by Ariel Ellman
“I broke Jordan’s heart,” Ani whispered to her sister.
“Yes,” Sawyer agreed quietly, her eyes wet with tears, “but if you don’t love him, it’s the right thing to do.”
“I do love him Soy, but I love Bast more,” Ani confessed honestly.
“I know A,” Sawyer sighed in defeat, hugging her sister tightly. “It’s always been Sebastian. But do you even know him anymore? He was a seventeen-year old kid when you last saw him, and he’s spent the last fifteen years in prison. How do you know you love the man he is now?”
“I just do,” Ani replied simply. “He’s still Bast, just with fifteen years of baggage added on.”
“But Ani,” Sawyer whispered helplessly, “You knew Bast when you were kids, you know nothing about the last fifteen years of his life. You’ve been married to Jordan for the last nine years!”
“I know Soy, and I can’t really explain it, but Bast is a part of my soul,” Ani replied softly. “I haven’t seen or talked to him for fifteen years but I still feel like I’ve known him my whole life.”
“You’ve been waiting for him your entire life A,” Sawyer murmured, “are you sure you’re not confusing the two?”
“Oh Sawyer,” Ani sighed, gathering her sister into her arms. “If only you weren’t a lesbian, you could have married Jordan.”
“He’s been like a father to me A,” Sawyer confessed, finally breaking down and weeping into her sister’s arms. “I was only sixteen when dad died and you were still such a wreck over Bast, trying to hold it all together, catering day and night to support us so I could finish school, and it was so hard. It was so hard and I was so scared all the time, and then Jordan came into our lives and he was so wonderful. He helped me with my career and he took care of you so I didn’t have to worry anymore and it was a relief,” Sawyer admitted. “It was a relief to have this brilliant, kind, self-assured older man to lean on. Dad checked out after mom died and then he followed her to her grave eight years later. Jordan’s been the father I’ve never had and I love him.”
“I know you do Soy,” Ani murmured, “and he loves you too. He’s always said that you’re like a second daughter to him. He calls you and Raffi his girls. He’s so proud of your career in sports massage and he’s loved watching you grow into the woman you are today. You’re not going to lose him Soy, he loves you like he loves Raffi,” Ani promised her sister, holding her against her chest while she wept.
“It’s not that A,” Sawyer whispered, lifting a tear-streaked face up to her sister. “I’m heartbroken for him. I feel like my parents are getting a divorce and my father is all alone.”
“Oh my God, Raffi,” Ani breathed as Sawyer’s words finally sunk in. “This is going to kill Raffi.” She choked back a sudden onslaught of tears.
“I know you love Bast,” Sawyer replied through her tears, “but all that Raffi and I see is the father who we love and who loves you, and it is devastating to see him broken like this.”
“Have you spoken to Raffi about it?” Ani asked her sister sorrowfully.
“A little,” Sawyer admitted.
“What did she say?” Ani whispered, thinking about her beautiful, tender little girl crying for her father.
“Nothing. It’s all in her eyes A, it’s all in her eyes. Those Mackenzie eyes…..” Sawyer echoed Jordan’s last words to her.
Ani was torn about staying with Sawyer, but she had promised Sebastian that she would come back, and she needed to feel his arms around her and his lips on her body. She needed to see him and touch him and know that she’d made the right decision, know that she hadn’t just broken her husband’s heart for nothing.
Sebastian was cooking when Ani arrived back at his apartment, and the smells of the spices in the air reminded her yet again that she still hadn’t eaten today.
“Hey,” she called, pushing the door open and poking her head inside.
“You came back,” Sebastian murmured, walking over to Ani and drawing her into his arms.
“We’re going to fall asleep beside each other and wake up together in the morning,” Ani whispered back, pressing her lips to Sebastian’s throat and kissing her name gently.
“I made dinner,” Sebastian offered, taking Ani’s hand and leading her over to the built-in table and bench beside the kitchen.
“It smells yummy,” Ani replied, inhaling the scent of curry, garlic and onions as they squeezed in next to each other on the bench.
“I’ve been discovering that I love spices,” Sebastian confided as he spooned a stew-like mixture of curried chicken and vegetables over a bowl of fragrant rice. “No flavor in prison food,” he said with a wry smile.
