by Ariel Ellman
“Yes,” Raffi gulped, ducking her head back down and burying it against Ani’s chest.
“Okay, no problem,” Ani murmured gently. “Why don’t you go wash your face and change into your pjs while your dad and I talk for a minute.”
“Okay,” Raffi agreed, walking across the room to the staircase that led up to her bedroom.
Jordan followed his daughter with his eyes, taking in the Raphael mural that stretched across the wall of her loft bedroom.
“I always forget how riveting that mural is,” Jordan murmured to Ani as he turned away from his daughter and faced his wife.
“’lo Jordan!” Siobhan called out, coming out of Sawyer’s bedroom in a g-string and camisole that barely covered her nipples.
“Oh please,” Ani muttered under her breath as Jordan rose up to hug Siobhan.
“How are you?” he asked Sawyer’s girlfriend warmly.
“Oh grand,” Siobhan replied airily. “Yourself?” She plopped down on the couch beside Ani and stretched out her long legs across the coffee table as if she were fully clothed and prepared to hang out for the night and chat over coffee.
“Actually Siobhan, Jordan and I need to discuss something regarding Raffi, so if you wouldn’t mind giving us a minute….” Ani said, her voice trailing off pointedly.
“Och, a course,” Siobhan replied, rising up and stretching her long limbs liberally so that everyone in the room got a complete view of her almost completely nude body. “Ah Jaysus, I could eat a nun’s cunt through a convent gate anyways,” she said, running a hand over her completely flat stomach and walking off toward the kitchen. “Sawyer dragged me away earlier without feeding me.”
Sebastian, to his credit, kept his eyes averted the whole time, but Jordan’s eyes swept over Siobhan’s body in appreciation, and he grinned at Ani.
“Oh c’mon Ani,” he laughed when she made a face at him across the coffee table.
“Give me a fucking break,” Ani replied, rolling her eyes, and Jordan suddenly burst out laughing.
“It’s like the Brazilian nanny all over again,” he gasped with a grin. “Except this time you’re stuck with her.”
“It is!” Ani laughed with him in exasperation, “I’m going to fucking kill Sawyer for this one!”
“What was her name? Do you remember?” Jordan asked Ani, referring to the nineteen- year old drop dead gorgeous Brazilian nanny his mother had sent them after Raffi was born.
“Of course I remember,” Ani replied, wrinkling her nose at Jordan. “It was Isabel, and I almost killed your mother after I sent her away.”
“I told Soy Siobhan’s too young for her, but I think Sawyer is only thinking with one part of her body right now,” Jordan grinned at Ani.
“Oh please, my sister is such a pig,” Ani replied with another eye roll. “Did she tell you to fuck off?”
“She said I should talk,” Jordan admitted with a sheepish smile. “And then she pointed out that at least Siobhan is only six years younger than her, not fifteen.”
“Touché,” Ani said softly, sharing a nostalgic smile with Jordan.
“Mommy?” Raffi called, walking over to them in her pj’s. “Can I go watch TV in your bed while you and daddy talk?”
“Of course baby, just give Bast a minute to set it up for you,” Ani replied, glancing over to see if Sebastian was still in the room. She was startled to see his eyes on her, and she realized that he had been watching her and Jordan from across the room. She called out to him, asking him to make sure the TV was set up for Raffi, and he knew she was really asking him to make sure the bed was made and there were no traces of the hot sex they’d had earlier in the day lying around.
“Of course,” he called back and headed over to their room to tidy it up for Raffi.
“Good night daddy,” Raffi said softly, hugging Jordan before she turned around and walked over to the kitchen to talk to Sawyer and Siobhan who were eating leftover Chinese food out of cartons.
“The only difference between my sister and a guy is that she doesn’t leave the toilet seat up,” Ani said, shaking her head in disgust at Sawyer as she drooled all over Siobhan across the kitchen island. “And it’s totally inappropriate for Siobhan to be dressed like that in front of Raffi,” Ani scowled. “Lesbian, my fucking ass!” Ani exclaimed as Siobhan pivoted around on her stool and called something out to Sebastian with a coy laugh as he walked back into the room.
“She seems to make Soy happy,” Jordan said mildly.
