‘You did, but I decided to ignore you. We need to talk, Rachel. You know we do.’
I sighed, trying to feign irritation. But the truth was, I wasn’t really angry at seeing Jacob there – the only emotion I felt was relief. ‘Come on so, if you want to see Evie. She’s in here.’
Tentatively Jacob followed me, and soon we were in Evie’s room. I watched closely as he took in my sister’s figure – the tiny unmoving creature she had become. ‘Christ,’ he breathed softly, when he saw she was wired up to all the tubes and monitors. ‘Can I touch her?’
‘If you want.’
Jacob took Evie’s hand and began to stroke it. ‘Evie,’ he said gently, and when I looked again I could see he was crying.
A few minutes later, he turned to me, and though I knew I shouldn’t, I made a semi-circle with my arms and beckoned him to enter it. Silently we hugged, long and deep. It felt so good to touch him. To feel the warmth of his skin on mine.
A little while later, we drew apart and sat down.
‘What have the doctors said?’ he asked quietly, turning a little in his chair so he could face me.
‘That she’s stable, though still heavily comatose. It’s been eleven days now. Not necessarily a long time in coma terms.’
‘But a lifetime for you, right?’
I nodded. Eventually I found my voice. ‘All is not entirely lost, though. If she wakes up within the next two to three weeks, there’s a strong chance she could make a full recovery. Or certainly a significant one.’
‘And after a month?’ Jacob said, without flinching.
I allowed my eyes to drop towards the floor. ‘I prefer not to dwell on that, to be honest.’
After that we just sat there, not saying much, just taking turns to stroke Evie’s hand, to wipe her brow. Occasionally Jacob would offer a conversational titbit: how warm the sea was at the moment, the new ice-cream place that had opened down the road in Dun Laoghaire, what he was doing at work. He didn’t mention that girl again and I didn’t ask. It was hard enough to block her from my mind’s eye as it was. I could still picture her standing there in her underwear. The memory made me feel sick.
After a while, Jacob asked me did I want to grab a coffee and maybe go for a little walk.
‘A walk?’ I said, as if he had said ‘safari’.
‘I thought it might be nice to get some fresh air.’
I knew I should refuse so that he’d realize how angry I still was – but I didn’t have the energy for anger. And, in any case, had he really done such a bad thing? I’d been the one to walk out on him, not the other way round. To my surprise, I found myself nodding.
And so we walked.
Jacob didn’t try to take my hand and I was grateful for that. He didn’t try to talk to me about our relationship either, even though I knew he wanted to. Not that I was complaining or anything. For the moment, I was just happy to keep walking, not saying much, just gazing at the sky, feeling the blissfully cool air on my skin.
At some point I began telling him about my detective work, and he listened as I explained my attempts to understand Evie’s last moments before the accident – to figure out why she’d been driving the car, if she’d been having an affair and whether there was any basis to the rumour that she’d been a drug addict.
‘A drug addict?’ Jacob said, sounding shocked. ‘I mean, I know Evie had her difficulties but I didn’t see that one coming. She seemed okay in February.’
Jacob and I had flown over to London earlier in the year – I was being filmed for a British TV show – and we had gone out to dinner with Evie on two separate occasions.
‘Yes, but both of us were so distracted, Jacob. What with our work, and the fact that our marriage was falling apart, I don’t think we were capable of noticing if anything was wrong with her.’
Jacob paled – it was probably the ‘marriage falling apart’ comment. ‘I noticed how much she looked up to you, admired you,’ he said.
‘Did you?’
‘Evie always thought you were brilliant.’
I felt a lump form in my throat. ‘Sometimes I thought she hated me.’
Jacob touched me lightly on the sleeve. ‘She didn’t hate you, Rachel, she adored you. The problem was, she felt she could never match up.’
We had been walking for about forty-five minutes when out of nowhere the heavens opened. ‘Run towards that tree,’ I said, pointing at a big horse-chestnut in the distance, but it was too late: we were in a particularly open part of the park and within seconds we were drenched straight through.
