“Bella?’ He said looking puzzled.
“Go Simon, just go.”
Simon left. What else could he do? There I was once again feeling heartbroken and it was my own fault. Lizzie and the children arrived few hours later.
By the time they had all checked into the hotel it was late
We all had a drink in the hotel reception before we went to bed. I was happy to have my family with me.
The next morning I had to wake the children up, they were still sleeping so soundly.
I wasn’t feeling so good and was upset once again. Lizzie and the children all had something to eat then we all went on a tour of New York.
We stayed there for about another week, the children went ice skating nearly every day and we all had so much fun.
Lizzie made an announcement.
”We are all going to Long Island for Christmas rather than returning back to England.”
Violet wasn’t really happy, as she wanted to get back home to her friends. But Robert and Bella were jumping up and down.
The next morning we made our way to our new destination. The house was beautiful and we all went to get Christmas decorations. I was feeling a bit more positive. But I still couldn't face food. Looking at my reflection through the mirror I could see I had lost weight again and my face was looking gaunt.
Lizzie told me I should see a doctor. I wasn’t that bothered and thought I would wait until after Christmas.
The snow had melted and I was really hoping for a white Christmas. We decided to throw a dinner party; Lizzie invited a few friends she knew over and so did I.
Violet also invited a few of her friends over that she had made when we last lived in America.
The house phone rang. Well I knew it wouldn’t be for us because we hadn’t long arrived. I nearly dropped the phone.
“Hello Bella.” I recognised the voice and dropped the phone.
“Bella, Bella are you there?”
Lizzie took the phone from me.
“Hi Simon how are you? How’s your mother?”
I could hear Simon on the other end. Lizzie kept giving me the odd glance and nodding.
“I don’t want to talk to him.” I muttered.
Feeling tired I went for a nap. I must have slept for hours as it was dark when I opened my eyes. Lizzie had put Bella to bed.
She got us a bottle of wine out of the fridge and we sat by the log fire.
“How cosy is this!”
We sat up for hours talking. I was shattered when I went to bed. I fell to sleep straight away,but was woken up by someone stroking my cheek.
When I opened my eyes Simon was there.
“What are you doing here Simon?” I could hardly get my words out.
“I had to see you Bella; I couldn't stay away any longer.” Simon laid next to me. We said nothing, we just laid there looking at each other.
“I Love you Bella.”
I dozed off again and when I opened my eyes Simon had gone. Where had he gone?
I put my dressing gown on and went to the kitchen. Lizzie was already making breakfast.
“Where’s Simon?” Lizzie looked at me confused.
“Simon isn't here Bella; he told me yesterday he was in LA.”
“No Lizzie, Simon was here, he came into my room and he stroked my face. I remembered him telling me he loved me.”
Now I was feeling desperate. Lizzie came over and gave me a hug.
“Simon isn't here Bella. You must have been dreaming.”
All morning I just sat there by the fire looking out the window hoping to see Simon. After a while I realised I must have been dreaming.
That evening we all got invited to a party not far from where we were staying. There was lots of food and drink but I still wasn't feeling hungry and not in the party mood. For the sake of the children I made an effort. The stress must have got the best of me because I had to keep running to the toilet to vomit.Eventually Lizzie came after me.
“Is everything ok Bella?’ she asked with a worried tone in her voice.
“Yes I will be fine.” I laughed.
“I'm just sickening for something.” I was beginning to wonder what was up with me and decided I must see a doctor.
Back downstairs I tried to mingle and eat a little something.
Bella was falling asleep so I used her as an excuse and told Lizzie we had to leave soon.
To be honest I couldn't wait to leave. I felt terribly sick and the smell of the food was making me feel worse. Back at the house, I settled Bella down for the night and decided to have a long hot bubble bath. I could hear Lizzie downstairs talking to someone. I recognised the voice.
Getting out the bath I pulled on my robe. To my surprise Claudio was there.
”We need to talk Bella.” He said
“Yes I agree, we do need to talk.”
“I have missed you and I am willing to give our marriage a chance to work because I love you so very much.”
I couldn't reply because, I did love Claudio, but not in the way I loved Simon. I took Claudio into the kitchen poured him a beer and made myself a hot chocolate.
“Pushing the boat out are you Bella, with the hot chocolate?” He said jokingly.
“I just don't feel like a drink, I haven’t been feeling well lately.” I snapped. I put my hand on my forehead feeling dizzy.
”I’m sorry Claudio. I didn't mean to snap.”
“There is just no talking to you.” He shouted and left.
Well that went well. I thought. Surprisingly I slept well that night.
The next morning I went to the doctors to see if they could fit me in without an appointment. Luckily they could. I sat there and waited for my name to be called out. My mind wandered to Simon and wondering what he was doing
“Can you go to room six please Mrs Ferrari?” The receptionist said.
The doctor was quite young and he had very similar looks to Simon. He shook my hand.
“Take a seat Mrs Ferrari and tell me what the problem is?” I sat and explained everything to a complete stranger. He looked at me and put the pen in his mouth.
“Have your periods been regular Mrs Ferrari?”