“A hooker would make Soy happy,” Ani retorted.
“Well it won’t last long, it never does,” Jordan predicted with a laugh. Jordan always said that Sawyer reminded him of his friend Nick from med school whose college nickname was hound dog. “Don’t worry, she’s a true romantic at heart,” Jordan said with a soft smile. “Soy will settle down and behave as soon as she’s done sowing her wild oats.”
“Have you been spending much time with her?” Ani asked softly.
“Sawyer?” Jordan replied. “Of course, we still have lunch every week and she calls me three times a day to deal with whatever problem has arisen, her car insurance, her broken computer whatever. She’s like a daughter to me Ani. You know that I’ll always still be there for Soy no matter what,” Jordan said softly.
“So what happened with Raffi tonight?” Ani finally asked.
“I don’t really know,” Jordan admitted quietly. “She seemed fine when I took her to camp on Friday and she was a little quiet yesterday, but we went to the movies and out for Thai food, which you know she loves, and she seemed happy. Then when we went out for brunch this morning she started to cry in the restaurant. Maybe I should have called you then,” Jordan murmured regretfully. “I thought she was just feeling emotional because it was Sunday brunch and that was always our family time.”
“Sundays are the hardest for her,” Ani agreed softly.
“Then we went home and she continued to cry off and on most of the day so I finally tried calling you around 4:00, and when I couldn’t get you, I decided to just show up. Sorry,” Jordan apologized. “I know the terms of our custody agreement specify not showing up unannounced, but when I asked her what was wrong she just kept saying that she missed you and wanted you.”
“Jordan I’m glad you brought her,” Ani murmured, leaning forward and taking his hands. “I could care less about our custody agreement. All I care about is Raffi.”
“Me too,” Jordan sighed wearily, squeezing Ani’s hands back and staring at her with his heart in his eyes. “What are we doing Ani?” he asked hoarsely.
“What do you mean?” Ani choked.
“Andy says I’m an ass for insisting on a quick divorce,” Jordan whispered. “He says that you’ll come to your senses before the year is out and I’ll be the idiot who divorced you when you would have come back in your own time.”
“Jordan,” Ani whispered, suddenly looking up to find Sebastian staring at them from across the room with an unreadable expression on his face.
“Fuck him Ani,” Jordan replied, glancing back at Sebastian. “Do you really want to throw our marriage away?” Jordan gripped Ani’s hands tightly. “I won’t sit back and wait for you while you re-live some Goddamn teenage fantasy, I can’t do that, even if you came back to me crawling on your hands and knees a year from now, I can’t do that,” Jordan choked. “But I’m asking you one more time Ani, come home to Raffi and me.” He reached up a hand and ran his fingers across Ani’s cheek.
“Jordan,” Ani began, trying to pull away from him with a stricken look.
“Ani,” Jordan murmured, pulling her back toward him and kissing her deeply.
“It seems that you and I definitely need to have a conversation,” Sebastian’s quiet voice broke in as Ani finally freed her hands from Jordan’s grasp and pulled away from his kiss with a gasp.
“Bast, leave it alone,” Ani choked.
“No fucking way,” Sebastian growled back, standing over Jordan with his hands clenched at his side. “
Out of respect for your daughter, I will not beat you to a bloody pulp in this apartment,” Sebastian spat at Jordan in a tightly controlled voice. “But I’m telling you now in front of Ani, if you ever touch her like that again or try to fucking kiss her in front of me, I will not restrain myself,” Sebastian warned in a growl.
“You think I’m fucking afraid of you? You piece of shit Southie hoodlum?” Jordan spat back, rising up and meeting Sebastian’s glowering eyes with his own. “She’s still my Goddamn wife,” Jordan hissed. “And here’s a newsflash for you buddy, Ani reached out and took my hands first not the other way around, so maybe you should ask her if she really knows what she wants instead of threatening to beat me up like some high school punk,” Jordan replied scathingly.