We ran to the tree anyway, cowering under its branches as we waited for the rain to abate. Fifteen minutes later, it was still pouring down, monsoon-like. ‘Fuck this,’ I said, shivering and annoyed that I’d brought no proper raingear. Jacob was even worse. His light shirt provided absolutely no protection whatsoever. ‘Come on, let’s make a run for it.’
‘A run? Where to?’ Jacob said, hair sticking to his forehead.
‘To Evie’s apartment. It’s a mile or so away.’
Jacob nodded, and we withdrew from under the tree.
Twenty minutes later we stumbled into Evie’s apartment, rain-sodden and panting.
‘Here,’ I said, throwing him a towel from Evie’s hot press. ‘Have a shower, before you catch your death. I’ll throw your jeans into the tumble-dryer.’
‘Thanks,’ he said, and did just that. When he came out of the bathroom, I directed him into Evie’s room where he could wait until his jeans were dried. Then I had a quick shower myself.
About a quarter of an hour later, I tapped on the door, wearing a robe, holding Jacob’s now dry jeans. ‘Here you go,’ I said, bending down to give them to him. He was lying on top of the bed flicking through one of Evie’s books, wearing just his boxers and a T-shirt.
He took the jeans and our hands touched. At the same time, I felt the front of my robe gape open, exposing part of my left breast.
‘Rachel,’ he said, and in that instant time stood still, neither of us speaking. Then he tugged me towards him using the cord of my robe.
‘Jacob,’ I whispered in what was supposed to be a warning tone. But it was no such thing. I could already hear the desire, thick and heavy, in my breath.
I allowed him to remove my robe, and then I just stood naked in front of him, as he ran a hand over my breasts. ‘I’ve missed you so much,’ he murmured.
I didn’t reply, didn’t move a muscle, but when he pulled me closer, I allowed my head to fall into the crook of his neck so I could breathe him in.
There was no girl now: just me and Jacob and the tiny universe we occupied, everything at once so familiar and so foreign – the smell of Jacob’s skin, the weight of his arms. It had been so long and I’d missed him. I’d missed him so much.
Jacob put his hand under my chin and lifted my face to meet his, looking deep into my eyes, breathing in my breath. Then we kissed, for what felt like hours, and everything became sense and touch: our own private paradise.
Finally, he entered me, whispering, ‘I love you,’ over and over, and so did I, tears building at the corners of my eyes before trickling down my cheeks and running into my mouth.
Afterwards, we just lay there, wrapped in each other’s arms, staring at the ceiling.
‘I mean it, Rachel. I do love you. I can’t do this any more. I want you back.’
I turned to face him, traced a finger down his cheek. I knew what he meant. The only thing that made sense any more was the love I felt for him. But how could we get back together when I knew he wanted children? When I knew I wasn’t enough.
‘Do you mind if I get a cigarette?’ I said, throwing back the duvet cover, touching his arm to reassure him I wouldn’t be long. I was hoping a quick smoke might give me a chance to make sense of what had just happened. Everything was propelling me towards saying yes to Jacob, agreeing to get back together. But I needed a moment to catch my breath and make sure I was doing the right thing.
I threw m
y robe back on and headed for the kitchen where my bag lay.
‘Hello, there.’
I nearly jumped out of my skin to find Donnagh sitting at the dining-room table, cutting an apple with a knife. ‘Fucking hell, when did you come in?’
‘About five minutes ago. Didn’t you hear me?’
‘No, I didn’t,’ I muttered. ‘What time is it anyway?’
‘Six o’clock.’
Six o’clock! Jacob and I must have nodded off for over an hour after we’d made love.
Donnagh continued to look at me, a quizzical expression on his face. ‘Are you okay, Rachel? What’s with the bathrobe? Are you sick or something?’
‘Not sick, no.’ I looked back towards the bedroom.
‘Listen, I was thinking. Do you fancy grabbing a bite to eat? I’m fed up of cooking and I’d like a steak. Do you want to go to the bistro down the road – my treat?’
I stared at him, trying to quell a rising panic. Why was it that I didn’t want Jacob and Donnagh to bump into each other?
