“I suppose you’re right. Say, I meant to thank you for the drink back there at the castle.”
“Don’t mention it,” I waved. “It was the least I could do after bouncing you off the ceiling. Incidentally, there was nothing personal in that. I wasn’t trying to make you two look bad, I was trying to make myself look good ... if you see the difference.”
Guido’s brow furrowed slightly.
“I ... think so. Yeah! I get it. Well, it worked. You looked real good. I wouldn’t want to cross you, and neither would Nunzio. In fact, if we can ever do you a favor ... you know, bend someone a little for you ... well, just let us know.”
“Hey, what’s that?”
I looked in the direction Don Bruce was pointing. A booth was filled with short painted sticks, all floating in midair. “I think he’s selling magic wands,” I guessed.
“Oh! I want one. Now, don’t go anywhere without me.”
The bodyguards hesitated for a moment, and then followed as Don Bruce plunged into negotiations with the booth’s proprietor, who gaped a bit at his new customer.
“Does he always dress like that?” I asked Shai-ster, “You know, all in light purple?”
The Mob spokesman raised an eyebrow at me.
“Do you always dress in green when you travel to other dimensions?”
Just to be on the safe side, I had donned another disguise before accompanying this crew to Deva. It occurred to me that if I were successful in my negotiations, it wouldn’t be wise to be known at the Bazaar as the one who introduced organized crime to the dimension.
Unfortunately, this had dawned on me just as we were preparing to make our departure, so I hadn’t had much time to choose someone to disguise myself as. Any of my friends were out, as were Massha, Quigley, Garkin ... in desperation I settled on Rupert ... I mean, there was one being I owed a bad turn or two. Consequently, I was currently parading around the Bazaar as a scaly green Pervert ... excuse me, Pervect.
“I have my reasons,” I dodged loftily.
“Well, so has Don Bruce,” Shai-ster scowled. “Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got a few questions about this place. If we try to move in here, won’t language be a problem? I can’t understand anything these freaks are saying.”
“Take a look,” I instructed, pointing.
Don Bruce and the Deveel proprietor were haggling earnestly, obviously having no difficulty understanding each other, however much they disagreed.
“No Deveel worth his salt is going to let a little thing like language stand in the way of a sale.”
“Hey, everybody! Look what I got!”
We turned to find Don Bruce bearing down on us, proudly waving a small rod the same color as his clothes.
“It’s a magic wand!” he exclaimed. “I got it for a song.”
“A song plus some gold, I’d wager,” Shai-ster observed dryly. “What does it do?”
“What does it do?” Don Bruce grinned. “Watch this.”
He swept the wand across the air with a grand gesture, and a cloud of shiny dust sparkled to the ground.
“That’s it?” Shai-ster grimaced.
Don Bruce frowned at the wand.
“That’s funny. When the guy back there did it, he got a rainbow.”
He pointed the wand at the ground and shook it ... and three blades materialized out of thin air, lancing into the dust at our feet.
“Careful!” Shai-ster warned, hopping back out of range. “You’d better read the instructions on that thing.”
“I don’t need instructions,” Don Bruce insisted. “I’m a fairy godfather. I know what I’m doing.”
As he spoke, he gestured emphatically with the wand, and a jet of flame narrowly missed one of the bodyguards.
.. But this can wait,” Don Bruce concluded, tucking the wand into his waistband. “We’ve got business to discuss.”
“Yes. We were just ...”Shai-ster began.
“Shuddup! I’m talking to Skeeve here.”
The force behind Don Bruce’s sudden admonishment, combined with the Shai-ster’s quick obedience, made me hastily revise my opinion of the Mob leader. Strange or not, he was a force to be recognized.
“Now then, Mister Skeeve, what’s the police situation around here?”
“There aren’t any.”
Shai-ster’s eyebrows shot up.
“Then how do they enforce the laws?” he asked, forgetting himself.
“As far as I can tell, there are no laws either.”
“How ‘bout that, Shai-ster?” Don Bruce laughed. “No police, no laws, no lawyers. You’d be in trouble if you were born here.”
I started to ask what a lawyer was, but the godfather saved me from my own ignorance by plunging into the next question.
“How about politicians?”
“None.”
“Unions?”
“None.”
“Bookies?”
“Lots,” I admitted. “This is the gambling capital of the dimensions. As near as I can tell, though, they all operate independently. There’s no central organization.”
Don Bruce rubbed his hands together gleefully.
“You listening to this, Shai-ster? This is some world Mister Skeeve is givin’ us here.”
“He’s not giving it to us,” Shai-ster corrected. “He’s offering access to it.”
“That’s right,” I said quickly. “Exploiting it is up to your organization. Now, if you don’t think your boys can handle it...
“We can handle it. A layout like this? It’s a piece of cake.” Guido and Nunzio exchanged nervous glances, but held their silence as Don Bruce continued.
“Now if I understand this right, what you want in return for letting us into this territory is that we layoff Big Julie and Possiltum. Right?”
I count real good up to three.
“And me,” I added. “No ‘getting even with the guy who thrashed our army plans,’ no ‘join the Mob or die’ pressure. I’m an independent operator and happy to stay that way.”
