by Len Webster
Max watched Josie nod her head. He was so drawn to her tears. He had no idea why she was crying, but he wanted to be the one to console her. To wrap his arms around her and give her his support. But he wasn’t. Instead, the doctor’s arms were around Josie. Max stood still as he watched them. His heart begged for her. Pleaded that she seek his embrace instead of another’s.
Josie and the doctor hugged for a long time before they parted, and the doctor said something that Max couldn’t hear. Josie nodded again and then the doctor left her and made his way down the hallway.
This was his moment.
Max slowly approached her as she swiped her cheeks with the back of her hands.
“Josephine?” he said softly.
She stilled as she lifted her chin, and her bright blue gaze met his. “Max?” she uttered in disbelief.
Max stopped his steps the moment he reached her.
“What are you doing here?” she asked as her eyes searched his.
“Katie saw you were in hospital, and I rushed right over,” he explained.
She shook her head. “No.” She swallowed hard. “What the hell are you doing here in Melbourne? You’re supposed to be in Boston.”
Max’s shoulders fell as his heart dipped at the pain in her voice. “I couldn’t get on the plane, Josephine. I ran after you,” he said, and his hand reached out to her.
Josie took a step back, shaking her head. “No. You need to go, Max.”
“Josephine, please, let me explain. Can’t we just talk?”
“I don’t want to talk anymore, Max. I got my goodbye yesterday, and I gave you yours.”
Max closed the distance and grasped her shoulder firmly. “I’m sorry, Josephine. I made a terrible mistake on Sunday.”
Josie pressed her palms on his chest and pushed against him, separating him from her. “I chose you!” she yelled. “I chose you, Max. I chose you. I chose you. I CHOSE YOU!” She sobbed. “I chose you over my own needs and wants. Because that was my love for you. Was that not enough? Was I not enough?”
“No, Josephine—”
Her chin dipped. “I’m never enough. You made it clear that I am not the choice worth choosing.”
“I made a mistake,” he said in a tight voice.
Her eyes found his. “A mistake that didn’t take my feelings … my love for you … into consideration.” Her lip trembled. “Right now, this isn’t about you or me … or the possibility of us. There is no us, Max. There can’t be an us after this.”
“But—”
“You have no idea how much you hurt me. You want me to be honest with you, Max?”
He nodded.
“You ended us the morning I found out my mother’s cancer was terminal and she was put on life support,” she revealed.
Max wanted to shrivel up.
That was why Josie never fought him on that Sunday morning.
That was why she had looked so heartbroken before he even said her name.
That was why she sobbed before he even began to apologise.
Her mother had cancer.
Her mother was on life support.
Josie was in the hospital visiting her mother.
It now all made sense to him.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.
Tears glazed over her blue eyes as she said, “You were too busy breaking my heart.”
He flinched. Her words of truth sliced his heart as if it were made of thin paper. Her honesty and delivery pained him.
He had broken her heart.
The truth in her eyes, on her face, and in her voice.
When she needed him the most, he had ended them.
“Josephine, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, hating the man he was.
The man he still was.
“I appreciate you coming here when you thought it was me in that hospital bed, but I don’t need you, Max. For the past four days, I’ve had Stella and West by my side when I thought I needed you the most—”
“Josephine, don’t do this,” he begged and grasped her arms once again. “Please, don’t do this.”
“It’s over, Max.”
“It’s not. Please. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You’re my—”
Josie yanked her arms free and slapped him hard across the face. Max stumbled back and held his palm to his skin to soothe her harsh blow. “No!” she screamed, tears streaming down her face. “No. You don’t get to plead for me. You don’t get to suddenly decide that I’m who you want. That I’m who you suddenly need. That I now matter to you.”
“Jos—”
The sound of a door being opened and footsteps had him shutting his mouth.
“Josephine, is everything okay?”
Max craned his neck to find a man in his late forties with clenched fists by his side. He had blue eyes that reminded him of Josie’s and light brown hair. His nostrils flared as if he were trying to contain his anger.
“Yes,” Josie said. Max swung his gaze back to her. Those glassy blues killed him. “Everything here is … finished.”
Then she reached up and brushed the proof of her love for him away from her cheeks.
From the corner of his eye, he noticed the man retreat into the room, and Max lowered his palm from his cheek. “Who is that guy?”
“That guy?”
He nodded.
“That’s my father, Max.”
“Your father … the ambassador?” he asked, completely bewildered that her father would be in Melbourne right now.
“The very one. I called him, and to my surprise, he came through and was here when I needed him. So it looks like the only person who has let me down recently is just you, Max. My love for you was the biggest disappointment I have ever experienced.”
Max flinched.
Anger and shame consumed his chest.
