Amelia’s door opens. I’m thinking maybe she’s actually braver than me for once, but then a couple seconds later, my door opens, and Amelia ducks inside as fast as she can, like she just ran through a war zone instead of a couple feet of hallway.
I glare at her. “What the hell are you doing? I could have been naked.”
“I could hear that you were on the phone.”
“I could still have been naked. I could have been having phone sex.”
“Oh, could you?” Kat says.
Amelia makes a face. “You didn’t sound like you were having phone sex.”
“And you know what that sounds like?” I shake my head at her. And for the record, no, me and Kat have never had phone sex. But I’d like to think that if we did, Amelia wouldn’t just barge in.
Amelia rolls her eyes at me. “You were obviously just talking. And you’re in your pajamas, which are stupid, by the way—”
“Hey. They are not.” My pajamas have Superstar, my favorite band, on them. I briefly considered getting Crimson Flash pajamas, since I thought it might annoy Gordon, but I wasn’t 100% on that. Plus, then I’d have to actually wear Crimson Flash pajamas, which sounded pretty horrible.
“Superstar doesn’t even exist anymore.” She says that in her snottiest voice. “They broke up.”
“They didn’t break up—they’re just on hiatus.”
“Well, they’re stupid. And I was talking to Zach, but his mom made him go to bed, and I thought Mom and Dad would be done fighting by now, but they’re not, and they never fight, and…” Her chin wobbles a little, and she sucks in a deep breath, obviously trying to fight off tears.
I sigh. “Kat? I have to go.”
“Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow. And, Damien…” She swallows. “I really miss you.”
“I miss you, too.”
Amelia makes a disgusted sound.
I ignore her. “I love you, Kat.”
“I love you, too.”
We hang up.
“You’re so gross,” Amelia says.
“What? You’d rather we were having phone sex?”
Amelia opens her mouth, but then there’s more yelling from downstairs.
“He’s seventeen years old!” Gordon shouts.
Helen says something, but it’s too muffled to make out.
Then Gordon again. “He’s my son! I was handling it!”
My hands clench, gripping my comforter. I wish I could teleport to pretty much anywhere but here right now. “Okay, Amelia. Let’s get this over with.”
She just stares at me, not saying anything, still trying not to cry.
“You came here to yell at me, right? So just do it.” Not that I want to get yelled at, even by Amelia, and even if I deserve it. But if it’s going to happen, it might as well happen quickly.
A couple tears slip down her cheeks. “I didn’t… I didn’t come here to yell at you.”
I find that really hard to believe. “Come on. It’s my fault that they’re…” I wave my hand at the floor. “I spilled Helen’s secret. I started this. And in case you didn’t notice? A lot of their argument is about me. So let me have it.”
“How could my mom not care about her statue? How could she have lied to me my whole life?”
“I don’t think that was—”
“And why did she tell you? Of all people.”
“Look, Amelia, I don’t know. You should ask her.”
“But you’re the one she told.” She rubs at her eyes, then comes over to the bed and sits down, even though I didn’t invite her. “If she was going to tell me, she would have already.”
I press my hands between my knees. “The only reason she said anything to me is because I’m messed up. She thought it would help.”
Amelia gives me a really skeptical look. “Did it?”
“I’m not sure yet. I’ll let you know.”
“That still doesn’t explain why she lied to me my whole life.”
“She had to kill people, when she was working for the League. That must have been hard enough without having to tell everyone she wasn’t sure she’d done the right thing. Going along with what she was supposed to feel was probably just easier. A lot easier.”
“She still told you and not me. You’re not even her kid.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sure she regrets it now.” What with me blabbing her secret to everyone. She told me all that to help me, and this is how I repaid her.
“No one ever trusts me with anything. It’s like I don’t even matter.”
“That’s not true.” I glance over at her. “If you hadn’t been with me the night of the gala, Riley would have died.”
She looks down at the floorboards. “You would have saved him.”
“No, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t have even been there to find him, and I couldn’t have freed him from the rubble, so… You were the only other person who was there. You heard him screaming, and you—” I put my hands to my face. I hate talking about this. My heart races, and I just want to disappear. “How can you be okay about it? How can you just… move on?”
She stares at me, looking a little freaked by my reaction. “I don’t know.”
“It doesn’t bother you?”
“Sometimes. But I knew you’d figure it out. I knew you’d help him.”
“I didn’t know that, so how could you?”
She shrugs. “I figured that whatever happened, you’d make it okay. You’re good at fieldwork, and you’re my brother, and you always know what to do.”
I laugh. “That’s funny, because it feels like the opposite.”
“But you did. You got us out of there. All of us, including Riley.”
I nod. “I don’t know how to make this okay, though.”
“Maybe you don’t need to. Just listen,” she says. “One time I really thought I was going to win the spelling bee. This was in second grade. Or was it third grade? No, I think it was second. Anyway, I really wanted to win, and I was the best in the class. It was so obvious.”
