He needed psychiatric help. He doubted other guys carried a torch like he had. And he knew it was fucking stupid but he had no idea how to just let it go.
Maybe he’d drink a lot tonight. They weren’t leaving until sometime the next day, and checkout was late morning, so if he partied a little harder than usual, he’d be okay. If Val was sleeping (as he suspected), he could ask her to drive the first shift if he needed to catch a few extra Zs.
He decided to chat with various band members. Thus far, networking had not let him down. He never knew when a person he’d met could help him along the way. Sometimes, by simply knowing other bands and asking them to commit to a date, he could book a show because he’d lined up several bands for it. He had only managed to do that because he had taken the time to get to know the people in the bands, and he had a good rapport with them. They had come to realize that Fully Automatic (and Brad in particular) was reliable. They did what they said they were going to do. So they had a good reputation. Brad saw no reason to not keep up the streak, and he would do it by befriending people in the other bands. Some of the guys he already knew, but a few of them were new additions. It happened. In the world of indie metal, line ups changed all the time, and some groups simply disbanded when they couldn’t get along anymore or had a difference of artistic opinion. Last Five Seconds was one of the few that was going to make it. They’d found recognition and were going to the next level, and Brad suspected they’d never play with those guys again because of it (or until Fully Automatic made it as well). Spanky’s Kids, the other band they’d toured with the year before, had already split up. There were too many egos involved. The singer and drummer had since started up a new band, but Spanky’s Kids was no more. Brad had seen that happen a lot. Sometimes, it made the individuals stronger, but they were starting over at the bottom. At least if your band had a name, you had a fan base and recognition. He didn’t think their fans loved him personally. It was his band. If they had to replace a member, they’d move on, but he couldn’t imagine starting from scratch. Fully Automatic was his band and always would be. The guys knew it too.
But Brad was feeling happy with his band right now and the other bands they’d played with, and discussing music with any one of the guys of any one of the other bands was in order. He was chatting with two of them when he spied Valerie just across the room. She too was mingling, chatting with people here and there. Goddamn…she was just like him in that respect. She knew how important it was to get to know people and establish good will. He couldn’t remember anymore whose idea it had been to bring her on board, but it was a damn good idea. The best.
And that thought alone made the vice around his heart clamp down again. God, he ached for that woman, and she had no idea. He knew, though—he knew deep down that it would end in heartache, and he didn’t know if it would be worse than the pain he felt now. He didn’t know if he was willing to take that risk with her anymore.
Of course, he knew he wouldn’t act on any attraction he felt anyway. He’d promised her, promised her dad, and the band was better for it.
It didn’t stop him from feeling, though.
He forced himself to concentrate on the conversations he was engaging in, but after a while, he was alone again, and that was when he noticed she was in the kitchen. It looked like Ethan was giving her a hard time, and the guy was holding her on his lap. That meant Ethan was stoned, drunk, or both, and he hadn’t found some girl willing to suck his dick for the evening. That was unusual for Ethan, because he usually had a line of girls ready and willing.
By the time he got to the kitchen area, he heard Val say, “You’re my friend, Ethan. And you’re drunk.” Brad sat in the chair next to Ethan’s. “Let me go.”
Ethan was out of control. Brad hoped he would listen to reason. “There a problem here?”
Ethan scowled and barely made eye contact with his friend. “No problem. Just tellin’ my girlfriend what she means to me.” What the fuck was the guy taking? He and Val had been split up for over a year.
Val tried pulling away. “I’m not your girlfriend, Ethan. I haven’t been in a long time.”
“Why can’t we be again?”
“Why don’t you ask me when you’re sober?”
Enough. He didn’t want to have to get physical with his brother, but he would if he had to. He hoped he’d listen to reason with whatever part of his brain was still paying attention. “You heard her, Ethan.”
“Fine.”
As soon as he let go, Val stood up. She grabbed a glass of water on the table and Brad saw her whisper to him, “Thanks.”