“Come to think of it I was due for my period last week but with all the stress I completely forgot.” The doctor did a pregnancy test. It was positive, I was pregnant again.
“Should I congratulate you Mrs Ferrari?” The doctor looked at me with a half-smile. I thanked him without giving him an answer and left. What the hell am I going to do now?
I couldn't go straight back to the house so I decided to go for a walk.
Racking my brains I knew the baby couldn't be Claudio’s. Simon was the father of another baby he didn’t know about. Then I remembered. Claudio and I had made love the night before we came to America.
I decided to keep the pregnancy to myself for a while, as the news wasn't the greatest.
Back at the house I tried to keep myself busy with Christmas only a week away and our birthdays. Claudio came to visit. I really tried to make an effort with him and he tried hard to. It couldn’t have been easy for him knowing his wife was in love with another man.
The day before Christmas, Lizzie phoned Simon to see if he was coming over. She knew I wasn’t at all pleased, but luckily he decided to spend Christmas with his mother in England.
Christmas Eve was a wonderful day, we all went and did the last bit of shopping and Christmas in Long Island was amazing. The shoppers were all running around worried in case they had forgotten something. After we got back our feet were killing us with all the walking we did.
I got the Christmas tree out of the box and we decorated it. Once the tree was up we all sang Christmas carols followed by a birthday meal. Bella was tired so I put her to bed. Robert and Violet listened to some music and played monopoly.
I ran myself a hot bubble bath and dozed off. I woke up and the water was freezing. How long was I in here for? I thought.I looked at my hands; they were all wrinkled like a
n old ladies. I quickly jumped out of the bath and put on my old tattered bathrobe. It felt warm and soft against my skin. I hadn’t drunk my wine so I poured it back into the bottle.
I laid down on the bed and as soon as my head hit the pillow I fell asleep.
The next morning I stepped out of bed and ran down stairs. Something was strange, Robert was usually up before anyone else.He was always very excited on Christmas Day, especially as it was his birthday too. I went upstairs to wake him up. I opened his door, his room was in darkness.
“Robert.” I said softly, not wanting to scare him. That`s strange. I thought.
“Robert.” My voice was much louder this time. There was still no movement and actually no sound.
“Come on birthday boy, wake up.” I want to the window and drew back the curtains. Then I walked over to Robert`s bed. Even with the light pouring into the room, there was still no sign of him waking up.
I was worried, he looked so still, my heart was thumping so loud in my chest I could actually hear it. I pulled back the covers and had a sick feeling. I pushed Robert`s hair off his face; his skin was as cold as ice. I heard a loud scream, and the next few hours were a complete blur.
After a postmortem, the doctor explained that it wasn’t my fault and nothing could have prevented it.
I cried as I had never cried before.
How much bad luck is this family going to have? I could not eat or sleep. I do not remember much about the next few days.
Simon came to see me, as soon as he got the news, but not even he could take away my pain. The doctors had to sedate me. I didn’t even care. Lizzie stayed with me all the time.
We flew back to England along with Roberts’s body.
His funeral was a blur and I never thought I would be burying any of my children before myself. At this moment in time I hated life and most of all I hated myself.
I pushed everyone away and most of all Simon. He reminded me too much of Robert and I couldn’t even look at him. No one understood me, but why should they, no one knew that Robert was Simon’s son.
Over the next few months I lost a lot of weight and the doctor told me I had to try and eat for the sake of my unborn baby.
Claudio eventually left me because I pushed him away.
July arrived and my baby was due at anytime.
I didn’t even know what I was having .I should have been excited but how could I be. This baby will never take Roberts place.I thought.
I was in my room when my contractions started. I had managed to keep my pregnancy a secret with baggy jumpers and loose trousers. Lizzie knocked at my door.
“I have made you something to eat Bella please try and eat”
I opened my door and dropped the bomb.
“Lizzie, I’m pregnant and the baby is on it’s way now! Please don’t judge me for not telling you. I didn’t want to tell anybody. I’m really sorry but I need you to take me to the hospital.” Lizzie was silent. She put the tray down, grabbed a few things to put in a baby bag and said.
“Let’s go! Just one thing. Next time it would probably save you a lot of stress if you tell me things straight away. I don’t bite! You must know that buy now.”
I didn’t respond. I just looked at her with no expression on my face and lead the way to the car.
There I was in the hospital and gave birth to my son Liam.
Shortly after I was transferred here to this psychiatric hospital for not bonding with my baby and having a nervous breakdown. I wasn’t able to take anymore pain.
I had decided to write my story and that is what I did.
Please don't judge me.
Chapter seventeen
At the moment I get through each day as they come and the doctor has told me I can leave soon. I miss Robert so much and words cannot describe the pain of losing your child. Lizzie and Claudio have been looking after Liam for me until I can go home. To be honest I don't know if I’ll ever be ready to look after another child.
It has been nearly a year since Roberts’s death and I only just feel ready to leave hospital.
Violet is nearly seventeen and Bella has turned into a right little madam. Violet has told me she wants to go searching for her father Marco, but I just hope she changes her mind.
Since the death of Robert, she has become very distant and hardly talks to me anymore. The bond we both had seems to have gone, but I hope that it will come back very soon.
