by JT Kalnay
"Depends,” Bill answered. "I don't really care how long you take or when you get here or when you go home or whether you work at home. I profoundly do not care. My only care is that you do insanely good work, and lots of it. I would like to be able to get a hold of you in an emergency. But, I will give you as much rope as you want, as long as you're getting your work done. This place is pure performance based with dollars as the measuring stick.”
"Cool," Jay answered. "I've been looking at this stuff and I've got some ideas on where to look first so I'm gonna hit the pavement and see what boils up out of the grey matter.”
"Better keep your mind and your eyes on the traffic,” Bill cautioned.
"No worries,” Jay answered.
"Catch you later,” Bill called after the younger man who was now moving stiffly down the hallway away from him.
"I'll bet he goes jogging every day at noon like a little robot,” Dan Landford said.
"Probably will,” Bill answered. “You know these geniuses. They are obsessive, repetitive, and predictable.”
“Until they do something crazy.”
“Exactly.”
The day stretched towards five o'clock. Six came and went. Jay hardly noticed the others in his hallway saying their goodnights and drifting away. He was deep inside the problems of his assigned system. Bill approached Jay's office, careful to jingle his keys and scrape his feet so as not to surprise and scare Jay again. He looked in and there was Jay still bent over the papers. All the monitors were running now. Yellow post-it notes had appeared throughout the documents. There were a couple of diagrams on his whiteboard. Jay looked up and saw Bill. He looked at his watch, rubbed his eyes, leaned back in his chair and put his feet up on top of some of the documents on his overcrowded desk.
"So?" Bill asked.
"So ask me in another couple of days,” Jay shot back. "This is a pretty complicated little system you know.”
Bill noted the edge in Jay's voice and attributed it to tiredness and the effort of his intensity. He instinctively backed off, even though he had meant nothing by his questioning. Bill waited.
"There seem to be some minor flaws here and there, but I haven't come across any fundamental design problems yet. I figure it'll take me about a week to ten days to get all the way through this stuff once,” Jay said more calmly.
"That long?" Bill said noncommittally, trying to keep the conversation moving.
"Yep. 40,000 programmer hours in about week. That’s about right. I can do it fast, or I can do it right. I think this thing needs doing right,” Jay finished. Bill shook his head in agreement. "And speaking of doing, I've got a date,” Jay leered, happy with his pun. The two men left the office together.
Jay sat himself at a table where he could face the door. He was mildly surprised that Maria wasn't already there as he was five minutes late himself. Maybe she had already come and left, he thought. No-one would leave after just five minutes, he realized. Jay ordered a soda and some chips and settled in to wait. His mind drifted back to the incredible weekend of sex and he felt the recently familiar heat growing inside him. The waitress brought his drink and snack and asked if he was ready to order. He said he'd wait because he was meeting his date. The waitress gave him the once over and wondered if it was a guy date or a girl date.
While he waited, Ted Spencer appeared, spotted him, and joined him.
“Revisiting the scene of the crime?” Ted leered.
“What crime?” Jay said.
“Alright, revisiting the scene of the conquest.”
“What are you talking about?” Jay said.
“Don’t even pretend you didn’t nail that chick from Friday,” Ted said. “How was she?”
Jay tried to keep a straight face, couldn’t, and broke out into the conquest grin known to so many lonely twenty somethings hanging out in bars with other lonely twenty somethings.
“She was hot.”
“You waiting for her?”
“Yep.”
“Good luck with that. This is New York baby. You’re never going to see her again.”
“You think?”
“She probably crossed this bar off her list just so she wouldn’t run into you again.”
“Really?”
“Yep. Lots of bars. Lots of guys just like you. A little fun, no attachment, head on home to the husband or boyfriend or whatever.”
“That’s kinda cold.”
“Like I said, this is New York. But, if by some miracle she does show you can use my ‘snake pit’ uptown, anytime.”
“Thanks Ted.”
