“I’ll do whatever I damn well please!” I screamed in his face as I ripped my arm away from him. “I come over here, trying to keep you from making a total ass of yourself, which is damned impossible, by the way, and all you do is give me shit. I’m so done with you! You can clean up your own messes!” I turned back around and picked up my bike.
Roy was there in an instant. He tore my bike from me and vaulted it into the street. It soared through the air and landed with a crunch as one of the reflectors busted clean free of it, sprinkling glittering plastic on the dark asphalt. Shock iced over me. Shock and… hurt. I couldn’t believe he’d do that to my bike. It was the only thing I had to get around town. There was no way I had enough money to buy a new bike if he’d damaged it.
He took in my hurt expression that I couldn’t conceal and all his anger receded in an instant. “Rachel, I’m sorry,” he slurred. He ran over to my bike then, zig zagging against the ground that moved only for him, and picked it up. The front rim was bent sideways. Tears pricked at my eyes. I can probably afford a new tire. But it would set me back. And getting it taken care of would eat into one of my precious days off.
Sirens in the distance interrupted my thoughts and I looked back, noticing Terry was gone. I swore.
“Come on, Roy.”
He stood there, holding my bike, his eyes unable to meet mine.
“Come on,” I said, pulling him forward. I took my bike from him and had to lift the front end so it would wheel smoothly.
“I’ll get you a new one,” he said as he fell in step next to me. I knew he couldn’t afford to get me a new bike, or even a new tire, as he was in debt up to his eyes, but I didn’t say anything.
“Just stop getting into trouble and we’ll call it even,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady.
“This wasn’t my fault,” he said, his words running into each other.
I inwardly kicked myself. “For fuck’s sake, Roy! Enough!”
To my surprise, he stopped talking.
We got back to Roy’s house, and I dumped my bike in the yard. I’d have to price out a new tire. Hopefully I had enough. I had no clue how much they cost.
My thoughts halted when I nearly ran into Roy. He was standing there, looking at the open door.
The sight didn’t hit me right either, but I tried to brush it off. “They probably just went out looking for you,” I said, patting him on the arm. I wasn’t so sure I was right, so I went in first. The familiar smell of booze and cigarettes, mixed with must, hit my face.
“Mom?” Roy said as pushed his way around me, walking back toward the kitchen.
“Hello?” I called. The lights were on, but it didn’t look like anyone was home. I went upstairs, taking them two at a time. I was heading for Katie’s room, but when I went past the bathroom, I stopped so fast I nearly tripped into the wall. So much red. I backed up and looked in, knowing I shouldn’t. Blood covered the floor by the bathtub, running down the edge of the tub in rivers around the toilet.
My knees buckled, and I barely turned in time to slide down the wall. I would’ve toppled over otherwise. My face was numb, and I fought to stay conscious. I didn’t do well with blood. Ever since…
I pushed the thoughts out of my mind as Roy’s footsteps came toward the stairs, knowing I had to keep him out of there. I stared straight down at the navy blue carpet that had the texture of a lumpy towel. It had probably been bright blue at some point in its life. The metallic smell of blood overwhelmed me, and I knew I needed to get out of there. I crawled toward the stairs, feeling ridiculous, but on the verge of passing out. My thoughts moved in a slow stream, trickling around behind my eyes.
I wondered what had happened. I imagined it was Katie. She’d tried to kill herself before. The thought squeezed my chest. I hoped she was okay. That must have been why the front door was open. They’d left in a hurry. For the first time, I wondered what had happened between her and Stevie. They had a rocky past, but as far as I knew, things were over between the two of them a long time ago. I felt guilty for not being there for her. I forced myself on shaky legs and clung to the banister. I tripped down the first few stairs and caught myself before letting my legs fall over each other the rest of the way down. I stood at the bottom, swaying back and forth until my strength returned.
Roy came to the bottom of the stairs then, his eyes on me.
“Roy. Go back outside.”
His eyes moved past me, up the stairs.
“Roy.”
He tore by me, and I was too wobbly to stop him.
“Roy! Wait!”
The sounds of him crashing up the stairs filled the house. Then I heard him wail. It made a lump rise up in my throat.
