by Lauren Wood
“What happened?”
This was something he didn’t ask, ever. Ernest didn’t usually ask really anything about anything, but he had concern on his face like we were about to be attacked or surrounded by police.
“I thought everything was going so well. We made love and then…”
I couldn’t even finish because in truth I wasn’t really sure what the hell had happened. She’d gone from cold to hot to cold and back in only a few minutes. My head was still spinning by how fast the change took place. There was no rhyme or reason for it all and I wanted to know what the hell had happened. I kept asking myself this over and over again and I still didn’t have an answer, no matter how badly I wanted one.
Ernest looked uncomfortable and I couldn’t blame him. This wasn’t usually his job and the only reason it was this time was because I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be doing. I was supposed to be the boss, sure, but we will still sitting in front of her house. I had to go. I knew that. She’d asked me to go over and over again and now I had to. I wanted to know what it was that made this possible. What had happened?
“Do you want to leave or are you going back in?”
Ernest wanted instructions and I finally told him to leave. There was nothing I could do here because she didn’t want me. I didn’t think I would ever feel this way, but here I was and she wasn’t worried about me in the least bit. Everything was wrong as far as I was concerned. There was nothing to make this all better.
“No, I’m not going back in that damn place. Just drive Ernest. I don’t even care where, as long as we are away from here.”
He didn’t say anything else; obviously he could see I was distressed. I was more than distressed. I was so stressed out that my stomach hurt. I was ready to leave. I’d spent the last couple of weeks getting everything in order, taking care of all of my affairs in America. I wanted to come here tonight, make love to Danny and take her away with me. This is what I’d saw happening and now the most important thing that I was to bring with me didn’t want to go. What was I supposed to do now? I didn’t want to leave without her but it was the first time that I was seeing this as something that might actually happen.
Ernest finally drove me towards the city and I was able to think about what had happened. I knew that this was the time that I had to leave. It wasn’t a choice. Jail wasn’t an option so the only one I had was to get the hell out of here. I just didn’t want to do it without her. Why had she come back in my life, only to leave again? It didn’t make any sense and I was sick of trying to understand it.
I fell in bed that night and tried my best not to think of Danny. She had come back into my life and messed everything up. A couple of months ago, I still thought about her, but she was a distant memory. It took a long time to get her there and now I was sure that it was going to be an even longer time this time around.
Waking up in the middle of the night, I didn’t want to give up on the situation. I knew if I told her how I felt, if she realized how much I loved her, how honest I was willing to be with her, I knew that she would have to forgive me and she would have to take me back. Danny wasn’t going to walk away this time, not if I didn’t let her. It’s what I should have done before. I should have stopped her.
With a new plan in mind, I was able to move forward. It wasn’t something that was going to be easy, but convincing her to be with me the first time hadn’t been all that easy either. She was worth it, even if I had to go above and beyond for her. I was going to make the grand gesture and really show her my love. She wouldn’t be able to walk away then. There was just no way. She wasn’t heartless and I knew that she still felt the same way about me as I did about her.
I got everything together so we could just leave from her house. Today was the day and it had to be today. I had everything in place. Now was the time to find out if what Danny felt for me was love or something weaker. I wanted desperately to be right about her, but I knew that there was a chance that I was very wrong. Only time would tell and I was beyond nervous at the prospect.
Telling myself that this was the last time I was going to try, it had to be, I hoped once more that Danny would see what was right in front of her and take the leap. It would be a lot that I had to ask of her, but it was how it had to be. This was the only way we could be together and I really wanted her to go along with it. I hadn’t gone with her to college all those years ago, but I needed her to come with me now.
Chapter 24
Danny
“Oh my God, seriously Mack, what are you doing here?”
I was just getting back from a run and at least this time I wasn’t in the house again. He wanted me to let him in and I told him that it was best if we walked and talked. I think he took it as I didn’t want to be alone with him, which was a plus, but it was really because I still didn’t know who, if anyone was listening anymore.
“You want to walk?”
“Yeah.”
“Where?”
“Just ahead, come on. Don’t make it difficult.”
“I feel like I should say the same thing about you. Your moods are giving me whiplash.”
He was right to be confused and I was too, but I stuck to my guns. At least now I could tell him what was going on. I had been distant and acting strange, but now he would at least know why. He wouldn’t leave thinking that I hated him or him hating me. This time he would know the full truth and in a way I was relieved that we had this opportunity.
“Well, I’ve had a reason for how I have been acting.”
I looked behind me and I was just checking, expecting to see a tinted car somewhere behind us, ready to jump out and take him into custody.
“What is the reason that you’ve been tying me up in a knot Danny, because I can’t see one?”
“How about the fact that I went home a few weeks ago to a couple of FBI detectives in my house?”
“So you know.”
