After a minute or two he lets me go. His jaw is tight and his smile is gone. He has pulled on his carefully controlled mask to hide his true emotions. I know it is for his protection as well as to show me he is all right without me. I know he doesn’t want to startle me. I almost go back to him but I can’t yet. At least I can admit there might be a future there and I know he wants one. That has played heavily on my mind. I was so afraid that I had pushed him away one too many times.
“I had better leave you to your journal and to prepare for bed,” Bast says.
“You know me well,” I say as I take his hand. “Thank you for letting me care for you for once. Please go feed right away. I’ll go to sleep troubled knowing you are in pain.”
“I’ll leave now. That way you can know that I will be mending by the time you fall asleep, ma petite. Rest easy,” he says and then he leans down and kisses each of my eyelids. He’s disappears in a blur, leaving me a bit shaken. So many emotions floating around in me.
I go to my closet and choose a silk gown. Grabbing my journal from the bedside table I climb into the bed and burrow down. The words start to pour out like they have every night since I was turned. It’s my connection to my humanity. It keeps me grounded. Now it is also my homework for Sophie. It’s going to be hard to let her read this because this is the one place I am completely honest with myself.
Dawn is drawing near and I need to put my journal and pen away so I don’t wreck my sheets, again with spilled ink. Just before I go to sleep my phone buzzes. It’s a text from Mark.
Good night, Lily. See you tonight, beautiful. – Mark
Right after Mark I get a text from Sebastian.
Ma petite, I wanted to let you rest easy and let you know that I fed and already feel much stronger. The rib feels bruised not broken now. Thank you for taking care of me tonight. It meant more than you know. I’ll be there when you wake.–Sebastian
Sebastian’s text makes me feel better and I smile thinking about him just before I fall asleep.
When I wake he knocks on my door. I can smell his amazing scent from the other side.
“Come in, Bast,” I say.
He walks in carrying a vase full of lovely wild flowers. They are delicate in whites and lavenders. They smell incredible. I believe there are sweet peas among the beauties.
“Lily, these are for you. I tried to find something that reminded me of what you smell like, but I couldn’t even come close. I thought you would enjoy their scent all the same.”
“That was so thoughtful, thank you, Bast. Please put them on the table under the stained glass windows,” I say. I sit up fully and clasp my hands in front of me. Sebastian puts the flowers where I suggested and then takes the chair next to my bed.
“What are your plans for the day, ma cherie?”
“I have an appointment with Sophie in about two hours, and then I have a dinner appointment tonight.”
“With Mark?”
“Yes. I know you don’t like him, but he is trying to be just my friend. And I really need that now. Especially since Aidan has decided to be so distant,” I say. I recognize the hollow feeling it leaves in me to say this out loud.
“I’m trying not to interfere, but please be cautious of Mark. Please. I feel it would be my fault if I didn’t warn you and something happened,” he says as he looks down at his fisted hands. I lean over and place my small hand over his large ones. I hear his intake of breath at the skin on skin contact. He looks up at me with a dark heat.
“Sebastian, I know you feel responsible for me still. It’s one of the things I struggle with. It’s time I took care of myself. I need to. I have to grow up, Sebastian, and that means making my own mistakes if I am going to make them,” I say with a tight smile.
“It goes against every protective instinct in me, Lily. I’m trying very hard. But I respect your wishes. Promise me something though, promise me you will call me if ever you get into something you can’t get out of and need help.”
“I promise, Bast,” I say. I secretly cross my fingers. My new mission in life is not to be the damsel in distress. I vow silently to myself right here and now not to have to call on Sebastian.
Sebastian relaxes and I feel a little guilty for lying to him.
“Thank you, ma petite.” He kisses my hand then leans over and kisses my cheek. I let out a little sound out. Between his fresh scent and his closeness, I can’t help it. He pulls away with a knowing look. Dammit.
He raises an eyebrow, indicating if I am up for it he is too.
