by Julie Cannon
Shivley watched the myriad of emotions sweep across Rachel’s face. One moment she was subtle and coy, the next slightly jealous, then sad, lonely, fierce, proud, and finally confused. Shivley had never seen anything as beautiful and frightening at the same time. Rachel was scared, she was running from something, or maybe she was running to something. Either way, a sense of protectiveness overwhelmed Shivley to the point that she wanted to wrap her arms around Rachel and cocoon her from whatever demons she was facing.
*
Dinner was a festive affair. The women were excited about their first days on the ranch and talked over each other telling stories, some already exaggerated into tall tales. Ann kept the food coming and their wineglasses filled, and it was after nine when the last dish was empty.
“Didn’t I see a Jacuzzi out back?” Debra asked hopefully.
Shivley had wondered who would ask first. The pulsing jets were often the favorite form of relaxation after a day in the saddle or a prelude to a romantic night under the covers. “Yes, there is. It’s heated and ready to go. It’s big enough for six cozy or eight intimately.” Shivley finished the sentence looking directly at Rachel. “Suits are optional.” Several pairs of eyes widened in surprise and several lit up with interest. Rachel’s expression was the latter.
Ellen practically jumped from her chair. “I’m in. My ass is killing me. Come on, hon.”
“Oh God, yes. I spend way too much time in the therapist chair.” Becky obediently followed her partner up the stairs.
The table quickly cleared and the women practically fell over each other in their rush to get into the water. Rachel, however, remained in her seat. “Not interested?” Shivley asked.
“Waiting for the rush to clear.” Actually, Rachel wasn’t much for intimate group gatherings, and sitting in scalding water with seven strangers was definitely not her idea of a good time.
“It might be a while.” Shivley sipped the remaining wine in her glass.
“I can wait.”
Shivley’s heart skipped a beat. There was more than one meaning in Rachel’s declaration. Was she waiting for Christina to lose interest, or was she talking about the Jacuzzi? Shivley suspected it was the former. Rachel continued to intrigue her.
“Would you like to sit in the living room?”
“Only if you’ll be joining me.” Rachel’s reply was straightforward and lacked any pretense of anything other than what it was, an invitation for Shivley to spend time with her.
Shivley wanted nothing more than to continue their conversation. However, she did not want to overstep her bounds. Her guests came to the ranch for a variety of reasons and they typically did not include sitting around and visiting with their host. “Are you sure you don’t want to be alone?”
“If I wanted to be alone, I wouldn’t have asked if you’d join me.”
Shivley was appropriately chastised. “I guess you’re right. Shall we?” She stood and picked up her wineglass all in one motion. Following Rachel into the other room, Shivley couldn’t help but notice the way she filled out her jeans. It was the same admiration she had the first time she saw this view only a few short days ago. Was it just a few days? It seemed like she had known Rachel forever.
Shivley waited until Rachel sat in the rocker beside the fireplace before sitting across from her. It was her way of keeping a safe distance between them, and from the smile on Rachel’s face, she knew it, too. Lucy settled at her feet.
Neither woman spoke for several minutes. The revelation Rachel had earlier in the day and the feelings that accompanied it were threatening to knock down her carefully constructed emotional wall at any moment. She’d won the battle this time, knowing that the next time she might not be so lucky. She fell into the normal light banter she had perfected to get through every day.
“So, why a dude ranch?”
Shivley was lost in her own thoughts as she looked at Rachel sitting across from her. The reflection of the flames from the fireplace cast a warm glow on Rachel’s face. Her skin was smooth and flawless, and Shivley imagined Rachel’s head in her lap as she stroked her soft cheeks. She couldn’t remember the last time she and Dale talked before she fell ill. Yes, they spent almost every evening together, usually in the same room, but they rarely talked. They said words, had conversations, but they hadn’t really talked in a long time. They were comfortable with each other. After four years they knew practically everything about each other, and there was very little excitement in their lives. They were comfortable with their life and their routine and had taken it for granted that it would last forever.