It wasn’t the answer I was expecting, but his did anger me for some reason. After all of the grief and strife, he was acting a little too casual. He was acting like this happened on a regular basis and I had to wonder if it did. With Mack, there really was no telling.
“Yeah I know. I knew before they came. They have my house bugged. It’s been that way for a while. You wouldn’t shut up yesterday and I had to shut you up somehow.”
“Ugh, so you had sex with me to shut me up? That’s why you climbed on top and rode me like that?”
“You say it likes it’s a bad thing. It’s not. I wanted you and yeah, it was part of it, but it still felt amazing like it always does. Why does it matter if there were other reasons behind it? You act like you wanted your confession on record with them.”
”I don’t, but I thought we did it because you wanted me and missed me.”
“I do, you know I do Mack, but this is too much for me. You need to leave, I’m sure you already have plans to do so, so why try to kid ourselves like this can actually work?”
“I can think of many reasons. I am going, but I wasn’t here to argue. I’m here to see if you will go with me. I know that it’s a lot to ask and since you know, it doesn’t take much to realize what I’m asking of you. Leave it all behind and come with me. I have enough money that you will never have to work again or you can. You can do whatever you want, wherever you want, just not here. And we can’t come back for a while. A long while.”
He was saying it all so fast like I did when I was trying to get something out and I didn’t have much courage to do so.
“I can’t do that Mack. They are watching me and I just can’t do that. My life is here. My job. Everything that I worked for is here and I can’t just go with you.”
He looked disappointed and I was as well. I knew that I was never going to find another man like him. I’d tried over the years and every other man had come up short when compared to him. It was hard to know what else to do. I couldn’t so what he asked of me. There was no way.
“You just need to go without
me Mack, but go soon because I don’t want to see you go to jail. It’s the very last thing that I want. I want to think of you happy somewhere.”
“Like paradise?”
He remembered and I smiled at him. I didn’t even know if those islands really existed, I’d never looked it up, but it was always an obsession of ours. The perfect life on a small island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
“Yes.”
“It won’t be paradise without you Danny.”
“You always did have all of the right things to say Mack.”
I turned to him to see his face and to memorize every line and wrinkle. I wanted to remember the exact color of his eyes because I knew then that I was never going to see him again. He was going to go live the life on the lamb and I didn’t want that. I just couldn’t.
“It’s because I love you Danny. You have to know that. I loved you way back when and I love you just as much now, maybe more. What you’ve turned into and become is admirable. You’ve came a long way. Come with me. I know it’s a lot to ask, but we’re meant for each other.”
I just shook my head and knew that I couldn’t back down. He leaned in to kiss me and it was the bitterest sweet thing I had ever tasted. It was to be our last kiss. I felt like everything good was ending in this one moment.
I pushed him back, unable to take the contact any longer. He had to go and let me get over him, if that was even possible. I didn’t know if it was, but I was going to find out, again.
My mind told me to keep walking as my heart broke again. I didn’t want to see him for this reason, but now he wouldn’t wait around for me because it wasn’t going to do him any good. This is how it had to be and I just wanted him to know that. He had to get it through his head. The man was not like this, I knew that and I knew from just the way he acted that he loved me. It didn’t do us any good, but it somehow made it easier. I was to know that he always loved me because I was always going to love him.
He didn’t chase after me. I just started walking the same way that we were going to begin with. I looked back when I dared and he was still in the same spot. Mack looked like he wanted to say something, but pride held him back. This had gone far worse than it had in my head.
“If you change your mind, meet me at the airstrip at five. I’m leaving tonight and I don’t know when I will be back.”
I didn’t answer him because I didn’t trust my voice at this point. There was something about him and the way he looked at me. For the first time since I’d known Mack, he looked defeated. I had seen something similar before when we’d broken up before, but this time it seemed different. Or maybe this time I knew what it was because I felt the same way.
***
His words echoed in my ear the rest of the day and my eyes were on the clock on the wall. I couldn’t keep my gaze from it. I knew that everything about his idea was wrong and that it was a horrible idea, but the fact of the matter was that I was never going to find anyone like him again. He was to be my soul mate. Was I really going to let him go?
Chapter 25
Danny
It was only a couple of minutes before five when I realized what a mistake I was making. I had to get to him and I rushed out, sure that we were going to meet at the last minute and then everything would be okay. I didn’t take anything with me except my purse. I was going to need my ID, but everything else was up in the air as far as I knew.
I drove as fast as I could to the airstrip we had went to the first time we’d went back out together. He’d told me then that he’d been there to see me. I was there to see him and it had culminated to this very moment. I could see it in my head and it made me smile to myself. This was the moment that I had been waiting for since I left the first time. I knew better then and I finally knew better now. My life was going to be so different then what I planned for it, but it was going to have Mack in it and that’s all that mattered.
I got to the airstrip and I didn’t see anyone. There were no cars and no planes. I checked my watch and I was twenty minutes late. I’d driven as fast as I could, but I’d taken too much time to make up my mind. He was gone and I didn’t know what to do.
