by Ariel Ellman
After researching areas and looking for rental houses for a week, Ani finally decided on Monhegan Island, and she found a beautiful little house on a cliff overlooking the ocean.
“I found a place!” Ani announced to Sebastian when he came over later that night.
“Great, how much is it?” Sebastian asked, leaning forward and kissing Ani as he set the sushi he’d brought them on the counter.
“Raffi hates sushi,” Ani reminded Sebastian, wrinkling her nose at him.
“And that is why I brought her fish and chips, her favorite,” Sebastian replied chidingly, swatting Ani on the rear. “Give me a little credit baby.”
“Sorry,” Ani replied, slipping her arms around Sebastian’s waist and resting her head against his shoulders “You’re amazing with her,” she whispered as Raffi bounded down the steps from her room and ran into the kitchen.
“Yes! You remembered!” Raffi cried gleefully as she unwrapped her fish and chips and brought it over to the coffee table.
Ani raised her eyebrow at her daughter and Raffi explained between bites of fish that she’d asked Sebastian to bring her fish and chips from her favorite shack down by the wharf the next time he came over.
“We really need a kitchen table,” Ani sighed, leaning against the counter and popping a piece of sushi in her mouth.
“How much is the house?” Sebastian asked Ani again as he poured soy sauce into a dish and swirled a piece of wasabi in it with his chopstick.
“I’ve got it covered,” Ani replied breezily.
“I’m paying for it,” Sebastian stated quietly.
“Bast, I’m the one who suggested we go away,” Ani protested. “I’ve got it covered.
“It’s not a negotiable subject,” Sebastian murmured, keeping his voice low so Raffi wouldn’t overhear their conversation.
“Why don’t we split it,” Ani replied coaxingly.
“Do you think I can’t afford it? Do you think I can’t take care of you?” Sebastian asked Ani thoughtfully as he dipped a piece of his sushi into his soy sauce and swirled it around in the wasabi.
Ani glanced over at Raffi to see if she was listening to them, but she was munching on her chips and listening to her iPod while she leafed through the latest copy of the National Geographic Kids magazine that was on the coffee table.
“Bast, I don’t expect you to take care of me,” Ani replied softly. “I can take care of myself.”
“With Jordan’s money?” Sebastian asked quietly, his green eyes dark and unreadable.
“With my own money,” Ani protested.
“Mom, can I have desert?” Raffi called, pulling her earphones out of her ears and rising up from the couch.
“Sure, what do you want?” Ani asked her daughter, swallowing the lump that was forming in her throat as Sebastian continued to gaze at her with dark serious eyes.
“What do we have?” Raffi asked, crumpling up her fish wrapper and tossing it into the garbage.
“Ice cream?” Ani suggested, opening the freezer and peering inside.
“Will you make me one of your awesome sundaes?” Raffi asked Sebastian shyly.
“One of my awesome sundaes?” Sebastian replied, grabbing Raffi and swinging her up by her arms. “I don’t know, have you been good this week?” he asked teasingly, carrying a shrieking Raffi over to the couch and dumping her upside down.
“Do it again,” Raffi cried, gasping for breath as Sebastian leaned down and tickled her.
Ani watched them from across the room with tears in her eyes, wondering how she had missed the closeness that was starting to form between her daughter and Sebastian. She felt like an idiot for chiding Sebastian about the sushi as she thought back to the last few weeks and realized that Raffi had come to Sebastian for help with her camp art project and fallen asleep snuggled next to him on the couch while watching a movie.
“Banana butter pecan?” Sebastian called to Raffi as he walked back over to the kitchen after twirling her around two more times and finally dumping her back on the couch.
“With extra nuts and whipped cream,” Raffi called back, grabbing her backpack and dumping it out on the coffee table. “I can’t find my summer reading list.” She shuffled through a pile of papers.
“It’s on the fridge,” Sebastian called back before Ani could reply. “What book are you up too?” he asked as he scooped ice cream out and filled a tall glass.
“I just read “The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate” and I have to pick something else from the list,” Raffi replied.
“Do you want me to take you to the library?” Sebastian offered, layering bananas and pecans on top of the ice cream and drizzling butterscotch on top of it.