A moment later there was a bang, then the creak of a door opening. In an instant Jacob appeared wearing nothing but his boxers, scratching the back of his head. ‘Rach, are you okay out here? I thought I heard voices.’
I froze.
‘Rachel,’ he said again, and advanced further, past the half-wall that separated the dining room from the living space.
‘Jesus, who are you?’ he said, jolting upon spotting Donnagh.
‘I might ask you the same thing,’ Donnagh said, getting up from the table and putting down his apple but not, I noticed, the knife.
‘Donnagh, this is my, um, husband, Jacob. He was just over visiting Evie.’
‘Was he now?’ Donnagh said, in a strange, unfriendly voice. He looked at me then, an accusing glare, and I felt like asking what his problem was. Jacob was my husband, for fuck sake, even if we were separated. I didn’t have to explain my sex life to him. How dare he pretend to be outraged?
‘And you are?’ Jacob challenged, not seeming the least bit intimidated.
‘I’m Donnagh, Eve’s partner,’ he said, and I nearly laughed. Eve’s partner indeed. The two of them had only been going out with each other for five minutes.
‘What are you doing here?’ Jacob asked, in a similarly hostile tone. ‘Why are you in Evie’s flat?’
‘I live here, or didn’t your wife tell you?’ Donnagh said, his jaw twitching.
Jacob looked at me as if Donnagh had punched him. ‘Is this true?’
‘Yes,’ I said, unable to meet his eye. ‘Yes, it is.’
Back in Evie’s room, Jacob was furiously throwing on his clothes, his face contorted with anger. ‘Who the fuck is that clown? And what were you thinking, moving in with him?’
‘He’s Evie’s boyfriend. I told you about him.’
‘When?’
‘That day in Dublin.’ I paused. ‘That day with the girl.’
Now it was Jacob’s turn to drop his eyes. ‘Rachel. What the hell is he doing here? He could be a madman.’
I shrugged. ‘He and Evie had moved in together temporarily. He was here before I was. How was I supposed to kick him out?’
‘Oh, for fuck s-sake!’ Jacob stuttered. ‘This is a farce. You don’t know him from Adam.’
‘I’ve been living with him for nearly two weeks, actually. I’ll admit I had my own suspicions at the beginning, but he’s turned out to be okay.’
Jacob sighed. ‘Rachel, I really don’t like the vibe off that guy. I’m going to get rid of him.’
He made a beeline for the door, but I ran in front of him and blocked it. ‘You’ll do no such thing!’ I exploded. ‘You’re not going to come in here now, like John fucking Wayne, and cause a huge fight with someone you don’t even know. Who I have to live with.’
‘Rachel, you’ve got to admit there’s something dodgy about him.’
I clicked my tongue. ‘Jacob, how would you know? You’ve only just met him. And, quite frankly, how dare you? You were asked to stay in Ireland. You came here anyway. Now you want to throw out Donnagh, even though he’s Evie’s boyfriend. Even though she wanted him to be here.’
‘I’m just worried about you, Rach. He seems creepy.’
‘Worried about your ego, more like. You don’t like the idea of me living with a tall, dark, handsome man.’
‘Fucking handsome,’ Jacob spat. ‘Did you see the way he kept holding that knife? What was that about?’
‘Oh, just quit it, Jacob. Not so nice now, is it? Getting a dose of your own medicine?’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘It means it was fine for you to be caught in bed with someone else. But when you find I’m living with a gorgeous man, you can’t handle it.’
‘You think he’s gorgeous?’
‘No,’ I said, feeling my cheeks flame. ‘I’m just saying you’re jealous. And you want to wreck things.’
‘I don’t want to wreck anything,’ he said, a little softer now. ‘I just want to help you by kicking that arsehole out.’
‘Oh, for fuck sake, Jacob,’ I said, slamming the palm of my hand back against the wall. ‘Just go, will you? Go back to Dublin and stop causing all this hassle.’
Jacob looked at me as if I had forty heads. ‘Rachel, what are you talking about? What about what we just did back there?’ He pointed towards the bed.
‘What about it?’
‘We made love. For the first time in three months. It was amazing.’
‘It was just sex,’ I said, the words tumbling out.
