Chapter Three
I had a sleepless night. I thought about my father, mostly. Dreaming of the simple and wonderful life I had before everything got ruined. I thought about the next thirty years of my life with a cold man who wouldn’t even dare to love me. I was wide-awake still at five in the morning and I could see the sky lighten over the acres of land and I could see the pink glow of the sun shine on the tallest spire of the house and the light reflect off the window on that spire; his bedroom. I got dressed in a simple gray dress, my way of mourning the situation without being dramatic in black. I made my way downstairs, the sunlight chasing me as I took the last final steps and entered the kitchen. It was large, I could imagine large family gatherings or banquets but the vision faded as the coldness washed over me and the loneliness came rushing back once again. I prepared a plate of what I could find in his pantry, along with some fresh milk and then set the table. I didn’t know what to do with myself so I paced the kitchen, stared out the windows and wiped down the counters until I heard footsteps in the hall. “Good Morning, Connor.” I said, hoping it came out more confident-sounding than I felt. He looked me in the eyes and said nothing, then looked away and mumbled “morning”. His eyes pierced me, they were deep and intoxicating. He seemed to consider the breakfast out before him, as if deciding if I had passed his test or not. After a few moments of silence, he turned to me. “This is cold and the milk is tepid. Haven’t you ever prepared breakfast before? Worthless. I expect if you to be my wife then you must get these things right!” and he pounded his fist on the table for emphasis. He pushed back his chair and stormed out. I stood there, speechless. I had the urge to cry, the urge to run. But my sadness was quickly replaced with anger. Connor chose to marry me, he chose me, I did not choose him. My uncle had a poor reason for his resentment, but still a reason. Connor had none. I decided then and there that I would take his coldness with a grain of salt and make the best of this situation. I walked to the middle of the house and looked up at the tall ceilings, the paintings, the gas lamps and soaked it all in. This is my home now and I can make this life good. I put the dishes away and began to work on making his lunch, though he hadn’t told me when to expect him. I gazed around the vast house, he did have maids and a few farm workers but I was too scared to ask them for help. Too scared they might tell him. I had never felt so utterly alone before. I paced the kitchen and the halls, finally, I decided to go out and visit Percy. “Hello, my dear Percy!” I said, he neighed and nuzzled his face into my neck. His stable was far nicer than the ones he had known in the past. He had a warm place to sleep, plenty of hay and other horses to keep him company. I noticed Claude or Connor had put a bucket of oats in his stable this morning, too. “Are you happy here at least, old friend?” I asked. I petted him and vowed to come and see him every day though it was tempting to just ride him and go far away and never return.
Chapter Four
It has been five weeks since I arrived. Five weeks. In the time it took me to get here, I had been living in this house and the situation under his roof had not gotten better. We had fallen into a routine. At the end of week one I finally got his breakfast right. At week two, his lunch and dinner were to his satisfaction. I learned my role in his house and cleaned and did the washing, I found my place though it did not make the long days any easier. “Things will get better.” Was the mantra I told myself each day as I woke and as I went to sleep, alone in my room.
It was a sunny morning and I had grown quite tired of the big house, spending every day alone and not talking to another human being. Connor didn’t count because we said exactly four things to each other each day. “Good Morning”, “Hello” at lunch time, “Good Evening” at dinner and “Goodnight.” I worked up my courage and said, “Connor, I’d quite like to go out into town today and-” before I could finish, he cut me off. “Fine. Take your steed.” I had expected a quarrel to ensue but there wasn’t one to be had. “Lovely.” Was all I managed to say, I didn’t want him to change his mind. After he left, I made haste and I took Percy into town. It was wonderful to feel free, like a bird released from its cage for the first time in a while. The market was bustling with women and children and suddenly I felt so free. As I walked through town, I noticed women whispering to each other and giving me curt glances. Of course, I was Connor McAvoy’s bride, form what I knew of him he was on paper, an eligible bachelor and some girl from the east took him away. I ignored them, I wasn’t going to let anyone take this beautiful day away from me. I moved towards the scent of apples and saw bushels of bright red shining up at me from barrels but then they were obscured, blocked by a woman. She was petite, with a mess of curly brown hair. She wore a bright yellow dress and spoke as loudly as her dress. “Thank you Mr. Potter, your apples are always the best in town!” As she turned around, she noticed me, “Why the new Mrs. McAvoy?” I was surprised she was so forward with me, I had no response. “You are her, aren’t you? You see, we don’t get many newcomers around here.” She was looking at me, her smile big and wide, waiting for a response. “Yes, I’m Adaline.” I said. “Well, it is a pleasure to meet you, dear.” She took me by the crook of my arm and we began walking away from the apples. “I’m Sarah Waters, married to Alexander Waters. I live pretty close to where you live, a five- minute ride away by horse. I’ve been to your property of course because I was friends with Connor before the war, you see. I’ve known him a long time.” I nodded. I couldn’t imagine Connor having any friends, I actually had never thought about it. She stopped and faced me, taking my hands in hers. “You see, I had an arranged marriage too. I’m from the south, which is even more different than the west is to the east, where you’re from. I know it must be hard, especially with what happened to Connor but it will be ok.” And she gave me another big smile. What does she mean what