“Is this going anywhere?”
She waves that away. “I didn’t even need to practice, but I did anyway. Then, on the day of the big bee, I felt kind of off in the morning, but I didn’t really think anything of it. Okay, I knew maybe I was getting sick, but I didn’t want to miss the contest. And, well, on my first turn at the microphone, I ended up barfing all over. On stage, in front of everyone.”
“Wow. What a great story. That’s so the same thing as finding your best friend trapped under some rubble because superheroes were trying to kill him. How did you ever get over it?”
“Shut up. You didn’t let me finish. So, I was really embarrassed. Like, really, really embarrassed for the rest of the school year. I had nightmares about it every night for over a month. I couldn’t even be part of the school play because seeing the stage just made it all come flooding back.”
“I thought Riley was going to die. I don’t know if anything’s ever going to be the same. But you threw up during a spelling bee.”
“Yes. I’m trying to say that even though it was traumatizing, it got better. Eventually, I stopped having nightmares, and it didn’t even bother me that much when the other kids called me Spew. It hurt at first, but, like, after a while it was kind of funny. And I even did the play the next year. I got cast as an extra, so I didn’t have a lot of stage time, but the important thing is that it didn’t bother me. I was really nervous, but I faced my fear, and it turned out okay.”
“I don’t think it’s going to be that easy.” Not for me. Not for this.
“But it might get better. Someday.”
I start to argue with her again, because I’m not sure I believe that, but I stop myself. “Thanks, Amelia.”
“And if it doesn’t get better, there are plenty of normal jobs you can do. Like working at the gas station or maybe at one of the superhero diners. Probably not the one where they named something after you, because that would just be sad, but maybe one of the other ones. Or�
��”
“Okay, I get it.”
“I’m just saying that you have options. The world is, like, your oyster or something.”
“I said I get it.”
She holds her hands up, as if she wasn’t doing anything. She seems like she’s about to say something else, but then my phone chimes.
I assume it’s going to be Kat, telling me again how excited she is for this weekend, but instead it’s Riley. And it’s not even for me.
Zach says he texted Amelia, but she’s not responding.
I type back, I thought your mom told him to go to bed? And what, he can’t even text me himself? His girlfriend didn’t text him back for two whole minutes—ANYTHING could have happened to her. This could be an emergency.
Is it an emergency?
No, she’s right here.
“Wait, are you talking about me?” Amelia asks, after leaning over to see my screen.
I jerk the phone out of her view. “Your boyfriend’s trying to text you.”
Her face lights up, and she holds out her hand for the phone. But only for, like, a split second, and then she just uses her power to teleport it to her and starts typing.
“Before you declare your undying love for him,” I tell her, “you should know two things. One, that’s Riley, because Zach’s still not talking to me. And two, it’s awfully brave of you to touch my phone, considering how much phone sex it’s been a part of.”
She immediately drops it, her mouth falling open in disgust. My phone clatters on the floor, and I pick it up.
“Gross.” Amelia’s holding her hands up, like she’s afraid to touch anything now, and makes a face. “And I can’t even go wash my hands because Mom and Dad are still…” She pauses to listen for the yelling downstairs, but it’s quiet. She exhales in relief. “I’m going to run downstairs real quick and wash my hands. Tell Riley to tell Zach I’ll be right there.”
Then she takes off for the door, unable to get out of my room fast enough.
Chapter 11
I KNOCK ON ZACH’S bedroom door the next day after school. He must think it’s Riley, because he actually starts to open it, then sees that it’s me and shuts it in my face.
From his room across the hall, Riley gives me a look, like I told you it wouldn’t be that easy.
I knock again. “Come on, Zach.”
He doesn’t open the door this time, though he does shout at me from the other side of it. “I have nothing to say to you!” Which seems unlikely, judging from how pissed off he sounds.
“I came here to apologize!”
“Yeah, right!”
“I mean it! And— Will you just come out here?”
Zach opens the door, but only just barely, and he makes a big point of glaring at me.
I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry. Okay? And, I mean, you know me, so you know how rarely I say things like that.”
He stares at me.
I guess he can’t take the hint. “You should be honored.”
“Sorry for what?”
“Exactly. Let’s just forget that stupid fight ever happened.”
“No. I meant which part are you sorry for?”
“Um.” I glance over my shoulder at Riley, but he just holds up his hands in a not-getting-involved gesture. “I don’t want you to be mad at me. It’s weird.”
“That’s not the same as being sorry for what you did.”
“Okay, I’m sorry I freaked out.”
He just stares at me again, like I said the wrong thing.
“I’m sorry I freaked out… and that I was a jerk to you.”
“That’s kind of the same thing.”
“What do you want me to say?”
His eyes widen. He looks hurt, and I think he might slam the door in my face again. “I shouldn’t have to tell you what to apologize for. Not if you really mean it. But since you need so much help, you could start by apologizing for thinking you have any say in me and Amelia’s sex life—”
“Whoa, Zach. Don’t say things like that.”
