“Which worked so well. And you know that’s not true. That’s not even what you told me when they gave it to you. You said—”
“They told me it was because they’re proud of me, and because I wouldn’t let Gordon get me anything big for my birthday. But let’s face it, no matter how proud they are, I’m going to screw up again. I mean, I kind of already did. And I wouldn’t let him get me anything big because I don’t want it. Not from him.”
“Damien—”
“He can’t make up for sixteen years with… with anything. And I don’t even want him to, but that’s what he’d be doing.”
“You kept the key. You said you changed your mind.”
“But I can’t bring myself to actually use it, so…” I take a deep breath. “He told me he didn’t want me around tonight, that I was making things worse. He meant because Ted was there, screaming at him that I’m devil spawn or something, but there was this split second where that’s not how I heard it.”
“Wow. But, like, you know he didn’t mean it that way.”
“I know. But no matter what he says, I just can’t stop feeling like it’s only a matter of time before he really is done with me, just like my mom.”
Kat points her pizza slice at me before taking another bite. “Your mom really messed you up.”
“Thanks, Kat. You didn’t tell me you were taking Psychology.”
She rolls her eyes. “I just mean you know why you feel like that, and it has nothing to do with your dad or whether or not he wants to give you stuff.”
“He wants to give me stuff for now. And if I accept the car, like, for reals, then it’s like I’m saying I believe he actually wants me there. So then when one day he doesn’t… It’s just going to hurt that much worse.”
“But maybe he’s not going to do that, and you’re missing out.”
“On what? A car?”
“On letting him care about you. Not everyone’s going to be like your mom.”
“I trusted Grandpa, and you know how that turned out.”
“Your grandparents think you’re the best thing ever.”
“And they still betrayed me. They’ve known me my whole life. And I know they didn’t kick me out or give up on me or anything, but they still ruined stuff between us. And Gordon can give me all the cars he wants, but I saw his face after he watched that video of me tonight. He didn’t seem surprised or even mad or anything, just… sad. I’d rather he was pissed at me. And Ted—”
“Okay, I’ve never met Ted, but he’s so not your dad.”
“No, but Gordon doesn’t see what a horrible douchebag he is. He’s known him way longer than me, and now they’re forming some superhero group together, which is a terrible idea, but Ted suggested it, so Gordon thinks it must be amazing. But I don’t get how he can get along with someone like that and still care about someone like me.”
“It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, though. Or that he doesn’t want you around. And… you can’t just not trust anybody.”
“I trust you. And I trust Riley. And Sarah if she’s not holding explosives.”
“That’s a short list.”
“It’s been shorter.” Way shorter.
“But—”
“I can’t drive the car, Kat. I only kept the key to annoy Amelia.”
“Okay,” she says, not sounding like she believes me. “But, Damien, did you ever think that if you just push him away all the time, maybe you’re the one who’s going to end up ruining things between you?”
“Hey, as long as I screw things up before he does, then… then at least I never have to find out for sure that he would have let me down. Or how badly. I can always keep that tiny bit of hope that things would have turned out okay if only I hadn’t screwed them up.”
“That sounds like a great way to have a really crappy relationship with your dad. Gordon might do stupid stuff sometimes, but I can’t see him letting you down on purpose. Not like your mom did. Or even like your grandpa did. And if you’re just trying to prove you can mess things up before he can, well… I think you both deserve better than that.”
Chapter 26
I GET HOME AROUND ten o’clock Sunday night, after spending two days with Kat in her dorm. And I was right, spending the whole weekend with her made it so much worse when I had to leave again. But I did, even though saying good-bye to her kind of destroyed me a little bit, and even though she was crying really hard, and even though it was pretty much the last thing in the world that I wanted to do.
I go up to my room when I get back and flop down on my bed. My eyes are watering, and there’s a hollow ache in my chest and a tightness in my throat that won’t go away. I feel empty, like I left part of myself back at Kat’s and I don’t remember how to function without it.
There’s a knock on my door, and then Amelia calls out, “Damien?!”
I press my face harder into my pillow and don’t say anything. I don’t want to talk to anybody right now, and eventually she’ll get the hint and leave.
“I know you’re home! You missed your flying lesson yesterday! And knowing you, you didn’t even practice on your own!”
I wipe my eyes real quick and get up to let her in, closing the door and hoping nobody heard her shouting about flying lessons. “Will you shut up? Not everyone needs to know about that.”
“I—” She goes silent when she sees my face. “What happened?”
“Nothing.” But I can hear the thickness in my voice, and my eyes are still wet. I rub them with the back of my arm, as if that isn’t super obvious. But it’s better than actually crying in front of Amelia.
She doesn’t look convinced, and I think she’s going to demand a better answer than that, but then she just looks away and says, “I know it’s kind of late, but we haven’t done flying lessons today.”
“Amelia—”
“And I bet you didn’t practice on your own when you were at Kat’s, so that means that if you don’t do it tonight, you’ll have missed two days of practice. You don’t have that much longer before the test, so—”
“Are you insane? I’m not taking the test. You were here on Friday. You saw how Ted, like, completely hates me.”