“Aw, c’mon, babe.”
Smart girl. She kept walking. Brad looked in his friend’s eyes. “You gonna be okay?”
Ethan smirked. He was fucking wasted. “Getting there.”
Brad felt helpless again. This was one of those times where his friend had gone overboard, and there would be nothing he could do except watch the guy make an ass out of himself. There was no saving him until he decided to take care of himself. Brad stood and patted Ethan on the shoulder. “Let me know if you need anything.” He knew Ethan wouldn’t take him up on his offer, never had, but it didn’t stop him from wanting to say it.
He wanted to find Valerie and make sure she was okay—both physically and emotionally. He grabbed the bottle of spiced rum off the counter that he’d bought and forgotten about and a shot glass and moved toward the love seat in the living area where he saw her sitting. She was sipping her water and she looked introspective. She was probably questioning what she ever saw in Ethan. He knew, though, that when Ethan was sober, he was one of the most charming people a girl could ever meet and fall for. It was temporary, but Val looked like she needed a friend just the same.
He sat next to her and said, “Sorry Ethan was being such a dick.”
She laughed. “Like you have any control over him. But seriously…thanks for the save. I appreciate it.”
“That’s what friends are for.” He poured a shot and asked, “Want one?”
She shrugged but said, “Yeah…just one, though.” When he handed it to her, she gulped it down.
He poured another shot. “Sure you don’t want more?”
“Positive. But thanks.”
He swallowed one himself. Damn…that felt good. He needed a little liquid steel and this felt about right. He was going to ask a tough question. “So…you still love him?”
She looked shocked. “Ethan?”
“Yeah…who else? Jet?” Oh, fuck. Did he really want to know the answers to any of these questions? Yes…and no. And he couldn’t even blame the liquor because he hadn’t had enough yet.
Still, she smiled and considered the question. “Ha. Love is a thing of the past. I don’t plan to ever give my heart to a man again.”
That was when he knew she was lying to him. “Oh, stop that shit, Val. You’re talking to me. I’m your friend, and I know better. I know you’ve been hurt and you’re afraid of risking love again. Am I right?” He read her lyrics and they were like a lifeline to her heart. She was afraid of taking another chance, but she hadn’t closed off her heart.
He knew exactly how she felt.
Her eyes searched his for a few seconds before she answered. “That’s not it. I just don’t have a place in my life for a man. That’s all. Especially right now.”
“You forget…I actually read your goddamned lyrics, Val. And I sing some of them. I don’t just give them lip service.” He couldn’t look her in the eyes anymore and he needed another shot, so he concentrated on tilting the bottle over the shot glass. “You are a romantic, whether you want to admit it or not.”
“Okay…so I’ll admit it. All right? But…so far, all real life romance has done for me is break my heart.”
“Makes for some good songs, right?” He felt an opening, like it was time to have a tête-à-tête about something that had bothered him for a long time. “And so now you’re playing this sex-starved goddess onstage. Does that validate your fe
elings? Or do you think you’ll find the perfect man by doing that?”
“What? Are you drunk too?”
He wished, but he was a long way from it. No, he was saying something she didn’t want to hear. Still, he couldn’t help but laugh. “Hell, no. Not even close.”
“Well, bottom line…I’m not looking for the perfect man. I don’t want a man right now, perfect or not. That’s not on my agenda.”
That was good, but it didn’t explain the provocative persona she’d been wearing for a while now. “So what is?”
“Making our band successful, and…” She wanted to say something more, and so he raised his eyebrows, encouraging her to spit it out. “And having fun.”
Maybe the alcohol was loosening him up, because he couldn’t stop the words before they spilled out of his mouth. “What kind of fun?”
He saw her eyes grow wider as she said, “Any kind.”
