by Joya Ryan
Harper raised her brows, waiting for me to finish.
“Let’s just say his intensity carries into the bedroom.”
“Ah.” She nodded. “And you are comfortable with everything he does, in and out of that bedroom, right?”
“Yes. Jack is very considerate of me. He pushes my limits, but in a good way. I’ve never been scared, and he’s never restrained me.”
“Has he done anything else?”
I took a deep breath. “He’s spanked me.” The words were barely audible.
She stared at me for a moment. When she didn’t say anything, I moved quickly past that little fact and went on.
“He’s close with Cal, they’re like brothers. Grew up together, and he said they protected each other, which makes me think something happened.”
“Okay, there’s the speculation. You have to be careful with that.”
“He came from meager means. He speaks fondly of his mother, and hardly at all about his father, yet he’s the one who raised him after his mother died.”
She pursed her lips and tapped her chin. “So, based on the facts, the guy you’re dating has a shit ton of layers.”
“It would seem so.”
The first night I met him, he stepped in and protected me. I’ve also seen the look of sheer terror on his face. Heard him talk about Cal. Felt his control and experienced his brand of love making. There was a lot going on behind the face of Jack Powell
“I think that if you want to continue this relationship and have any kind of growth, you have to get to know each other on these different levels. So, now, after having gone through the facts, you have to decide what you want and what your limits are. What are the things you’re willing to concede on?”
“I want things with us to work.”
“But if he’s not being honest with you, and you aren’t being honest with him, you have to realize that could come back to bite you in the ass.”
“How am I not being honest?”
A look of pity laced her face. “Have you told him about Brock? What he did to you?”
“No,” I shot out quickly.
“Do you have any intention of telling him?”
I opened my mouth to reply, then shut it, because reality hit. “No,” I whispered. “Because it’s shaming. I don’t want to remember it. I’m trying to move past it.”
Harper nodded. “I know. Your past comes with demons I wouldn’t want to remember either. But you never know what demons line Jack’s closet. If you aren’t willing to share yours…”
“I can’t expect him to share his,” I finished.
I closed my eyes, because what I’d thought was a storm brewing between us, was turning into to a massive hurricane. There was a lot to think about. Like how to proceed with Jack. If I told him about Brock, would he look at me differently? Pity me? Think I’m tainted or damaged beyond repair?
Jack was the one man who looked at me and treated me like I was beyond some ruined little girl. And I didn’t want to lose that. But I wanted him. So much. In every way. Harper was right. It would have to be a give and take. Question was, what would I allow myself to give?
Chapter Sixteen
I pounded on Jack’s front door. It was just after eight o’clock and I’d only seen him a few hours ago, when he dropped me off, but this couldn’t wait.
“Lana?” he opened the door. He was still wearing his jeans and button-up. As if the idea of relaxing escaped him.
“I’m sorry for just showing up.” The whole half-hour drive to his place, I’d spent thinking about why what I was about to do was a bad idea. Yet, I still showed up.
“Are you okay?” he asked fiercely, like he may just go kick some ass if I asked him to. The notion made me happy. The truth was, no, I wasn’t okay.
“Can we talk for a second?”
He opened the door and led me in to the living room. “Can I get you something to drink or eat?”
“No, thank you,” I said, and paced in his living room, my fingers threading and unthreading. “I just need to talk to you.”
“Okay,” he stood tall and still and crossed his arms. Waiting. I, however, continued to pace in front of the fireplace like a fidgety wreck.
Deep breath.
“I…I want to tell you about something that happened to me.”
He lifted his chin, his brows gathering slightly with questions. If I didn’t get this out now, I never would.
Another deep breath…
“I was raped when I was thirteen.”
The words held so much weight, that the moment they slipped out of my mouth, I felt lighter, and instantly sick. As if purging this secret was like purging part of my being.
“I’m telling you this because it’s not fair for me to ask for so much from you and give you nothing in return. I trust you, that’s why I’m telling you. I just…”
I shook my head, unable to look at him, for fear of what I’d see. “I don’t want to talk about it. Because it’s terrible. I understand the idea of not wanting to share something because it’s so bad. But you,” I met his eyes for a moment, which looked like they were forged of black fire, “You changed all that.”
I took a step toward him. “I hate this,” I whispered. “This secret…this feeling…it’s been buried and a part of me for so long, I don’t know who I am without it. Then, I met you, and you made me feel alive. Make me feel like there’s more to life than the past. You’re helping me move past it.”
His chest slowly rose on a long inhale. “Jesus.” He ran a hand through his hair, but didn’t move. I had no idea what to expect. What to say.
My body started shaking slightly and he cupped my shoulders and looked me over. “What’s happening?” he asked.
I could barely hear him. Blood was rushing to my ears, my mind was fogging, and my vision was wavering. I couldn’t breathe, so I tried harder, but it only made it worse.
“P-panic…” I said, but it sounded like a muffled sound in my eardrums. I hadn’t had an attack in so long, but I couldn’t stop it this time. My legs lost their stability, and before I hit the ground, Jack caught me. The last thing I felt was his big arms surrounding me, as my entire body went numb, and my mind went black.
