I turned towards him and tried to answer, but my throat tightened each time I attempted words. I nodded my head at him.
Yes, I’m okay, I’m alright. Just something huge flew into my eyes, I thought as I blinked and wiped at my tears.
But then Brent did the worst thing anyone could do. He hugged me. I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I couldn’t fight back the tears that had been waiting to break past the dam I built up. I clung to the lapels of Brent’s jacket as all those years of stuffed down emotions flooded out of me. I was so consumed by my feelings I didn't realize I was spilling everything out for Brent to hear.
Five Years Ago
“Tomorrow’s the big day,” I said excitedly.
Marc and I walked down the hall side by side. As he walked, he responded to a text with a small smile. He laughed before typing more as his dark hair fell onto his forehead.
Everything was going to be perfect. We had just left the rehearsal dinner we put together for the twenty people coming to our wedding. I felt bad not being able to invite everyone we knew, but having a beach wedding on Avalon Island was so expensive we had to limit the invites.
When Marc and I first started planning the wedding, he told me about a perfect spot on Avalon Island. He said that was where we needed to get married and I agreed. It was a beautiful place. Originally, we wanted to get married as the sun set into the Pacific Ocean, but Marc changed his mind so we were going to have a morning wedding.
Avalon was just off the coast of Canyon Cove, but it was only accessible through boat or helicopter. We took the hour-long boat ride with our closest family and friends to get married and spend the weekend before Marc and I left for our honeymoon.
I waited patiently for Marc to say something. In the months before the wedding, he had become quieter, almost withdrawn. Whenever I asked him if there was something wrong, he said I was being overly sensitive and nothing was wrong with him. But he was on his phone more and sometimes when I went to bed early, I’d wake up and hear him talking in the other room. I didn’t know who he was talking to, but I trusted him.
As we reached my room, Marc’s brow furrowed as he looked at me.
“I’m sorry, did you say something?” he asked.
“It’s okay, it was nothing important,” I said as I unlocked the door.
“Okay, well I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“The big day,” I said grinning.
“Yup, the big day.” He said matter-of-factly. “You know I think this separate room thing is ridiculous.”
“It’s just for one night.”
“We sleep together every night. We own a house together. Why can’t we stay together tonight?”
“It’s bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding.”
“Give me a break,” he said. “You don’t really believe that, do you? What could possibly happen?”
I shrugged. “Struck by lightning? Or maybe you’ll change your mind.”
He tilted his head to the side and smiled.
“We’re getting married tomorrow, why would I change my mind about that?” he said.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, but he ignored it.
“Then you can wait just one more night,” I said as I shooed him away from the door. “We’ve been together for five years, and tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives together.”
He groaned and rolled his eyes.
“I knew you’d love that,” I said with a laugh.
“Fine,” he said with a sigh. “I’ll sleep all by myself in my little hotel room while you enjoy this suite.” He looked into the room. “That looks much more comfortable than mine.”
“You’ll be here tomorrow night,” I said.
His phone buzzed again and he looked at his watch.
“It’s almost midnight,” he said. “I guess I should get out of here before you turn into a pumpkin or lose your shoe or something.”
I nodded. “Yes, go.”
With a playful push, he left the room.
* * *
Where is he?
I peeked out the sheer curtains. Through the window I could make out the sand-covered platform we would stand on to take our vows. Everyone was casually dressed, just as we requested. I didn’t see the point in them getting all dressed up for a casual beach wedding. It was something Marc and I disagreed about, but he caved in. The only thing we asked was that they wouldn’t wear something blue.
On a trip to Puerto Rico several months ago, Marc found a pale blue guayabera shirt with embroidered palm trees. I wasn’t crazy about it, but he loved it and wanted to wear it for the wedding. I thought he could be my something blue and agreed to it.
Samantha came up behind me and gingerly put her hand on my shoulder. The warmth of her hand on my dress’s lace sleeve comforted me but worried me at the same time. Even though I knew the answer, I still had to ask.
“Have you heard anything?” I asked.
Samantha was pretty in a pale yellow dress that made her hair look coppery. As I searched her eyes for an answer, a pained look flashed across her face before she shook her head.
“He’s probably just running late,” she said.
I shook my head at Sam. “The wedding was supposed to start an hour ago. Marc is never late.”
A knock at the door made us turn around. I hurried over and swung the door open hoping to see Marc. Instead it was his best friend, Paul.
“Anything?” I blurted out as he entered the room.
Paul’s brows knitted together as his mouth hung open just a little.
“Just say it,” I said. “Just spit it out.”
“He’s still not answering his phone. I went to the front desk and they said he checked out early this morning and left on the 5am boat back to the mainland,” he said.
“What? Why? Did something happen? Was there an emergency?” I asked. “His family is here, his friends are here, why would he leave?”
“I...I don’t know,” he stammered, unable to look me in the eye. “But they gave me this.”
