by Bailey West
I was a little surprised that she kicked me out of the house, but I deserved it. Her comparing me to her first husband cut deep, but it's my fault for being the way that I am. She had every right to do what she did. I helped create that confident, bold, amazing woman, so I have to deal with the consequences.
Olivia told me not to come back to her until I have spoken to Nigel. She is the fourth person that has told me that I need to speak with him, but she is the first one to force me. I know I love her, but there is something in me that holds me back from telling her. I’ve tried but I can’t. I wanted to tell her before I made love to her for the first time and every single time after that. I wanted to tell her when she surprised me for my birthday. I wanted to tell her when she was trying to check on a homeless person that was sleeping on the floor of the subway station in New York City.
When we were in New York, I saw her about to bend down to say something to the gentlemen asleep on the ground at the fourteenth street subway station. He didn’t have on any shoes, so the bottoms of his feet were jet black. His clothes were filthy and the smell coming from him was rancid. None of that bothered her. She just wanted to help. I grabbed her, making her stand back up and moved her down the platform.
“Babe, you can’t help everybody.”
“I know, but he is sleeping on the ground with no shoes on. What if he’s not okay?”
“The NYPD has trained officers to check on the homeless, okay?”
“Okay,” she said while still staring at the man on the ground on the other end of the platform until our train came.
I laughed at the memory.
I can’t lose her. I have to figure this out for the both of us, so I am making the two-hour drive from the airport in South Carolina to Nigel’s farm. I left our house and went to my office. Even in anger, Olivia packed my luggage perfectly. I pulled out some Nike joggers and matching shirt. I took a shower in my office then found a flight that left in a couple hours. I left instructions for my secretary and went to the airport. I called ahead and told Nigel I was on my way. He seemed excited about my visit. I wasn’t, but I knew it was necessary.
I pulled off the paved road onto a dirt road that led to Nigel’s property. I’d purchased this property for him because he’d really gotten into agriculture while he was locked up. He didn’t want to go back to New York. He wanted a fresh start, so I found this land for him and negotiated a great price for it. I was able to pay cash for it, so he owns it free and clear. I haven’t been here for several years, but my Dad told me that Nigel is really good at cultivating the land and growing things.
I pulled up to the small farmhouse that sat at the end of the dirt road. The property around the house was landscaped and immaculate. Nigel was sitting on the porch reading a newspaper when I pulled up. I parked the car and got out. Nigel met me half way and extended his hand. I was staring at an older version of myself. Same eyes, same height, and I outweighed him by at least fifty pounds, but he was fit. You could tell that he did a lot of manual labor. We had the same auburn hair. Our beards were even the same except his has some strategic grey hairs throughout. We shook hands. I hadn’t hugged him in decades. I retrieved my luggage from the trunk of the rental car and followed Nigel inside the house.
“Have a seat.” He motioned to the oversized black leather couch. He sat on the couch across from me.
“I was surprised to hear from you. I was preparing to see you in Houston for the wedding. Congratulations by the way.”
“Yeah, that was the plan until I got kicked out of the house.”
“What did you do to get kicked out?”
“It’s a long story. Can I take a shower and freshen up?”
“Of course, the bedroom on the left is the one I prepared for you. I figured you would stay here with me since the closest hotel is a two star at best and it’s about forty minutes away,” he chuckled.
He was correct. I had already checked.
I followed his directions to the guest bedroom. There was a large bed in the middle of the room and a small desk in the corner. I put my bag on top of the desk and found something in my bag to change into.
“Aye, Paxton. I’m going to cook us some lunch,” Nigel called through the door.
“Okay.”
I sent Olivia a text like I said I would then got into the shower. I wished that the shower would wash this feeling of dread away, but it didn’t. I finished my shower, put on some fresh clothes and met Nigel in the kitchen.
“Smells good in here.” I sat at the table for two he had in his kitchen.
“Yeah man. I got some fried potatoes, cubed steaks, and peas that I grew myself.”
“I didn’t know you cooked. I don’t recall you ever cooking dinner when I was growing up.”
“I didn’t cook a lot, but Selle always said I was a much better cook than her. I don’t know if she was just souping me up so I would do it more or what but yeah, I cooked sometimes. I know Grace taught you how to cook before you left home, didn’t she?”
“Yeah, she taught all of us how to cook. Now, my lady does most of the cooking.”
“Can she cook?”
“Man, I’m constantly in the gym because if I stop, I am going to blow up. She is the best cook. She’s from the south so she can cook great southern dishes but she can make anything taste delicious.”
“That’s great. How are your brothers?”
“They are well. You know they are both married now to beautiful women. Zanetta is Blue’s wife. She is an entrepreneur. Zora is Zeke’s wife, she is a dentist.”
“I heard they are having babies. My brother is excited about being a grandpa.”
“Yeah, Zora had a son when she met Zeke, but Zeke has adopted him. His name is Braeden. Then they just had a daughter a few months ago. Her name is Zahria. Now, Nette is pregnant.”
“Something in the water, huh?”
“I guess so.”
“What about you and your lady. Do you want children?”