~
“Lana…”
Jack was calling me. I looked around to find him, but it was foggy.
“There you go, baby. Open your eyes.”
I blinked several times. Finally, the haze cleared, and Jack was looking down at me. I was laying on the couch.
“Oh no,” I whispered. “I passed out, didn’t I?”
He stroked the back of his fingers along my cheek. “Is this a recurring thing for you?”
“Not for a while.” By that, I meant not since Brock had moved to New York and away. Harper was the only person who knew and believed me about Brock and the incident. I’d never said it out loud before to another person since that night. Between my father calling earlier, and admitting this dark secret to Jack, my anxiety got the better of me and I tapped out.
“How long was I out?”
“Thirty-four seconds,” Jack said. I couldn’t help but smile. He’d actually counted. “I was going to call an ambulance, but you were mumbling, your eyes fluttering, and you were breathing. Your heart was racing, though.”
“There’s no need for an ambulance. I’m fine.” I looked up at him. Concern laced his face. “Thanks for catching me.”
He cupped my face in both hands and kissed my forehead along my hairline several times. The gesture was so sincere, so sweet, like he cherished me.
“I didn’t mean to come here and be dramatic and—”
“You just said something out loud that, judging by the effect on you, you haven’t spoken of much. Don’t you dare be sorry or think that’s dramatic. That’s brave.”
“I pretend like it’s not a big deal, but, it still haunts me. I just wanted to tell you because you make me feel better. Make me feel stronger and happier.” Though I left the part out about wh
o the person was, I still told him the one thing I’d never told anyone outside of Harper. Of course, I’d told my father, but he didn’t believe or support me.
“Does this change things between us?”
He nodded. “Yes.”
I folded my lips together. It was what I was afraid of. He’d think I was dirty or ruined—
“I’ve never respected anyone more in my life,” he said, and my pulse skipped. “But this is the first time where I’m fighting my instinct on what to do.”
“What do you mean?”
He shook his head. “I want to make this better…yet, I feel like all I’ve done is make it worse. Played on a bad moment of your life.”
“You haven’t. That’s why I told you. Because of how much I do trust you and how much I love our time together. All of it.”
He shook his head. “There’s something dark in me.”
“You can tell me,” I whispered.
His eyes smoldered as they fastened on my face. “You’re tapping on fractured glass.”
I reached and held his hand, brought it to my mouth, and kissed his palm. I wouldn’t push. That wasn’t the point of me telling him. I did it because Harper was right, there was give and take. I gave what I could. I gave the truth, omitting one detail. Which was the who. It was up to Jack if he’d take it and give back.
“You’re the only one who makes me feel out of control. And it terrifies me,” he said in a low tone. “You say you love our time together? I don’t know how to love correctly.” His jaw tightened. “I could be the worst thing for you, and yet I can’t give you up.”
“I don’t want you to,” I said.
“There will come a time where I can’t keep you.”
“Are you still worried I can’t handle you?”
“Yes,” he said in a gruff tone. “But in a very different way than I imagined.”
My lips parted on a silent gasp. Jack’s secrets ran deep. Whatever waters we were treading were dark ones. He stood up and looked down at me.
“I don’t want you driving home. I’ll call Harper to come get you.”
“Wait.” I rose to face him. “I’m fine. Please, can we finish a single conversation?”
“It’s not a good idea.”
“Why?”
“Because!” he faced me, so close that I felt his warmth dance from him, heating my own skin, and he wasn’t even touching me. “What I want to do right now is…”
“Is what?”
“It’s sick.”
“What do you want to do?”
He stepped toward me. “I want to fuck you.” He scoffed. “How disgusting is that? You bare your soul, and you know what instinct drives me? Taking you. Feeling you. Surrounding you. Anything to take away the pain you felt. But all I’m doing is adding to it.”
“You’re not! Don’t you understand? It’s the connection we have that I need. I want you too. So much. Because you’re my goodness. From my memories to my experiences…everything good is from you.”
He shook his head, and took another step toward me, then another.
“Push me away, Lana.”
“No,” I whispered.
He took another step. “Push. Me. Away.”
“No,” I said more firmly.
“You asked me if I enjoy inflicting pain?” Another step. “The answer is no. I don’t. I know what it feels like to be beaten, marred, cut, and broken. Throughout every moment, as it happened, I thought that pain was part of love. Because nothing else made sense.”
My heart broke open for the man before me. “It was your dad, wasn’t it? That hurt you?”
“Until the day I outgrew him.” Another step. “I would have killed him. I almost did. Cal stopped me. He’s the reason my father didn’t die years ago by my hand.”
My eyes shot wide, and the tears I’d been fighting lined them.
“Is that what you want me to share? How I’m a monster? That pain translates into some kind of fucked up notion of love? Or caring?”
“Yes.” Because that was Jack. His scars and all. And he was trusting them to me. Just like I trusted him.