Remembering he was still close enough to get a call, I tried him on his cellphone, but it went right to voicemail like it was off. There was no way for me to contact him. He was gone and I was left feeling that I’d made another huge mistake in my life. This one, I didn’t know if I was going to be able to fix it. This time I might have ruined it forever. Now what was I supposed to do?
I drove back home in a daze and I felt numb inside. What had I done? My indecision was going to cost me everything, it already had. I’d lost the only man that I loved and the only man that had ever satisfied me. It was all gone and I could feel the loss in my soul. I still almost couldn’t believe he was gone. It had gone so differently in my head. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. It just wasn’t.
***
I was in denial when I got home and the more I tried to make sense of it, the shorter I became. There was no rhyme or reason, not really. There were just coincidences that didn’t make any sense. This was one of those times.
Mariss was home and she was watching something on the television. “Where did you go? I went to the bathroom and came back and you were gone.”
I didn’t want to admit where I was or where I had tried to go, not now that I knew it was a bust. I felt like an idiot as it was, but Mariss knew everything so I spilled my guts.
As I was talking, some breaking news came in that left me feeling even colder inside. It was as if all of my blood had run cold and I didn’t know what to think or say. I just stared at the scene and the flashes of a plane going down over the ocean. It was Mack’s plane and though there was a search for him and his other passenger, there didn’t seem to be any hope that he had lived through the explosion.
Mariss looked at me and then at the screen. I’d been staring at it for quite some time and I was lost in the moment, unsure I remembered how to breathe.
“Is that Mack?”
I told her that it was and that was only said with a nod of my head. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Mack’s plane had exploded not long after takeoff over the ocean. He was on his way to Spain from the looks of it and never made it.
“Weren’t you supposed to be on there too?”
It wasn’t a thought I’d had yet. I was still processing the fact that the last time I saw him was really and truly going to be the last time. That kiss was our last one. I was never going to see him again. The last thing that I was thinking about was the fact that I should have been on there with him and I would have blown up too. Maybe it would have been better.
Tears were streaming down my face and I watched the screen, not really seeing it for several minutes. The numbness was pushed further and now I felt like I was in oblivion. There was nothing that I could do about this. He was gone. But it was impossible to really and truly believe he was gone. We’d been apart for so long, but I always knew that he was out there somewhere. It had been a reassurance and now…
Mariss stopped trying to ask questions and sat beside me and put an arm around me. I didn’t even feel it. I should be able to feel it, right?
***
I had to go to the funeral that was held in our hometown, if not to just say goodbye to him properly. There were lots of people from the reunion and I walked around in a daze, weaving in and out of conversations and stories about Mack. He truly was loved and admired by many.
I spotted Mack’s mother and since I’d known her well a long time ago, I wanted to give her my condolences and say I was sorry. I didn’t know what to say in these sorts of things, but she was taking it better than I would have guessed. Mack was her only son and she didn’t seem all that bothered. That was strange, but I reminded myself that not everyone grieved in the same way. I’d stared at a wall for almost a full day. That can’t be healthy on any scale.
“I’m so sorry Madeline. I don’t know what to say, but he is love
d and missed by so many.”
She smiled at me and agreed. “I really thought the two of you would work it out one day.”
“We did a little in the end. We just didn’t have enough time to see it through.”
I heard my voice cracking and I was going over how it could have been different.
“It is a shame Danny, but you know that he is in paradise now, having the time of his life.”
I looked at her a little strangely and she had this knowing look on her face. Did I hear her right? What the hell did his mom mean? Did she just wink at me?
Madeline was confusing me to no end and I felt like she knew something that she wasn’t coming out with. I wanted to ask her more, but someone was coming towards us with the same thing in mind as me originally.
“You should never give up hope Danny. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes you just have to make a leap.”
The older man was upon us and I repeated my condolences before I went to sit down. I felt now like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. Was she playing games? How could I keep hope alive when the one man I loved was dead?
Chapter 26
Mack
The Kuri Island was as close to paradise as I was going to find, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I was supposed to be here with Danny, but she hadn’t wanted to come. If she wouldn’t have agreed to go with me, she certainly wouldn’t have agreed to the rest of the plan. It was the plan that was going to take me off of everyone’s radar for good.
Now I was here, with nothing to do in one of the most beautiful places that I’d ever seen. I’d read about this place years ago and wanted to come. Now I was here and it didn’t have the magic that I was hoping for. In two weeks, that feeling had changed and I was already looking into somewhere else to hang my hat. It felt like the least that I could do now that I had all of this time on my hands.
The island consisted of a couple of hundred inhabitants and I was close enough to Hawaii that I could take a plane there in less than an hour. I went to my small villa and made some arrangements to go there later in the day. It was going to be another beautiful day in paradise and I didn’t want to spend it alone.