by Kat Gordon
My sessions with Mr Hicks continued the week after the funeral. He was wearing a green jumper when I opened his office door, and he must have had a shower not long before, because he looked and smelled minty-fresh. Seeing him made my heart-rate jack up.
“How are you doing, Tallulah?” he asked.
“Not so good.”
He pulled a sympathetic face. “I hope you know I’m here if you want to talk about your grandmother. Anytime.”
It was Toby I really wanted to talk to though, and I felt my throat start to close up.
“Don’t cry. Here – have a tissue.” Mr Hicks scrabbled around on the desk and handed me a piece of off-white cloth.
“It’s kind of dirty,” I said, holding it between my thumb and forefinger. Mr Hicks spread his arms and grinned ruefully. The cloth smelled like turpentine when I blew my nose in it.
“I like it when you smile, you know?”
“What is this?” I asked, scrunching it up.
“A sketch I was working on earlier.”
“Sorry I snotted all over it.”
“I’ll take it as a veiled critical reaction.” He picked up the bin and held it out to me. “Would you like a glass of water?”
“Thanks.”
He went off and came back with a glass. The water in it was warm and cloudy; I took a sip and thought about spitting it back out, but Mr Hicks was leaning against the desk on my side now, right next to me. “I hope your friends are looking after you properly.”
I tried to make a non-committal noise.
“Well, if you don’t mind me asking, how’s your relationship with your dad, then? Maybe this is a time for you both to get to know each other.”
“It’s alright.”
“Are you sure?”
“It’s the same as always.” I put down my glass, trying not to meet his eye.
“Of course, of course,” Mr Hicks said. He put his hand on mine; it felt warm and dry. An image of him holding me, tilting my face upwards, came into my mind, and I blushed so hard it felt like pins and needles. He picked my hand off the table and held it in both of his. I thought of Toby again, and the camping trip, and now Toby and Edith together. Him kissing her instead of me. Edith looking up at him adoringly. I pressed my fingers into the heel of Mr Hicks’ palm; I thought I could feel his pulse underneath the skin. I kept looking into his eyes; he didn’t flinch, didn’t move his hand away. My heart was knocking about in my chest so hard I thought my ribs might break. All I could think about was how much Toby would hate it if I kissed Mr Hicks.
“I really like seeing you,” I said. “I mean… you’re cool.”
He kept looking at me; the corners of his mouth twitched. “You’re pretty cool yourself.”
“No I’m not.”
“You’re beautiful, you’re independent, you’re smart. You’re not a fake, Tallulah, like a lot of the other girls your age.” He squeezed my hand back, and let go of it. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. You wouldn’t see it. You don’t have to try to force some semblance of creativity into these useless lumps.” He laughed. “I’m joking, of course. But you have a special way of looking at things.” He jerked his head in the direction of the door. “And you’re better than them. Especially your friends, from the sounds of it. They should be really taking care of you at this stage, and instead you’re being neglected.”
“They’re busy.”
“Too busy for grief?”
“I guess.”
He turned my chair so I was facing him head-on, and leaned towards me, looking right into my eyes. “Well, remember you always have a friend here. Just use discretion. Always consider whether it’s in our best interests to draw negative attention to ourselves, especially in your position here, which is… ” – he looked like he was searching for the right word – “… tenuous. Does that make sense?”
“Okay,” I said. I could feel the heat of his breath on my face, and my own was coming too fast. Mr Hicks looked so serious – I didn’t know if I was in trouble for what I’d said earlier.
He straightened up and smiled. “Are you done with the water?”
“Yeah.”
He moved around to the other side of the desk and sat down, looking back to his old self. “Well – we should talk about your academic progress. How do you feel about the summer exams?”
“So, come to the party,” I said. “My cousin invited me – it’s for all the Drama Group and their teacher.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard about her,” John said. “Batty.” He nudged Toby with his foot. “Maybe you’ll get lucky. Oh wait – ”
“Have you ever even spoken to a girl and not made her throw up?” I asked him.