“Sure, sure,” Don Bruce waved. “Now that we’ve seen how you operate, no reason we can’t eat out the same bowl. If anything, we owe you a favor for opening up a new area to our organization.”
Somehow, that worried me.
“Um ... tell you what. I don’t want any credit for this ... inside the Mob or outside. Right now, nobody but us knows I had a hand in this. Let’s keep it that way, okay?”
“If that’s what you want,” Don Bruce shrugged. “I’ll just tell the Big Boys you’re too rough for us to tangle with, and that’s why we’re going to leave you alone. Anytime our paths cross, we go ahead with your approval or we back off. Okay?”
“That’s what I want.”
“Deal?”
“Deal.”
We shook hands ceremoniously.
“Very well,” I said. “Here’s what you need to travel between here and home.”
I fished the D-Hopper out of my sleeve.
“This setting is for home. This one is for here. Push this button to travel.”
“What about the other settings?” Shai-ster asked.
“Remember the magic wand?” I countered. “Without instructions, you could get lost with this thing. I mean, really lost.”
“Come on, boys,” Don Bruce said, setting the D-Hopper. “We gotta hurry home. There’s a world here to conquer, so we gotta get started before somebody else beats us to it. Mister Skeeve, a pleasure doin’ business with you.”
A second later, they were gone.
I should have been elated, having finally eliminated one set of problems from my horizon. I wasn’t.
Don Bruce’s last comment about world conquering reminded me of Queen Hemlock’s plans. Now that the Mob was neutralized, I had other problems to solve. As soon as I got back
to the palace, I would have to...
Then it hit me.
The Mob representatives had taken the D-Hopper with them when they left. That thing was my only route back to Klah! I was stranded at the Bazaar with no way back to my own dimension!
BUT I DIDN’T panic. Why should I?
Sure, I was in a bit of a mess, but if there was one place in all the dimensions I could be confident of finding help, it was here at the Bazaar. Anything could be had here for a price, and thanks to Aahz’s training, I had made a point of stocking my pouch with money prior to our departure from Klah.
Aahz!
It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn’t thought about my old mentor for days. The crises that had erupted shortly after his departure had occupied my mind to an extent where there was no time or energy left for brooding. Except for the occasional explanation of his absence, Aahz was playing no part in my life currently. I was successfully handling things without him.
Well...
Okay. I had successfully handled some things without him ... the Mob for example. Of course, the training he had gotten me into earlier in our relationship had also provided me with confidence under fire ... another much-needed commodity these days.
‘Face it, kid,’ I said to myself in my best imitation of Aahz. ‘You owe a lot to your old mentor.’
Right. A lot. Like not making him ashamed of his prize pupil ... say by leaving a job half done.
With new resolve, I addressed my situation. First, I had to get back to Klah ... or should I look for a solution right here?
Rather than lose time to indecision, I compromised. With a few specific questions to the nearest vendor, I set a course for my eventual destination, keeping an eye out as I went for something that would help me solve the Queen Hemlock problem.
This trip through the Bazaar was different from my earlier visits. Before, my experience had been of wishing for more time to study the displays at leisure while hurrying to keep up with Aahz. This time, it was me that was pushing the pace, dismissing display after display with a casual ‘interesting, but no help with today’s problem.’ Things seemed to have a different priority when responsibility for the crisis was riding on my shoulders.
Of course, I didn’t know what I was looking for. I just knew that trick wands and instant thunderstorms weren’t it. Out of desperation, I resorted to logic.
To recognize the solution, I needed to know the problem. The problem was that Queen Hemlock was about to marry me instead of Rodrick. Scratch that. Massha was bringing Rodrick back, and I couldn’t help her. I just had to believe she could do it. The problem was Queen Hemlock.
Whether she married me or Rodrick, she was determined to use Possiltum’s military strength to wage a war of expansion. If her husband, whoever it was, tried to oppose her, he would find himself conveniently dead.
Killing the Queen would be one solution, but somehow I shrank from cold-blooded murder ... or hot-blooded murder for that matter. No. What was needed was something to throw a scare into her. A big scare.
The answer walked past me before I recognized it. Fortunately, it was moving slowly, so I turned and caught up with it in just a few steps.
Answers come in many shapes and sizes. This one was in the form of a Deveel with a small tray display hung by a strap around his neck.
“What you just said, was it true?”
The Deveel studied me.
“I said ‘Rings. One size fits all. Once on, never off.’”
“That’s right. Is it true?”
“Of course. Each of my rings is pre-spelled. Once you put it on, it self-adjusts so that it won’t come off, even if you want it to.”
“Great. I’ll take two.”
“... Because to lose a ring of such value would be tragedy indeed. Each one worth a king’s ransom ...”
I rolled my eyes.
“Look,” I interrupted. “I know it’s a tradition of the Bazaar to bargain, but I’m in a hurry. How much for two? Bottom price.”
He thought for a moment and named a figure. My training came to the fore and I made a counteroffer one-tenth of his.
“Hey! You said ‘no haggling,’” he protested. “Who do you think you are?”
