by Ariel Ellman
“Oh my God Ani, sometimes you’re straight out of a Thomas Hardy novel,” Sawyer sighed in resignation, reaching out a hand to wipe away the tears that were slipping out of her sister’s eyes. “You win, ok? I’m on your side. I love Jordan, but I get it, I really do. I get that fate has destined you and Sebastian to be together. But don’t ever forget that Raffi came from Jordan, and you wouldn’t have her without him,” Sawyer reminded her sister as Raffi walked over to them and climbed in the car
“How was your violin lesson?” Ani asked her daughter, kissing her hello and smoothing her bangs away from her face.
“Good.” Raffi was looking down at her phone and typing away in response to a text. “Caroline texted that daddy is still in surgery,” she looked up at her mother in concern.
“Ok,” Ani replied, pulling over and putting the car in park as she noted the concern in her daughter’s voice. It wasn’t unusual for Jordan’s surgeries to run over, nor was it strange for his assistant Caroline to let them know, especially if Raffi had called his office or tried to reach Jordan on his cell phone. “What’s wrong sweetheart?”
“I just don’t know how all of this is supposed to work,” Raffi gulped. “What do I do if I’m supposed to be with daddy and he’s still at work? Where do I go?”
“Oh Raffi,” Ani breathed, turning around and pulling her daughter out of her seat and into her arms. “Nothing has changed, do you understand me? Nothing.” Ani pressed her lips into her daughter’s hair. “I’ll be with you every day just like I always am. I will pick you up from school after violin and I’ll be waiting at the bakery on the days you don’t have your lesson. You’ll sleep at home with daddy on some nights and some nights you’ll stay with me, but no matter what, I’m here for you every minute just like I always am. If you have plans with daddy and his surgery runs over, it will be just like usual when he’s late to come home. We’ll eat dinner without him and you’ll see him when he gets home. Okay?”
“Okay,” Raffi whispered, blinking back tears. “Will I wait at home or with you? I still don’t totally understand how it’s all going to work.”
“Well, first of all, you’re going to have two homes,” Ani began, glancing at Sawyer for help.
“We found an amazing apartment today, and guess who is going to move in with you guys?” Sawyer chimed in, leaning over and hugging her niece and sister.
“You?” Raffi asked hopefully, still blinking back tears.
“Yes!” Ani exclaimed. “Won’t it be great to have Aunt Sawyer with us? And you’ll wait for daddy wherever you want if he’s late to pick you up. Both places will be your home, and if you want to wait for daddy at the brownstone tonight or any night, I’ll wait there with you,” Ani promised, glancing down at her own phone. “Caroline says that daddy should be out of surgery in a couple of hours, so why don’t we go back home and wait for him?” Ani suggested gently, opening her arms so Raffi could crawl back into the back seat and buckle up.
“Home, home, or home to Aunt Sawyer’s?” Raffi asked, still looking confused.
“Home, home,” Ani replied with a lump in her throat as she gazed at her daughter’s sad face in the rearview mirror.
“Okay, that sounds good,” Raffi replied softly, slipping her head phones into her ears and turning her ipod on.
“She’s going to be ok,” Sawyer mouthed to Ani when Ani’s eyes began to fill with tears.
“I know,” Ani choked, pulling the car away from the curb and driving them back to Sawyer’s place to drop her off.
“So how much homework do you have?” Ani asked Raffi after they got back to the brownstone and were relaxing in the kitchen with an after school snack.
“I have a new book report,” Raffi announced, wrinkling her nose in distaste as she reached for a cheese and tomato sandwich from the plate of tea sandwiches that Ani had made for her.
“Why the face?” Ani slid a bowl of grapes over to her daughter. “You love to read.”
“Yeah but this is a mystery book report,” Raffi complained with a sigh, “and I’ve read all the Nancy Drew books already.”
“Hmmm,” Ani studied her daughter thoughtfully. “I bet I have some mysteries that you’ve never read.” She hopped up off of the kitchen stool. “Follow me,” she instructed Raffi, heading out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
“Oooh are we going into the attic?” Raffi asked excitedly. Raffi loved the attic; it resembled an antique store and was filled with a lifetime of Jordan’s family heirlooms. Jordan was from an old wealthy Boston family, the brownstone had been in his family for generations, and most of the attic contents had been there for just as long.