“No, go now. I have to get ready for my appointment, you naughty man.” He chuckles to himself as he leaves the room.
I get out of bed and the first thing I do is go over and smell the flowers. They smell so good and look gorgeous with the dappled lighting coming in from the stained glass windows. I slip out of my silk night gown and toss it into the hamper making my way to the bathroom. Turning the water on hot, I think about the showers that Sebastian and I have shared. We never got to try this one out. This entire suite was designed for us as a wedding present. It makes me sad as I climb into the steamy spray. I wash up quickly and finish the rest of my morning rituals including brushing and flossing the fangsters. When I’m done I walk into my closet to pick out a short striped dress with long sleeves. It fits snuggly and I pair it with knee high flat boots.
I enter the library just in time to hear Helena get off the phone with Hannah, my best friend. My vampire hearing allows me hear Hannah is pissed at me. She’s been in Hell on her baby checkup appointment and Helena must have filled her in on my latest screw-up. Great.
“Hannah is coming over today. Between your appointment and kickboxing. Remember since we are in the intermediate class the schedule is different and we have it again tonight.” I pull a face. “That’s not a problem is it,” Helena asks, raising her eyebrows.
“No, it will just take some creative rescheduling on my part. No problem. I’m excited about the class,” I say and mean it. I want to learn how to kick ass properly.
“Good. I’ll drive you to your appointment in case you need someone to drive you home afterwards,” Helena says.
“Thanks, Helena,” I say.
Aidan pops in, surprising us.
“I still got it,” he says and laughs. It’s infectious and I giggle too. “Helena, could I speak to Lilith alone, please?”
“Sure, Aidan. I’ll just see what Julian is up to.”
“Lilith, I don’t know how to say this.” Aidan is uncharacteristically anxious. I don’t think I’ve seen him like this before.
“Just spit it out, Aidan. You’re killing me here.”
“I’ve found someone. Her name is Manda.”
“Who is she,” I ask.
“She’s a model.”
“You know, you men and your models. I’m starting to get self-conscious,” I say avoiding the bigger hurt.
“You have no need to feel that way. You are truly beautiful, Lilith. Inside and out.”
“Yet you’ve met someone who appeals to you more?”
“I wouldn’t say more. But yes, I like her a lot. I’m having very conflicting thoughts about this whole situation. You seem to be happy with Sebastian. I’ve been a third wheel from the beginning. It’s hard. I think I may have found my wheel.” His voice and face show his turmoil and hope at the same time.
“I’m so sorry, Aidan. I know I’ve been unfair…”
“Shh… Lilith, I put myself there and even encouraged it. I haven’t been fair to you. I’m sorry about that. If I hadn’t pushed you in New Orleans, we might not be in such a mess now. Both a shell of what we are.”
“No! I wanted New Orleans as much as you did, Aidan. It is what it is. Please don’t regret it or I will feel cheap and dirty.”
“There is nothing that I regret about New Orleans, Lilith. It was the most exquisite night of my existence. I will cherish it and you forever,” he says hoarsely.
“I will too.”
“Good. But where
do go from here?” he asks.
“We strive to be the best kind of people we can. We fill ourselves and the world with love. That’s all we can do, Aidan. Right?”
“Right, love.” He smiles at me, regaining some of his confidence. “I think that you’ve found that with Sebastian.”
“Perhaps. I’ve always loved him. I never stopped. I’ve just been confused.”
“That’s my fault. I can’t say I wouldn’t have done anything differently, though.”
“Me either.” I take his hand and squeeze it. “Now what about, Manda?”
“She makes me laugh and I feel peace around her. I’m happy when I’m with her.”
“Then you should be with her. Explore your relationship, Aidan. With my blessing, if you needed that.”
“I did. Thank you, my love. I want to introduce you in a few minutes if you are up to it.”
“I am. I can’t say it won’t be difficult. But I would like to meet her.”
“Okay, I’ll pop over and get her. Just remember, Lilith, I will always love you,” he says so earnestly. He leaves then with a caress to my cheek.
