by Hadley Quinn
“Take care of what?” he asked as he stood.
“New lease? Somethin’ like that—”
He took off out of the diner and jogged down the street to the Fairmont Apartments. He buzzed her door number but there was no answer, so he called her cell phone instead.
“Hey, baby, what’s—?”
“Where are you right now?” he asked.
“Um, I’m in my building. Why? What’s wrong?”
“Do not renew that lease, Jules. Okay? Don’t.”
“Cole, what’s going on? I already wrote the check.”
“I’m outside, buzz me in.”
Pause. “Okay, but you’re scaring me.” Another pause, and then the buzzer on the door sounded. “I’m down the hall in the manager’s office.”
He hung up the phone and rushed down the hall, running into her only a few seconds later.
“What is going on?” she asked, searching his face for an answer.
He glanced down at the papers in her hand. “What’s that?”
“The new lease agreement. And my payment.”
Cole took the papers from her hand, particularly for the check, and ripped them all in half. “Don’t.”
She gaped at him in disbelief, but she was speechless.
“Jules, I don’t want you to pass up the opportunity for UCLA. Okay? Do it. Get your degree. Don’t let anyone stand in your way.”
Her eyebrows furrowed. “How did you find out about UCLA? Cole, dammit, if you’re going to research my life—”
“I didn’t get into your business, I swear,” he told her honestly.
“Then how did you find out? The only people that know is Bree and…” She narrowed her eyes. “And my dad,” she growled. “Oh my God! Are you kidding me?”
She looked like she was about to lose her shit right there, and the dude walking by looked annoyed by her outburst.
Cole gave him a death glare. “Keep walkin’, buddy.”
The guy quickly hung a right for the stairs.
Cole turned back to Julia. “Baby, listen to me. If you want to finish this degree, you need to do it. I don’t want you to look back and wish you had; just look ahead and be glad you did.”
“What about ‘everything happens for a reason’?” she asked carefully. “You don’t believe in that anymore?”
“I think this is your ‘everything happens for a reason’, Jules. So take it. Get your degree, whatever you want to achieve. I know you can do it.”
“You know this means me moving to California, right? I mean that’s what I wanted to talk to you about last week. I chose UCLA because my brother lives there, and so does one of my best friends; I can stay with either of them for a while. I was going to get myself settled there with a job as soon as possible. I had it all planned. I was going to bring it up; I wanted to know how you felt about it. But then… I just couldn’t. I didn’t want it as much as I did before.”
“Why not?”
She sighed and looked down at floor. “Because I want something more than just a piece of paper. I feel like there’s always been something missing in my life and I thought getting a successful career would fill the void. But it won’t. I know that now.”
Cole paused, feeling confused. Especially because he knew how independent Julia was. He knew how determined she’d been to work hard and get somewhere because of it.
“I don’t understand,” he finally responded quietly. “You have an amazing opportunity in front of you. So take it. Follow your dream and don’t let anything get in the way of it.”
“That’s what I’m doing, Cole,” she answered softly. “My dream is you, and I’m not letting anything get in the way of it.”
Doug, 1 … Cole, 0
The guy had been right.
He rubbed his hands over his face to regroup. “Julia…”
“You’re saying…there’s no point?” she asked, studying him carefully. “I would be giving it up for nothing?”
Those eyes of hers… God they were killing him right now.
“Maybe I’m not making myself clear enough, Cole. Do you not feel anything for me like I feel for you? Because I love you. Do you understand that? I’m so in love with you, I would do anything at this point to prove it to you.”
He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what the fuck to say. Out of all the difficult conversations he’d ever had to have with people, for once he was at a loss for words.
And Julia broke right then and there. She closed her eyes and tears poured down her face. He felt like the biggest dick in the whole fucking world because making her cry was the last thing he ever wanted to do.
He reached for her and brushed away her tears. “Jules, don’t cry, babe—”
“Crying does not make me weak. It makes me human. Do not feel sorry for me or coddle me like I’m incapable of carrying on with my life. I do not need your pity.”
“I am not pitying you, beautiful. Hey, look at me.”
It took a while for her to look up at him, and when she did, he almost couldn’t bear it. He froze again. He completely froze like the douche he quite possibly was.
But sometimes things happen for a reason, and he felt he needed to let her go. He never felt like he’d made his own choices in life, they’d just sort of been thrown at him. How could he deny someone the opportunity to do something he’d never done for himself?
Julia kissed him on the cheek and said, “I love you Cole.” And then she headed for the exit.
He could have said it back. He loved her. He did. He loved her with all his heart and he fucking knew it.
And he also watched her walk right out that door.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Some things in life are meant to hurt. Some are meant to heal. Other times… Well, other times are just meant to make you feel completely fucking lost.
Cole wasn’t sure what stage he was in right now. Julia left town two days after he messed up the best thing in his life. He wanted her to pursue her education; he wanted her to capitalize on an opportunity that she had worked so hard to achieve.
But it killed him.