“Hmmm, this is delicious.” Ani savored the warm flavorful food in appreciation. “What else are you discovering about yourself?” she asked softly as they dug into their food.
“Sex is even better than I remembered,” Sebastian replied with a grin.
“Please, fifteen years without sex? A blow up doll would feel like heaven to you now,” Ani teased.
“Only if it smelled like lemon bars and moaned like you,” Sebastian replied huskily, entwining Ani’s fingers with his own.
“That’s all you need?” Ani laughed, “a squeeze of lemon and a little moan?”
Sebastian’s eyes darkened with desire at Ani’s teasing words and he pushed her plate away from her and leaned in to capture her lips between his teeth.
“Hey, I’m hungry,” Ani protested against Sebastian’s mouth with a laugh.
“I’ll feed you,” Sebastian whispered, picking up a piece of dripping chicken with his fingers and sliding it into Ani’s mouth. Ani sucked Sebastian’s finger into her mouth and licked the dripping juices as he fed her.
“More,” Ani whispered, twisting around and lifting herself up onto the table until she was sitting in front of Sebastian with her legs in his lap.
Sebastian dipped his fingers into the dish of chicken and rubbed the dripping sauce across Ani’s bottom lip as he slipped his thumb under her teeth, rubbing the taste of curry on the roof of her mouth.
“I’ll never be able to taste curry again without thinking about you in my mouth,” Ani moaned, throwing her head back as Sebastian continued to drip sauce onto her lips.
“Still want to eat?” Sebastian breathed, pushing the bowl aside and laying Ani down onto the table.
“Yes. You,” Ani moaned in reply, reaching for Sebastian and pulling him toward her.
“You want to know what I dreamed of in prison when I had my hand wrapped around my dick?” Sebastian whispered, unbuttoning his jeans and pulling Ani up toward him.
“Yes,” Ani breathed, reaching forward and pulling Sebastian out of his jeans.
“I closed my eyes and imagined your hands on me instead of my own,” Sebastian whispered, wrapping his hands around Ani’s as she stroked him. I imagined you tasting me.” Sebastian rubbed his fingers across the tip of himself and wet them with the beads of pre-come that oozed out. “I imagined this,” Sebastian murmured, bringing his sticky fingers up to Ani’s mouth and rubbing them against her lips.
“I missed the taste of you,” Ani moaned, licking the salty residue on her lips and bringing her face down to run her tongue across the tip of Sebastian’s leaking cock.
“But you know what I dreamed of the most?” Sebastian moaned as Ani took him in her mouth.
“What?” Ani breathed, lifting her head up to stare into Sebastian’s piercing eyes.
“Being inside you,” Sebastian confessed, pushing Ani back down onto the table and spreading her legs open as he peeled off her jeans. “I yearned to sink myself inside you.” He slid a finger into Ani, stretching her open for him.
“Please,” Ani begged, pulling Sebastian down on top of her.
“I remember our first time like it was yesterday,” Sebastian murmured, sliding his finger out of Ani and thrusting inside her with a groan. “You were so tight and wet, so sweet.” He traced the hickeys down Ani’s body with his tongue.
“You sme
lled like the sea,” Ani whispered back, closing her eyes and losing herself in the memory of Sebastian’s body pressed against hers, losing herself in the sensation of his body on her now.
Chapter Eleven
“Good morning,” Sebastian whispered as Ani opened her eyes and stared back at him.
“We fell asleep at each other’s side and woke up together in the morning,” Ani murmured in wonder.
“We did,” Sebastian agreed, brushing the hair away from Ani’s eyes.
“It’s Sunday,” Ani suddenly realized as she looked around at the light-filled apartment.
“Yes,” Sebastian replied, raising an eyebrow at Ani in question.
“The bakery is closed on Sundays,” she whispered. “It’s the only day I don’t bake, it’s the only day I sleep in.”
“Okay,” Sebastian replied cautiously, taking in Ani’s grief-stricken face and the tears that began to spill out of her eyes.
“It’s family day,” she whispered. “It’s when we all sleep late and then go out for brunch.”