Rachel waited for Shivley to answer her question. It was obvious by the emotions playing out on her face that she was thinking about something that gave her pleasure and pain. Oddly, Rachel wanted to kiss it away. She was astute enough to know that no matter how much she wanted to kiss her, this was not the time. “Shivley?”
Shivley shook the unpleasant image from her mind. The pain that accompanied any memory of Dale was a remnant of the debilitating, chest-crushing pain she’d experienced the first few months after her death. In place now was a mild stab over what should have been. She put on her best hostess face. “I’m sorry. What did you ask?”
“The ranch. How did you get into dude ranching?”
Shivley sipped her wine and sighed, grateful that Rachel pursued her original question and not one more personal. “I’ve always been a cowgirl at heart, and the opportunity presented itself and I jumped at it.” Shivley knew her practiced answer was weak, but it usually satisfied the other curious guests. Not Rachel.
“How long ago was that?” Rachel asked, crossing her legs.
“About four years ago. In some respects I wish I’d been doing this my entire life.” Shivley cringed when she realized that even with that one little comment, she had said too much. It didn’t take long to confirm her misgiving. Rachel was a pro at recognizing evasion and probed gently.
“And why is that?”
“Lots of reasons, I suppose.” Shivley scanned the room she had painstakingly decorated. “I enjoy the outdoors, and the challenge of doing physical things every day makes me feel good. There’s always something that needs fixing or painting or feeding, and I like that, being busy. I suppose it might sound kind of corny, but between the fresh air and hard work there’s a sense of peace here. I can’t imagine being anywhere other than here.” When Shivley emerged from the pain of losing Dale, she realized that her last statement was true.
Rachel was envious of the conviction behind Shivley’s words. She was no longer excited about going to work every day, and at times she actually hated it. She was looking for something but didn’t know what that something was. She hoped that when it did reveal itself, she would recognize it.
“What did you do before this?” Her calm rocking disguised her excitement to be able to sit and talk with Shivley with no one around to interrupt.
“I was a CPA.”
Rachel sputtered on her wine and barely succeeded in keeping it from spewing out her nose. “A CPA? With blue business suits, pantyhose, and a pocket protector?”
Shivley laughed at the apt description of some of her colleagues. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I never had a pocket protector.”
“Maybe, but I’ll bet your legs were stunning.” Rachel looked up and down Shivley’s jeans-clad legs as if to make a point.
Shivley’s breath quickened and her legs burned where Rachel’s gaze traveled. She fought to uncross her limbs and remained still. “I was more prone to pants. Pantyhose make me nuts. I hate them.” Shivley intended to sound humorous but was too mesmerized by Rachel’s obvious appraisal of the rest of her body to succeed.
“Too bad. I’ll bet you were drop-dead gorgeous.”
“Yeah, well, that was another life. I much prefer jeans and boots.” The crackling of the fire matched the flames jumping in Rachel’s eyes.
“You’re still drop-dead gorgeous even in jeans and boots.” And what would you look lik
e in nothing at all?
“Rachel, I wasn’t fishing for a compliment.” Shivley suddenly wondered how the conversation turned from inquisitive to provocative.
“I didn’t think you were.”
Shivley didn’t know whether to continue the light teasing or shut it down entirely. Rachel was entertaining to be around, intelligent, with a quick wit. She was also very good at flirting, and Shivley had fallen under her spell. Rachel continued to look at her as if she were edible, and Shivley had to deliberately refrain from squirming in her chair. The more Rachel looked at her, the more aroused she became to the point that she thought she might embarrass herself if she weren’t careful. She had to get out of this situation, and she needed to do it quickly.
“I appreciate that,” Shivley replied, rising from her chair to make her escape. “I’ve got to check on a few things before I call it a night. You might want to turn in as well. Tomorrow’s another busy day.” Rachel didn’t reply right away but continued looking at her as if she could see right through her weak excuse. Shivley was growing uncomfortable with the awkward silence. Finally, Rachel stood as well.