Twenty minutes later the waitress worked back to his table to find Jay looking at his watch and anxiously scanning the arriving faces. His drink was gone, so was his snack, and so was Ted, who had already hooked up with a flirty middle-aged woman.
"Gimme a beer,” he ordered. "Say, did you see a pretty Latin girl before I got here? Maybe she was looking for me?" he asked.
"No,” she answered. Girl date, the waitress said to herself. She hurried with the beer and flashed him a smile and leaned over so he could see her tits as she set down the beer. ‘You never know’, she thought.
One hour and two beers later it became clear to Jay that Maria wasn't coming. Then he realized he knew neither her last name, nor her phone number, nor her address. Almost like Tonia, he realized. These New Yorkers just use you up and spit you out, he thought. Disappointed, but not willing to give up on her, he ordered a pizza for dinner and another beer and ate by himself. The waitress kept coming over, and by the time he was done, she'd arranged to finish her shift early. There was little business on a Monday night anyway.
"I'm off work now,” she announced. "Do you want me to give you a lift somewhere?" she asked.
"What?" he asked.
"You look a little down, I thought you might want a lift or something,” she said with demure sleaziness. Jay couldn't believe it.
I must be the last straight, single, employed guy in New York City or something, he thought.
"Thanks. But no,” he answered.
"Wonder how long it’ll take him to forget her?" the one said. Rock beat scissors, and rock went to sleep for the first half of the shift.
The rest of the week went quickly for Jay. Working and jogging and watching baseball on the tube waiting for Maria to call. She never did. Friday night he went to the happy hour with the gang. He kept looking for Maria in the crowd but didn't see her. He left early, complaining of a cold. Truth be told he was lonely and the crowd and noise only made it worse. He didn't want any more one nighters. When Jay got back to his apartment he checked his answering machine. There was a rambling message from his mother. Once again she was cut off mid word. She'd never realized that she only had a minute to leave her message. Jay picked up the phone to call her back.
"Hi mom.”
"Hi.”
"How you doin'?" he asked.
"Okay,” she answered. "Did you get my message?" she asked.
"Part of it. Something must be wrong with my machine,” he lied. After trying to explain it to her three times, he'd given up. Thank God you can't burn down the house with a microwave, he thought. He loved her, but his mother was dangerous around the new appliances of the eighties and nineties.
"So you've got some news for me?" he asked, expecting the latest cousin news or gossip from the coffee stop.
"Yes baby. A girl. A very nice girl I might add, phoned looking for you. Her name was, I wrote it down here, it was Tonia Taggert and she said something about baseball, I'm not sure what.” Jay's heart skipped a beat. Tonia Taggert had called?
He couldn't believe it. He couldn’t believe she’d kept the number he’d slipped into her hand on their only date.
"Did she leave a number?" he asked.
"No but she said she'd try you in New York City. I gave her your number, I hope that's alright?" she asked. Jay was both pleased and upset. Ecstatic that Tonia Taggert had called but angry that his mother had given out his number. Wh
at if I had taken the CIA job, he wondered.
They chit chatted some more and then said their good-byes. Jay danced around the room in his home run trot, giving high fives to all his imaginary teammates. He settled in to wait by the phone, for Tonia, not for Maria. Hours later she still hadn't called and he drifted off to sleep on the couch after the last west coast game on ESPN ended.
In Jay's dream the phone was ringing.
"Hello,” Jay mumbled in response to the ringing phone. It rang again. "Hello?" he said louder. The next ring pulled him awake. His back hurt from sleeping on the couch and the TV was babbling some much too energetic aerobics. He picked up the phone.
"Hello?" Jay said.
"Hi. Jay?”
"Yeah,” he answered, not recognizing the voice.
"Hi. It's Tonia. Tonia Taggert. Remember?” Jay's eyes flew open wide. The morning light was way too bright for his eyes. Jay squinted in pain. It's her. It's really her, Jay thought. He sat up straight on the couch, his back cracking and popping with the sudden movement.