happened to Connor? I didn’t want to ask because how silly, I should know this, right? I didn’t want her to know Connor and I never spoke. “How come I haven’t seen you before now?” I asked her. “I’ve been traveling, went with my husband on a trip to see his mother.” We continued walking and she continued talking. I felt so at ease with her that I couldn’t take it any longer and I said, “Sarah, since you’ve known him so long, I must be honest with you. Our relationship has been…strained. He won’t talk to me; he barely looks at me. I don’t know what I did, but I don’t know how to fix it.” My eyes were wet with tears and they pleaded with her for an answer. “Oh, my dear! You poor thing!” she put her arm around my shoulders and led me to a quiet bench in the park. “Listen, I’m sorry he is acting this way. Believe me when I say there is a good man inside him. I know he can have a temper and his past, well, it hasn’t been easy. I will let him discuss that with you himself but be firm with him but patient. He’ll come around.” She gave me a hug, “I better be getting on, but I’ll see you again soon.” She strolled away, her bright dress swaying in the sun. For the first time, I felt hopeful.
I forgot about my errands and ended up strolling around the park, wrapping my mind around Connor having such a vivacious friend as Sarah. I sat on a bench and tried to imagine him laughing, seeing a light in his eyes and it was impossible. I had never seen him smile. Firm but patient. I had not tried that tactic, rather being submissive and timid and that wasn’t working. With a new-found courage, I headed back to Percy and back home.
Chapter Five
The evening continued uneventfully and the morning after that. How was I to be firm with him when there was little to be firm about? At lunch though, I had my chance. He came home later than usual and in a rotten mood. He stormed in and sat at the table and complained when his food had grown cold. I took my moment. “Enough, Connor. Quite enough.” I said sternly. He looked bewildered and I took a second of enjoyment before I continued. “I am your wife. You chose me, I did not choose you, remember this. Though circumstances out of my control brought us together I will not tolerate to be treated like a slave or rather less than a slave, like a burden, some unwanted shell in this house. If y
ou can’t respect that then you can find a different wife.” Without knowing what to do next I walked towards the front door, swung it open and went out towards the orchard. My eyes were hot with tears, what had I done? I wasn’t expecting to threaten him like that but my patience was worn thin. I was lost in thought, unsure of what I had just done or what the consequences could be. “Oh no, my uncle.” I said aloud as I realized ruining this marriage could mean going back to my uncle and then I would really be in trouble. I began to sob harder when I heard my name being called out by Connor. “Adaline, Adaline, where are you?” His voice was coming out long and loud and I was really hearing it for the first time. “Adaline!” it sounded desperate and pleading. My instinct was to hide but he knew these orchard’s better than I and quickly he was upon me. “Adaline. There you are.” I looked up at him and took one step back, he flinched slightly but didn’t make a move to come closer. “All I want to do is talk to you.” “Are you alright with that, Adaline?” I am taken aback by his question. He is asking me for permission? His voice was soft and gentle, like he was approaching a wild animal, wanting it to trust him. This is a first. “Yes, I’m alright with that.” I say, after a pause. “Please then, let’s walk.” Connor motions for me to continue down the path and he walks alongside me, keeping a generous space between us. The silence is throbbing between us; I’m imagining scenarios where he asks me to leave. Imagining me going back east. “Adaline, I came to find you to tell you that I’m sorry for my behavior these last few weeks, it has been inexcusable.” I stop in my tracks and turn to face him, to let him continue. “You see, while my actions were not ideal and were not welcoming to you, there is a reason behind it, one in which I will not speak of yet but I will say I am not used to trusting women and I don’t warm up as easily as I used to.” I wanted to ask him why he chose a wife if he wasn’t open to women, but I knew this must be a big step for him. “Water under the bridge”, I said and I offered him a small smile. “But I just can’t be treated that way anymore.” He nodded, he gave me a small smile back. We walked again in silence, but this time the space between us was smaller and full of a little more hope. We circled back around the orchard and he said, “Come, have lunch with me.” I looked up at him, “I’ll warm it up for you right away.” I said. He let out a small laugh, “I suppose I meant that I would like you to eat with me.” “Oh” I chuckled, “Well, I’m sure by now it will need to be warmed up anyway.” I smiled. “I am sorry for getting angry with you, Adaline.” I nodded, and turned with him to walk back to the house. We began to talk, small talk at first then I got brave and teased him about how he acted towards me on the first day. He put his hands over his face and let out a slight laugh, but his face got a bit flushed. I didn’t want to press too much; I didn’t want to ruin this. As he began to tell me more about the property, I was able to size him up while he talked and looked off over the hills. He was certainty in fine shape, his hands and neck tan from the sun. He had a chiseled jaw line and dark wavy brown hair, thick and luscious enough to run my fingers through it. I thought he would be able to lift me and throw me over his shoulder in one big swooping motion if he needed to. I felt my chest get flushed with thoughts of him taking me over, thoughts of his strong arms holding me. I began to daydream when I realized he was asking me a question. “Adaline?” “Oh, I’m sorry, this heat has me a bit light-headed.” I lied. “Oh, we’re almost inside and I’ll get you some water.” He placed his hand lightly on my arm, then my hand and gave it a small squeeze. “What were you saying, I’m sorry I-”” Oh, I had just asked if you might like to go into town together on Sunday.” I lit up. “Of course, that would be lovely.”