Paul handed me a small envelope with my name on it. I opened it and unfolded the ivory hotel stationary. I recognized Marc’s handwriting immediately.
Jackie,
I can’t do this. Don’t hate me. I’m sorry.
Love,
Marc
I stared at the words on the paper and read them over again. No matter how many times I read them, they didn’t make sense.
“I have to get home,” I said. “He must have gone home.”
“I’ll go outside and tell everyone,” Samantha said softly.
I blinked at her as I made sense of her words. Nothing was connecting for me. I didn’t understand what happened, but I must have done something. Maybe I should have let him stay the night in the suite. Maybe we’d be married by now.
“No, they came here for us, for our wedding. I should tell them.”
“Are you sure?” Paul asked. “They’ll understand if it comes from someone else.”
“No, I should do this,” I said.
As I left the room, Samantha caught up to me.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“I’m fine,” I said.
I wasn’t. Inside, my heart felt like it was trapped in a vise grip, but I didn’t have time to think about how awful I felt. I had to get back home.
I didn’t know what happened, but the quicker I could leave that island the better. Marc had to be at home. I would find him and we’d talk about this. We had been together for five years, and if he wasn’t ready to get married, that was fine. I could wait.
* * *
Everything that happened after reading Marc’s note was a blur. I told everyone that Marc rushed home for an emergency. It was the only thing that made sense to me. I couldn’t tell them that the wedding was off. They were smart enough to figure that out themselves.
I turned away from the pity in their eyes. I shrugged away from the embraces of comfort. I could keep it together if no one
touched me so I avoided them all. I left as quickly as I could to pack and caught the next boat back.
Samantha wanted to come with me, but I told her I needed to see Marc by myself. On the boat, I sat alone on a bench and watched the seagulls as they stole food from unsuspecting passengers. I checked my phone for any new messages and tried Marc’s number again. Nothing.
My mind raced.
Is he sick?
Did the kennel call?
Did our house catch fire?
Did he stop loving me??
I shoved that last one all the way in the back of a dark closet in my mind. I didn’t want to think about it. I couldn’t. I needed to keep it together and give him the benefit of the doubt. He said he loved me. He didn’t want to sleep without me last night. That had to count for something.
As soon as the boat docked, I jumped into the nearest taxi and gave the driver our address. I didn’t see Marc’s car in the driveway, but that didn’t mean anything.
Maybe he went to pick up the dog.
Maybe he went to pick me up at the dock.
Maybe he’s gone.
I shoved that thought away as I fumbled with the lock on the front door. It finally clicked and pushed the door open, hoping to find Marc smiling at me like he did whenever I came home.
The house was empty. The furniture was gone. My stomach dropped and churned and I couldn’t catch my breath. I thought I was going to be sick, but I shoved that into the closet with the other thoughts and feelings I didn’t want to deal with.
I raced through the house. Everything was gone except for our bedroom. The bed was made and everything in that one room looked just like I left it. It made the emptiness of the house that much worse.
As my chest began to ache I looked at the dresser. I knew what wasn’t in the drawers. I knew what was missing from the closet. I didn’t have to look. I knew Marc was gone.
My mind went blank. I tried to figure out what happened, where he went, why he would do something like this.
If he was unhappy why didn’t he just talk to me?
But I didn’t want to deal with the thoughts spinning in my mind. I swallowed hard as I pushed back everything into that closet that was getting too crowded in the back of my head and pulled my shoulders back.
I don’t need him.
I don’t need anyone.
I can take care of myself.
Footsteps echoed in the foyer and I rushed out of the bedroom.
“Marc?” I called out.
“No, dear, it’s me,” said Mrs. Lean, our neighbor. “This old house looks so much bigger when it’s empty. Did you sell it? I didn’t even know you were moving.”
“Neither did I,” I said.
“Oh dear. And isn’t today...” Her forehead wrinkled and she tilted her head away from me.
She feels bad for me. That’s the same look everyone had at the wedding.
She hugged herself, wrapping her thick arms around her floral housecoat as she looked around the empty room.
“You don’t have to stay,” I said. “It’s okay.”
“I saw him this morning with that friend of yours,” she said.
“Friend?” I asked, confused.
“Oh dear,” she muttered, “I knew she wasn’t your friend.” She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “Pretty thing with wavy blonde hair, sound familiar?”
She waited for me to answer and as I closed my eyes, I sighed and nodded yes.
“Marc got a new assistant a few months ago,” I said. “Ginny. She giggled every time I called. I thought she was just a ditz, but I guess she was just laughing at how stupid I am.”
“You’re not stupid, dear. You were in love. Although love does make us stupid,” she said with a gentle smile. “They would come here for lunch. I ran into them once or twice and he told me she was your friend. I wanted to say something to you, but I kept telling myself it was none of my business. I’m sorry.”
I thought about how many times I had asked Marc to meet me during lunch so we could finalize our wedding plans, but he was always busy. Ginny.
Fucking Ginny.
“Wait a second,” I said. “I know where she lives.”