Ani weaved her way through the rolled up rugs, old paintings and furniture, until she came to a large old-fashioned trunk that was tucked into the corner.
“This trunk was my great grandmother’s,” she confided, brushing the dust off of the top and lifting it open. “She sent it to my mother after my mother fell in love with my father and refused to return home to Ireland. My granny wanted my mum to have a piece of home with her in America.”
“What did she put in it?” Raffi asked curiously, peering inside.
“A little bit of everything,” Ani answered softly, pulling out a carefully folded hand crocheted lace tablecloth and a faded book of handwritten recipes.
“Here is what I was looking for,” Ani announced with a smile as she pulled out a stack of old children’s books. “Island of Ghosts!” she announced with a flourish, handing a book over to her daughter. “These were my mother’s books from her childhood and I loved reading them when I was your age.” Ani passed the rest of them over to her daughter.
“Some of these are in Gaelic,” Raffi replied, opening one of them and turning the pages with interest.
“Irish,” Ani corrected her daughter with a gentle smile. “My mother always said the language of Ireland was called Irish.”
“Can you read it?” Raffi asked, trailing her fingers across the unfamiliar words.
“Only a little,” Ani confessed regretfully. “We took a class on Sundays after Mass, but I don’t remember much.”
“Can we go back to your old neighborhood and visit Father O’Brien again sometime?” Raffi asked suddenly, referring to Ani’s childhood priest who had christened Raffi in Ani’s old church, much to the horror of Jordan’s protestant Boston society parents.
It was the only time that Ani had brought Jordan to her old neighborhood and her childhood church, and she’d insisted that the christening be simple, just the two of them. Father O’Brien had held Ani’s eyes as he murmured Raphael’s name and poured the water over Raffi’s head, and his eyes were moist when he handed Raffi back to Ani.
Ani had only brought Raffi back to her old church once since her christening, in a moment of weakness two years ago when Jordan was away at a medical conference. They’d slipped into a back pew during Sunday Mass and Ani brought Raffi up to meet the priest who had christened her after the service was over.
“Yes,” Ani murmured softly, hugging Raffi to her.
While Raffi curled up on the couch in the den with the book that her mother gave her, Ani rifled through the cupboards and fridge, searching for something to make for dinner. The house was still pretty well stocked from the grocery shopping that Ani had done last week, and she began to pull out carrots, canned tomatoes, cream, and ground beef for a Bolognese sauce. Everything was so familiar and felt so right as Ani made her way around the kitchen assembling dinner, it was hard for her to believe that this wasn’t her home anymore.
“Smells good,” a quiet voice said from the doorway of the kitchen as Ani was just draining the spinach linguini.
“Jordan, I didn’t hear you come in,” Ani startled, as she lowered the pot into the sink.
“You made dinner,” Jordan observed, gazing at Ani with an unreadable expression.
“Raffi wanted to wait for you at home and I know how exhausted you are when you come out of a long surgery,” Ani’s voice trail
ed off awkwardly as Jordan continued to stand in the doorway staring at her.
“I lost the patient,” Jordan murmured, finally walking into the kitchen and sinking down onto a stool.
“Oh Jordan,” Ani exclaimed sorrowfully. “I’m so sorry.” She gazed across the kitchen island at her husband helplessly. Ani longed to walk over to Jordan and wrap her arms around him comfortingly, but every fiber in her body warned her not too.
“He was only six,” Jordan whispered, staring across the kitchen at Ani in anguish.
“I know you did everything you could for him.” Ani gripped the kitchen island to stop herself from going over to Jordan.
“It doesn’t matter though does it?” Jordan replied hoarsely. “It doesn’t matter how hard I tried to save him if he died in the end.”
“It matters because of all the lives that you do save every day,” Ani countered gently.