“You’re the boss.” Rachel finished her drink in one swallow. She slid by Shivley, but not before she said, “And I always do what the boss tells me to.”
Chapter Nine
Shivley finished her nightly check of the horses and settled into a chair on the front porch, a cup of warm cider in her hands. The night was cool, a soft breeze lowering the temperature another few degrees. This was Shivley’s favorite time of day; her guests had fallen into bed exhausted and the house was quiet. She used this time for reflection. Did she accomplish what she set out to do? Did she do what she wanted to do? Did she live life to the fullest today? Shivley leaned back in her chair, her legs stretching out in front of her, her boots propped on a weather-beaten wooden table. Crickets chirped their own form of communication in the darkness, and the livestock were settling down for the night.
Shivley sipped her drink. The first couple of years she would sit on the porch in this exact spot imagining Dale sitting beside her. They would talk about their hopes and dreams for the ranch and their life together. After a while Shivley finally recognized that it was just a dream and Dale would have never been sitting beside her even if they had made the move and bought the property. Actually, it never would have happened in the first place if she had not died.
Shivley was happy here, happier than she ever thought she could be. It took Dale’s death to put her in a place where she could spend the rest of her life. Guilt overwhelmed her whenever she thought about it, so she avoided thinking about it.
“May I join you?”
Rachel stepped out onto the porch, pulling Shivley back to the present. “Of course.” She sat up, her feet dropping to the porch deck.
Rachel slid a chair closer to Shivley and sat down. She had been watching Shivley for several minutes, debating with herself whether she should interrupt her private time. Shivley looked like she belonged right where she was. Rachel thought that the image in front of her could have been on a postcard or in an episode of Bonanza. She didn’t want to intrude but had an overwhelming urge to be sitting beside Shivley.
“I thought you turned in?” Shivley glanced at Rachel when she sat down beside her. She usually didn’t venture out onto the porch to unwind until her guests had gone to bed. Rachel’s interruption was a pleasant surprise.
“Changed my mind,” Rachel replied, annoyed that she had given in to the urge to spend more time with Shivley. She had been fighting the need to be with Shivley, to learn more about her ever since they first met on the dirt road. Rachel was not used to this amount of curiosity about another woman. Typically she was interested in them, yes, but generally not more than superficially and certainly not in knowing what made them tick.
“Too quiet?”
“Too excited.”
Shivley laughed. “Yeah, that happens. The first night is always full of anticipation, then every other night is sheer exhaustion.”
Shivley’s laugh flowed through Rachel’s veins. “No doubt.”
The silence was comfortable. Shivley felt no need to fill the space with chatter to make her guest feel at ease. She glanced over at Rachel, her face lit by the full moon. She looked content. Other guests were nervous, anxious, or outright bored. Rachel appeared to be none of those. The silence stretched on and Shivley thought Rachel had fallen asleep until she spoke quietly.
“I envy you.”
“This is pretty damn good, isn’t it?” Shivley knew what Rachel was referring to without her needing to spell it out. The outdoors, a ranch, animals, nature, cloudless blue sky with stars so bright you almost had to cover your eyes.
“Is it everything it appears to be?” Rachel knew life was usually anything but.
“For the most part.”
“I’ll bet the downside is worth it, though.”
“You mean the blisters, calluses, sore back, mud, rain, dirt, and blood? Then, yes. It is definitely worth it.” Shivley meant every word. Her job now was by far the hardest, most mind-numbing, physically challenging job she had ever had. And she loved every minute of it. She would not trade it for anything in the world. “If you promise not to tell anyone, I’ll share a secret with you.”
Rachel’s interest piqued. “Cross my heart.” She mimicked her words with the action.