Doing the right thing had never felt so wrong. It was confusing as hell. He hadn’t meant for her to leave town like that, without even a goodbye. It had been two weeks now and he was still barely getting through each day.
He was working for Jack again, two separate cases. He truly enjoyed working with the guy. He belonged being hired on cases that were more challenging; they were more suited for him. However, Cole was beginning to feel like his days were so monotonous he just couldn’t separate one from the next.
He’d just returned to the Block after a long day of work and a grueling workout under Mickey’s supervising eye. When he turned the corner for his apartment, he slowed. There were two men in suits knocking on his door.
They paused when they saw him, and as Cole got closer, the taller one asked, “John Colby Nicholson? I’m Assistant Director Rhoades with the FBI; this is Agent Fulton. Do you have a few minutes?”
Cole approached his door and they stepped aside so he could unlock it. “Sure.” He motioned them inside. “And it’s just ‘Cole’,” he corrected.
Rhoades smiled. “I’m aware. Formalities.”
Cole nodded and offered them seats. He sat on the couch across from them.
“I’ve been in discussions with a few people about your reputation in the investigative field,” Rhoades began. “Seems like you’ve done well for yourself over the years.”
Cole barely shrugged. “I get paid to find answers.”
“Yes, but you’re quite good at the people aspect of it. Your interrogation skills? I’ve watched recordings of your work. I’m quite impressed, to be honest. We train agents for that type of thing, but you’re a natural.”
Cole waited for him to continue but he didn’t. Rhoades was waiting for him to respond.
He didn’t.
Rhoades cleared his throat and smiled. “Yes, I’m very intrigued,” he nodded, ob
viously catching on to Cole’s choice of response. “So we’ll cut to the bottom line, okay? How would you feel about putting in the time to join our ranks? Your record is clean, your experience is on-point… You can consult for us now and then while you meet that tiny requirement of a bachelor’s degree so we can make it official.” He paused. “What do you think?”
Cole didn’t think anything right now except the mention of schooling, which made him think of Julia again. The enticement to be fast-tracked to higher pay and status didn’t even appeal to him.
But… It could. With time. Right now his heart just wasn’t into it, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be at some point.
The two agents stood. “I’ll be in touch,” Rhoades said. “It was nice meeting you in person.” He held out his hand, so Cole stood to shake it. “We have field offices all over,” he added as he headed for the door. “New York, Florida, Las Vegas… California,” he emphasized last with a smile. “I’d be sure to place you somewhere that…suits you well.”
Cole watched both of them walk themselves out. He allowed the words to sink in for a minute, trying to decide how to feel. He was trying to feel indifferent, trying to revert back to his old self—the one that faced everything in life objectively and without second-guessing himself.
But he couldn’t. All of his thoughts landed on the same subject every time.
Jules.
He was about to hit the shower when a knock sounded at the door. Frustrated by another intrusion, he wasn’t going to answer it, but he heard Leah’s voice call his name as she knocked again.
“What’s up with the men in black?” she asked when he opened the door. She came right into his apartment but waited for an answer.
“Just business,” Cole answered vaguely, shutting the door.
“Hopefully it’s something good?” she asked carefully.
Cole shrugged, but considered it for a moment. “Could be,” he answered. “So what brings you to the Block?”
“Would you believe me if I said I’m hanging out with Marnie tonight?” she chuckled.
“No, I don’t believe it,” he smiled, totally amused. Those two had clashed from day one but he could absolutely see why.
“Yeah, well, we’re going out with a few of her friends. Apparently I need to meet people or something,” she scoffed playfully.
“So…what brings you here?” he asked.
“Oh. Well she’s not back from work yet, so I was gonna stop by and see you anyway. Then I saw scary men in suits leave your apartment.”
Cole sat on the couch but didn’t respond.
“You’re somewhere else,” Leah observed. “What’s going on?”
He met her gaze and shrugged. “Nothing in particular. Just a few decisions I need to make.”
“About what?”
Sharing his predicament was out of his comfort zone. He hated discussing things he was torn over when they were of a personal nature.
“Just…work decisions and… I don’t know. Not sure of a few things, I guess. I hate that.”
She seemed to agree as she picked a couch and tucked her legs up underneath her.
“First of all, what do you want?” she asked. “Not to sound like I know anything at all, but I do know this: You’re always putting other people first and don’t ever consider yourself. That is really admirable for sure. You are amazing because of it. But…you really fuck yourself over sometimes, Cole. You know? For once, ask yourself what you want. Forget trying to make decisions that will benefit everyone else, okay? What do you want?”
He knew that about himself, but it kind of sucked for someone to point it out. It made him feel like he was doing everything right…except he wasn’t.
It was a fucked up position to be in.
“Cole?” she prodded. “What the hell do you want?”
Answering her out loud was going to kill him. He couldn’t even tell Julia he loved her, and here Leah was, asking him to just be honest about his personal goals in life. Why was it so hard to allow himself to let somebody in on his thoughts and feelings?