“But your father has—”
“No,” she said, startling him with the strength in her voice. “I expect my father to break my heart. But you, God, I didn’t expect that from you. Not from someone who claimed he loved me and whispered that I’m his La Vie En Rose as he made love to me. I didn’t expect you to hurt me after you made me so happy at the ballet. You made me think I deserved love, but then you took that away from me. And I was stupid enough to let it happen. I was stupid enough to put you first and let you go after her. I was a fucking idiot for going to the airport yesterday, hoping you wouldn’t let me turn around and walk away. So let me be your disappointment, Max. Just like you disappointed me.”
“No …”
“Go to Boston, Max. I’m no longer putting you above me because that woman in that hospital room on life support is the only person who has ever put me first. I thought I had found love with you and gave you all of me when you only gave me parts. Don’t you see how unfair your love was to me? You blindsided and lied to me. So go, Max. I can’t live my life with you in it.”
Max shook his head. “No. I’m not going anywhere,” he promised.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Max repeated as if she didn’t hear him.
Josie stood there, horrified when he didn’t just walk away like he had on Sunday or even yesterday at the airport.
Her love for him pleaded for her to just walk into his arms.
But her pride wouldn’t let that happen.
He broke her heart.
She would never let him piece her back together.
Right now, her heart was off-limits, and she needed to be as far away from Maxwell Sheridan as possible. The determination that flickered in his light brown eyes had nausea sweeping through her. She couldn’t stand being under that gaze of his. She feared she’d crack under the pressure and give him the three words she promised she’d never let him hear.
Because he didn’t deserve her love.
He didn’t deserve to be her La Vie En Rose.
And Josie didn’t deserve to have him end the love they shared.
There was nothing she could say.
Nothing more she could add.<
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Josie was tired.
Tired of the emotional roller coaster he had put her through.
Tired of all the tears she had cried over him.
She was so tired.
So to avoid any more, she decided that it was best if she felt. Felt it all to get over it all. It was clear he was determined to stay, so she was determined to leave. Josie turned on her heels and then made her way towards her mother’s room. Her heart screamed she was making a mistake, but she knew what was best for it.
And Maxwell Sheridan wasn’t what was best for her or her heart.
When she reached the door, she paused and remembered that he didn’t get on that plane. She was relieved that he didn’t. But it was only momentary because he still broke her heart. He still chose someone else. And Josie was not going to take him back—no matter how much she wanted and needed him. Josie grasped the handle, turned it, and opened the door. She stepped into the room and shut the door behind her. She took in her best friend sitting on the chair by her mother’s bed and her father standing by the window, both staring at her.
Stella was the first to move. She jumped out of the chair and rushed towards Josie. “Are you okay? What the hell was that?”
Josie attempted a reassuring smile that ended up being a frown. “It was Max.”
From the corner of her eye, she noticed her father flinch. Then he made his way to her and settled his palm on her shoulder. “Do you want me to get rid of him? I’ll get security.”
She was touched that her father had decided to get all protective over her, but it wasn’t needed. Max wouldn’t physically hurt her or make a scene. He had grasped her to get her attention, but she wasn’t having none of it. In fact, the person who had gotten physical was Josie when she slapped him. The moment her palm met his cheek, it stung, and guilt polluted her chest. She felt horrible, but he also deserved it for lying and hurting her.
“No, Dad, it’s okay. Max has no meaning in my life. He’ll go away eventually.”
“All right,” Jeff Faulkner said. The scepticism in his eyes made her wish she was a better liar to convince the people around her that Max no longer meant everything to her.
“Josie,” Stella said, getting her attention.
“Yeah?”
Her best friend had a tight smile on her face. “You have that seminar today. If you don’t want your lecturers and tutors to know, you should go, or they’ll penalise you for your lack of attendance and participation. You can’t let that suffer.”
Josie made a small nod. Her best friend was right. She didn’t want anyone else to know her mother was on life support with terminal cancer. And she couldn’t fail law school. Not now. Not when her mother had so much hope for her.
“Yeah, I’ll go to the seminar. It’s some stuff I need to know for my taxation exam. I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Are you both going to be okay without me?”
Stella nodded. “Of course.”
Then Josie turned to face her father, appreciating the fact he was trying. “We’ll talk some more tonight?”
“I’d like that,” he said as he cupped the back of her head and pressed a kiss to her forehead. When he pulled back, he smiled down at her. “I’m proud of you, Josephine.”
He’s proud of me.
All she could do was appreciate his compliment with a thankful smile.
She and her father had a long way to go before they solidified a proper relationship, but he was trying, and Josie would be fair to him and try, too. She stepped away from her father and made her way to her mother. Gently, Josie set her hand on her mother’s shoulder and pressed her lips to her forehead.
“I love you, Mamma,” she whispered. “I’ll be back soon.”
Then she pulled away and held back the tears that threatened as the mechanical beeps answered her instead of her mother.
She knew her mother loved her.
But Josie desperately wanted to hear her mother say it.