“Oh my God!” Raffi exclaimed in exasperation as she walked into the kitchen. “You are seriously the only person left in the world who uses the library!”
“Last week you told me it was me and your grandmother,” Sebastian teased, topping off Raffi’s sundae with whipped cream and three cherries.
“Yeah, but she got a Kindle two days ago so now it’s just you,” Raffi grinned, grabbing a cherry off of her sundae.
“Tell me how you are supposed to choose a book without holding it in your hand and looking at the art on the cover?” Sebastian asked Raffi seriously.
“By sampling it,” Raffi replied matter of factly, popping another cherry into her mouth.
“I’ll be right back,” Sebastian said, walking over to the floor-to-ceiling bookcase he’d built in front of Sawyer’s room.
“Look at this, and then pull up a sample from another book on your Kindle,” Sebastian told Raffi, laying an old copy of “The Bridge to Terabitha” on the counter beside Raffi’s e-reader. “Tell me there’s no differenc.” He swiped Raffi’s last cherry off of her sundae.
“Hey,” Raffi yelled in protest, swatting Sebastian’s hand with a grin.
As Ani watched Sebastian and Raffi’s affectionate interactions, she ducked her head to hide the tears that were filling her eyes. She had hoped that Raffi would come to accept Sebastian in her life, but it was the obvious affection and tenderness that Sebastian exhibited for her daughter that touched her heart the most.
“I guess it is different,” Raffi conceded to Sebastian as she leafed through the book that he gave her.
“So are we going to the library?” he asked, grabbing a spoon and stealing a bite of Raffi’s sundae.
“Fine!” Raffi laughed, pushing Sebastian away from her sundae and carrying the book and her ice cream to her room.
“You’re amazing with her,” Ani said to Sebastian softly after Raffi walked away.
“You never answered my question earlier,” Sebastian replied quietly, cleaning up the remnants of Raffi’s sundae.
“It’s not your job to take care of me,” Ani whispered.
“Is that so?” Sebastian replied, his voice dangerously quiet. “So you’ll fuck me, but you’ll still let Jordan support you?” His eyes darkened. “I have to say I kind of feel bad for the guy; he’s paying for you but I’m getting all of the benefits,” Sebastian spat, throwing the dishtowel down and grabbing his keys off of the counter.
“Bast stop it,” Ani cried, reaching out a hand to grab his arm. “Don’t leave,” she said quietly. “I have Raffi here. I can’t chase after you.”
“I don’t want you to chase after me A,” Sebastian replied just as softly. “I can’t even look at you right now.” He yanked his arm free and strode toward the apartment door without looking back.
“Whoah,” Sawyer yelled as she and Siobhan walked into Bast as he was storming out of the loft. “Everything okay?” she asked Ani cautiously as Sebastian shoved by her and Siobhan and took off, taking the stairs two at a time.
“Not really,” Ani replied weakly, staring after Sebastian’s retreating back.
“Do you have Raffi tonight?” Sawyer asked, taking in her sister’s white grief-stricken face.
“Yes,” Ani murmured, still staring at the door that Sebastian had disappe
ared through.
“Go tell her you have to take off for a little while. We’ll watch her,” Sawyer offered.
“I think I fucked up Soy,” Ani murmured.
“I’m sure you did,” Sawyer grinned back cheerfully. “But whatever it is A, just go fix it. You two have spent way too many years apart to waste your time together now fighting.” She kicked off her shoes and plopped down on the couch beside Siobhan.
“So we’re staying in then?” Siobhan asked Sawyer with a raised brow.
“Yup,” Sawyer replied, stretching her legs out across Siobhan’s lap. “You can rub my feet,” she teased, wiggling her toes at Siobhan.
“Feck off,” Siobhan replied, pushing Sawyer’s feet off of her with a pout.
“Don’t be such a baby. We’ll go out tomorrow night,” Sawyer said, following Siobhan into the kitchen.
“Well you’re cooking then,” Siobhan replied, lifting herself up onto the counter and sticking her tongue out at Sawyer.