“Yeah, but—”
“He’s going to fail me no matter what.”
“He didn’t say that.”
“He didn’t need to. And… come on, Amelia. I couldn’t even go up the stairs in front of him—I’m not going to be able to fly in front of him, either.”
“But you can fly.”
“Barely.”
“But you’ve been working really hard. You’re getting better at it.”
“Not better enough. And none of that matters if I can’t fly in front of Ted.”
She glares at me. “He thinks you can’t fly. Like, not at all.”
“I know. And if I show up to the test and can’t even get off the ground again, it’s just going to make him think he’s right. I mean, he already thinks that.”
She clenches her fists. “But he’s wrong. And after what happened Friday night, it’s more important than ever that you show him you can fly.”
“I like where you’re going with that, but there’s a pretty big chance I’m just going to end up humiliating myself in front of him.”
“He thinks he’s right about you, but he’s not. After you left, he said he knows you can’t fly. He told Dad you need to stop telling people you can because it makes you sound crazy and it’s besmirching the family name.”
“I don’t even have the family name.”
“I know. And he said that the kids in that video wanted you to fly, but that of course you couldn’t, and that’s why you zapped somebody. He said your lies are dangerous and getting out of hand.”
“Uh, if I didn’t have flying power, I would just tell the school that and pass first year already.” Actually, I wonder if it’s too late for that. I could send them some links to the conspiracy sites as proof.
“Even if there’s no way you
can pass, you still have to show him you can do it. Because he thinks he knows everything about you, but he doesn’t know anything, and you really, really need to throw that in his face.”
I smirk at that a little, even though I still feel like crap.
“Even if you can’t do the test right—which won’t even be true because you will—and even if you kind of humiliate yourself, you’ll humiliate Ted even worse when you show him you really can fly. Then he’ll have to shut up about it, and—”
“Okay.”
“Really? We can keep doing flying lessons?!”
“Yes. But keep your voice down.”
“I am. Geez.” She rolls her eyes at me. “And this is so exciting! Tonight you’re going to hover for twenty minutes and then I think you’re ready to go up to the ceiling.”
“Tomorrow.”
“But—”
“Tomorrow, and I’m not promising anything about the ceiling.”
“Fine, but you have to hover for thirty minutes then to make up for it.”
There’s another knock at the door. It’s Gordon this time, and I really, really hope he didn’t hear Amelia practically shouting about flying lessons.
He must have at least heard that she was talking, though, so I probably can’t get away with pretending I’m asleep. But it doesn’t matter anyway because before I have a chance to decide anything, Amelia opens the door for him.
Gordon glances over at me. He does not look happy. Not mad, maybe, but happy is definitely not the word I’d use. “I need to talk to you,” he says. Then, to Amelia, “It’s late. You should be getting ready for bed.”
“But it’s not even ten thirty,” Amelia says, glancing at her phone, which she must have just teleported to her hand.
“Amelia.”
“Fine.” She makes a defiant huffing noise, in case he didn’t know she was annoyed with him, and then mouths Practice at me before hurrying off down the stairs.
Gordon closes the door. He seems almost disappointed that she actually left, like he thought she’d put up more of a fight and he wasn’t prepared to deal with me yet. “We need to talk.”
“No, we don’t.” I wrap my arms around myself and sit down on my bed. I am so not in the mood for this right now. “I screwed up. You’re mad. There’s nothing more to say, so just tell me my punishment and be done with it.”
“I’m not mad.”
I glance up at him, not sure I believe that. “I embarrassed you in front of Ted, and you actually care what he thinks for some reason. So I get it if you’re pissed at me. But just don’t pretend it’s okay when it’s not.”
He sits down next to me. “I’m not angry with you, alright? I just wish you hadn’t run off like that. I wish you didn’t feel like you needed to.”
“I was at Kat’s.”
“I know.”
“Amelia told you?” Not that I told her or anything, but she must have figured it out, since I didn’t go back to Riley’s.
He tilts his head at me. “I’m not an idiot.”
I raise my eyebrows at him, because this is news to me.
“When you don’t come home, you’re either at Riley’s or at Kat’s. And you don’t come back from Riley’s looking like… Well, like someone punched you in the stomach.”
Great. “So, like, all those times I went to Kat’s and didn’t tell you, you’ve just been humoring me?”
“I thought you didn’t want me to know.”
“I thought you’d disapprove of me going out of town to spend the night with my girlfriend in her college dorm, completely alone and unsupervised.” Or at least that Helen would. “I think they covered that in Parenting 101, but maybe you were absent that day.”
“You want me to tell you not to go?”
“No, but I thought—”
“I trust you to make the right decisions for yourself. You’re a good kid. And way more independent than I was at your age. I don’t feel like I have to worry about you getting into situations you can’t handle. And I know you miss Kat. I know you’re going to go spend time with her. I just wish you didn’t feel like you had to hide it from me. And that you didn’t feel like you needed to run off.” He hesitates, holding his breath for a second, then says, “I know why you didn’t want to go upstairs on Friday.”