“Every day, I worry I’m him. Will become him. Because, while I hate pain, a twisted part of me loves watching your pretty skin turn pink from my hand. The feel of your ass warm and red, the snapping sound of my hand coming down.” His eyes darkened another degree. “They’re conflicting emotions. I hate it and love it. It’s a part of me. And all I can think of is getting lost to that part. Because with you, that’s what happens.” He was right against me, mouth brushing mine. “I lose myself to you.”
My back met the wall, and he surrounded me. “Now you know the fucked up piece of my brain. So, I’ll tell you one more time: Push me away.”
I swallowed hard. “No.”
His mouth crashed down on mine. I kissed him back. Crazed and ready for him. Wanting to lose myself right back.
I breathed his name. “Thank you.” I kissed him hard, clung to him, clawed at his clothes. “Thank you,” I repeated. I wanted to know him. To understand, to feel him on every level he’d let me, and he finally let me in. Give and take.
Now I wanted him to take me. In every way. Because when I was with him, a part of him, I felt better. Was better.
I tore at his shirt and pants, and my clothes were off in seconds. He lifted me, our mouths never breaking, as I wrapped my legs around his hips and he walked us to the plush rug in front of the fireplace. He grabbed a condom quickly and was back on top of me.
There was no power play, no exchange of control, no rules. Just us.
Laying on the rug, his forearms rested on either side of my face. I kissed his biceps, his shoulders, his chest. He gripped the rug and surged inside of me.
He growled my name and thrust again, and again. Each time, I lost more of myself to him, letting him take whatever he needed, allowing myself to let go.
Hooking my ankles around him, I pulled him as close as I could. All of his weight rested on top of me, and it was the heaviest, most wonderful feeling in the word. Every inch of our skin was smashed together as he rocked in and out, kissing me deep and thoroughly until I didn’t care if I ever caught my breath again. Because I had Jack. Right there with me, the only oxygen I needed.
My body lit up and his dark eyes fastened on mine for only a moment. He was gentle, but hard. Slow and urgent at the same time. Littering kisses along my face and neck, he said nothing, but I felt his intentions. With every glide, every kiss, every sweep of his hands, he was taking it away. Taking the nightmares, the weight of the past and the shame.
He was taking it all.
I’d never felt like I had a true partner until that moment. Unburdening this onto him, he was choosing to stay and deal with this with me.
“Thank you,” I whispered, hugging him with every fiber of my strength.
“I’m here,” was all he said.
Burying my face in his neck, I breathed in every single atom that made up this incredible man. I was surprised when my body lit up with release instantly. Between the emotion, connection, and pleasure, it was almost too much. But I rode the wave, and he was right there with me.
The only thing I wondered was: How will I ever live without this man?
~
After several long kisses and dawn finally breaking, I reluctantly headed out of Jack’s home and back to my car. It was Monday, and worked started in a couple of hours. I still had to drive back home to change and shower.
I sat in my car for a moment, replaying all the ground we’d covered last night. I felt like I finally understood where Jack came from. I didn’t have all the details, but there was truth between us. Trust on a new level, and that was exciting.
Putting the key in the ignition, I adjusted my seat to reach the pedals, and—
I looked down.
I’d driven to Jack’s house last night. My car was out front the whole time. There was no reason to adjust my seat, unless someone had messed with it.
I looked
around, a buzz of panic racing through me. The car was quiet, clean, nothing out of place. I rummaged through the few papers on the back seat. Everything was as I had left it, yet everything felt like it’d been touched.
Maybe I was being paranoid. Maybe I had adjusted my seat last night before going in. In the past, when I’d been in a panic-induced mode, I forgot things.
Or maybe the icky feeling was legitimate.
I pulled onto the road, and headed back toward Golden. In one night, I’d gone from anguish and hurt, to fear and anxiety, to finally a little peace and lots of pleasure. My body was exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster.
A major hurdle was crossed. But, as I sped down the highway, I glanced around my car, and couldn’t help but feel that somehow, not everything was as it seemed.
Chapter Seventeen
“Hey, Lana, there’s an older guy here to see you,” Edith said, as she rounded toward my cubicle. It was midweek, and my money was on the UPS guy, since it had become my job to sign for all the packages lately.
I looked up to find my dad near the entrance, searching me out. It had been a couple days since I talked to him on the phone.
I got up and headed him off by the break room.
“What are you doing here?”
“Thought I’d take you to lunch.”
“I meant what I said. I’m not helping you lure Jack in to your company.”
“Can’t a father just take his daughter to lunch?”
My father has several masks he put on, and I knew them all well. Today, he was going for logical. He may be changing tactics, but his mission was the same.
“I have plans already.”
“Oh? With Jack?”
“With some co-workers.” Jack had been super busy the last couple days. Word around the office buzzed about a new resort opening in Great Britain. He’d warned me he’d be busy, but this weekend would be ours to look forward to together. And I was looking forward to it.
“I was hoping we could chat. I came off a bit harsh the other day, and I wanted to clear the air.”
“Do you still want me to help you with Jack?”
“My offer stands. It would be a meeting, something you could set up, and could end with you benefiting and Brock leaving, since that seems to be important to you. But I could be wrong. Maybe him being closer will give you two a chance to bond.”