The doorbell rings and I hear Andrew and Aidan come down the hall. I also smell a human. Her sweet scent reminds me that I need to feed. I look at Sebastian and he is furious. The anger emanating from him is palpable. I don’t understand it until I look over and see Aidan walk in with a beautiful girl holding his hand and who, like his heart, is lit up from the inside.
18 LILITH
I quickly hide my pain. I don’t want Aidan seeing how he affects me. He must see some of it because he stumbles and his smile tones down a notch. He slips his arm around the girl. She is dressed in a faded pair of jeans and a designer shirt. A pair of NIKEs on her feet. A very easy going outfit yet stylish. Aidan is wearing a retro tee and jeans and NIKEs too. I haven’t seen him so relaxed for a long time. The beautiful woman is radiating adoration at him yet she is not the groupie type. It’s easy to see they are very well suited and happy together.
“Lilith, I’d like you to meet Manda. Manda, this is Lilith Goodwill, she is a good friend of mine,” Aidan says.
I choke back a sob and cover my mouth and eyes with one hand. Is that all I am? A good friend? I’ve saved his life. I’ve savored his body. He’s held me while my life shattered around me. I can’t deal with this in front of Manda.
I feel Sebastian put his hands on my waist and I instantly realize that I don’t want to depend on him to make me feel better. I do appreciate his strength. I straighten myself and shake Manda’s hand.
“How do you do, Manda.” I remember where I’ve seen her. “I loved your work with Ralph Lauren.”
“Thank you, Lilith,” she says. She’s looking between Aidan and me like she is missing something but has better manners than to say anything.
“Please call me Lily, only Aidan calls me Lilith. I find it so formal,” I say.
Manda smiles a smile that truly lights up the room. “Thank you, Lily.”
Sebastian squeezes my waist and kisses my head.
“If you all would excuse me. I have an appointment and if I don’t leave now, I’ll be late.”
“I’ll take you, Lilith. I wanted a moment to talk to you anyway,” Aidan says.
“No, Aidan, you’ve said everything that needs to be said and this appointment is of a personal nature. Thank you anyway. Are you ready, Helena?” I ask. I ignore Aidan’s hurt look as I walk out of the room. I hear Helena’s heels following me. I also hear Manda ask Aidan what isn’t he telling her about me. Good for her. She deserves the truth. I had warning but it still hurt to see them together. I don’t know where it is coming from.
Once we get in the car, I start to shake. Helena gathers me in her arms. I realize we really are going to be late.
“Helena we’re going to be late. Let’s get going, I’ll be okay. Besides, who better than Sophie to talk to right now?”
“You’re right,” she pats my knee and drives.
It takes us a while to find parking so we have to run to the office to make it in time. Aurora greets us with a sweet smile. I smile back and am about to sit down when Sophie comes out of her office for me.
“I’m ready for you now, Lily,” she says. She nods at Helena.
“Okay,” I say.
When I get in her office I curl up in a tight ball in one of her chairs and snuggle into a blanket. She notices my vulnerability.
“What’s happened since we last met?”
“Well, remember Aidan?” I say.
“The djinn, your confidant and lover.”
“I thought.”
“What makes you say it like that?” She gives me a quizzical look.
“He hasn’t been over to the house like he usually is this past week. Then right before we left to come here, he tells me about this girl he has been seeing and how wonderful she makes him feel. He also told me that he would love me forever and that he regrets nothing from our relationship. Then he shows up with this model named Manda. His whole face lit up when he looked at her and hers when she looked at him,” I sob.
“That must have been very painful to watch, Lily.”
“It was but even I could see he was happy and I wanted that for him. But then he introduced me as his good friend without a second look. I felt like he had slapped me. I had to hold onto myself, it felt like everything was trying to fall out.”
“Oh, Lily, what did you say to him?” Sophie asks.
“I said I had an appointment and that I was late. He wanted to bring me here so we could talk but I don’t want him to know I’m coming to see you so I told him it was personal and left.”