“Ouch,” John said. “Just because… ”
“Shut up, John,” Toby said.
“You haven’t even heard what I was going to say.”
“No one wants to hear what you’ve got to say,” Francis said.
None of us had discussed Toby and Edith’s relationship since John had told me. Toby had been avoiding me and Edith was away on a language trip with her German class that wouldn’t get back until later that afternoon.
“Anyway,” I said. “I have to go.” Toby started to say something but I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder. “See you lot later. The party’s at nine.”
“See you there,” Francis said.
Edith was back by the time I finished my last class, waiting in the dorm for me. “Tal,” she said. “The trip was amazing. We drank beer out of a giant mug, although then the teacher caught us and we weren’t allowed out of the hostel again at night, but Amy met this German boy and snuck out and then we had to cover for her.”
“I thought you hated Amy,” I said.
“She’s not so bad,” Edith said. She was unpacking. “She was really nice to me the whole time – she thinks Toby’s really handsome, she said.”
“Good for her,” I said. I lay down on my bed, and stared up at the ceiling.
“Tal, are you mad at me?” Edith asked. She stopped unpacking and came and sat on the end of my bed. “Toby said that nothing was happening between you.”
Oh did he? “Nothing was.”
“Yeah, but,” Edith said. “I just feel bad that it happened behind your back.”
I shrugged and gritted my teeth.
Edith got up. “As long as you’re okay with it,” she said.
“Whatever. Are you coming to the party?”
“Oh yeah, Toby invited me,” she said.
“No he didn’t,” I said. “I did. After my cousin invited me, remember?”
“Are you sure you’re not mad at me?” Edith asked.
“Sure,” I said and felt like pushing her down the stairs. “I’m gonna have a shower.”
“Okay,” Edith said. “I’ll have one after you. I’ve got so much to tell you about the trip. And this one thing that Amy did… ” She started laughing.
I picked up my towel and left the room.
We met the boys behind the gym. The two of us got there first and crouched down by the grey wheelie bin, waiting for the others. I lit a cigarette while Edith fussed with her tights. She stopped and watched me inhale. “Does your dad know you smoke?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe,” I said. I’d had a four or five beers before we left the dorm and I could feel the blood starting to build up at the base of my neck; I was going to have a massive headache tomorrow.
Edith was running her fingers through her hair with a worried expression. “How do I look?” she asked.
“Fine.”
“Really, how do I look?”
I looked at her properly. Her lips were smeared with orange lipstick, and her eyelashes were very long, making her eyes look huge.
“Very pretty,” I said. She did look kind of pretty, in a really messy way.
“Tal, you here?” Francis’ voice hissed.
“Yeah.”
We stood and walked around the bin. The boys were huddled together on the ot
her side, looking unsure of themselves.
“What now?” Francis asked. He was carrying cans of lager in his trouser and coat pockets; all of them were, I could hear sloshing and clinking coming from everyone.
“I’ll see if I can find my cousin.”
The bungalow was twenty metres or so from the gym. We could hear music coming from inside, and light pooled on the grass by our feet through a chink in the curtains. I walked up to the front door and knocked; a girl in a yellow tutu opened it. She had a plastic cup full of clear liquid in one hand, and a cigarette in the other. I knew her name – Bailey – she was one of the prefects in the A-Level year; last month she’d given a reading at assembly on the dangers of getting into strangers’ cars. “Yeah?” she said. “What do you want?”
“Is Starr around?”
She bent forwards; her breath was sickly sweet and her makeup was running. “Come in,” she said. “I’ll try to find her for you.”
I followed her in, leaving the others outside. There was a narrow, packed corridor with five rooms leading off it, two on each side and one at the end. Through the first left-side door, kids were dancing in the living-room. On the right, in the kitchen, more were mixing cocktails. As I looked in, one boy was drinking out of a ladle.
“Not in here,” Bailey said, poking her head into the living-room. “Let’s try the back.”