“Are you crying for Raffi or Jordan?” Sebastian asked quietly, trailing his fingers through Ani’s tears and across her lips.
“I’m crying for all of us,” Ani confessed with a sob.
“We’re going to figure this out A,” Sebastian promised, pulling her on top of him and hugging her to his chest tightly.
“I know,” Ani wept, “but it’s going to be so hard. It’s going to be so hard Bast.” She suddenly missed Raffi so much that her heart felt like it was going to explode. “I have to go pick Raffi up from her grandparents’ house,” Ani suddenly choked, pulling out of Sebastian’s arms and jumping out of bed. “I have to go to her.”
“I know,” Sebastian replied quietly, staring at Ani with an unreadable expression on his face.
Ani quickly dressed in yesterday’s clothing, stuffing her underwear in her pocket like she was a teenager doing the walk of shame the morning after. She drove straight to the brownstone, running up the steps and starting to unlock the door before she realized that it wasn’t really her house anymore, that she didn’t have the right to barge in unannounced. Ani paused with her keys in her hand, wondering if she should knock or turn around and go to Sawyer’s to borrow a change of clothes before she picked up her daughter.
“Ani?” Jordan called out behind her as he walked up the steps with a cup of coffee from the corner café in his hand.
“I didn’t know if I should go in or knock,” Ani admitted helplessly.
“It’s still your home,” Jordan replied quietly, stepping past Ani and opening the door. “But I guess we should talk about the living arrangements.” He walked inside, holding the door open for Ani to follow him in.
“Thank you,” Ani whispered, swallowing back the lump in her throat as she followed Jordan inside and into the kitchen. It was so hard to look at him standing in their kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hand. He was so familiar, so beautiful. He looked so much like Raffi that Ani thought her heart would break as she took in his swollen eyes and rumbled hair. She longed to reach out a hand and push his hair out of his eyes, to smooth away the sorrow that was etched into his face.
“Have you talked to your parents about what time we should pick Raffi up this morning?” Ani asked instead, sinking down onto a kitchen stool and tracing her fingers across the granite countertop.
“They’re taking her out to brunch now, so I told them I’d pick her up in a couple of hours,” Jordan replied quietly.
“Jordan, I handled everything horribly,” Ani admitted, raising her eyes up to face her husband. “I behaved like a selfish child, and when I woke up this morning and realized it was Sunday-” Ani’s voice broke as she choked on a sob.
“What are you saying?” Jordan asked hoarsely, his eyes naked with anguish.
“I’m saying I never meant to run away last night,” Ani confessed, staring at her husband helplessly. “I meant to talk everything through with you, to talk about Raffi, to figure everything out.”
“To figure everything out with Raffi?” Jordan clarified quietly, “not us?” he confirmed with a whisper as he held Ani’s stricken gaze across the counter.
“Jordan, I don’t know what to say,” Ani choked, lowering her head into her hands. “If I could cut myself in half I would.”
“But you can’t, and yet you’re not sitting in front of Sebastian having this conversation are you?” Jordan asked hoarsely, his red eyes dry with exhaustion and grief. “You don’t have to cut yourself in half to be with him do you?” He sank down onto the kitchen stool in defeat. “I can’t keep doing this Ani. I feel like part of me has been chasing you for years, begging you to love me without reservation, and yet here you are, able to give yourself wholly to someone else.”
Ani stared across the table at her husband in devastated silence.
“That’s not true,” Ani whispered in horror. “You want to know the truth Jordan? The truth is that I love both of you. I want both of you,” Ani confessed the words that she hadn’t had the courage to admit to Sebastian. “My heart has ached for Sebastian for fifteen years, but I’ve wanted you every minute of the last ten. I feel an emptiness in my soul without you and Raffi by my side, the two of you are intertwined in my heart.” Ani’s blue eyes bored into Jordan’s. “I’ve always known that I’ve loved both you and Sebastian, and when he wasn’t here I could have you both in my heart. But he’s here now and I had to choose,” Ani wept softly. “I couldn’t have both of you and I had to choose.”