“How do you feel now,” Sophie asks.
“I am so pissed,” I practically shout. I pound my fist on the arm of the chair. “I’ve been through everything with him and him with me and I’m a good friend. How dare he? How dare he!” This time I do yell and it feels good. “Ugh! And Sebastian and I are starting to rebuild something and I think I want to but at the same time I want to discover who I am first or maybe at the same time, I don’t know. I know I don’t want to be poor little Lily that everyone has to worry about and save.”
“Good. That’s a good place to start. How are you going to make that happen?”
“I’m trying to make some friends that are just friends, not boyfriends. Although I think he would rather be more. I’m strictly guiding him into the friend zone, though. And I’m taking kick boxing so I know how to defend myself and to get some of my aggression out. I went into the “zone” yesterday.”
Sophie smiles at this. “It’s going well, then?”
“Helena and I both were moved up to the intermediate class. We have to go back tonight because the schedule is different so we have two nights in a row. I don’t mind. I loved beating up that bag and Helena thinks we’ll be able to spar soon,” I say.
“Oh, you’ll love sparing. I’m in the advanced class and that’s what we do two out of three nights. It’s a great workout.”
“I have something and someone to look forward to then,” I say.
“Let’s talk about this friend that wants more.”
“He’s the Demon that gave me brimstone. I know, before you yell at me, he was devastated. He really was worried about me and cares. We’ve had coffee and it was really nice to talk to someone outside my circle,” I say.
“First, I would never yell at you,” Sophie says. “Second, doesn’t a Demon know the side effects of brimstone on a vampire?” she asks with a raised eyebrow. She’s not letting me off easy.
“Yes, but…”
“But what?”
“You’re right. There is no excuse for it is there?” I ask.
“No, I don’t think there is.”
“Well, shit. What do I do? He’s apologized. He said he got caught up in the moment. I was so anxious to have a good time and he desperately wanted to give it to me.”
“So now it’s your fault?” Sophie asks.
“I never looked at it
like that.”
“Let’s talk about Sebastian,” Sophie says, doing a one-eighty.
“He’s been very gentle with me and tentatively courting me. I’ve been reciprocating. It feels good and right. We’ve talked about his protective nature and that I need room to make my own mistakes,” I say.
“Good, good.”
“He is trying harder than I’ve ever seen him try. He has warned me about Mark but has said if I feel I need a friend then he won’t stand in my way. He just made me promise I would call on him if I needed help if I got in over my head.” I shake myself and grab the blanket closer. “I feel guilty but I lied when I told him I promised to call on him. I won’t. I intend to get myself out of my own trouble from now on.”
“We all need a little help from time to time,” Sophie says holding her hands out, palms up. Her multitude of rings reflect the sun coming through the windows.
“I guess, but we’re vampire. Shouldn’t we be able to handle things that come our way?”
“Lily, we’re not invincible. Hardly so. You can do a lot to become more independent but at some point you will need someone’s help. It’s the way the world is. How much help is up to you.”
“We’ll see. I don’t plan on getting into any life threatening situations any time soon. If I do, I definitely want help,” I say.
“I’m glad you have self-preservation as a priority. I think it’s time to end for today, Lily. I want you to think about healthy relationships and what that means to you until we meet again. Make a list, write a poem, do research, whatever you want but have something to show me you did some work next time,” Sophie says.
“Thanks, Sophie. Are the relationships romantic or friendly?” I ask.
“Aren’t they all friendly?” she asks, eyebrows raised.
“Well, yeah, I guess so. I should probably start with that and then write down what I expect from a romantic relationship.”
“Sounds great to me. Just write what feels right to you. What you truly want. Be honest with yourself, Lily,” she says as she walks me to her door. “Have a nice weekend. See you on Monday.” I gently close the door behind me, leaving with more questions than answers.
Suckers Bite Back (San Francisco Vampires #5) (Vampires of San Francisco series) Page 9