I ran to the garage and lifted the door. Mrs. Lean followed me, looking excited.
“What are you going to do?” she asked.
“I don’t know. But he can’t just leave like this. And on our wedding day too. I’m going to give them both a piece of my mind. He can’t treat me like this.”
“Go get him,” she said as she pumped her wrinkled fist in the air.
I drove frantically to her apartment on the other side of town. I ran through stop signs, I made illegal turns, I didn’t care. I needed to get there as quickly as I could.
Was he moving in?
Where they getting a place together?
Were they going to get married?
I opened my mind’s closet door and tossed that last one in before quickly closing it. I didn’t need any of those things to start tumbling out now.
As I pulled up I thought of all the great things I would say to Marc. I thought about how I wasn’t going to cry. I was going to show him that he couldn’t break me, he couldn’t destroy me. I was going to be just fine without him.
A U-Haul was parked in front of her apartment. As she carried out a lamp, Marc appeared from inside the truck, took the lamp, and gave her a kiss.
It wasn’t a sweep-her-off-her-feet kind of kiss, just a sweet peck on the lips. But it stopped me dead in my tracks. I stood frozen to the sidewalk, maybe a hundred feet from them, but they didn’t see me. They were in their own little world.
I didn’t know how long I stood there, but each time she handed him something, he did something sweet. A kiss. A smile. A lingering touch of his hand.
He’s in love with her.
These were all the little things I wished for from him. Things I had spoken to him about, but was told he wasn’t that kind of guy. He didn’t think of it, it wasn’t part of him, he would never be that cuddly, physical man.
But he is for her.
As he closed up the U-Haul and gave Ginny a big hug, I realized he was wearing the blue shirt he bought for our wedding.
My chest ached. It felt like Marc had reached inside and was squeezing everything out of my heart. I hugged myself as I realized tears had been rolling down my cheeks.
No! Not now.
I didn't want to deal with this. I didn’t want these emotions. I refused to cry and feel sorry for myself.
I am strong.
I am independent.
I am broken.
I shoved that last one under the closet door in my mind. I would never allow anyone to see that.
Present Day
I wiped my eyes as I finally calmed down, woozy and out of breath. My chest still ached, but I knew I was going to be alright. Brent led me down the hall to a small alcove with a couch.
He kept his arm around my shoulders as we sat down, holding me close. He must have had a ton of questions, but he didn’t say or ask me anything and I was grateful for that.
I didn’t know if I could talk about it yet. I had spent so long hiding my feelings about it, stuffing them away into the darkest corner in my mind, trying to be strong, that I didn’t realize how much Marc had really hurt me.
As I breathed in deep, I thought about Marc smiling happily with his bride. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to think of her as a bitch for breaking us up, but I knew it wasn’t her fault. Our relationship had problems and for Marc she was the solution.
Fucking Ginny.
He loved her so much that they renewed their vows within a year of their marriage. I couldn’t even get him to show up to our wedding.
I held onto all of that for so long, I thought it was part of me. I thought I was destined to never be happy. I believed I’d have to keep stuffing down my feelings because no one would ever care.
It took seeing Marc married for me to realize what happened wasn’t my fau
lt. Maybe it wasn’t even his fault. Despite what I wanted to believe for all these years, Marc and I didn't work as a couple. There was never any passion there.
All my tears opened my eyes to the pain I kept inside all those years. Shutting it away didn’t do anything but hold me in the past. Now that I let it out I felt ready to move forward. I was ready to think about a life that wasn’t tainted by my memories of Marc.
Leaning forward, I rested my elbows on my knees and covered my face with my hands. I didn’t want him seeing me with my red face and puffy eyes. Brent’s hand gently stroked my back. I peeked at him from the corner of my eye and he smoothed my escaping hair back behind my ear.
I thought about all the time I spent hating him, but that was a lie. It had nothing to do with Brent or anything he did, it was me. I hated that Brent made me feel vulnerable. I hated that I loved spending time with him. I hated that by his being nothing like Marc or Dennis, he reminded me of how bad my past relationships really were and how much I deserved better. But mostly, I hated that I was falling in love with him.
Brent had become the one man in my life who I could count on. He never made me feel bad. If anything he always seemed to know how to make me feel better. And whether it was fate or his uncanny timing, he was always there whenever I needed someone the most.
“Why are you here?” I asked. “Why are you always here? Whenever I've needed someone lately, somehow you just show up.”
“Because from the first moment I saw you, I knew you needed someone. I want to be that someone,” he said.
“You just want sex,” I said, forcing a laugh.
“Stop it, Jackie.” He knelt down in front of me so I had no choice but to look at him. “I’ve been doing whatever I can to be with you. You have no idea how much I hate these events, but I will go to one every night of the week if it means I get to spend a few minutes with you.”
I shook my head and hid my face in my hands again.
“You’re crazy,” I said.
“Crazy for you.”
“And you’re cheesy too.”
Love to Hate You Page 8