I think we can make the best of this. I know Leo will protect me and help me through this, and maybe he will have a chance at a better life, too. If I can give him that, then being here is all worth it. It’s well worth the sacrifice.
“I’m glad I chose you, too,” I whisper before closing my eyes. Leo hugs me tighter.
I will rest, and maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
23
Purpose
Even after two weeks of living in this place, it’s still strange to awaken to a sense of comfort and not fear, to have drywall surround me instead of cement, to know that there is a locked door between me and the people who could hurt me in this building and the holder of the key cares about me and wants to protect me.
It’s scary to think that he also holds the key to my heart.
Leo’s heart, however, remains a fortress I have yet to infiltrate. In these two weeks, we’ve been so close together, yet we almost seem to have grown apart. He’s been shut off to me, closing down the moment I try to talk to him about anything related to us. We spend nearly every waking minute together, and yet he’s so distant I feel like he’s worlds away. We hold each other and share the same bed and maintain as much physical contact as possible throughout each day, but the moment my touch moves toward intimacy, Leo pulls back.
I wish I could say I was ignorant of the cause of Leo’s strange behavior with me, but I see it in his eyes and feel it in his demeanor whenever we’re together. He still feels guilty. He thinks I gave up my life for him and feels unworthy of such sacrifice. I see the guilt consume him more and more each day.
I need him to understand that, yes, I did give up my life for this, but I was wiling to do so for him, to give him freedom and life that would have been taken from him the moment the police showed up to get us had I taken Mark’s offer to let me be free.
My eyes open to the white ceiling above before my head turns to the side to find Leo busy doing an intense set of pushups silently on the floor across the room. He’s shirtless, his tattooed skin glistening with sweat, and his hair falls wildly around his face. With each movement of his body downward and back up again, I see the muscles shifting and contracting in his arms and broad shoulders. The welts on his back from the last day at the prison are healing nicely, the red marks still visible but no longer the bloody crisscross of lines they once were.
I absentmindedly pull my fingers to the wound on my shoulder, so happy to feel the beginnings of smooth skin over the hole that has closed up. It’s preparing the scar that will forever mark the day of the decision that changed the course of my life.
Leo continues his morning exercise routine as I lie still and observe him, appreciating the speed and grace with which he moves his body. He is the pure definition of dedication in everything he does to stay in ridiculously good shape, which is a huge benefit not only to his role in Mark’s business, but also to me in the scrumptious hunk of flesh I get to wake up next to each morning.
He’s approaching the end of this set of pushups. I can hear it in the rapidly quickening breath from his lips. I’m secretly in love with that sound. His frantic breathing reminds me of the one and only time he made love to me. My body aches for the day that he will make that sound on top of me again, but I resolved days ago not to push him about that anymore.
Eventually he’ll be ready to open up to me again emotionally and physically, and when he does, I’ll be waiting for him. I have all the time in the world.
With one last push off the floor, Leo returns to standing, grabbing a towel from the nearby chair to wipe down the sweat from his face and neck. He catches me watching him, and the subdued smile that lights up his face is enough to take my breath away. He is stunning in every sense of the word, both inside and out.
“Good morning,” he says, taking a seat next to me on the bed as I sit up to meet him. He leans over to me, placing a gentle kiss on the side of my cheek. I love even his smallest offers of affection.
As he pulls away, I take the side of his cheek in my hand, not ready for him to leave his close proximity to me so quickly. I hold my hand there for a moment and take in his conflicted blue eyes. Every day I look at them to find that spark of life and love and happiness, yet all I ever see is guilt and pain. My face falters.
“What is it?” Leo asks, concerned.
I lower my hand from his face and look away, remembering that I’m supposed to be giving him space to figure this out. “Nothing. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
Leo doesn’t press the question any further. He seems perfectly happy to move on from this topic of conversation. “I can bring up some food today if you want. Breakfast in bed?”
I shake my head. “I need to get out of here for a while, even if that means visiting the mess hall and being drooled at by a bunch of hungry, horny men.”
Leo laughs, but I know he realizes the truth in my statement. He hates it when we eat with the other men in the mess hall. No one has ever been allowed to bring women anywhere near this building, and Leo has one living in the same room as him. He feels every bit of their resentment toward him while I get their stares and glances like I’m some prized possession they all want to pocket for personal pleasure. It creeps me out every time we’re down there, but I still enjoy the change of scenery.
“Okay, mess hall it is,” Leo agrees. “I need to shower, then we’ll go.”
This is the part when in prior days I had tried to talk or strip my way into the shower with Leo, but my advances were always countered with some explanation or excuse why I shouldn’t join him. I’ve given up at this point, so I smile and nod to Leo before getting out of bed to get myself ready.
After a few days of trying to fit into Leo’s shirts and sweatpants that I had to roll up in various ways to get even close to fitting me properly, I was finally given a trash bag full of various T-shirts, jeans, socks, and undergarments that are now my new wardrobe. I still haven’t figured out who actually procured the clothing, but their choices of low-cut tops and lacy bras and underwear didn’t go unnoticed. Leo swears he knows nothing about it. He hasn’t complained one bit, though.