Wished she could see the smile on her face when Josie expressed her love to her.
Slowly letting out an exhale, Josie stood straight and patted at her back pockets. She felt the familiar grooves of her phone and keys and was satisfied she had them.
“I won’t be long,” she promised and made her way towards the exit. She was tempted to stop and turn around. Sneak a peek of her mother to remind her why she was carrying on. But she knew if she did, she’d refuse to go to university. Latching onto that small ounce of will left in her, she grasped the door handle and pulled it, opening the door.
The moment she stepped out into the hall, she watched Max get up from the hospital hallway floor. He hadn’t left, and she wasn’t sure if she should be moved or annoyed that he was still here. Josie’s emotions were in bits.
She wanted him.
She hated him.
She loved him.
She wanted to rip his goddamn heart out.
She wanted his love.
She didn’t need it.
And all those emotions collided with each other and made her breathless. It only made the pain in her chest double. At twenty-two, this was not what she thought her life would be like.
She thought she’d be carefree and wild.
Not this.
Anything but this.
Max attempted a step towards her, but he quickly got back in line and dug his hands into his dress pants pockets. He opened his mouth to speak but quickly shut it. She was sure the expression on her face was one for him not to test.
She had yelled at him.
She had slapped him.
Yet he stayed.
Inhaling a deep breath through her nostrils, Josie told her brain to take charge of the situation before her stupid heart pleaded for him. Pleaded for him to promise her a future that no longer held bitter disappointments. “I have a law seminar. I’ll be gone for a couple of hours. When I get back, Max, I don’t want to see you here.”
He winced as if she hurt him. The pain swirled in his eyes, and he slouched as if the strings within him had loosened. “Josephine, I just want to be here for you and give you my support.”
She shook her head and swallowed, hoping it would relieve the dryness in her mouth and throat. He sounded sincere and honest, but it wasn’t enough for her.
So Josie decided to fulfil her promise from earlier.
I have to disappoint him the way he disappointed me.
By ending hopes of our love.
“I loved you, Max.”
He flinched at her cold tone.
She pushed away any second-guessing and summoned any strength.
Whether real or fake.
She needed whatever she could get.
“I loved your selfish heart … and that’s the problem.”
He opened his mouth, but she shook her head.
“That’s the problem,” she said in a tiny voice and wiped away a lone tear that fell. Josie sniffled and revealed, “You don’t get to be that guy in my life, Max. Not anymore,” then turned and made her way down the hall and towards the elevators.
I can’t do this.
I can’t do this anymore.
I already ruined my chances with Gordon Sheridan.
What’s the point?
My mother is fucking dying, and I am sitting in that lecture hall and nodding as if taxation will save her life.
Josie tilted her head back and stared at the high ceilings of the law building. His office was on the seventh floor and a metre away from her. Josie lowered her chin and took in the blue painted door. All through her seminar, she had the same thought. Law school seemed so pointless. Her life was falling apart, and she knew soon enough that her place at Deakin University would be threatened. Josie knew she would miss the last remaining weeks of semester to be with her mother.
And the idea of taking her exams just seemed so unimaginable.
Every time she thought she could do it, guilt knocked the wind out of her. How dare she live her life when her mother’s was supported by machines.<
br />
Jason can help.
He can tell me how to do this and save my law degree.
But it means the university knowing.
Josie clenched her eyes shut and took three deep breaths.
When she opened her eyes, she took a step back.
And then another.
And another.
Until she made it to the top of the stairs.
Josie made a decision.
Right now, she could manage it.
She had to.
There’s no way she wanted her university lecturers and tutors to know.
It also meant saying it out loud and further cementing the reality that her mother wasn’t coming back to her.
You could always take another semester off …
“Maybe a year,” Josie whispered to herself as she entered the hospital’s main entrance.
The drive from the Burwood campus to the Royal Melbourne Hospital had been mindless. She made the turns. Drove the speed limit. Stopped when she had to. Indicated when she needed to and parked without a hint of hesitation. Josie had been on autopilot.
When she had parked her Mini Countryman in the visitors’ car park, her mind snapped back to reality, and she began to question her future once again. She knew the chances were that she wouldn’t finish her degree on time.
Another semester off meant another six months added to her degree.
Take a year off and being a lawyer would become a distant dream.
But her mother mattered.
You can defer your degree altogether.
No more exams.
No more classes.
No more pressure.
Josie shoved her car keys in her back pocket with a sigh. Deferring her degree was like giving up. Hell, she might as well just drop out of university altogether. Her classes weren’t easy. There were no second chances in law school. If she failed an exam, it would be on her permanent record. A record that could be used against her during placement interviews.
Enough, Josie.
One situation at a time, she reminded herself.
She still had two weeks before exams started, and her last assignment was already finished and could be handed in. It would be the toughest two weeks of her life, but she willed herself to believe she could do it.