Halloween has arrived and Bella wants me to take her trick or treating. It’s the first time I have wanted to do something again in a long time. Lizzie took her to get a costume and she’ll be dressing up as a witch. Bella is really excited and can’t wait for it to be dark. I have made some bobbing apples and bought lots of sweets for the kids that will come knocking on the door later this evening. I was in the kitchen getting everything ready when Claudio came in and sat at the kitchen table. I could tell he wanted to tell me something by the look on his face.
“Please tell me what’s wrong Claudio?”
“Sit down Bella.” His voice was very serious.
“You know I love you. I will always love you because you gave birth to my children. As much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think we can have a real future together. I feel I need to find myself again. I’m as devastated about Robert, as much as you are. We all are, but we can’t bring him back.” He inhaled. ”I want a divorce Bella.”
I didn’t know whether I was happy or sad but I cried.
“Claudio I understand how you are feeling and I don’t blame you and I agree we should get a divorce.” I said. What else could I say.
He sat back in the chair and folded his arms.
The following morning Claudio packed his belongings ready to leave. We knew we had to tell Violet and Bella before he left.
“Darlings. We want you to know that Claudio and I are getting a divorce. We won’t be living together anymore. He’ll go to live at another house. Bella Daddy will always love you and will only be a phone call away from you.” I explained.
“I'm sick of this. There's always so much drama in this family! This house is full of fights and it isn't normal!” Violet screamed.
I never realised until this day how everything has affected my daughter, she is old enough to understand everything and there’s no fooling her anymore.
She stormed out the house slamming the door behind her. Claudio didn’t say a word he just looked at me and left.
This whole situation made me realise how hard everything was on the children. This wasn’t good for them, I knew I had to pull myself together and stop being an emotional wreck. I couldn’t keep pushing everyone away, all because of the insane love I have for one man. I've been so selfish!
I think a holiday is the best thing for us. In fact I'm going to go out and book one now! First of all I need to call Lizzie and ask her if she’s seen Violet. Maybe she can persuade her to calm down.
“Hello Lizzie.”
“Hey Bella. How are you feeling? I’ve got one unhappy teenager sitting upstairs. What happened?”
“To cut a long story short, Claudio and I are getting a divorce. Violet didn’t take it very well and I think she’s fed up with everything that’s happened lately. I’ve decided to book a holiday somewhere for us. Maybe it will do us some good. Try and talk to her for me, will you?”
“Alright! I will try my best, but you know how stubborn she is. At the moment she won’t even talk to me. Sorry to say this, but I doubt she’s going to want to go anywhere with you at the moment.”
“I hope she will, but I guess I’m just going to have to accept the fact that she needs time to deal with what’s happened.”
“Things will get better in time Bella. I’ll let her stay here until she decides otherwise. Is that ok with you?”
“I guess so. Thanks for everything Lizzie! I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
When I arrived at our destination it was quite late so I put the kids to bed and had a nice soak in the bath with a glass o
f wine. I decided to give Lizzie a call to find out how Violet was doing. To my surprise Simon answered the phone and told me Lizzie was out bowling with Violet. He seemed rather distant on the phone with me and I felt really lost. I didn’t know what to say to him.
I just know now that I have to deal with the fact that I have made a huge mess of things and pushed people away. Their reaction is rather normal.
I couldn’t sleep the whole night. I feel so tired today. I have to ask Lizzie what’s wrong with Simon.
“Hello Bella”
“Hey sis. Listen I spoke to Simon last night and he seemed really distant with me. That’s not like him at all! Do you know what the matter is with him?”
“You had better ask him that question, because I think you both have a lot to talk about.”
“OK, I will. I’m going to call him straight away. Speak to you later.”.
What am I going to say to him? Does he already know about the children? God Bella just pick up the damn phone and call him already!
“Hello.”
“Hello Simon it’s me. I need to talk to you! I don’t want to do it over the phone though, so I was wondering if you could find the time to come up to Yorkshire and meet me?
“I can’t at the moment Bella. I’m too busy. I do have a life of my own you know! I ‘ll let you know when I’m free again.” Then the line went dead. He wasn’t there anymore.
I just don’t know what the matter with him is. He’s never spoken to me like that before and it’s the first time he’s hung up on me. I already have a daughter that won’t talk to me and now Simon too.
I have been in Wales for a few months now and a lot has happened. Violet still isn’t talking to me and Lizzie said I should give her a bit more time, which is why I have decided to stay here a while longer.
I’ve rented a little bungalow in a small seaside town in Pembrokeshire Wales. I thought it would be the best way to get my head together. The local people here are very friendly and we soon settled in.
It took Violet until Christmas to come around. She has asked Lizzie if she can come up to see me. I felt so relieved and couldn’t wait to see her. I’ve missed her so much.
I decided to bake Violet’s favourite cake as peace sake. Then I went out and got a real Christmas tree, tinsel and fairy lights to decorate the cottage and give the kids a special Christmas. Bella and Liam found it very amusing watching me decorate the place alone. They did put in a helping hand though when it came to decorating the tree. Bella helped hang things up and Liam helped clean the baubles with his mouth.
Bella Page 17