I throw on some faded jeans and one of the more conservative tops, having abandoned my attempts at getting Leo’s attention with increased amounts of cleavage when all I was doing was attracting stares and catcalls from the rest of Mark’s crew.
My toes wiggle into a pair of black flip-flops that came with the bag of clothes. I continue to wonder if these shoes were chosen for me on purpose to keep tabs on my location. Anyone in the building can hear me coming from a mile away with all the noise these shoes make slapping against the bottoms of my feet when I walk.
By the time Leo’s ready and we’re walking down the staircases to the mess hall, things turn quiet between us. Leo seems more weighed down than usual even though he should be grateful I’m able to walk around freely within this building and sleep in his bed each night. I wish he could see the positive in our situation like I’m trying to. It’s incredible how much he cares about me, but he worries too much, and it’s only going to harm whatever relationship this is between us.
I made the decision to be here. I chose him and this life over my family and what I had before. He needs to trust that I can do this. I’ve survived up to this point, and I don’t plan on changing that any time soon.
The small mess hall is busy and loud for this time of morning. I’m still not entirely comfortable being around these men. Some are recognizable from the prison, and some are new to me since arriving here. They’re all equally pissed off and jealous over the fact that Leo has me all to himself and they aren’t allowed to have any women here.
They all stare at me and glare at Leo as we walk in, and I immediately regret declining Leo’s offer of breakfast in bed. Will it always be like this? Will I continue to be the outsider and sole female among this group of criminals for the months and years to come?
We grab plates and take our fill from the large trays of eggs, bacon, and fru
it set out on the counter near the kitchen. I’ve started to put back on some of the weight I lost at the prison. It’s amazing what eating real food at regular intervals throughout the day can do to make a person healthy.
Leo prefers that we sit at a table against the wall where I can have my back to the other men in the room and he can keep an eye on them over my shoulders, but today I’m feeling adventurous. I want to step outside of the little safety box he’s placed me in and get a true sense for where I stand among these men. I want to know if Leo’s worry is warranted, if I should be more anxious or concerned about my situation here, so I sit down in the seat against the wall with a perfect view of the room around us.
Leo’s looking at me like I’ve sprouted an extra head. “What are you doing?”
“I’ll sit here. It’ll be fine. Stop worrying,” I say with a reassuring smile.
Leo glances behind him and looks back at me uneasily. “I don’t think this is such a good–”
“Relax.” I take Leo’s plate from his hand and set it down on the table in front of the chair where I should be sitting. “I’m a big girl. You don’t have to hide them from me or me from them.”
After a moment of indecision, Leo finally takes a seat and we quietly enjoy breakfast. I occasionally glance behind Leo and catch the stares of a few of the men. Most of their looks are innocent, more of curiosity than of malice or ill-intent, though one of them licks his lips and winks at me in a poor attempt at seduction.
I think about where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going among this motley crew of criminals.
“I don’t really fit in here,” I observe.
Leo stops mid-bite. “You think?”
“Well, obviously. But that’s not what I mean. I don’t belong. I don’t have a purpose here. You told me before that it’s important to have a purpose in this business.”
He continues eating for a moment before addressing me again. “What do you have in mind exactly?”
I think about this for a moment, forking my eggs around on my plate lazily. “You could teach me some of the medical knowledge you’ve picked up from Jack, or Jack could teach me.”
“I don’t know. I’d rather just keep you out of the business. It’s not a good place for you to be. It’s not safe.”
I knew Leo wouldn’t be keen on this idea. “If I liked safe, I would be at home in my bed right now and you’d be in jail.” No response. “If I’m going to be here anyway, I might as well make myself useful, don’t you think?”
“You can be useful by being there for me at the end of the day. If you can stay out of trouble, you’ll be doing more for me than you know.”
“I get it. I don’t want you to worry any more than you already do.”
A long pause draws out between us, and I feel that this conversation is over.
Looking around the room again at the men fueling up to go out and do Mark’s bidding, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m expendable. In a strange way, I feel the need to have a place and purpose among them, not just to earn their respect and acceptance, but to help ensure my own survival.
24
Volunteer
I find myself where I’ve been frequenting multiple hours of each day over the last two weeks: sitting on the strangely comfortable maroon leather furniture of Mark’s office while Mark and Leo tend to business. Leo rarely lets me out of his sight and never leaves me alone with Mark, and for good reason.
It’s discomforting to see him act so naturally with Mark, to go back to “business as usual” despite what Mark’s done not just to him but also to me. It’s impossible to ignore the constant silent threat that Mark still poses to us both.
We’re in a holding pattern, an unspoken truce among the three of us. Leo begged me from day one in this place to bite my tongue and keep quiet around Mark. He didn’t want to stir the hornet’s nest, and honestly, I was sick of being stung. I’ve been happy to rest and recover over these two weeks, reading my way through the books on Mark’s bookshelf while he works with Leo to plan and scheme.
Long live the business.
I’ve become quite adept at drowning out their conversations when I’m stuck in Mark’s office with them, but today they’re both a little more animated than usual. Frankly, Mark is angry today, more so than I’ve ever seen him since my arrival at this place, and I worry about what that could mean. I’d rather the big boss man who has the power to end my life be in a good mood instead of yelling and throwing things across his office.
