Looking for Adventure

by Valentina Heart

  I was far from calm, but his steel tone left no room for any type of discussion. He connected our lips in a tender, comforting kiss and then rushed over to those already passing on the water. It was a brave thing to do, and I knew I would admire him for it later, but in those moments, I only saw the high flames behind the houses, and chilly terror ran through my veins.

  Somehow I managed to stay seated on the same stool he’d put me on until burning pinecones started flying over the road and into the water halfway to us on the other side of the bay. I jumped in panic, my eyes as wide as saucers. There were actual burning cones flying from the forest and falling into the water and on the small boats tied to the docks.

  People ran to the other side and threw water on the hit boats, and I was halfway to Jonathan’s side when a fire truck came down the road. The firefighters were fast, jumping from the vehicle, rolling out the hose, and dropping it into the water. Before I even grasped the situation, a long spray of water was aiming over the houses and onto the burning trees.

  People moved out of the way, and for the first time, the fire seemed to be dying down instead of consuming more and more of the green. Only then did I notice the smoke carried by the small breeze. It cast white ash all over the tables and roofs, and the whole scene looked like something from a volcano movie.

  I was mesmerized with the rush that seemed to have consumed all the people and didn’t even notice Jonathan until he took hold of my palm, pulling me closer to his side. He held me like one would an older child, keeping me close and comforting me with the mere presence of an adult.

  It seemed like hours passed until they managed to extinguish the flames, but logically I knew it had been less time than that. People were slowly leaving to go to their homes, the whole situation draining the Friday out of everyone, and I heard the ones who were closer to the fire say how just one house had taken damage, but it could have been much worse.

  My Bee lowered his head and spoke. “I think we should take you home now, sweetheart.”

  “Yeah,” I told him, still in some kind of a haze, but more than ready to head off to safety.

  His arm was draped over my shoulder, and I was so close I could almost hear his heartbeat as he tried to bring me back to my old self. “Did you hear that woman saying ‘damn faggots’ when the two of them were up on that table, fooling around?”

  “No. Who said it?” I looked at him, surprised I’d missed that little detail.

  “That little old lady who spat at us when I hugged you in front of the store. Imagine what she would have done if it was the two of us.” He hugged me closer.

  “Don’t worry about her, she’s all talk. I asked around when I was at the store. She doesn’t like anybody. The owner of the store is a ‘baldy with too small a dick to satisfy a woman.’ I think that was a direct quote,” I told him, vividly remembering the shock that conversation had given me.

  “No, she didn’t!” He stopped walking, waiting for me to deny it.

  “Oh yes, she did. She’s been bitter ever since she lost her son some ten years ago. People don’t take it as bad as they would if they didn’t know her. I mean, she even calls the priest an ‘unimaginative commie.’ I’m not sure why that name, something to do with his boring ceremonies.”

  “But one of the guys in the bar is getting married tomorrow; there is no point in calling him gay. And what was she doing in the bar anyway?” We were walking again, but he was very animated.

  “I was told she goes wherever the gossip is. She doesn’t have anything better to do with her days.” I felt sorry for the lady and didn’t take the comments to heart. Some people were just what life made them to be.

  We were back at the house, all showered and dressed for bed, when I brought up the fire subject.

  “I don’t know why I’m so afraid of fire. It’s not like I have some bad memory involving it or know someone who got hurt in one. It’s just something that scares me. I’m sorry I choked on you back there.” I apologized without looking at him.

  “Don’t worry about it. I don’t think I would have liked to see you anywhere near the fire either, but I just couldn’t stay there and watch it all happen without doing anything.” His fingers were caressing my arm again as he held me.

  “You were great, Bee. I was so proud of you.” I teased a little but still meant every word.

  “It must have been planted, right? I mean, it was night, and it’s still too early for fires.” He sidestepped the compliment, like he usually did.

  “What do you mean, too early? It’s the end of July. The fire season is full-blown.” Even as I said the words, I felt him stiffen beneath me.

  “July?” he choked out, and I sat up to look at his face.

  He was pale as a sheet, staring somewhere into the void. His hand reached to touch the side of his head, and I got worried all of a sudden.

  “Jonathan, what is it?”

  He looked at me then like he saw me for the first time. “It can’t be July.”

  It was strange how time ran away from you when you were distanced from all the obligations, without any contact with civilization. It happened to me too; even when I was working, I lost the concept of time, not knowing what day it was until someone told me. It would seem like only days had passed when in fact it was weeks and the summer was coming to an end. I called it the island magic.

  But that didn’t bring me any closer to understanding where the problem lay. It was just another month, and he’d said he could take as much free time as he wanted. I was completely at a loss.

  “Why can’t it be July, Bee?” I asked carefully, expecting something bad to surface.

  “Because I should be dead. If it’s July already, I shouldn’t be breathing, I should be six feet under the ground.” He looked at me for the first time without anything between us, like a burden had been taken off his chest, but I still didn’t understand what he meant. With every second that passed, it looked more and more like some sick joke.