We picked our way down the corridor. She pointed to the second door on the left. “Judith’s bedroom. It’s out of bounds.” She pushed open the door on the right. I could see a small bathroom with yellowish tiles on the walls. A boy was asleep in the bath; another was sitting on the toilet with his hand up the top of the girl in front of him. His face was ecstatic. The girl turned towards us. Her eyes were glassy and she was clutching a bottle of tequila at her side. “’Sup Bailey,” she said.
“Someone’s gonna puke,” Bailey whispered to me. We backed out.
“Only one room left,” she said. “This is where we have workshops sometimes.”
She pushed open the door to a conservatory. The drama teacher was in the middle of the room, playing the bongos. Starr was sitting on the piano, rolling a cigarette. One of her followers was standing next to her, mimicking the drama teacher’s eyes-closed, head-back pose. Two boys were flicking through a copy of Lady Chatterley’s Lover, laughing at something about halfway through.
“Tallulah,” someone called. I turned on my heel and felt sick all of a sudden. Mr Hicks and a tall, horsey woman were standing over by the window, looking at the room with raised eyebrows. He beckoned me over. I thought he was going to tell me to go home, but he just nudged the woman and nodded at me. “This is one of my art students from year eleven.” He was being normal with me again.
The woman looked me up and down. “She looks very young.” She wore a large gold cuff on her left wrist and a short red dress that she kept tugging down at the hem. “Gary.” She put her hand on his arm. “Do we have to stay here? Watching Judith do her whole ethnic thing is making me feel nauseous.”
“I’m finding it quite amusing,” Mr Hicks said. “What do you think, Tallulah?”
They both looked at me. I shrugged.
The woman sneered. “Don’t pick on her, Gary, she’s just a baby.”
I felt my face heat up. “Later,” I said, and turned away, catching Starr’s eye.
“Tallie, you made it,” she called, waving at me and nearly falling off the piano.
I walked over to her.
“This is my cousin Tallie,” Starr said, nodding towards me. “This is Melia.”
“Melia?”
“Short for Amelia,” the girl said. She tossed her hair over her shoulder.
“Sorry about that,” I said; Starr took a sip to hide her grin. “I went to Grandma’s funeral,” I told her.
“Bummer,” she said.
“Your mum wasn’t there again.”
Starr shrugged. “Don’t look at me – she never explains herself.”
I looked down at the ground, feeling really tired all of a sudden. Starr gave me a gentle prod with her foot. “Sorry… You know,” she said. “I think she was genuinely shocked, though. Me too. I always thought Grandma would outlive everyone.”
“Thanks.”
“Speaking of family, did you hear about Aunt Gillian and that creep?” she asked.
“You mean Uncle George?”
“Yeah. The pervert.” Starr wiggled on the piano, trying to pull her dress down.
“What happened?”
“They’re getting a divorce.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Big shock, ’cos it’s the first in the family or something. My mum’s hysterical.”
“She’s upset?”
“Are you kidding? She’s so happy she nearly soiled herself. Anything that Gillian does wrong makes her feel all warm and fuzzy.” Starr took another sip of her drink.
“Why are they getting divorced?”
“He’s a criminal,” Starr said. “I know – like, duh. But it’s just embezzling, or something boring like that. So it’s bye bye Georgie.”
“Yeah, I can’t see Aunt Gillian visiting him in prison.”
“Maybe for conjugal visits,” Starr said, and snorted. “Not.”
“So, you here by yourself, Tallie?” Melia interrupted.
“My friends are outside.”
“Who’d you bring?” Starr asked.
“Toby and that lot.”
“Oh God, not that idiot, John too?” Starr pulled a face. “He’s always trying to get into everyone’s pants. And what’s up with you and Toby?”
“Nothing,” I said, studying my fingernails. “He’s going out with Edith.”
“The ginger?” Starr threw her head back and laughed. Melia copied her. “Good for her.” She stopped when she saw my face. “How do you feel about it?”