Chapter Six
Walking back to the house, I am filled with a lightness I had not felt before. I think I could call it hope that I felt, hope that put an ever so small spring in my step. We made small talk, “What were your parents like?” “You hate okra?” “Your middle name is James?” “You like long walks and reading under the stars, too?” Our banter was interrupted by Sarah, who had been waiting at the door. “Hi! I’ve been knocking and knocking and well goodness if I didn’t just see you two walking together and smiling real big!” she gave me a quick wink and continued, “I hope I’m not bothering ya’ll but I wanted to come by for a visit and see how you were doing and why Connor I haven’t seen you in months!” Connor looked slightly confused since Sarah hadn’t introduced herself to me. She noticed it too and interjected, “Well, that’s right, Adaline and I met the other day, at the market! I was very forward and went right on up to her and introduced myself!” She laughed and put her arm around my back and pulled me close to her for a brief side-hug. Connor’s face relaxed and it all seemed to come together for him. After a pause where none of us knew what to say next, I blurted out “Well, please Sarah, come in!” Before I could think about it, I turned and swung our front door open. Sarah followed in and Connor behind her. “Oh, were you all having lunch?” His plate was on the table still, a fork on the plate, the knife on the table, like it had been slammed down, it was off-kilter. The chair was pushed back and his cloth napkin on the ground. Evidence of what I hoped we could call our previous life. There was a flash of recognition from Sarah’s face but it quickly disappeared. “Well, how about my husband and I come by later and we can all have dinner together? That was my motive for coming over anyway, getting you two to share a nice meal with us.” Connor beamed, “Yes, Sarah, that will be lovely.” “Wonderful!” she clapped her hands together and gave me another wink. “Goodbye, then, I will leave you to your meal!” “I’ll let myself out!” she yelled as she left. “Unconventional but very funny woman.” I said and Connor cracked a smile, then a laugh, then a very big belly laugh and I caught the bug too and soon we were both in stitches. “So you’ve met the illustrious, Sarah?” he finally said. “I have, yes, she was very forward with me and wanted to be my friend.” “Yes, she is a great friend and would be good for you. Her husband is a respected man and someone I am proud to open my home too. I think the dinner together will be grand.” With that, I sat down and had lunch with my husband for the very first time. As I looked across at him, my mind again went to thoughts of him, thoughts of his touch. As unsure as I was about how our relationship would progress, I was still a girl sitting across from a very handsome man. I wanted to kiss him, but when?