Well, it was worth a try. According to Massha, I was getting a bit of a reputation at the Bazaar.
“I think I’m the Great Skeeve, since you asked.”
“... And the camel you rode in on,” the vendor sneered. “Everyone knows the Great Skeeve isn’t a Pervert.”
The disguise! I had forgotten about it completely. With a mental wave, I restored my normal appearance.
“No, I’m a Klahd,” I smiled. “And for your information, that’s Pervect!”
“You mean you’re really ... no, you must be. No one else would voluntarily look like a Klahd ... or defend Perverts ... excuse me, Pervects.”
“Now that that’s established,” I yawned, “how much for two of your rings?”
“Here,” he said, thrusting the tray forward. “Take your pick, with my compliments. I won a bundle betting on your team at the Great Game. All I ask is permission to say that you use my wares.”
It was with a great deal of satisfaction that I made my selection and continued on my way. It was nice to have a reputation, but nicer to earn it. Those two little baubles now riding in my pouch were going to get me out of the Possiltum dilemma ... if I got back in time ... and if Massha had found the King.
Those sobering thoughts brought my hat size back to normal in a hurry. The time to gloat was after the battle, not before. Plans aren’t victories, as I should be the first to know
With panic once again nipping at my heels, I quickened my pace until I was nearly running by the time I reached my final destination: the Yellow Crescent Inn.
Bursting through the door of the Bazaar’s leading fast food establishment, I saw that it was empty of customers except for a troll munching on a table in the corner.
Terrific.
I was expecting to deal with Gus, the gargoyle proprietor, but I’d settle for the troll.
“Skeeve!” the troll exclaimed. “I say, this is a surprise. What brings you to the Bazaar?”
“Later, Chumly. Right now I need a lift back to Klah. Are you busy with anything?”
The troll set his half-eaten table to one side and raised the eyebrow over one mismatched moon eye.
“Not to be picky about formality,” he said, “but what happened to ‘Hello, Chumly. How are you?’“
“I’m sorry. I’m in a bit of a hurry. Can we just ...”
“Skeeve! How’s it going, handsome?”
A particularly curvaceous bundle of green-haired loveliness had just emerged from the ladies’ room.
“Oh. Hi, Tananda. How ‘bout it, Chumly?”
Tananda’s smile of welcome disappeared, to be replaced by a puzzled frown.
“‘Oh. Hi, Tananda?’” she repeated, shooting a look at the troll. “Does anything strike you as strange about that rather low-key greeting, big brother?”
“No stranger than the greeting I just got,” Chumly confided. “Just off-hand, I’d say that either our young friend here has forgotten his manners completely, or he’s gotten himself into a spot of trouble.”
Their eyes locked and they nodded.
“Trouble,” they said together.
“Cute,” I grimaced. “Okay, so I’m in a mess. I’m not asking you to get involved. In fact, I think I’ve got it worked out myself. All I want is for you to pop me back to Klah.”
Brother and sister stepped to my side.
“Certainly,” Chumly smiled. “You don’t mind if we tag along, though, do you?”
“But I didn’t ask you to ...”
“When have you had to ask for our help before, handsome?” Tananda scolded, slipping an arm around my waist. “We’re your fr
iends, remember?”
“But I think I’ve got it handled ...”
“... In which case, having us along won’t hurt,” the troll insisted.
“Unless, of course, something goes wrong,” Tananda supplied. “In which case, we might be able to lend a hand.”
“... And if the three of us can’t handle it, we’ll be there to pull you out again,” Chumly finished.
I should have known better than to try to argue with the two of them when they were united.
“But … if ... well, thanks,” I managed. “I didn’t really expect this. I mean, you don’t even know what the trouble is.”
“You can tell us later,” Tananda said firmly, starting her conjuring to move us through the dimensions. “Incidentally, where’s Aahz?”
“That’s part of the problem,” I sighed.
And we were back!
Not just back on Klah, back in my own quarters in the palace. As luck would have it, we weren’t alone. Someday I’ll have time to figure out if it was good luck or bad.
The King was trussed up hand and foot on my bed, while Massha and J. R. Grimble were each enjoying a goblet of wine, and apparently each other’s company. At least, that was the scene when we arrived. Once Massha and Tananda set eyes on each other, the mood changed dramatically.
“Slut,” my new apprentice hissed.
“No-talent mechanic,” Tananda shot back.
“Is that freak on our payroll?” Grimble interrupted, staring at Chumly.
“Spoken like a true bean-counter,” the troll sneered. I tried to break it up.
“If we can just ...”
That brought Grimble’s attention to me.
“You!” he gasped. “But if you’re Skeeve, then who’s ...”
“King Rodrick of Possiltum,” I supplied, nodding to the bound figure on the bed. “And now that everybody knows each other, can you all shut up while I tell you what our next move is?”
THE WEDDING WENT off without a hitch.
I don’t know why I had been worried. There were no interruptions, no missed lines, nobody protested or even coughed at the wrong time. As was previously noted, Queen Hemlock had handled the planning to the last minute detail ... except for a few surprises we were holding back.
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