“Raffi said fine,” Ani announced, coming down the steps from Raffi’s room. “She’s reading and listening to music in her room. She already ate dinner and desert so don’t let her try and wheedle anything else out of you.” Ani grabbed her keys and headed out the door.
“It’s just a fight A,” Sawyer said, walking over to her sister as she hovered in the doorway.
“I know,” Ani replied, gulping back the lump in her throat.
“You’ll have plenty more after this one, so don’t get caught up in the drama of it,” Sawyer cautioned gently, giving her sister a hug.
“It’s just that we’re still trying to figure everything out,” Ani whispered, blinking back tears.
“I know,” Sawyer replied, holding Ani against her chest tightly. “And you’re both stubborn and dramatic.” She let Ani go and pushed her out the door.
Ani drove over to Sebastian’s apartment and parked in front, chewing on her bottom lip as she stared up at the darkened windows. She walked up the steps and knocked on the door even though it was obvious that he wasn’t there. Then she walked back downstairs and poked her head in the bar, calling out a hesitant hello to his cousin Sean.
“Hey Mackenzie,” Sean called back. Everyone from her childhood still thought of Ani as Mackenzie so she didn’t bother to correct them.
“Is Bast around?” Ani asked, trying to sound casual.
“Nah, haven’t seen him in days,” Sean replied, filling a beer for a customer from one of the taps and sliding it down the bar. “Everything ok?”
“Yeah, no big deal, I’ll catch up with him,” Ani murmured, turning around and heading out of the bar with a wave good-bye. She walked back upstairs and stood in front of Sebastian’s apartment door again, realizing that she had no idea where else to look for him.
Ani sank down onto the floor and pulled her phone out of her pocket to call him. When the call went straight to voicemail she started to get pissed.
“Oh it’s not okay for me to disappear and turn my phone off but you can?” Ani muttered to herself, leaning her head against Sebastian’s apartment door. It took Ani another five minutes of sitting on the floor outside the apartment muttering to herself before she remembered that she had a key. She let herself in and wandered around the apartment, turning the lights on.
“Where are you Bast?” Ani murmured as she walked around the studio, running her fingers over Sebastian’s books on his bookshelf and picking up a sketchpad that he’d left on a table by the window. He had set up a little table and chair by one of the front windows and there was a jar of charcoal pencils and brushes and a few tubes of paint scattered on the table next to the pad.
Ani sank down into the chair and opened up the pad, drawing in her breath as she flipped through the pages. She was used to the beauty and mystery of Sebastian’s art and it never failed to draw her in, but the rawness of these sketches took her breath away. They were prison yard sketches, and the expressions on the men’s faces as they did sit ups or leaned against the fence talking to each other were incredible. All of the human emotions were present in the sketches.
You could see the fear seeping out of the pores on a young kid as he stood huddled in the corner of the prison yard, sweat streaming down his face. The look of elation on another prisoner’s face surprised Ani, and she wondered what he could possibly have to be happy about as he leaned against the fence and shared his news with a fellow prisoner. Another guy with bulging muscles sat on a bench doubled over laughing next to a short skinny guy with pockmarked cheeks. But it was the sheer hatred on another prisoner’s face that took Ani’s breath away as she stared into his glittering eyes and took in the array of complex tattoos that covered every inch of his face and neck.
After Ani finished looking through Sebastian’s sketchpad, she wandered over to the easel that he kept in the corner of the room and turned it around to see what he was working on. It was a painting of her, and Ani was startled to see herself through Sebastian’s eyes. It was a nude, and Sebastian was working from a sketch that he must have done while she was sleeping. Ani was lying on her stomach in the rough sketch with the blankets kicked down around her feet, and her hair spread out across the pillow.
She traced her finger wonderingly over the painting, down the curve of her bare back and to the crevice of her ass. It was a beautiful painting. The sunlight streaming in through the window caught the gold in her hair and it shone brightly against the deep blue of the pillowcase. Ani had bought Sebastian those sheets as a housewarming gift, and he’d told her that they matched her eyes exactly and he would always think of her when he slept on them.