Connor had been gone to work for a couple of hours now. I cleaned up the house and was excited for company and to meet Sarah’s husband. I was still elated from the afternoon so I was getting ready in my best dress. It had been my mother’s. It was deep purple with white lace. I felt like royalty. I put on make-up for the first time in weeks. Rice powder to brighten my skin, beeswax dyed with flower petals on my lips and cheeks. I brushed and curled my hair. When I was finished, it was getting dark and I knew Connor would be home soon. He had one of his maids make dinner, I was grateful for that because while I had learned to cook from Aunt Rebeccah, I still lacked the skills to prepare a dinner for guests. I heard the front door and I walked to the top of the stairs, holding a candle in my hands. “Adaline?” he asked, peering up at me. I began to walk down the stairs, the fabric of my dress making gentle noises behind me as I moved. He stepped forward and met me on the third step. He sucked in his breath and took me in with his eyes. My breasts tight and accentuated by my corset. I saw his eyes stop there and then move to my neck, my hair, my eyes. His face was very close to mine. I felt his hot breath meeting mine in the air. I could really look at him this way, his full lips, his deep-set eyes, his perfect skin. “You look breathtaking.” He whispered and leaned in like he was going to kiss me on the lips. I was frozen. I had never been kissed. But he moved slightly and kissed me tenderly on the cheek. I felt blood rush to my head and down to other parts of my body, I was flushed. He took my hand and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles and led me the rest of the way down the stairs. The table had been set, the food smelled wonderful and a big bouquet of fresh flowers stood tall in the center. “Our guests will be
here soon.” I said. “Let’s sit.” Connor replied, taking a seat next to mine. He couldn’t stop looking at me. I felt my breath keep quickening, heat spread between my legs. There was a knock at the door, the maid went to answer it. I stood and straightened my dress. “Darling, you look exquisite!” Sarah said. She looked beautiful too, in a warm navy dress, her cheeks rosy pink and her hair piled high atop her head. “Charmed to meet you, Mrs. McAvoy, I’m Charles Waters.” He was a shorter man, but handsome. He carried himself well and looked older than I thought he would. His hair was graying, receding slightly but his eyes twinkled when he spoke. The men went into the library to have a pre-dinner bourbon and Sarah and I went into the kitchen. “I am so sorry interrupted today but goodness was I happy to see you smiling with Connor!” I couldn’t help but smile, “Yes, your advice worked. I think we could be onto something really good.” I gave her a wink this time and we made our way to have our first pleasant dinner as husband and wife. We all sat and talked and Sarah and Connor told tales of their childhood before the war. I have never laughed so hard in all my life. During one very funny story, Connor grabbed my hand from under the table and held it. I responded by moving my feet nearer to him, allowing our bodies to touch. I was elated and a lot had to do with him and Sarah but also the wine in which I was not used to drinking so much of. After many hours, the candles were low and the dark covered our home like a cloth. “We better go” Sarah’s husband said, standing up and pulling out her chair. “Yes, my it is quite late but what a splendid time it was!” She came around the table and pulled me close, “Have fun tonight, my dear. You two really look so wonderful together.” She squeezed me tight. We said our good-byes and the maid came in to finish cleaning. “I’m afraid I’m a bit tipsy.” I said as I stumbled. Connor let out a big laugh. “Are you not used to drinking wine?” he chuckled. “Not entirely.” He wrapped his arm around me and in one motion, I was in his arms, just as I had imagined being. My face was close to his, I could smell the liquor on his breath. Our noses were practically touching as he carried me up the stairs. “I’m not too much for you, am I?” I joked. “Light as a feather!” and he pretended to grunt and breath like I weighed as much as horse. I let out a big laugh and squeezed him tighter. When we got upstairs he carried me over the threshold of the bedroom and laid me gently on the bed. He slipped off the shoes from my feet and ran his hands over them. I was sitting up, resting on my elbows, looking at him. I wanted him to kiss me so badly. He moved in a bit closer to me, “Are you going to be alright?” he said. I pleaded internally for him to suggest I sleep in his room. I wanted to be close to him but instead I said, “Yes, yes, I will be ok.” He went across the room and poured me a glass of water from the pitcher. I gulped it down. “Will we still go into town tomorrow?” I asked him. “Yes, yes we will.” He said and kissed me on the top of my head, lingering longer than one would usually. I let my hand rest on his chest as he did so, he took note of this and placed his hand on mine. “I think this is the beginning of something quite good, Connor.” I offered him, letting the guise of too much wine let me say what I wanted. “I think it is too, Adaline.” He lips parted like he wanted to say more. “Yes?” I said. “I want to kiss you; I want to be with you like a husband.” he began. I felt my heart flutter. “But I am not there yet, I don’t want to rush this or rush you.” I started to protest but he stopped me. “You are drunk on wine and tonight would not be appropriate.” I frowned. “Get some rest and we will have a wonderful day tomorrow.” He kissed me on the cheek. “Goodnight, my wife.” He said and closed the door behind him. “Goodnight” I said quietly to myself. I was flushed with wine and felt very aroused. I got undressed and into my night garments. I went under the covers and suddenly didn’t feel very sleepy at all. I let my fingers trail down my body as I thought of him. I let my hands graze my breasts, my stomach, my thighs. “Was I ready for him to explore my body?” I thought, “Yes, I was and I will make sure it happens.” With that confident thought, I quickly fell into a deep slumber.
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