“I don’t own him.”
“That’s not how the rumours went.”
“Whatever,” I said. “They can do what they want. I’m gonna go get them.”
“I’m gonna smoke this,” Starr said. She hopped off the piano and opened a window. “Help yourself to alcohol. Someone brought vodka – it’s in the freezer.”
“Cool,” I said.
“Who opened a window?” the drama teacher asked shrilly. “It’s ruining my concentration.”
I went back outside. The others were standing around awkwardly. It was windy and Edith was only wearing a thin dress – her lips had turned blue and she was shivering, although no one had thought to offer her a jacket, or she’d refused one.
“Come in,” I said. “There’s some vodka in the freezer, apparently.” I held the door open and stepped to the side.
“Dude,” Francis said, coming past me. “The drama group. They’re mental.” I looked at where he was pointing; four boys in the kitchen were shaking salt out onto the counter and snorting it.
“I’m gonna find some girl who’s wasted,” John said, pushing his way into the living-room.
Toby and Edith came inside. I shut the door after them. Edith’s eyes looked bigger than ever.
“Let’s go find this vodka,” I said to her.
The boys in the kitchen made a path for us to walk to the freezer. I opened it and started pulling out drawers. There were two bottles of vodka in the second drawer, and next to them a bag of frozen peas, a pair of boxer shorts and a wooden spoon.
“I put those there,” one of the boys said. “Nice surprise for Judith tomorrow morning.”
His friends high-fived him.
“Great,” I said. “You seem really funny.” I took a nearly-empty vodka bottle out and picked two plastic cups off the side. “Let’s go, Ed.”
“Don’t you want me, baby?” the boy called after us. His friends laughed and I heard slapping sounds, like they were high-fiving again.
“Jerks,” I said.
“Yeah,” Edith said, quietly.
We found the others in the living-room. John was dancing in the middle of the fl
oor and the other two were sitting in a corner. Some girl was in Francis’ lap and he looked at me, embarrassed. I grinned at him.
“Hold these,” I said to Edith. I poured us two half-cups of vodka to finish the bottle. We lifted them up and knocked them together.
“Cheers,” I said. I drank a mouthful; the vodka tasted disgusting, but it was warm on the way down. Edith retched.
“That’s so strong,” she said.
“I’ll find you some juice,” Toby said, getting up and leaving the room.
“Want any?” I asked Francis.
He held his can up.
“Okay,” I said. I drank another mouthful and could feel my stomach heaving already.
“Are you alright?” Francis asked me. The girl in his lap hiccupped.
I nodded. My head felt light, it must have been the spirit interacting with the beers. I downed the vodka and jumped up, nearly falling over; someone on my right put a hand out to prop me up.
“I’m getting some more,” I said.
I walked into the kitchen; the back of my head was thumping and the room was spinning.
“Tal,” I heard Toby say. “You don’t look good, you should have some water.”
“I’m fine.”
I couldn’t see him until he put his hand out to close the freezer drawer. “You don’t look fine,” he said. “You should go back to the dorm. I’ll take you.”
“I don’t think Edith would like that.”
“Listen,” he said. His fingers were digging into my wrist. “I’m sorry about the camping trip, and I’m sorry that I got with Edith. I know you said you were cool with it but I don’t think you are.”
“Get over yourself.”
“Look, if you’re not cool with it… ” He leaned in closer, until our foreheads were almost touching. “If you’re not… If you just said that… ”
“What?”
“I would end it with her.”
“How nice of you,” I said.
He drew back and looked at me. “I mean it. I would break up with her right now if you asked me to.”
My wrist hurt from where he was squeezing it. I looked at his face, floating in the middle of the fug of alcohol. Him and Edith made no sense, I thought. They were opposites. Does Edith know about your brother? I wanted to ask. I looked at his eyebrows, which were thick and black, and his eyelashes too. They made me want to reach out and tug them. It was strange, I thought, how some people looked so good you wanted to be around them. Like Toby. Like my mother.