After Ani finished looking at the painting and turned the easel back around, she glanced at her phone and realized that she’d been at the apartment for almost an hour already. She tried Sebastian’s phone and got his voicemail again and with a frustrated sigh, she called Sawyer.
“Hey Soy? Do you mind if I’m out late?” she asked quietly when her sister answered the phone.
“No of course not, is everything ok?” Sawyer asked in concern.
“Yes,” Ani whispered, choking back a sob. “It’s just that Bast isn’t here and he’s not answering his phone so I thought I’d wait for him.”
“That little prick,” Sawyer sighed. “I don’t know what your fight was about A, but don’t wait for him all night. If he’s going to be a dick about it then just come home,” she said, shushing Siobhan in the background.
“I’m going to wait,” Ani replied softly, blinking back tears and hanging up the phone.
Ani wandered over to Sebastian’s bed, picking up his pillow and pressing it against her face, inhaling deeply. She tried reading a book on Irish mythology that Sebastian had on his nightstand, but when she felt her eyes starting to close, she stripped out of her clothes and slipped one of Sebastian’s t-shirts on and climbed into his bed.
The sound of Sebastian noisily opening the door and clomping into his apartment woke Ani up several hours later, and she sat up and turned the bedside lamp on, blinking sleepily. Sebastian swayed drunkenly through the door, kicking it closed behind him.
“Hi,” Ani called out softly as Sebastian threw his keys down on the hall table and leaned against the doorframe, staring at her with brooding eyes.
“I told you I didn’t want you to chase after me,” he mumbled, holding onto the wall as he swayed unsteadily on his feet.
“Did you drink everything in the bar?” Ani asked, sliding out of the blankets and walking over to Sebastian to help him over to his bed.
“Didn’t go to a bar,” Sebastian replied sullenly, pulling away from Ani and stumbling over to his bed himself.
“Where did you go?” Ani asked softly, standing next to the bed in Sebastian’s t-shirt and bare feet.
“I wish I could sketch you right now,” Sebastian murmured, staring up at Ani illuminated in the lamplight.
“Where were you?” Ani asked again, perching on the side of the bed next to Sebastian’s outstretched frame.
; “Big Hector’s garage,” Sebastian murmured, reaching out a finger to brush a strand of hair away from Ani’s eyes. “Drinking a bottle of Mexican tequila.” He closed his eyes against the light, wincing at the glare. “Can you turn the light off?”
Ani got up and turned the lamp off and locked the door, coming back with a glass of water and three Advil.
“Wow, you must be really angry with me to drink an entire bottle of tequila,” Ani murmured, handing Sebastian the water and Advil.
“I am,” Sebastian replied, taking the Advil from Ani and swallowing them down dry.
“You should drink some water,” Ani whispered, holding the glass out to Sebastian. He took the glass from Ani and lifted his head slightly, chugging it down and handing it back to her without a word.
“Do you want me to stay?” Ani asked softly, putting the glass down.
“Not really,” Sebastian replied, closing his eyes.
“Why are you so angry with me?”Ani choked, blinking back the tears that started to fill her eyes.
“I can’t believe you can really fucking ask me that,” Sebastian mumbled back in reply, pulling his hand away from hers.
“All I said was that I don’t need you to take care of me, I never said that I wanted Jordan to instead,” Ani protested, climbing on top of Bast’s outstretched body. “I have money from the bakery, I don’t need money from you or Jordan.”
“That’s fucking bullshit,” Sebastian replied, staring up at Ani. “I know Jordan gives you money every month and I know that he’s giving you more in the divorce settlement. What I don’t know is why the fuck you think you need his money or why you would think it would ever be okay to spend it on us,” he hissed, grabbing Ani’s waist and flipping her off of him.
“All I said was that I would pay for the house rental,” Ani exclaimed.
“Why?” Sebastian demanded, sitting up on the edge of the bed and lowering his head into his hands. “Because you think I can’t fucking afford it?”
“No,” Ani wept.
“Why do you take his money every month A?” Sebastian choked. “If you need money why don’t you ask me?” Sebastian lifted his red eyes to stare back at Ani. “I don’t even know what I am to you A, do you know that?”