“Roy! Come back down here. It’s going to be okay!” I called after him, my voice shaky because I didn’t know if I was lying to him.
He appeared at the top of the stars, his eyes shining with tears. “I’m going to kill that son of a bitch,” he said, enunciating each word with clear evenness. A chill traveled down my spine.
I was about to shoot off another warning to him when I realized it wouldn’t help. It was for my own nerves, not his. What could I say to stop him? He started down the stairs. “We need to call Katie,” I blurted out.
He hesitated and I took my opportunity. “Let’s make sure Katie is okay. She needs us right now, Roy.”
He slowly walked down the stairs in a manner that did nothing to ease my anxiety. Feeling more in control of myself, I stepped in front of him.
“Roy,” I said, making my voice go soft. “Come with me to call her.”
“I gotta do this, Rachel.” His eyes looked past me, that dead look in them.
“Come on, Roy,” I whispered. I tried to take his hand. In a split second, he turned to the wall and punched a hole in it, making me jump. “Roy!” I yelled at him. I hated it when he got like this.
He turned back to me, his eyes blazing.
I didn’t dare take my eyes from his, not even to check his hand. I kept my voice soft and even. “How is this going to help anything, huh?”
“’Cause he’ll be dead!” he screamed in my face, the scent of alcohol wafting around me.
“And how does that help Katie right now? You want to waste time doing something that’s going to get you thrown in jail while Katie is laid up at the hospital without her brother?”
He stood back then, his face brooding as he crossed his arms. I waited. Finally, his lower lip trembled and a bit of sway made it into his rigid posture. I pulled him to me in a hug, and he started to cry. I patted his back, even though hugging him made all my muscles go tense. I hated being close to him, but I hated myself for that because it wasn’t Roy’s fault.
I forced myself to hug him even tighter, then whispered, “Sit down on the couch, and I’ll go call, okay?”
He nodded and went to sit on the couch. Satisfied he’d stay put, I turned on the TV and went to the phone. I called the hospital and asked if Katie Harper was there. They asked who was calling, and I said I was calling on behalf of her brother. They ended up putting Kathy on the phone. She sounded tired, even annoyed. She said Katie had tried to kill herself again, and they were giving her fluids and something to make her sleep now. She’d be fine, physically speaking. I hung up, again wondering what had happened to her to push her over the edge again. The next phone call I made was to Tony.
I ended up spending what little was left of the night over at Roy’s. Tony was kind enough to come over after he closed up to clean up the blood. Kathy was staying over at the hospital, so I felt like I had to keep Roy in check. I sat on the couch while he rested his head in my lap and slept. I almost nodded off, but forced myself to stay awake, knowing I’d sleep in past my shift without an alarm clock. I kept myself awake by running my fingers through Roy’s hair over and over again. I only had two more days until my day off. If I could just get through them…
When the sun started coming in through the windows, I gently moved Roy’s head from my legs.
He was dead to the world. I took a quick shower in Kathy’s bathroom and then put my dress back on, wishing I’d had the time to wash it the night before. My apron would be a wrinkled mess. My apron… I’d thrown it in the back before I went out with Grant. I still had the dishes. And my bike was toast. Shit!
* * * *
I ran back to the diner as fast as I could, my braided hair wet. I managed to get in thirty minutes early, completely out of breath. I threw the dishes in the sink as the water poured over top of them. I squirted a line of soap down the length of the sink and then flew about the diner, taking chairs down and setting out silverware. Then I went to the back and started scrubbing before the sink had even finished filling. I rinsed dishes off in the water and lined them in neat rows on a towel to dry. My mind was buzzing from no sleep, and I felt charged rather than tired. I knew I’d crash, but it wouldn’t be right now. I was thankful for the work. It gave me something to focus on.
Pam came in as I was putting the coffee on. “Why are all the dishes wet?”
“Because I just finished cleaning them.” My tone implied I didn’t give a shit what she thought about that one. I opened the store room and took stock. I grabbed some more eggs and milk to take to the front fridge. Pam sequestered herself in the back room and before long I smelled cigarette smoke. I wanted one. Lord, I wanted a smoke. My thoughts flashed to Sam. I remembered sharing a cigarette with him more than once, so high from sleep deprivation I thought I might fly away if I flapped my arms hard enough.