“I can’t bear to have you here Ani,” Jordan confessed, staring at Ani miserably, his eyes red-rimmed with exhaustion and grief. “And after a day like today, to come home and find you cooking in the kitchen, knowing that you’re going to leave afterward, that you’re not mine anymore, I just can’t do it.” Jordan lowered his head down to the counter in defeat.
“I’m sorry,” Ani choked. “I was just trying to help.”
“We have to figure something else out, some other way of dealing with our situation,” Jordan murmured, raising wet eyes up to meet Ani’s white face.
“I understand,” Ani whispered back softly, her own eyes filling with tears. “Just tell me what you want me to do.”
“I just don’t think I can bear to have you here in our house anymore. It’s just too soon; it’s too raw. When I see you here in our house my heart breaks into a thousand pieces. And after a day like today, all I want to do right now is bury myself inside you and feel your warm breath against my face,” Jordan confessed hoarsely.
“Oh Jordan,” Ani wept, staring at her husband across the kitchen with tears streaming down her face.
“When I look at you standing in our kitchen cooking dinner for me, I feel like I’ll never be able to let you go,” Jordan admitted helplessly. “I feel like I’ll never get over you and I know that I have to.”
“I won’t come over. We’ll figure it out,” Ani choked, grabbing her keys and backing out of the kitchen and away from Jordan as she felt her own heart shatter inside her.
Chapter Fifteen
Ani drove to the loft straight from the brownstone, knowing that she couldn’t face Sebastian or Sawyer after her encounter with Jordan. She’d barely been able to call out a good-bye to Raffi without completely falling apart. Bobby had given her and Sawyer the keys when they signed the lease earlier that day, and as Ani opened the door, she stepped into the quiet space in relief. She wandered around the wide- open room, running her hands over the deep windowsills, staring out into the dark street.
Ani had ached for Sebastian for so long, had let herself become consumed by their tragedy, that she hadn’t even considered how it would feel to give up Jordan, her husband and the father of her daughter. The sight of him staring at her grief-stricken in the kitchen was like a knife in her heart.
“Oh Jordan, I’m so sorry,” Ani murmured to herself, wrapping her arms around her shaking body and sinking down onto the floor of the loft. She sat huddled on the floor for over an hour when her phone rang and startled her out of her trance.
“Hey,” Sebastian’s voice said quietly in her ear.
“Hey,” Ani murmured back hoarsely.
“Just checking in. How was your day?”
“Fine,” Ani replied in a whisper.
“You don’t sound too fine,” Sebastian replied mildly. “Is Raffi with you?”
“No, she’s with Jordan tonight.” Ani rubbed a hand across her salty tear stained face.
“Oh,” Sebastian replied, letting the unspoken question of why Ani hadn’t come over settle between them. “You with Sawyer?” He tried to pry a clue to Ani’s mood out of her.
“No,” Ani murmured, leaning her head against the wall and closing her eyes.
“What happened A?” Sebastian sighed softly.
“Everything,” Ani whispered, hanging up the phone before Sebastian could reply and turning it off.
Sometime later, Ani heard footsteps at the door, and as it swung open and Sebastian stepped inside, she vaguely realized that she’d never locked the door behind her when she’d arrived.
“Nice place,” Sebastian murmured, glancing down at Ani on the floor and swinging his gaze around the loft.
“Sawyer told you I’d be here,” Ani guessed, looking up at Sebastian in the shadowy darkness.
“No electricity yet?” He flipped a light switch ineffectually.
“We just signed the lease this afternoon.” Ani stared at Sebastian’s unreadable face in the light that streamed in from the windows.
“You know what the hardest part of being in prison really was A?” Sebastian asked Ani, sinking down onto the floor beside her and resting his head against the wall next to hers.
“You told me it was time,” Ani murmured, turning her face to the side to stare at Sebastian beside her.
“Being powerless,” Sebastian whispered back, reaching a finger out and trailing it across Ani’s face. “Having my fate in someone else’s hands every minute of the day.” He entwined a strand of Ani’s hair around his finger tenderly. “Don’t hang up on me A. Don’t disappear.”
“I’m sorry,” Ani apologized weakly.