Because it made him vulnerable. It made him feel way too exposed. It wasn’t about pride. It was about putting himself in a position that allowed someone else power and influence and he just couldn’t do it. Surprise variables were expected in his line of work, but choosing to add those elements to his personal dealings was out of the question. He chose not to give anyone control over his life because so much of it had already been ripped from his grasp.
Why set himself up for something he could avoid?
“I hurt for you, Cole,” Leah said softly when he still hadn’t answered. “Do you know that? It hurts to see you so closed off and obviously unhappy lately. I know I give you a hard time about it but it’s really because I feel helpless when it comes to you. After everything that’s happened the last couple months, I feel like you’re the only person in the world that really, truly knows me. Maybe I feel like it’s a one-sided friendship and…it kinda hurts.”
He actually felt that was true. He knew so much about everyone else, but no one was allowed to know much about him. It could be unfair, but considering the fact that he was naturally a private person, it couldn’t be helped sometimes.
“I’m sorry that I’m not much of a friend to you,” he answered.
“No, it’s the opposite. You are. But you don’t let others return the favor. I understand your need for isolation, but when you do have someone that you feel you can open up to… Don’t let her go, Cole.”
She stood and came over to give him a hug. Kissing him on the cheek she whispered, “For God’s sake, don’t be a prick to yourself.”
For some reason, those words stuck with him from the time he watched her leave his apartment, throughout his shower, and the entire night he struggled to sleep.
He also had messed up dreams, like meeting Julia for the first time but she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. He couldn’t even get a date with her. She completely blew him off and walked off with another guy. Those feelings of loss and devastation made him feel like puking his guts out.
When he woke, he realized he’d only been masking the truth of what he’d done. He had never allowed himself to be pulled into that sickening reality; he’d tried to sweep it under the rug. But one moment of unconsciousness had allowed him to slip into that loss of control just long enough to comprehend what he needed to do to fix things.
If she would let him.
***
A cross-country flight was going to fucking do him in. Cole almost wished he could sedate himself the next day so he didn’t have to deal with it, but he almost felt that the misery only added to his predicament and he deserved it.
For Jules, he could suffer as much as was required.
When he finally stood on California soil, it was after nine p.m. He’d let one of his buddies know he was back in town and was given a ride from the airport. He was offered the guest room at his house, to which Cole accepted. He was going to just hit up a hotel, but the thought of someone familiar to him and the option of having a vehicle to use were appealing. He still didn’t know how he was going to face Julia when the time came, but he was going to think long and hard on it.
Or not. Maybe he’d wasted too much time “thinking.” Maybe that was his problem. He allowed too much of his mind to take over the situations that should just come naturally to him.
From the heart.
God. Yes. He actually had one. And right now it fucking hurt. He didn’t like that feeling. Julia had destroyed that last impenetrable wall of those dozen barriers he apparently had and she didn’t even know it.
He’d done his research before he came. He found out just enough to know where to find her and when. The next day, he waited outside of the restaurant where he knew she was working. It was a really nice one, right on the beach in Santa Monica. Cole chose not to go in this time, so he just waited by the car until he knew she was supposed to be done for the day.
He glanced
at his watch as he leaned against the car. It was fifteen minutes after eight and she still hadn’t come out yet. He’d never felt so impatient in his whole damn life and he was seriously debating whether or not he should go inside to find her.
But five minutes later she stepped out the side door. He was going to follow her to her car, but she saw him instantly and slowed.
Cole tried to get straight to his reason for being there, but he froze. He couldn’t help it. Just seeing her again took the air right out of him. He could picture himself moving toward her, but he knew his legs weren’t moving a single inch.
She was on her way to him, instead. Obviously out of the two of them, Julia was way more capable of not being a pussy.
She stopped right in front of him, and the only thing Cole could think about was how beautiful she was, her hair in a messy bun at her neck and her green eyes full of curiosity and surprise.
But he could also tell she was holding back some kind of emotion. She was either happy to see him or wanted to kick his ass.
Only time would tell.
“What are you doing here?” she asked softly.
“Trying to redeem what little bit of intelligence I might have left.”
She looked confused but cracked a cautious smile. “What do you mean?”
Stop thinking. Stop calculating. Stop organizing every damn thought.
Just feel.
“I wanted to apologize,” he said. “For being such an ass. For interfering with your life. For pushing you to do something I felt was right for you, even though I still feel I was right in doing so,” he added truthfully.
“What does that mean, exactly?”
He exhaled a breath. “It means you should have talked to me about your plans. It means we could have figured out something that would work. But it also means that loving someone isn’t always about compromise. It’s actually the opposite. It’s giving something up so the other person is happy. There’s a time and a place for everything, and I feel like this was your time and place,” he motioned to their surroundings.
She stared at him for several seconds before she finally nodded. “You’re right. I do feel like I should be here. But it doesn’t mean I’m completely happy with my decision. Half of me still feels empty.”