Holy fuck. Was he understanding what she was saying? If he wasn’t mistaken, she was full on flirting with him, and not like the shit they’d been doing onstage lately. He should have walked away or taken another drink or laughed. Instead, he tried to get his bearings. He took a deep breath and rested his elbows on his thighs, his hands pressed together as though in prayer, and he rested his lips on the tips of his fingers. Yeah, he might have been slow on the uptake once in a while, but she was definitely flirting with him, and he couldn’t resist. Just couldn’t. Valerie had never been his, never would be his, but he couldn’t resist just once, now that they were adults, playing back. He smiled and said simply, “Any kind, huh?” He turned his head then and looked her in the eyes. He wanted her to know she needed to stop right there because what she was doing wasn’t fair. “That could get you into trouble, Valerie.”
Instead, she sat up. He could barely hear her voice. “Don’t I know that.” Her eyes drifted down to his lips, and he felt his blood start to rush and swirl. The rest of the room stilled at that moment. He couldn’t hear the music playing anymore, couldn’t hear the cacophony of voices, didn’t sense anyone or anything but Val at that moment. And it was as though he was watching a movie and not his own life in the moment. She set her glass of water down and leaned forward, touching her lips to his.
He didn’t—couldn’t—stop her.
She grabbed his shirt in her fists and pulled him close to her, and it was as though he’d lost all control. All the years of every pent-up emotion he’d felt for Val came through that kiss, and there was no stopping it. He pulled her close and kissed her as though the world was ending and it was the last thing he’d ever do. He couldn’t stop his tongue from entering her mouth, but he fought against the rest of his body because another few seconds and he was going to have a massive hard on. He had to stop, had to quit this. It was wrong. He and Val would never work and he knew it. He couldn’t let it continue, because it was going to hurt even worse if he did. So, even though he didn’t let her go, he broke his lips from hers and opened his eyes. “We can’t do this, Val.”
She took a breath. “Do what?”
“This. Us. We can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Ethan, for starters…and he’s right over there.”
“Are you kidding? Ethan? The guy who fucked around on me more than once? We haven’t been together in a long time, Brad. That ship sailed a long time ago.”
He’d have to dig deep. She was resisting his arguments and that was making it even harder for him to think rationally. “And then there’s Jet…”
“Jet? Seriously? Brad, he and I broke up…almost a year ago.”
“Bullshit. You guys hooked up again last…November or December, wasn’t it?”
She sighed. She barely kept her voice from sounding like she was dealing with a child. “We made out. That was it. And we decided friends only.”
Why was she doing this? Did she not know how this could wreck him? “And the band, Val. That’s why we stayed away in the first place.”
“That was your idea, and if mine and Ethan’s fucked-up relationship hasn’t ruined the band…” He saw a shadow pass over her eyes, and she grabbed her glass of water. She took a drink and said, “Know what? You don’t want to, just grow a fucking pair and say so.” Holy shit. She was pissed. Where the fuck had that come from? She stood. “Jesus.”
Oh, God, she had no idea how he felt about her. He wanted to. Hell, yeah, he wanted to. “Val, that’s not it—”
“Good night, Brad.” She walked straight out of the suite without looking back.
This was one of those crossroads moments. He could let her go to bed mad at him, let her sleep it off, and the next day, he could buy her a cup of coffee and they could have a rational discussion like they always had, and he could tell her why—really why—he didn’t want to.
Or he could go talk to her right now…and let the chips fall where they may.
Chapter Forty-four
BRAD’S LEGS WERE moving before his brain had fully engaged. He wanted to believe. Maybe this time it was meant to be, right? Third time’s a charm or some shit like that?
No, whether or not anything happened, he felt compelled for some stupid ass reason to explain himself to her. She was pissed off at him, like she’d thought he was rejecting her, and that wasn’t the case. He needed to make that clear.
No. He didn’t need to. He wanted to.
He went to her room and knocked. It was quiet. He didn’t hear any motion and wondered if she’d even gone to her room. In her anger, she might have stormed out of the building. But he wasn’t leaving—not till he was sure.