“I don’t think so.”
“That’s cool, too. Well, the food is ready. Come on and fix a plate.”
We ate together. His food was very good. I never knew he cooked. I helped him clean the kitchen then followed him out of the house onto the front porch.
“It looks a lot different than when you saw it last, huh?”
“It does. You’ve done a good job fixing it up and keeping it up.”
“Thank you. You want a tour of my crops?”
“Yeah,” I said as I followed him down the steps towards the corn stalks.
“This is corn if you haven’t guessed. I planted this just to see if I could do it. It has grown so well that I keep it now.”
“You learned how to grow things in prison?”
“Well, after I was there for a while and stayed a model inmate, they let me work in the greenhouse. One of the old heads taught me everything he knew about soil, planting and taking care of crops. He was from the country. The first thing I planted was a sunflower. I followed his watering instructions and maintenance tips. That thing grew to be taller than me. I’d successfully finished something that I had started. That made me want to learn more. I got all the books the library had on agriculture and growing food. It wasn’t a lot of them so I wrote to the local libraries and asked if they would donate books on the subject, they did. Eventually, I was the one over the greenhouse. We were producing enough vegetables to sell at the local farmer’s market and use for feeding the inmates. Now I take an agriculture class or two a year at the community college. One of the professors at the University lets me sit in on his agriculture lectures sometimes.”
“You take college courses?”
“Yeah, I have to stay up on the new trends and technology even though I usually go with what’s tried and true.”
We walked up and down several rows of green plants that he identified as we went. I was impressed with his knowledge of each crop.
“I have a contract with the local grocery store for a lot
of what I produce. I send the money that I earn from that to Selle.”
“She never told me that.”
“Yeah, I do. You ready to tell me why you got kicked out?”
He continued walking, and I followed behind him.
“I’ve been acting stupid, and she got tired.”
“What does that mean?” He called over his shoulder while he kept moving forward.
“It means that I am afraid of failure because I don’t want to end up like you.”
He stopped walking and turned and faced me.
“Ah, I see. I can understand how that would worry you but I didn’t raise you, Roland did.”
“I’m still your seed. I look just like you. I move like you. What if I’m predisposed to making a mess of everyone’s life around me like you?”
He turned around and continued walking until we made it to the porch.
“Sit out here with me for a minute,” he said and pointed to the swing.
I sat down and waited for him to start talking. He didn’t for several minutes.
“When Giselle first told me she was pregnant, I knew you were a boy. It’s a Bluette thing, we always know the sex of our children. I knew that I wanted to teach you everything that I knew. I wanted to work hard and get us out of public housing. I wanted to live in California so you could have sunshine, clean air, and a neighborhood to grow up in. That was my goal. I hustled, man. Do you hear me? I worked hard. I practiced harder and longer. I wanted my name to be known among all musicians as the best there ever was. I was in a band called the Charboniers. I didn’t want to be in a band but the manager I had at the time told me that if I could do a couple years with this band that I would develop a following. When I was ready to do my solo project, the fans would already be there. I didn’t know any better, so I went along with it. The band was a hit. We sold out everywhere we went.”
“I don’t remember hearing about you being in a band. I knew you were a musician of course, but I didn’t know about a band.”
“Yeah, I didn’t talk about it at all. Roland never mentioned it?”
“No, not that I can remember.”
“Well, after a couple of years, I was ready to do my own thing, and the band didn’t like it. I didn’t care, I stepped away anyway. They launched a campaign to blackball me around the industry. It worked too. I couldn’t get work anywhere even though I was the coldest trumpeter alive. I fought hard, but they did a complete job of locking me out of the industry. You know things are different now. These kids get on the Facebook and the Twitter and tell their side of the story. I didn’t have all of that, so I lost. There is a scripture that I remember that says hope deferred makes the heart sick. My heart got sick, man. I turned to alcohol to feel better. I worked hard for you. I wanted you to be proud of me, but by the time you could recognize me for what I was, I was a failure.”
“Did you start the drugs when you were with the band?”
“Drugs? I’ve never been on drugs. I never tried drugs, not even reefer. Alcohol was; still is my vice, but I haven't had a drink since before I went up. Well, I take that back. I got out, and one of the first things I did was buy an Olde English tall boy, you know the sixteen ounce can. We used to call those tall boys. Anyway, I cracked that can open, took a big gulp, and it felt like razors going down my throat and swirling in my stomach. It was painful! I put that can in the trash and haven’t touched any liquor since but I am an alcoholic. I know that it only takes one slip up to take me back, so I work on my health and workout. What made you think I was on drugs?”
“I never saw you do them, but you were always so wired. Maybe I was learning about them in school and just figured that was your deal.”
“Naw, man. I didn’t want to be all hooked on something like that even though I had the liquor. Selle would have killed me if she thought I even was around drugs.”
“So, that night of the shooting, you weren’t on drugs?”
“No, I wasn’t even that drunk. I mean, I was drunk, but I can remember everything. I got that gun from Willie that lived in the other building. I didn’t know it was loaded. As a matter of fact, Willie told me that it wasn’t.”