‘Just sex,’ Jacob said. ‘Rachel, who do you think you’re talking to? This is me, Jacob, not some stranger. Please speak to me normally, for Chrissake.’
A deep sadness enveloped me, but the toxic words continued to tumble from my mouth. ‘Jacob, I am speaking to you normally. I was lonely. We shagged. Now you need to leave.’
I had no idea what was making me say these things.
Jacob took a step towards me, grabbed my shoulders. ‘Rachel, you can’t mean that. I love you. You love me. Whatever has happened, we can get through it together. You know we can.’
His eyes were shimmering now, and I could feel the heat of his body at the point where we touched. Slowly, I removed myself from his grasp. ‘Jacob, I’m sorry, I can’t deal with this now. Please go back to Dublin.’
‘Rachel, come on. This is madness.’
‘Jacob. Please.’
Tears were running down his cheeks. ‘Rachel, I know there’s the kids issue but –’
‘Jacob!’ I shouted, loud enough to stop him in his tracks. ‘Don’t you understand? I can’t deal with this right now. Have some fucking compassion and just leave me in peace.’
He looked as if I had slapped him hard across the face. For a second he remained completely still. Then, all of a sudden, he swung into action, picking up his jacket from the bedroom floor. ‘Fine, if that’s what you want, I’ll go.’
‘Good,’ I said, my mouth screwed up in anger.
‘Are you sure this is what you want? Because I won’t be coming back a second time.’
‘I’m sure,’ I said. ‘Now go.’
46.
Evie
I suppose I’d better get back to Artie, mortifying though it is to think about him. Let’s just say it didn’t work out. In fact it went badly, badly wrong.
The kiss lasted all of about half a second before Artie pulled back, a look of horror on his face. ‘Christ, Evie, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.’ He struggled to get the words out.
‘Artie, it’s okay,’ I said, trying to rub his arm – but he had moved away from me.
‘Evie, I’m sorry,’ he said again. ‘I honestly don’t know what came over me.’
‘It’s okay, it was my fault too. I kissed you first. I know it was wrong but …’ I stopped. If I’d known it was wrong, why had I done it? Normally I harboured nothing but revulsion for adulterers, for people who tore apart families.
�
�Evie,’ Artie said quietly, trying to gather himself, ‘look, we had a bit to drink. We’re both tired and emotional.’
I shrugged.
‘And we never got to say goodbye all those years ago, not properly, I mean.’
I hung my head in shame. That had been my fault – I had skulked off to London without telling him. I hadn’t even left a note.
‘So let’s chalk up what happened back there to a final goodbye. Closure, if you want to call it that.’
I stared at him, trying to figure out if he was being serious or not. Back when I’d known him, he’d never used words like ‘closure’. But he was different now that he was with Shannon.
‘Evie,’ Artie said. ‘We have a lot of history together. We loved each other once upon a time. So maybe that was all those long-lost feelings coming to the surface.’
I felt my heart leap.
But my hopes were dashed.
‘I’m in love with Shannon now, Evie. We have a little baby on the way.’ He dropped his head, then looked up again. ‘So I want to apologize – I was completely out of order. And now, for both our sakes, I think we should say goodbye.’
‘Goodbye?’ I squeaked.
‘Yes. I don’t think we should meet up again. It’s not fair on any of us, most especially Shannon, and we need to move on with our lives. Agreed?’
His wild curly hair was even wilder and curlier than usual – and in that instant I felt such a surge of pain that I thought I would faint with the power of it. I realized how much I loved him – how much I had always loved him. But I had cast him away and now it was too late. He was right: the only decent thing to do was to let him go. His place was with Shannon and his child now. And I would never be so callous as to break up a family. After all, I had come from a broken home. I knew what the reality of that was like.
‘Okay,’ I whispered, unable to look at him.
‘Evie,’ he said, not daring to touch me again. ‘Please promise me you’ll take care of yourself.’
‘I will.’
‘Will you?’
‘Yes,’ I repeated, more forcefully. ‘I will. And you mind yourself too – good luck with the wedding and the baby and all that.’
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