"Tonia. Tonia from the baseball game?" he asked. Jay was trying to sound nonchalant. Though his heart was racing and his mind was flying back to his few joyous hours with her, he struggled to control his voice, to not sound too anxious, too urgent. He didn't want to frighten her away.
"Yes silly. Tonia from the baseball game,” she answered.
"So. What's up?" Jay asked.
"Well. I got your number from your mom, what a sweetheart, and I thought I'd give you a call. See if you wanted to catch a ball game, go for a run, or something?"
"That sounds good,” he answered. "Did you have a particular game in mind or were you just asking in general?” There was a hint of studied indifference in his voice.
"Well,” there was a pause, "there's a game tonight, if you're not doing anything?" she ventured. Jay couldn't believe it. Not a word from the gorgeous woman in months. Not a card, letter, or call, and now she wanted to go out with him. What happened to “I can’t,” he wondered. What makes her think I don't already have a date Jay wondered in self-defense.
Then Jay thought back to their embrace in Central Park. The distant look in her eyes. The secretive way she'd said "I can't.” He was torn between his desire to see her and rescue her from whatever terrible thing was harming her and a sudden fearful feeling about Tonia Taggert and more pain. In an instant Jay made up his mind.
"Sounds great,” he said. "I live in Battery Park City now. Do you want to meet here or have me pick you up or what?" he asked.
"I'll pick you up at six,” Tonia said. "Don't be late.”
Chapter
Jay was downstairs waiting at 5:45, fifteen minutes early, dressed in pressed blue jeans, a blue and white GAP shirt and a white V neck sweater with blue trim. His brand new high top Nikes gleamed white. Jay looked exactly like what he was. A young, upwardly mobile, heterosexual professional ready to meet his date and hoping to get a kiss goodnight and another date.
At exactly six, Tonia pulled up in a white BMW convertible with the top down. Her long blonde hair was pulled back in a pony tail. Baby blue sunglasses shielded her eyes from the sun's rays reflecting off the Hudson. Jay stepped lively out of the apartment building and she slid over to let him drive.
"Hi,” he said, trying to sound as if beautiful young women pulled up in $50,000 cars to take him out every night.
"Hi,” she answered.
"You'll have to give me directions,” he said. "I haven't really learned my way around town much yet.”
"Okay,” she answered. The BMW slid onto West St. The early evening traffic was light. Tonia guided Jay through intersections, had him turn right at Canal Street and head uptown. Jay didn't realize he was in the collector lanes for the Holland tunnel. He thought he was headed to Yankee Stadium.
"I've never been to an American league game,” Jay said.
"We're not going to Yankee stadium,” Tonia answered.
"Then where are we going?" Jay asked.
"To the Reds game,” Tonia said matter-of-factly.
"But they're playing in Philadelphia tonight.”
"Yeah?" she asked.
"Yeah?" he answered. “And we’re in New York…” He looked over at her and saw her mouth beginning to curl up at the corners. She looked over, tipped her glasses forward off her lovely face. Her blue eyes caught and reflected the early evening's sunlight.
"Yeah they're playing in Philly. And yeah we've got third row seats behind home and yeah the first pitch is at 8:05 and yeah there's gonna be lots of traffic headed down the shore so I suggest you click on the radar detector and get your ass in gear son.” She sat back and lay her head on the rest.
Jay knew how to take orders. He found the southbound turnpike and got it their speed up to eighty-five in a hurry. People were still passing on both sides.
At 7:55, they pulled into Veteran's Stadium, hurried to their seats and were just in time to see Chris Sabo lead off the game with a home run. Jay was ecstatic. The drama and mystery of the exotic woman seated beside him. The high speed run down the turnpike. The novelty and excitement of the new stadium. The Reds in front after just one pitch. The smile on his face went from ear to ear.
"Do you want a beer?" she asked.
"No. I've gotta drive us home at warp factor two. Remember?" he answered.
"Mind if I have one? Or two?” Her eyes lit on his. Her smile was playful and warm. Like the soft summer breezes filtering down into the stadium. Jay couldn't have denied her any request at that moment.