Val opened the door finally, and she didn’t look happy. Worse, though—she was just wearing the t-shirt she’d been wearing earlier and nothing else. No pants, no shoes. Maybe this had been a bad idea. But he was already committed, and he wasn’t leaving until he’d said his piece. “Can I come in?”
She nodded, inviting him in and then closing the door once he was inside. They were standing in the center of the room. He took a deep breath, found the words, and then just spat them out. “I know you’re not with those guys now, but that doesn’t mean your heart’s not. And I promised your dad.”
After staring him down, she started laughing. “That was over two years ago, Brad.”
She was killing him. “I don’t know what’s so funny.”
She was too close to him as she cocked her head and lowered her voice. “Seriously? Brad, he was worried about my virtue and of some guy forcing me to do something I didn’t want to do.” She looked at his lips and then into his eyes again, and he could feel his resolve crumbling. “Do I look unwilling to you?” She got even closer, so near to him he could feel her body heat, and he clamped his teeth together. “I might not remember what he said word for word, but three words stuck in my mind—without her consent. Know why I remember that?” He shook his head, trapped, mesmerized, lost. “Because up until that point in my life, I’d been told how premarital sex was a sin, and I should save my virginity for marriage, although my mom decided to spring on me right before college that if I loved a boy, it would be enough. For my dad to throw in that he’d kill anyone who touched me without my consent…well, that kinda blew everything else out of the water.” Her eyes pierced his when she said, “So give me one good reason why we shouldn’t do this.”
That was it. He was done. She would be his downfall, and he didn’t give a fuck anymore. He wanted to do this, had to do this. His voice was a whisper when he said, “I can’t.”
She wrapped her hand around his neck, and he bent over to kiss her. He felt so much with that one kiss—it was an onslaught of emotion and hormones rushing through his body. He could feel his heart beating faster as her nails dug into his neck. If they were gonna do this, they were gonna do it, and he felt like he had already signed his own death warrant and was being dragged into the depths of perdition. And he didn’t care anymore. This was Val, and now she was his, even if it was only for a little while. She could be the death of him. He was willing to accept it.
He was afraid he was being too rough with her, but he couldn’t stop himself. Now that he’d decided to just go with it, he could hardly contain himself. His kisses were hard and demanding, but she didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she was pulling his t-shirt up before he could register it. His brain wasn’t keeping up with his body or his heart.
He grabbed his shirt to help her get it over his head, and then he felt her hands on his chest, and he knew he had no control. The train was on the tracks, and there was no stopping it till it reached its destination. He took the bottom of her shirt in his hands and she pulled it the rest of the way off, throwing it to the floor. His brain was turned off now, and he was operating on instinct. He bent at the knees and lifted her up, wrapping her legs around him and walking toward the bed.
Because he knew he had no control, he had no idea how long he’d last, and he didn’t want to take the chance of being a shitty lover the first time he and Val were together. They had so many reasons to not be together, to not do it, that he didn’t want to give her another reason to toss him out on his ass. He was going to do something he knew he was good at. So as he lay her down, her knees draped over the bed, he kissed her on the lips but then moved to her neck, then to her collarbone and her breast, reaching behind her to undo the clasp that held the bra together. She sighed and arched her back, assuring him that he was on the right track.
Her hand was in his hair, and she’d twisted some of the strands around her fingers. He loved the way it felt—kind of possessive, kind of demanding. He pulled the bra off her shoulders and just tried to appreciate the moment. He’d seen her breasts before, yeah, but that was a time when she was distressed and needed his help, and he hadn’t gawked, much as he’d wanted to. Now, though, he could look upon her beauty and appreciate it, and he was going to. Yeah, he’d imagined what she’d looked like under those bras and corsets she’d worn onstage, but he was seeing the real deal now. He bent over and took a nipple in his mouth, tonguing around the circle as it hardened against his touch. She let out a loud sigh as her fingers tightened against his hair.
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