Shivley looked around, checking to make certain no one else was within hearing range. She took a deep, steadying breath. “When I break a nail, it almost brings me to my knees.”
Rachel frowned, confused for a moment, then she laughed. She was joined by Shivley and they both were laughing so hard, tears trickled out of their eyes. Rachel was finally able to take a breath.
“My God, you were so serious I thought you were going to tell me a group of ranch gremlins came in every night and did all the real work.”
Shivley was still struggling with her own breathing, not entirely caused by the humor they were sharing. Watching Rachel laugh without a care in the world was what really almost brought her to her knees. After what seemed like forever, she pulled it together. “How could you think such a thing?” she replied in mock disgust. She paused. “They only come twice a week.” She was rewarded again with the sound of Rachel’s laugh carrying into the night.
Chapter Ten
Shivley frowned as her foot hit the last step on the stairs. The light in the kitchen was on, and as she glanced at her watch she saw it was too early for Ann to be preparing breakfast. The thick carpet muffled her boots as she walked across the expansive living room. Not certain what she would find, she peeked around the corner.
Rachel was fast asleep with her head on the table, Lucy curled up at her feet. Shivley scooted her inquisitive pooch away from the sleeping form and out the back door. That task accomplished, she was unsure if she should wake Rachel or let her sleep. She was lying in an awkward position, and Shivley was afraid she would wake with a neck so stiff she wouldn’t be able to move.
While she contemplated what she should do, she took the opportunity to silently observe her. Blond hair had fallen across most of Rachel’s face, and Shivley was tempted to brush it away but stopped herself before she moved. Muscles that she hadn’t noticed before were prominently displayed in arms that were crossed, providing Rachel’s head with some cushion against the hard pine of the table. The portion of her face that Shivley could see was pasted in a frown as if she were scowling at the world. Rachel’s feet were bare, and Shivley smiled at the toenails, polished bright red, peeking out from under the frayed hems of her jeans.
Even in sleep Rachel was beautiful, and warmth seeped into Shivley’s bones. It had been so long since she’d felt warm inside because of a woman. But here she was in the presence of a beautiful, desirable woman who wanted her, and she felt like shit. It was one thing to flirt but another thing altogether to do something about it. She enjoyed the verbal sparring with the women who came to her ranch, knowing it was harmless and that
she would never act on it. Until Rachel Stanton stopped her car in the middle of the goddamn road.
She must have made a noise because Rachel’s eyelids fluttered open. “I’m sorry. Did I wake you? I was trying to be quiet. Actually, I was trying to decide if I should wake you or let you sleep.” Shivley knew she was babbling.
Rachel sat up slowly, stretching her neck as she rose from the table. “Ouch. I just laid my head down for a minute, an hour ago,” she said, looking at the clock hanging above the toaster. She rubbed her neck. “I’m getting too old for this.” She had tossed and turned most of the night thinking about her host and had finally given up trying to sleep and come downstairs.
She had wandered through each room touching a knickknack here and there, learning more about Shivley. The rooms were not professionally decorated but bore the hand-picked tastes of their decorator, from basic, functional items to classic pieces of western memorabilia. The home of one of Rachel’s clients had been featured in Architectural Digest, and when she saw it in person it felt cold and impersonal, a museum where nothing was touched, sat in, or walked on. Her client had three young children and there was no evidence of their existence anytime she was at their home. Missing were the finger paintings cluttering the refrigerator door, the clay mug made in third-grade art class, the stray sock lying curled up in the corner. Everything had a place, nothing was out of place, and sadly, Rachel realized her apartment was just like it: a showpiece. Definitely not a home.
Shivley’s home, on the other hand, was warm and inviting, and felt lived in. An eclectic array of wooden carvings filled the second shelf of the bookcase, each one bearing the initials “SMC” on the bottom. The impression Rachel had so far of Shivley was that she had none of the pompous pretense of most of the people she knew. They didn’t even try to hide it, whereas Shively was everything she appeared to be.