By the seventh inning, the Reds were ahead 11-2. "Want to go now? Beat the traffic?" Jay asked. "We can listen to the end of the game on the radio?"
"Okay,” she answered. They got up to go and many pairs of jealous eyes watched the beautiful young woman lead her date up the steps and out of the stadium.
Headed north on the Jersey turnpike, Jay and Tonia caught the final out as the Reds hung on to win 11-7. Jay switched the radio over to FM. Sweet Amy Grant music came drifting out into the summer night air. Tonia pulled her hair out of the pony tail and let it spill out over the seat, on to her shoulders. It bathed in the moonlight. Jay kept stealing looks over at her.
"Tonia?"
"Yes?"
"Thanks for the game. It was great.”
"You're welcome,” Tonia answered.
Jay drove quietly for a minute. Tonia was singing softly with the radio.
"Maybe we'll catch another one sometime?" Jay ventured.
Tonia looked over at him. She shifted across the front seat so that she was sitting close to him. She rested her head on his shoulder and as she drifted off to sleep, she said, "I think I'd like that.”
An hour later, Jay coasted to a stop in front of his building. Tonia woke from the change in noise and motion.
“We're here,” Jay announced. Tonia wiped the sleep from her eyes. She looked at Jay. She looked like she didn't want to leave, didn't want the night to end. Jay recognized the look in her eyes as loneliness, as the look of someone who has nowhere else to go, nothing else to do, no-one to love them or want them or even know they're alive. It was a look he knew and understood.
"Maybe you want to come up and see my new place?" Jay asked. "Just for a minute? Maybe have a coffee before you drive home?” He didn't want to sound like he was coming on to her. He'd seen her skittish and afraid in the park. He didn't want her to bolt to God only knew where for another two months.
"That'd be nice,” Tonia said. They pulled her car into the underground garage and rode the elevator up to his apartment. With the computer equipment all over the living room, there was barely room for them to sit down. Jay made a coffee for her and cracked open a beer for himself.
"Hey that's not fair,” she said.
"You've got to drive home, remember?" he said.
"I don't have to,” she teased, emphasizing the 'have to'. Their eyes met. Tonia held his glance. She got up and walked over to where Jay was sitting. Tonia sat down on his lap and threw her arms a
round his neck. She looked straight into the questioning blue of his eyes.
"We're not going to do it and we're not going to fall in love. We can have a beer and watch a movie and fall asleep together if you want? Okay? Maybe we can be friends. Okay?"
She paused. She looked into his face. His eyes were saying yes but she could see his mind was saying wait.
"I've got nowhere else to go,” she added softly.
"Okay,” Jay answered. And that's exactly what happened. He felt ever so much closer to her knowing she wanted and needed him to be her friend. Jay slept and woke and prayed he'd never lose her again. That he could protect her from the demons that seemed to haunt her and gnaw at her pursuit of happiness. He cradled her head in his arms and stroked her flaxen hair while she slept on and on in the gentle rays of the fresh new morning.
Sunday started with a leisurely brunch. The two new friends chatted freely and with the ease of a couple long in love. The tension of the mystery of her was gone today. They sat and watched the baseball and later went for an intimate walk by the Hudson, ending up in the Village. By the end of the day Jay and Tonia had shared dreams and prayers, hopes and jokes. Fast friends became even faster friends. Jay was falling in love.
They were beating back by sheer force of will the loneliness of being smart and skilled and single after the social days of college are gone and the frantic desperate futility of the singles scene has left you empty and the idea of another Monday of "have-you-met-anybody" or another call from home wondering if you are bringing anyone special to your cousin's wedding makes you know that you might live forever alone, waking up cold in the morning and feeling colder still as solitary bare feet tread across the frigid tile of the bathroom floor whose door you are in the habit of leaving open because there's no-one to see you in it.
After a quiet dinner at a six table ristorante in the Village they cabbed back to Jay's place. Tonia stood beside her car and gave Jay a long kiss, running her hands gently up and down his back. He responded the way a young man will, with heat washing over him in feverish waves.