“And so you chose him - a man who you don’t even know, a man who isn’t the boy that you knew fifteen years ago - over me, your husband and the father of your child,” Jordan stated quietly. “I’ve thought about it all night since you left Ani. I’ve thought of nothing else since you told me your secrets, and you know what I can’t wrap my head around?” he asked hoarsely. “I can’t figure out how you could possibly love me, how you could have ever loved me and just walk away into a stranger’s arms.”
“He’s not a stranger,” Ani argued helplessly, “and he was the father of my child too!”
“No,” Jordan yelled back. “You lost the pregnancy before he ever had the chance to be a father to your child, and you were just children yourselves. God Ani, maybe this is my fault,” Jordan sighed, shrugging his shoulders helplessly. “I pursued you knowing you were too young for me, not caring that I was fifteen years older than you, not caring that your eyes were full of secrets and your heart was guarded. The thing was, I loved you instantly. I loved everything about you, even your secrets, did you know that?”
“Jordan,” Ani murmured, standing up and crossing the kitchen. “I won’t let you take responsibility for my mistakes.” She slipped her arms around his shaking body and pressed her face into his warm chest. “I should have told you about Sebastian from the very beginning,” she admitted. “At least then you would have known what you were getting into with me and you would have had a choice. I was wrong to never give you the choice to let me go.”
“There wouldn’t have been a choice.” Jordan pressed Ani against him tightly. “I would have snatched you up any way I could have had you, don’t you understand?” Jordan murmured softly against Ani’s neck.
Ani had nothing to say in response as Jordan held her in his arms, their tears soaking each other. She understood perfectly, it was why she had never been able to let Sebastian go. When you love someone with your whole soul, it’s simply not possible to ever let that person go, even when you know you should.
“We need to talk about Raffi,” Ani said, pulling out of Jordan’s arms.
“This is her home. I’m not going to uproot her Ani,” Jordan replied, his dark eyes serious.
“I don’t want to either,” Ani agreed softly.
“Are you moving in with Sebastian?” Jordan murmured, his eyes filled with pain at the thought.
“No! Of course not!” Ani exclaimed. “I’m staying with Raffi.”
“So you want me to move out?�
�� Jordan asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No,” Ani replied hopelessly.
“Well, if you’re going to be sleeping with another man, one of us has to go Ani,” Jordan choked out.
“I know,” Ani moaned, lowering her face into her hands. “I just don’t know what to do. I guess I could get an apartment close by and Raffi could split her time between us,” she offered quietly when Jordan didn’t reply.
“Okay,” Jordan agreed, his face unreadable as he stared back at Ani. “I just want to be clear about something going forward Ani. Raffi is not allowed to be alone with Sebastian ever, and I don’t want her staying overnight with you if Sebastian is there.”
“Okay.” Ani’s eyes widened at Jordan’s words. “I would never put Raffi in any danger Jordan, you have to know that,” she assured him, paling at the thought.
“I don’t know that,” Jordan disagreed. “You’re entering into a relationship with someone who you haven’t seen or talked to for fifteen years, someone who has spent those years in prison, and you haven’t even considered that he might not be the same person who you knew as a child. Forgive me if I don’t completely trust your perspective or judgment on this subject right now.” Jordan’s eyes flashed with anger.
“Jordan, you have to know that I would protect Raffi with my life. She’s our daughter,” Ani gasped in despair.
“That’s right Ani, she’s our daughter,” Jordan agreed pointedly, “and it’s my job to protect her too.”
“Okay.” Ani threw her hands up helplessly. “I’ll guard her from Sebastian, who is about as harmless as a newborn kitten,” she yelled back, her own eyes flashing back with anger.
“A newborn kitten who threatened to kill me if I touched my own wife,” Jordan retorted.
“Jordan, stop it!” Ani declared helplessly. “He was protecting me. He thought you were going to hurt me, he doesn’t know you.”
“Nor I him,” Jordan agreed, staring back at Ani unwaveringly.
“I understand,” Ani agreed softly in defeat. “I understand.”
“Do you Ani?” Jordan asked his wife quietly. “Because no matter how much I still love you, no matter how much I’m trying to understand and work with you on this whole thing, I will always put Raffi before you, myself, and everyone else in the world.”