  “Don’t mess with me. There is no reason you should be dead,” I said reasonably, ignoring the fact that my voice was quivering.

  “She said I have two more months to live, and if it’s already the end of July, it means that almost three have passed. I should be dead.” He sounded like himself, but I knew him enough to notice he wasn’t all there.

  I was beginning to grasp something of what he was saying, and no matter how I looked at it, it was bad.

  “Your doctor said that?” I tried the most logical conclusion.

  “Yes, she said I have an inoperable brain tumor, and that I would be dead in two months, that I should get my affairs in order. Was she lying?” He stared at me as if I might have the answer, while my whole life was crumbling down around me. I was forced to sit down.

  That explained the decision to leave everything behind and come to the island with some poor delivery boy. It explained the willingness to jump into bed with me and all those hesitations about the future. It certainly explained the terrible headaches he used to have. It was so obvious when I found out the truth, but still, I never would have guessed that to be the secret he had been hiding from me so successfully.

  “Let me get this straight. You hired me and then got into a relationship with me, without telling me that I might find you dead in my bed one morning?” I knew I wasn’t being fair and that my words were harsh, but I was beyond caring.

  “No…I didn’t mean…” He shook his head once before he continued. “Yes. I never planned on telling you. But you have to believe me when I say I really didn’t think that far ahead. I figured I would end up in a hospital when things got that bad. It never occurred to me that I might die next to you.”

  Well, wasn’t that a relief. He just went and made it all better. NOT! “You let me fall in love with you, knowing you would die. How cruel is that?” I felt the tears sliding down my cheeks, but I stared at him even when my vision got blurry and the pain too much.

  “I’m sorry… I’m selfish… I’ve never lov
ed anyone like I love you, and I knew you would leave me the moment you found out the truth. I’m sorry, Nino.” He looked devastated and confused.

  “But you’re not. Sorry, I mean. Even if you could go back and do it all over again, you still wouldn’t have told me.” It hurt to even think like that, but I knew it was the truth.

  “You are right.” He at least had the courtesy to look embarrassed. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I want that memory with me no matter what.”

  “I would say I feel like I don’t even know you, but it would be a lie. This is exactly the thing I would expect from a lawyer, and even though I didn’t know you as one, it makes sense that you would disregard the feelings of another human being.” I was hurt by the lie, badly. In some emotionless world, I would have understood it. The additional time it gave us, the time that we probably never would have gotten otherwise. But in my world, it made little logical sense. He’d lied to me, as if we were nothing more than strangers, and every morning he would look in my eyes, he would kiss me and pretend everything was as it should be.

  “I’m sorry…” He said it again, like it would change anything.

  “What am I supposed to do now? Stay with you until you die? Go on like this conversation never happened and be the happiest man on earth again? What? Tell me!” I snapped, letting all the hurt into my voice.

  “I don’t know, sweetheart. I should be dead. I don’t know what to do now.” He sounded afraid, all alone on the couch and completely lost.

  There wasn’t anything I could do but go to him and wrap him in my arms. He hugged me hard and immediately started to cry. I couldn’t even imagine what it must have been like for him. To finally have everything he’d ever wanted and to know he would lose it in a very short period of time. It must have been eating him alive.

  I found solace in the fact that he’d had a wonderful time with me, that I was making him happy. And that I’d been the one thing he wouldn’t change in his life. But all of that still didn’t right all the wrong. I was in this thing with him, despite what he might be thinking. Even if he had told me from the start, I wouldn’t have abandoned him. The only thing that might have been different was the romance side of things. I might be a hopeless romantic, but even I am not a complete masochist.

  Thinking back, I realized it would have been hard. Even without bringing it all to the sexual level, I liked Jonathan as a person, and no matter the type of our relationship, I would have cared deeply for him.

  Now I was faced with a choice that wasn’t really a choice. I could just go and leave him to his own devices, or I could stay and be here for him until the very end. Just putting the word end in that sentence made me chilly. Death wasn’t something I was ready to face. I loved him too much, and losing him might just be that one obstacle in my life I might never cross.

  His sobs stopped sometime during my out-of-body experience, and now he was just holding on to me like a lost kitten, waiting for me to throw him out or invite him to the warmth of my bed. I wasn’t inclined to do either. I loved him very much, but I needed time alone, and having him next to me would only push me further away.

  “I need some time to think this over, Jonathan,” I told him while my fingers touched his soft, dark hair.

  “Okay. I understand,” he said just before he gently lifted himself off my body and wiped his still-wet cheeks.

  “Just one night and we will talk in the morning. It’s a lot to take in.” I justified myself, even when I could plainly see the effect my words had on him. He was shutting down, letting the serious Jonathan come to the surface again.

  He took the laptop from the coffee table where we’d usually been keeping it and was headed toward his room when I spoke again.

  “I love you, Bee.”

  He stopped at the door, hesitating for a minute before he answered back. “I love you too.” With that he left, and I could hear the door of his room closing behind him.