“And I thought we had gotten beyond this,” Sawyer sighed, walking over to them. “Listen guys, you’ve been doing a pretty good job of keeping your little pissing match quiet over here, but I think Raffi’s been upset enough for one day, and Ani looks like she’s about to have a nervous breakdown, so why don’t you guys both take a hike before Raffi overhears you or Ani faints, okay?” Sawyer murmured quietly, placing a hand on Jordan’s arm and turning him toward the door. “Sebastian grab your keys and give Jordan a five minute start out the door please. I don’t need you two walking out together and getting into a fistfight in front of our building.”
“No,” Ani interrupted, stopping everyone in their tracks. “I am so fucking sick of the two of you posturing like Goddamn peacocks around me. You want a newsflash Jordan? Sebastian isn’t some uneducated hoodlum from Southie. He was second in his fucking class with a full scholarship to BU before he went to prison, and he has two fucking masters degrees that he earned while he was in prison, so cut the pompous, elitist, waspy doctor bullshit out already!” Ani hissed, trying to keep her voice low for Raffi’s sake. “And you, caveman,” Ani said, gesturing to Sebastian. “Jordan may not have fifteen years of prison muscle and tattoos, but trust me he’s no Goddamn pussy and he will never back down or cower under your threats, so if it’s a fight you’re really looking for, he will give it to you in a heartbeat. Is that really what you want?” Ani asked Sebastian with her heart in her eyes. “Is it really going to make you feel better to get into a fistfight with him? Because it’s not going to change anything Bast, no matter how many times you hit him you’ll never be able to erase the last ten years. And you’ll never be able to erase the sixteen years that I spent with Sebastian before you Jordan,” Ani whispered, staring at both of the men in front of her in anguish. “I’m never coming back Jordan,” Ani choked. “You knew when you married me that I was an emotional mess with an unresolved past, and you have to accept my decision now. But I will always be connected to you through Raffi, and a piece of me will always love you,” Ani admitted softly. “And that’s something that you, Bast, will have to deal with whether you like it or not. You made a decision to keep me out of your life for fifteen years and this is the consequence of that decision.” Ani motioned to Jordan and herself. “For Raffi’s sake, we all have to figure out how to deal with the choices that we’ve made.” She turned away and walked to her room to be with her daughter.
Chapter Twenty-One
“I want to stay here for awhile,” Raffi whispered to her mother that night after everyone left and they were snuggled in bed together.
“You mean not switch off with daddy?” Ani asked, brushing the hair away from Raffi’s face tenderly.
“Yes,” Raffi whispered, burrowing into her mother’s chest.
“Did something happen this weekend?”Ani asked her daughter carefully.
“No,” Raffi replied, swallowing back a lump in her throat. “Erin gets to live with her mom full time and then she sees her dad on the weekends and for a few weeks during the summer and on school breaks.”
“That is one way to do it,” Ani agreed, “but don’t you think you’d miss daddy if you only saw him on weekends?”
“I miss you,” Raffi hiccupped. “Daddy didn’t know how to French braid my hair on Friday and it was braid day at camp and I was mortified. The counselor had to braid my hair after I got there and all the girls were whispering about me not living with my mother anymore,” Raffi choked, finally giving into the sobs that wracked her body.
“Oh baby,” Ani sighed, gathering Raffi into her arms tightly. “First of all, if something like that ever happens again, just tell daddy to bring you by the bakery before camp and I’ll braid your hair before you go.” Ani stroked her daughter’s hair gently. “Daddy and I chose to live so close to each other so that we can go back and forth between each other’s houses and the bakery whenever we want. I can talk to daddy about changing the living arrangements, but do you want to know what I think?” Ani whispered to Raffi, lifting her daughter’s tear-streaked face up to meet her own. “I think that if you lived with just me during the week you’d run into the same problems without daddy. You would need help with your math or science homework and he wouldn’t be around to help you, or you would want to share a story about your day at camp or play him a new piece of music that you learned on the violin and he wouldn’t be there to hear it and you would be just as sad.”
Raffi nodded her head in agreement, sniffling and hiccupping, as she took deep shuddering breaths in an effort to calm down.
“I think that no matter what, not living with both of us all the time is going to be really hard,” Ani murmured to her daughter, “and we need to figure out how to make it easier for you, okay? It’s our job to work this out Raffi, and daddy and I will do a better job.” Ani kissed Raffi’s forehead tenderly. “But you have to talk to us. If you don’t tell us when something is wrong, we can’t fix it.”