“If you want to be alone, just tell me you’re okay so I don’t worry about you,” Sebastian whispered. “For fifteen years all that I did was worry about you. I worried about you out here all alone, knowing that I was powerless to protect you, to help you.”
“Bast, I’m sorry,” Ani whispered, pressing her face against his. “I don’t know how to handle any of this.”
“Just don’t disappear into yourself,” Sebastian replied softly, pulling Ani into his lap.
“What do you think of my new apartment?” Ani hiccupped.
“It’s beautiful.” Sebastian gazed around the shadowy space. “I bet the light is incredible during the day,” he murmured, taking in the windows and high ceilings of the loft.
“It is,” Ani confirmed. “We just need to put up some walls to make some bedrooms for Sawyer, Raffi, and I.”
“I’ll build your walls,” Sebastian murmured into Ani’s hair, trailing his fingers across her neck and over her collarbone.
“Will you paint a mural for Raffi’s room?” Ani leaned her head back against Sebastian’s neck, giving herself into his touch.
“I’ll paint a sea as blue as her eyes, a forest as green as the meadows in Ireland, and an Irish harp to make her heart sing,” Sebastian promised quietly, turning Ani around in his lap and trailing kisses down her neck.
“You smell like the sea,” Ani sighed in contentment as Sebastian slipped her dress over her head and she buried her face in his chest.
“You smell like heaven,” Sebastian whispered back, reaching between them and stroking Ani as he slid deep inside her. “When I’m inside you I feel like I’ve finally come home,” Sebastian murmured against Ani’s neck as he kissed his way down to her breasts.
“You have,” Ani replied with a gasp as Sebastian sucked her taut nipple into his mouth.
“Tell me what you want,” Sebastian murmured, blowing on Ani’s nipples and lifting her legs up around his shoulders. “Tell me what drives you crazy,” he whispered, thrusting deep inside her.
“When you rub me,” Ani moaned against Sebastian, pulling his hand back down between them.
“Like this?” he whispered, licking his finger and softly stroking her trembling clit.
“Yes,” Ani breathed, closing her eyes.
“Open your eyes,” Sebastian demanded, thrusting into Ani as he stroked her. “I want to see you,” he murmured huskily against her lips.
“Sebastian,” Ani gasped against him
, holding his gaze as she gave into the waves that shook her body and clung to him as he thrust inside her with a final groan.
“God you’re so beautiful,” Sebastian sighed, collapsing on top of Ani and wrapping his arms around her. “Mo chuid den tsaol, you are everything to me,” he whispered.
“Mo ghrá thú,” Ani murmured back. “I haven’t heard Irish in so long,” she whispered, burying her face into Sebastian’s neck. “I remember when you used to speak it to me when we were kids, especially after you came home from visiting your grandparents in Ireland.”
“I studied it in prison,” Sebastian confided. “I didn’t want to lose it.”
“Really?” Ani asked, lifting her face up to stare into Sebastian’s eyes. “Say something else,” she coaxed.
“Tá tú iontach álainn, a rún mo chroí,” he murmured, trailing his fingers lightly across Ani’s face. “You are amazingly beautiful, beloved secret of my heart,” Sebastian translated, brushing his lips across Ani’s eyes.
They spent the night wrapped around each other on the floor of the loft with Sebastian’s hoody draped over them, and they awoke to the rising sun streaming in the windows and filling the apartment with its beautiful soft light.
“Oh my God, what time is it?” Ani murmured against Sebastian when she noticed the sun shining through the windows.
“Five a.m.,” Sebastian murmured sleepily against Ani’s neck after he glanced at his phone.
“I have to get to the bakery!” Ani pushed Sebastian away and stretched out her cramped limbs. “I hope Soy came in!” she moaned, reaching for her clothes.
“My dad will be pulling out without me right now,” Sebastian admitted with a rueful grin, reaching out an arm to drag Ani back down to the floor. “Just one kiss,” he coaxed with a devilish grin.
“No way!” Ani exclaimed, swatting Sebastian away as she quickly dressed and ran out the door.
“Soy?” Ani called as she poked her head in the open back door of the bakery a few minutes later.