“—or for treating me like a little kid, or for acting like I’m not good enough for her. And if I’m not good enough for her, or to join your group, then I’m not…” He swallows. “Then I’m not good enough to be your friend, right?”
“Zach.”
He shakes his head. “Just tell me the truth.”
I motion toward his room, and he takes a step back, letting me in. He closes the door, but I keep my voice hushed anyway, in case Riley can still hear us. “Did you really tell Amelia that I didn’t save your brother?”
He looks away, his face going red. “You didn’t.”
“Yeah, but you said I could have and I didn’t. That’s completely different. And no, I didn’t save him, and I know his leg is still healing, and if anything had happened to him—again—I would never have forgiven myself, and…” My throat’s getting tight, and I’m clenching my fists. I force them to relax. “You weren’t there, Zach.”
“I know.” His voice comes out small. He’s staring at the floor, looking ashamed. “I shouldn’t have said that. I was just mad.”
“I tried to save him.”
“You jumped over a banister. That’s probably the most badass thing you’ve ever done. Well, one of them, at least.”
“You really didn’t mean it?” Because I can’t take Zach thinking I’d just let Riley get hurt.
“I… Maybe a little. But only because I was so mad at you, and because I was worried about Riley.” He says all that without looking at me.
It’s not quite the answer I wanted, but it’s close enough. “I’m sorry I don’t want you sleeping with my sister.”
He inhales sharply and glances up at me, then away again.
“It’s not about you. I like you, Zach. You’re my friend, for reals, and not just because you’re Riley’s brother.”
“You don’t get to control what we do.”
And yet, I’m the one that set them up in the first place. Amelia would probably be boyfriend-free if not for my meddling, and Zach wouldn’t be trying to sleep with her.
“I thought you liked that we were together,” Zach says.
“I do.”
“It’s hypocritical of you to be mad at me for having… you know. Protection.”
Okay, I really wish I wasn’t having this conversation right now. I sit down on his bed.
“And it’s just for in case. We haven’t even talked about it.”
“Yet.”
“And you and Kat—”
“I know, okay? I know it’s hypocritical. But that doesn’t mean I’m okay with it.” It felt right for me and Kat. And I get that I can’t actually know what’s right for Zach and Amelia, or at least I get it in theory, but… “Do you love her?”
I didn’t know those words were even going to come out of my mouth. Apparently neither did Zach, because he gets this look on his face like he might throw up, and then he flops down into his computer chair.
“I… I really like her.”
“That’s not the same thing.”
“I might.”
“You would know.”
“How? How would I know?”
“You just would.” It’s a crap answer, but it’s also the truth.
“You don’t have to love someone to have…” He clears this throat. “I mean, you know, it’s… You’re being hypocritical again.”
“No, I’m not. I love Kat, and I sure as hell loved her before we started having sex.”
Zach flinches on the word. “But you went out with her before. You guys were getting back together, so you already loved her, right? That shouldn’t count.”
I give him a look.
“I just mean,” he adds, “that you probably would have slept with her anyway. You guys just also happened to be in love.”
I open my mouth to protest, but then I stop. Would I have slept with Kat if I didn’t love her? Was it just convenient that we happened to be in love when we started doing it? I don’t thi
nk so—I don’t want to think so—but I can’t say for sure.
I slide my hands across my knees, smoothing out my jeans. There’s one thing I do know. “Me and Kat were in love when it happened, and that matters to me. A lot.”
Zach takes that in. “Just because it was right for you to be in love doesn’t mean it has to be that way for us. And just because we’re not in love yet doesn’t mean we won’t be.”
“Maybe.”
“It doesn’t. But… I’ll think about what you said, okay?”
“You will?”
He shrugs. “I don’t want us to be fighting, so if it’s that important to you, I’ll think about it. I care about Amelia a lot, though, even if I don’t know if I’m in love with her yet.”
“Okay.”
“Are you still mad at me?”
“I thought you were mad at me. I mean,” I add, “I was mad, too. But I think we’re okay.” I’m not sure I like his “I’ll think about it” answer, but I guess it’ll have to do for now. “So, you guys like Italian, right?”
“What?”
“Your brother made reservations at some Italian place. For Saturday. He made it for six people, so you and Amelia can still come with us.”
“Oh. We made other plans.”
“Yeah, but that was before, when you were pissed at me. But now that you’re not, you guys can come with us, where you belong.”
“But we made plans with Amelia’s friends.”
“I’ll talk to her. You know you’ll have more fun coming with us.”
He doesn’t say anything.
“Zach, come on. You want to come with us, right?”
“We made other plans, okay? We’re going with Amelia’s friends.”
Yeah, so maybe things aren’t that all right between us. “Fine, Zach. If that’s what you want.”
He swivels in his chair a little, so he’s not pointed at me. “Yeah, it is. Me and Amelia have plans, and not everything is your decision.”
Chapter 12
The Phobia of Renegade X Page 7