The bell on the door chimed, snapping me back to the moment. The first person had arrived for their breakfast and my day had just started. I realized I didn’t have my apron on. By now, it would reek of smoke. I’d go without it. Oh well. Maybe Pam will fire me and I can move to Texas. I almost laughed. I was going delusional. I grabbed the coffee pot and headed out to greet them.
Chapter 4
I flitted about the diner, my usual cheer a bit forced. As the room started filling up, the tiredness hit me. I wanted to sit down, just for a second, but I couldn’t. I stacked, carried, wiped down, refilled, cleared, smiled… and I kept busy. Anytime I let myself slow down, exhaustion swamped me, and my mind turned to Roy and Katie.
My heart ached for Roy, and I tried to push it away. Every time something like this happened, I stepped in and helped. And I paid for it, too. It was exhausting. But how could I not? I’d seen the blood all over the bathroom floor. I bit at my cheek as I wondered how Katie was doing. In some weird way, they were like family to me. I loved them. So I did my best to help them. If Roy would just back off, stop causing so much trouble, I could continue to do that. But I knew he wouldn’t. It created a problem I didn’t want to think about. Feeling myself sink into a familiar pattern, I hit a massive tired wall, one that felt like it was beginning to permanently fix inside me. But I kept going, one table, one smile at a time. I can’t keep doing this forever.
I looked up just as he walked in. The one with the gray eyes. Grant. Those kind eyes were already on me, alive with the warmth from his smile, and it felt like my whole body took a breath of fresh air. I smiled at him and looked away before someone noticed. The last thing I needed was to give the rumor mill something to chew on. But it was good to see him. There were people in the diner who I knew like the back of my hand, people who had woven their lives into mine, making this place feel like some kind of home. But the person I was most excited to see was Grant. I inwardly kicked myself, feeling like a stupid girl. I wondered what had gotten into me the night before. We’d had fun, but he wasn’t going to be here for forever. And even if he was… why did I think it’d make a difference?
He walked past me, making my heart dip when I caught a whiff of his aftershave. You’re an idiot, Ana Marie. My forehead twitched. Rachel, I reminded myself. That hadn’t happened in a long time.
“Coffee?” I asked when he sat down.
“Yes, please.”
“Know what you want or do you need a minute?”
“Just coffee this morning, thanks.”
I looked at him a bit longer than I should have, wanting to ask him why he was in a hurry, but I didn’t. I went to the back and grabbed a tray full of food and a coffee pot and was out in the front in no time, feeling a little better now. I looked out in the parking lot as I filled up Al’s cup and saw Becky’s minivan pull up and park next to the front door. My whole face warmed with a smile, erasing the bits of tiredness from me as the twins sprinted from the van. I filled up Harry’s cup before turning to the door as it burst open, Kyle and Emily running through it with the joy of childhood on their faces. They ran straight to me, and they both wrapped their tiny arms around my waist as they giggled up at me.
“I’m trapped!” I said down to them. I held the coffee pot out further from them and continued to balance the tray against my neck and shoulder with my other hand.
They laughed harder.
“Miss Rachel!” Emily said.
“What, my darling?” My arm was starting to shake from holding out the coffee pot, but I forced it to stay steady.
She giggled. “Miss Rachel, Mama wants to know—”
“Are you comin’ to watch us tomorrow night?” Kyle blurted out over his sister.
“Tell your mama I’ll be over by seven.” I flashed a smile to Becky through the glass. Her eyes a bit frenzied, she smiled back. She was running late again. It’s not like anyone could blame her. She had two sets of twins, the youngest pair were six months and strapped in their car seats. Kyle and Emily were eight, and there was no keeping them contained. “Go tell her, hurry!” I said, making a game of it.
Kyle giggled and ran to shout the good news to Becky, but Emily hung back. “Are you going to bring your guitar?” she asked, her arms squeezing the life out of me.
Feeling a little self-conscious I said, “Only if you make it to school on time.” I didn’t like people knowing I played. I only sang for Becky’s kids or myself at home. Period.