“It was not your intention to shoot us?”
“Us? You and Selle are the most important things in my life. I never wanted to do anything to hurt you or her. I was being stupid by flashing that damn thing around. I was out of control and stupid.”
“Why did you pull the trigger?”
“I didn’t pull it on purpose. Like I said, I didn’t know it was loaded and had a hair trigger. I had shot Selle before I knew what happened. I shot myself because I just knew she was dead and I didn’t want to live without her. Come to find out, that gun was completely loaded.”
“Are you saying the shooting was an accident?”
“Yes, I never intended to hurt Selle.”
“Why didn’t you say that at your trial?”
“I didn’t have a trial. I took a plea deal and faced the consequences. I did tell my public defender the whole true story. After Selle was better, she even told him that it was a straight up accident, but he advised me to take the plea because no one would believe me. I would risk spending more time in jail if I went to trial. I deserved everything that happened to me. I didn’t want to defend myself because I shouldn’t have had that gun in the first place. I shouldn’t have been drinking. I should have man’d up and taken care of you and Giselle. Instead, my older brother had to step in and give you what I couldn’t. So, I understand why you would be afraid of turning out like me.”
“You are saying it was an accident and Giselle said it was an accident, then why are you and Giselle divorced? Why are you living in separate states?”
“We are not divorced. She’s still my wife, and I still treat her as such. I told her when I first went away that she didn’t have to wait for me. As a matter of fact, I told her not to wait for me. I filed for a divorce from her. I wouldn’t put her on my visitor’s list, and when they moved me South, I didn’t let her know. I wanted her to move on from me. I was poison. Rotten. Not worthy of a woman like her. I thought we were divorced but come to find out, she never filed the paperwork. She was hurt for years for the way that I, in her words, discarded her. It was never my intention to make her feel discarded. I just didn’t want to do any more damage to her life. I got out, and you gave me this land. I didn’t even try to reach out to her at first. Then one day I decided to call. She cried and cursed me out and hung up. So, I called again. I needed for her to hear my apology. I didn’t know if she was in another relationship or what, but I knew that the way I handled things was dead wrong. She answered the second time I called. She let me talk and get everything off my chest. After that, we started with weekly calls just to say hello. Weekly turned to daily, and that’s when she told me that we were still married. She’s dated a couple of clowns, but now, I am working on getting her back. I need her in my life. I’ve gone up to the City to visit her a couple of times.”
“All of these years I thought that you were divorced and not speaking and you have a relationship with her?”
“Yeah, most people probably think we are divorced but, we’re not. I’m still in love with that woman, and I think she feels the same about me.”
“What do I know that’s actually factual?”
“I messed up. That’s a fact. I should have been better. That’s a fact. You deserved better. Fact. You are a better man than I ever dreamed of being. You are going to make a great husband. Those are all facts. Irrefutable truths.”
Something ripped inside my chest hearing Nigel’s story. I’ve lived in a state of confusion for a long time. I knew that Nigel loved Giselle, I never understood why he would intentionally hurt her. Now I understand that it was an accident. An accident that he’s paid for by losing his wife, son and his freedom. So, I can love Ollie without fear of doing what Nigel did because all he’s done is love his wife and his son.
Olivia
“So, I told him to g
o and talk to Nigel and don’t come back until he does.”
I took a gulp of my wine and looked at Zora and Zanetta. I had just finished telling them the whole story of why I told Paxton to leave. They came over prepared to take me to my final fitting for my wedding dress, but I didn’t know if I should even go.
“Take another gulp for me,” Zora laughed. “I can’t have any since I’m nursing.”
I took another gulp and poured more from the bottle into my glass.
“I mean, I didn’t know what else to do. I wanted to think that he was just going to self-correct, but I can’t live like that anymore. I think back to how I felt when I went through something similar with Mason, and I wonder what I was thinking. How did I let myself accept that foolishness? I don’t know. I love Paxton, but I love me more. He can’t just do anything and think I am going to be okay with it.”
“He needed a reality check, and you gave it to him. I think you handled it correctly,” Zanetta added.
“I don’t know if I should keep working on this wedding or wait until he comes back. What if he comes back and decides he doesn’t want to be with me anymore?”
“He still wants you. If he didn’t want you, he wouldn’t have even tried to get his life right. He would have told you to go sit down somewhere,” Zanetta explained.
“Exactly, he’s in love with you. We all can see that. He just has something to work out. You guys will be fine. Don’t stop working on the wedding. He wouldn’t want you to do that.”
“Right, so go get your shoes on so we are not late to this fitting,” Zanetta instructed.
We arrived at the bridal boutique where my dress was being altered. I’d gone to several shops before I found this one. Most brides have at least a year to find their dress, I had three months, so I had to choose from the inventory that was already in stock. I lucked up and found the perfect dress. If I wouldn’t have found the dress here in Houston, I was going to take Paxton up on his offer and fly back to New York to find it.
My dress had a sweetheart neckline with illusion sleeves and a drop waist. The top of the dress was covered in crystals. The skirt was a full ball gown with a tulle overlay sprinkled with crystals.