piercing gaze.
“Of course you do,” Jordan replied, leaning back against the counter next to Ani. “What else do you love about my wife?” he asked Sebastian quietly.
“Jordan, don’t do this,” Ani begged. “Not here, not now, not in front of Raffi.”
“God Ani, this is the reason for the haunted look in your eyes?” Jordan yelled angrily, gesturing over to Sebastian with his hands in disgust. “You’ve been pining away for an old lover? Some ex-con covered with prison tattoos? Do you even know what those teardrops stand for?” Jordan yelled. “It means he’s killed someone for God’s sake! It means he’s proud and wants the world to know about it. I did my residency in an inner city hospital remember? I’ve seen hundreds of prison tattoos. I’ve treated hundreds of cons like your boyfriend, and I’ve worked to save the lives of the people they’ve killed. I’ve spent hours taking out bullet fragments embedded in children’s brains because of people like him,” Jordan yelled, his face heating up with his rage.
“Jordan stop,” Sawyer moaned. “You don’t understand.”
“How could I possibly understand?” Jordan choked out as he whirled around to face Ani who was white as a sheet and looked like she was about to faint. “How could I understand anything when Ani has lied to me for the last ten years?” Jordan whispered. “Have you been fucking him all this time?” he asked quietly, oblivious to the horror on his daughter’s face as she stood next to her mother blinking back tears. “Is that why you’ve been so sad Ani? Because you’ve had to come back to me at night when you’d rather be in your lover’s arms?”