A lamp hits the wall and immediately grabs my attention from the book I’m reading.
“He’s been waiting, just itching to get in on my territory, and in just the few weeks I’m distracted with her,” Mark says, glaring in my direction with disgust, “he manages to move in. I’ll fucking kill him.”
“We can’t get Ruiz. He’s untouchable.” Leo’s sitting casually on the front of Mark’s large desk running his knuckles under his chin, deep in thought. The hint of an idea brightens his eyes as he turns to Mark. “We can destroy him from the ground up. We need to get his distributors.”
“I like your thinking, son.” I still cringe at hearing Mark call Leo this. “Not sure how the fuck you plan to pull that one off, though.”
“I just need to get someone in his office, one of our new guys he wouldn’t recognize. Phillips, maybe.” Leo hops down from the desk and turns around to face Mark directly. “Ruiz is old-school and very particular about keeping his most sensitive information close to him. You’ve seen that little black book he carries. It’s not just for hookers. I have a hunch that book would be a gold mine of information about his operation.”
The anger visibly dissipates from Mark’s face and is replaced with utmost joy at Leo’s suggestion. “You make a good point. He’s inseparable from that book. He may be a horny fuck, but there has to be more to that book than his means to procuring pleasures from the opposite sex.” Mark gives me a look, and I feel myself shiver from even the hint of his gaze. The optimism suddenly fades from Mark’s voice as he looks away to put the fallen items on his desk back into perfect placement. “Still not sure how you plan to get Phillips out of there with the man’s most coveted object. Shall he just ask politely before he leaves?”
Leo looks annoyed at Mark’s defiant show of sarcasm. “We’ll figure something out. Maybe we just need to catch him at the right time. Let me look into–”
“I can help,” I offer feebly. I clear my throat and speak a little louder and with more confidence this time. “I can go along as a distraction. You said he likes women? I’ll keep his attention while Phillips steals the book.”
“Absolutely not.” Leo’s voice is firm. This is clearly not up for discussion in his mind, but it looks like I’ve piqued Mark’s interest.
“This could work,” he says, the wheels clearly turning in his head the longer he thinks about it. “You would make a lovely distraction. We’d have to dress you up in something nice to highlight those beautiful breasts and legs of yours.”
Leo is suddenly at Mark’s side, grasping him by the shirt and pulling them together so their faces are only inches apart. “You will not send her out there,” he growls. “She doesn’t do this for a living, remember? She’s just a kid.”
Mark isn’t backing down, but neither is Leo. Our temporary truce has apparently come to an end as Leo holds him there.
I stand up from the couch in earnest. I’m not interested in seeing Mark take any of this out on Leo given that it was my stupid idea. “Guys, please. I can do this. Should be easy.”
It doesn’t take long for Leo to realize he’s fighting with the wrong person. He lets go of Mark and quickly makes his way around the desk to me, pulling me down with him to the couch and speaking to me in whispers. “You can’t do this. I won’t let you. It’s dangerous, don’t you see? He’ll touch you. He could do horrible things to you. He could even kill you.”
“I need to do this, Leo. I need to prove myself,” I say quietly. “Being useful
around here is the key to survival, right?”
“There are so many bad things that could happen.” Leo’s no longer arguing with me angrily. He’s genuinely concerned. “I’d have to keep an eye on you.” Leo thinks for a moment, stands back up, and turns to Mark. “Only if I go with her. I’d want to be with her at all times.”
Mark bursts out into laughter. “You truly believe I would let the two of you walk out of here together? She’ll go, and you’ll stay here. Phillips will take care of her. If he doesn’t, he’ll have the likes of you to deal with when he gets back.”
Leo turns to me, worry and concern written all over his face. The pain I’ve been trying to work out of his features is even more pronounced now.
I nod to Mark. The deal is done.
Mark smiles mischievously. “We have a volunteer, then.”
My heart skips a beat when he says it.
I’ve really done it. I’ve volunteered myself to dangle my body like a piece of meat in front of a hungry beast.
Leo might just kill me first.
“We’ll be back,” Leo says through gritted teeth to Mark as he grabs my arm and yanks me from the couch.
Once we’re through the door and further down the hallway, Leo turns me around against the wall, pushing both of my shoulders into its hard surface. “What were you thinking? Jesus Christ, Morgan. As if I don’t have enough to worry about with you already.”
“You need to stop worrying.” I try to keep my voice calm, but my frustration is reaching a boiling point.
“I need to take care of you. It naturally means I worry.” He grasps my hands in his and pulls them to his chest, placing them close to his heart. I can feel it racing within him.
I lean forward on the tips of my toes to kiss Leo softly. He tastes perfect. He’s safety and love and warmth, and I need to do whatever I have to in order to protect him and myself. I want Mark to need me for more than keeping Leo in check. If I can make myself useful, he won’t want to hurt me or kill me or separate me from Leo. If I can have a part to play to increase my chances of survival, I will embrace it and live it to get us where I want us to be.
Beyond Ransom (The Ransom Series) Page 15