“Can I skip camp and go to the bakery with you tomorrow?” Raffi asked her mother, snuggling tighter against her.
“Absolutely,” Ani replied, hugging Raffi and turning the light out so they could get some sleep.
Jordan was subdued and resigned when Ani brought Raffi back the next day, and he listened to her quietly when she explained why Raffi had been upset over the weekend.
“I’ll bring her to you whenever she wants Ani,” he agreed wearily. “But I’m not going to give her up during the week, I’m not going to become one of those weekend or summer vacation dads. She’s my greatest treasure and I refuse to lose her too.”
“I don’t want you to,” Ani murmured. “We’ll figure it out. We have to. We owe it to Raffi.”
“Yes we do,” Jordan agreed quietly, and Ani left without further argument.
The fight that they’d all had at the loft almost seemed to have cleared the air between Jordan and Ani, and they stopped walking on eggshells around each other now that Ani had finally made it clear that things were permanently over between them. It was as if they had both needed to hear her say that she was never coming back. Ani and Sebastian on the other hand hadn’t spoken since the fight, and after three days of silence, Sawyer and Siobhan were placing bets on which one of them would crack first.
“Youse both are acting the maggot, ye know,” Siobhan declared to Ani on the fourth day since Ani had turned her back on Sebastian after their fight and he’d walked out of the apartment without looking back.
“She’s right, one of you is going to have to give,” Sawyer agreed, plopping down on the couch next to her sister.
“Ya both are quite stubborn aren’t ya?” Siobhan asked, glancing up from her toes that she was painting a vivid shade of fuchsia. “Don’t ye want to shag and be done with it already then?”
“He’s the one who’s sulking like a baby,” Ani retorted. “He should have called me after he left or come over the next day.”
“Well yor man’s not the one who was smooching his wife in front of the whole bleedin’ room,” Siobhan muttered under her breath as she leaned forward to blow on her toes.
“Fuck off!” Ani gasped in outrage. “I did not kiss Jordan, he kissed me, and I told him in front of Bast that I was never coming back to him!”
“You also admitted that a piece of you will always love Jordan and you told Bast to deal with it,” Sawyer reminded her sister gently. “Maybe Bast’s not sulking, maybe he’s trying to figure out how to deal with you admitting that you still love Jordan, even if you chose him.”
“You didn’t see the feckin’ kiss….” Siobhan murmured, “I’d slice Sawyer’s cunt off if she kissed her ex like that in front of me and then told me to feckin’ deal with it.”
“What are you both fucking talking about?” Ani exploded, jumping up. “Jordan kissed me and I pulled away. Then I told him I was never coming back to him. What Goddamn part of that did you not see?” she demanded. “And get your fucking slutty pink toenails off of my velvet couch before you ruin it!” Ani yelled at Siobhan.
“Jaysus feckin’ Christ, yor heads a marley,” Siobhan muttered, swinging her ridiculously long legs off of the couch and standing up. “I’m feckin’ leavin’ Soy,” she announced, casting a disgusted look at Ani. “Ye think yor just the cat’s pajamas don’t ye’?” She tossed at Ani as she strutted away. “Don’t think I haven’t seen ye’ yellin’ at yor man all weekend every time I shook my feckin’ arse, but ye’ expect him to sit idly by while ye’ hold hands with your bloody husband and let him kiss you bold as can be!” Siobhan thrust her toes into her flip- flops and grabbed her purse. “The cheek on ye’!” She stormed out of the loft and slammed the door behind her with a bang.
“She is such a fucking bitch!” Ani exclaimed, staring at the door in amazement.
“Yeah, but she’s kind of right,” Sawyer replied with a devilish grin. “You do have quite a cheek on you and you definitely think you’re the cat’s pajamas.”
“Fuck off,” Ani sighed, sinking back down on the couch and propping her feet up on the table. “How much longer am I going to have to put up with your skinny Dublin guttersnipe?”
“Skinny Dublin guttersnipe?” Sawyer repeated with a delighted grin. “No fucking way you came up with that title on your own! It’s wayyyy too good. Bast called her that didn’t he?”