  I took a shower before going to bed, all the while trying to keep my thoughts focused on the problem at hand but miserably failing. Even when I was in bed and tried to come up with a logical solution, all I was able to think about was the warm body I terribly missed by my side.

  * * *

  I was standing in the middle of the bridge, looking frantically around, but all I could see were the flames. They caught the houses that were the closest to the forest, and everything crackled and burned with an amazing ferocity. The bay water was reflecting only the bright orange of the hell around me, and even the small boats on it were floating aimlessly while burning up. Like little floating disasters, spreading the fire farther.

  There was no one around me, no people or recognizable buildings. Everything was touched by the all-consuming pestilence and had lost that familiar appearance. When I realized that I was all alone, with all the heat around me that had all of a sudden become very real, I started to scream. In fear and panic, I screamed till my lungs were sore, until I started choking on all that smoke.

  Suddenly Jonathan appeared by my side. “You’re okay, sweetheart; nothing will hurt you. I’m right here,” he said.

  “The fire…” My aching throat managed to croak.

  “Nothing will hurt you, Nino. I will always be by your side, protecting you.” He smiled, sounding so sure of himself.

  “But you won’t,” I said. “You’re going to die.”

  He smiled at me, like my words were only a child’s fear. “I have to go now. I have to help and put out the fire,” he said, and then he was gone, his silhouette disappearing into the rising flames. He didn’t even kiss me good-bye.

  “Bee! Bee! Come back! Don’t leave me! Bee!” I screamed and screamed until I felt strong arms wrap around me, and I woke in my bed with Jonathan holding me safely.

  “You were dreaming. Calling my name,” he whispered.

  I could feel the sweat covering my whole body and the terror still trembling through me. Despite all the promises he’d made, he was leaving, and all my screaming or crying wouldn’t keep him by my side.

  I needed a breath all of a sudden, and his arms around me felt like chains keeping me alone on that bridge in the aftermath. “I need to take a shower,” I said as I scrambled off the bed in an obvious need to get away from him.

  I couldn’t see his face, but I almost felt the hurt. Still I walked away and took my shower, finding only empty sheets when I returned.

  When I woke up in the morning, his bag was gone, as well as his car. I was left alone in our adventure, in our little piece of paradise.

  Chapter Nine

  Leaving Nino and our little piece of heaven behind was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. I packed only the essentials, planning on returning even as I sat in my car and drove away. Only I wasn’t sure that I would be coming back. There was no way of knowing if my doctor would keep me in the hospital till the end of my days or if I would have some more time on my hands. Time that all of a sudden became more than precious.

  The drive back to the ferry was lonesome. There was no music playing, one thing that had become the norm whenever we took the car someplace. There were no silly questions or seducing looks, but what I missed the most and that was painfully absent were the sweet touches that had come to be an addiction of sorts. I was used to his hands roaming over my body, no matter if they were only innocent touches or passion-filled ones. I missed every single brush of his breath against my neck and every single smile that froze my thinking wheels.

  My trip to civilization was automatic. I stayed in my car during the ferry ride, too pained with the memory of my last ride. I hadn’t been in love then, hadn’t even been thinking about it, but at least I had had a friend. Someone who made me smile and who pushed me into the true meaning of life.

  Only when the ferry docked and the rush of people on the street brought back reality did the anger wiggle to the surface of my emotions. I wasn’t angry at Nino or at the way our last night together had ended. I wasn’t even angry at God, like mos
t people would have been. I saved all my anger for my doctor.

  It might have been the wrong thing to do, something not very rational, because logically it wasn’t her fault that my body reacted differently than she’d predicted. In the end, it was only an educated guess. I knew that. She couldn’t have known how much time I’d have left.

  But none of it mattered, not really. I had all this anger boiling inside me, anger that had no other place to go, and it had to leave me.

  I barged into her office, not even bothering to call her first or make a trip home. I passed the nurse at the counter and walked into her examination room just as she was examining some lady. Fortunately the woman still had her clothes on. I wasn’t really thinking straight enough to even consider her other patients.

  She lifted her head at the sound of the door slamming forcefully against the wall.

  “Mr. Morgan?” Her expression was one of shock, with traces of wonder in her voice.

  “Doctor,” I all but growled, my anger plainly displayed on my contorted face.

  “How can I help you? I’m in the middle of an examination.” Her back was straight, and I could see annoyance crawling slowly into her closed-off expression.

  “Don’t give me that attitude. I pay you more than enough to have you always available when I need something. And guess what, I need you now. So please finish and come to your office, because I’m not in the best of moods, and I just might lose my civilized appearance.” With that I left and marched to her office, where I sat down in the chair in front of her desk and waited.

  I knew my behavior had been more than rude, almost enough for her to call security, but I knew she wouldn’t be doing that. She’d known me long enough to recognize when something was wrong.

  She joined me only minutes later. Her gloves were off, but she kept the white coat on.

  “I don’t know what is wrong, but I must say I’m quite surprised that you’re looking as good as you are. In fact, you’re looking better than you were the last time I saw you,” she said as she sat in her chair.