“Too little too late. No gold star.”
“I should have realized about the stairs. I… I shouldn’t have asked you to do that in front of Ted, but I wasn’t thinking.”
“You were too busy wanting to form a superhero group with him.” Which obviously involved no thinking whatsoever.
“It’s just an idea.”
A really bad one. “Dad, I know you’re excited about it for some reason, but, like, how can you even think of working with that complete and total douche?”
Gordon winces a little. “He’s my brother.”
“Yeah, but he hates me. You saw how he was.”
“I know, and I wish Ted would have shown more restraint Friday night and not overreacted.”
“You wish he would have shut the hell up, you mean.”
“He doesn’t know you, Damien. We both know he’s wrong about you.”
“But I’m not wrong about him. He hates me and he hates villains. Just, like, as a general rule, just for existing.”
“He quit the League, just like I did. He doesn’t condone what they were doing, either.”
“That doesn’t make him a good person.”
Gordon glances over at me. “I’ve always thought of him that way, though, as a good person. He’s my older brother, and I’ve always looked up to him. Like how Alex and Jess look up to you.”
“But, like, you know that he’s not, right?”
Gordon sighs. “He’ll come around.”
“Yeah, sure, if he gets abducted by aliens and they give him a lobotomy, but that seems like kind of a long shot.”
“He doesn’t know you. If he did, he wouldn’t have reacted that way to that video.”
I find that really hard to believe, especially since it involved me zapping some superhero kid with my villain power. “It really wasn’t what it looked like. I mean, it kind of was, but—”
“I know. And I know you wouldn’t hurt anybody. I just wish you’d stuck around to tell me what did happen. I got a lot of phone calls this weekend.”
“From your douchey family?”
“Well—”
“From Helen’s douchey family?”
“From everyone. And I didn’t know anything more about it than they did, because you’d run off without even telling me what happened.”
I swallow and stare at my knees.
We’re both quiet, an awkward silence building. Then he says, “When I said I didn’t want you around—”
“That’s not why I left.” But I say that way too fast, and I can’t bring myself to look at him.
“When I said that, I just… I wasn’t thinking. Ted was yelling at me—”
“Then maybe you should have told him to leave.”
“Damien, I wasn’t telling anyone to leave. And I— ” He tries to put his hand on my shoulder.
I jerk away from him.
He lets out a deep breath. “I know what I said hurt you, but I didn’t mean I don’t want you here.”
I still don’t look at him.
“Damien? I’m trying to say—”
“It’s getting late. It’s been a long weekend. So if I’m actually not in trouble, then… then I should really get some sleep.”
“But I never meant—” He stops himself. “Yeah, you’re right, it’s… it’s getting late. And it’s a school night. I should let you get to bed. But if you want to talk about—”
“I’m really tired. Can you get the light on your way out?”
“I… Alright, Damien. I mean, of course.” He goes to leave. His hand hovers over the light switch, and I think he’s going to try and argue with me some more, but then he just says, “Goodnight,” and flicks the switch, leaving me in the
dark.
Chapter 27
RILEY SEEMS SURPRISED TO see me when I show up at his house Monday morning before school. Surprised, but also relieved. His hair’s still wet from the shower and he’s shoving the last bite of a piece of toast into his mouth when he opens the door. He looks me over, his eyes flicking to mine, and asks, “Are you okay?”
“Come on, Perkins, of course I—” I stop myself from lying to him. “No, not really.”
“I can’t believe what happened on Friday.”
“I know. Like, what were you and Sarah thinking?”
He scowls at me. “No, I meant what happened with Zach’s friends kind of mobbing you and making that video.”
I follow him into the kitchen. He holds up a box of cereal, but I shake my head.
“I had no idea,” he says. “About what was going on. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have… I mean, me and Sarah wouldn’t have—”
“Been about to do it in your room?”
He flinches. “We weren’t doing that.”
“Yet.”
“Will you shut up? I’m trying to say—”
“I know what you’re trying to say. You didn’t know Zach’s crazy friends were going to harass me or that I was going to end up zapping one of them.”
He sighs. “You could have come back.”
“I went to Kat’s.”
“You could have at least answered my texts.”
“I had my phone off.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t know what had happened to you.” He sounds kind of pissed about that. And maybe kind of hurt.
“Perkins—”
“You ran out of here without even telling us what happened!”
“You were obviously busy!”
“And then Amelia said you got in a fight with your dad and ran off. Nobody knew where you were, X!”
I take a step back, running into the counter. “I was at Kat’s. Everybody else figured it out.”
“No, everybody else hoped you were at Kat’s. You can’t just disappear like that! You obviously weren’t okay when you left here, and I didn’t know if something had happened to you, or if you weren’t speaking to me, or—”
“Geez, Perkins. Calm down. I’m okay.”
The Phobia of Renegade X Page 19