She gave me a gap-toothed grin before taking off for the door. She stopped as she opened it. “See you tomorrow, Miss Rachel.”
I gave her a smile as I set down a plate of food. “See you tomorrow, Em.”
“What’s this about a guitar?” Harry asked me.
I couldn’t keep anything quiet in this town. “I have one,” I said with a smile as I turned to Grant. His phone sat out in front of him, the screen white with some bars of color on it. I filled up his coffee cup, feeling his eyes on me.
“You play?” he asked. Our eyes met, and I hesitated as the familiarity in them hit me.
The boys quieted behind me. This wasn’t good. Roy was wound up so tight right now, there was no telling what would happen if he heard I’d made a new friend who happened to be a tall, handsome man from out of town. I took my eyes from him as I straightened my back. “Sure. ‘Twinkle Twinkle’ and such.” I gave him a polite smile, noticing the look on his face that told me it registered to him that he’d gone too far. I headed for the back, feeling defeated. Beyond defeated. I felt trapped. And it was Roy’s fault.
I started more orders and took a minute to just stand by the grill, letting my head fall forward on my neck. I was back to feeling spent. At least I had tomorrow night to look forward to. It was always tiring, keeping the kids entertained, but it was fun and I’d have a full night’s rest before then. Becky and I would do some brief girl time when the kids went to sleep. I went over to help her one night a week, sometimes more. On nights before my day off, she’d take one of the babies and run errands while I watched the other three kids. If I was feeling particularly daring, I’d take both the babies. I’d have them all in bed before she got home. Then she’d feed me something delicious and we’d talk until it got late. She’d usually have to breastfeed the twins again, and that’s how we knew to wrap up our conversation. Sometimes I even spent the night over there on their couch.
Her husband Dan worked a twelve-hour night shift, with an hour commute one way, so Becky was on her own most of the time. It
was hard, but she told me things were better for her than they had been with her ex-husband, Kyle and Emily’s dad. She never said, but I suspected that he’d hit her. From what she did say, he was mean emotionally, if not physically.
“Roy’s here,” Pam barked.
I sighed and picked up a to-go box. He always came to pick up breakfast after a crisis. I started the tradition a long time ago. I got one free meal a day, and it went to Roy if something like this had happened. It was the least I could do, but I wished he would stay away from the diner. I knew he was waiting by the car since Pam had announced his presence and I’d never yelled at him for that. Something was different now though. I didn’t want Grant to see Roy around. I rolled my eyes at myself. It was more than that. I needed to take a breather from Roy. I needed it for myself. I gathered up the food and stuck it in a box, then walked out the back door.
Roy leaned up against his car, his hair a whirlwind on his head, still in the same clothes he’d been in the night before. He squinted at me through the sunlight, that cockiness nowhere in sight. I felt a pang of pity for him and again that worry for Katie bit at my heart.
“Here’s your breakfast,” I said, my voice soft as I handed it to him.
He took it from me, his face looking too worn to smile.
“Hear anything more about Katie?”
“They’re going to lock her up for a couple days. Like that’s going to help anything. Stupid assholes.” His eyes darkened some.
I bit my cheek and squeezed his hand. He looked at me again.
“It’s a good thing she’s okay though,” I reminded him. I stopped myself from offering more assistance.
Roy studied my face too long, and I felt a twinge of something… like unease.
“Why were you at the diner so late last night?” he asked, his words slow.
How’d he hear about that? Panic rose up in me as I pictured sliding out of Grant’s truck right before I heard the telephone. “I—” I clammed up, instantly realizing my mistake as Roy’s eyes tightened on my face. The appropriate response would have been indifference, followed by a sassy remark. Or anger, followed by some sort of comment on him needing to butt the hell out of my business. Not having the energy to feign anger, I backed down to indifference with a sigh. “Becky needed some help with the kids, and I dropped everything to go over there. Tony caught me on my way back.” I hated to lie, even to Roy, but I knew I couldn’t tell him the truth. He’d absolutely explode. And Grant would be the target. My heart accelerated at the thought.
Call Me Ana: A Novel Page 4