The Big-Ass Witch (The Half-Assed Wizard Book 2)

by Gary Jonas

  “Fuck you,” I said.

  “Language,” she said. “There’s a kid present.”

  “The kid is older than both of us.”

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Sabrina drove us to Demetrius’s house in her new Kia Soul. On the ride over, Demetrius sat in the backseat gazing out the window, and I placed a call to Lakesha.

  “You’re late,” she said.

  “You always say that.”

  “You’re always late.”

  “Yeah, well, Abigail is at Regina’s house. Can you meet us over there?”

  “I have a shop to run.”

  “You’ve made, what, one sale in the hours I’ve spent in your store?”

  “My clients mostly shop in the morning.”

  “Right. You know what I think?”

  “You think the braille on drive-through ATMs is for blind drivers.”

  “Leave the humor to me,” I said.

  “Fine. I don’t give a good goddamn what you think, Brat.”

  “Are you going to meet us at Regina’s?”

  “Who’s with you?”

  “Demetrius and Sabrina.”

  “I think Sabrina can handle any magic required.”

  “But Abigail is a witch.”

  “What’s your point?”

  “Shouldn’t there be some witch on witch action? I mean magically speaking, not sexually speaking.”

  “I’m so glad you clarified that. If I close the shop to go over there, it’s going on your father’s bill.”

  “Fine. Charge him for a full day’s sales. That ought to be at least ten bucks.”

  “You think you’re funny.”

  “I think the only reason you agreed to teach me is because my father is paying you a shitload of money.”

  “It hasn’t been enough so far.”

  “Oh,” I said with a laugh. “It never will be.”

  “Is that a prediction or a threat?”

  “Both.”

  “Just remember that’s a two-way street.”

  “Challenge accepted,” I said. “See you at Regina’s.”

  “Or not,” she said and hung up.

  I frowned. Lakesha had been quick to close the shop to help Demetrius before. So what changed?

  “She’s coming, right?” Sabrina asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  “You asshole. You probably pissed her off enough to make her stay home. Abigail is a powerful witch. We could use Lakesha’s help.”

  “You call her and convince her.”

  Sabrina turned onto the street where Regina’s old house sat. “Maybe we should just go pick up Lakesha.”

  “We don’t need her.”

  “Your call.”

  Sabrina pulled up in front of the house and parked.

  Demetrius stepped through the side of the car and raced to the house. He ran right through the front wall of the building and disappeared before I managed to get out of the car.

  Sabrina and I entered the house.

  “Demetrius?” I called. “Abigail?”

  “In my room,” Demetrius said.

  We walked down the hall to his bedroom. Abigail stood on a stool with her head in a noose. She gripped the rope and her feet seemed to be fighting to kick over and to steady the stool at the same time.

  “What the hell?” I said.

  “Help me,” Abigail said. “She’s trying to kill herself again.”

  “Should have thought of that before you abducted her,” I said.

  “Let my Auntie Regina go!” Demetrius said.

  A light went on in Abigail’s eyes. Her gaze focused on me. “You’re right. I can try one more time.”

  And she let go of the rope around her neck, aimed her forearms at me and spoke some words in a language I couldn’t identify,

  Regina’s ghost shot from Abigail’s tattoos and plowed right into me with a blast of cold air.

  I didn’t have time to dodge, and I instantly felt the urge to kill myself. It didn’t matter how, though hanging called out more than anything else.

  “Sabrina,” I said. “You might want to knock me out so I don’t kill myself.”

  “What?”

  Abigail hopped off the stool. “Here you go, asshole,” she said.

  I climbed onto the stool and took hold of the rope. I tried to fight it, but the urge was strong. I had an overpowering feeling that I’d failed and didn’t deserve to live. I pulled the rope over my head. It was time to end it all. Just kick the stool over and choke to death. My legs wobbled as my feet moved to try and tip the stool over. The stool tilted to one side, then the other, then back again.

  And it finally fell over.

  “Brett, no!” Sabrina yelled.

  But she was too late. I dropped.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  My feet hit the ground.

  Regina, like Abigail, stood maybe five foot two in heels. I stood six feet tall. Where their legs would have dangled without touching the floor, I could stand flat-footed.

  I laughed and took the rope off my neck. Regina tried to push me to slit my wrists or to find another way to kill myself. But with her initial effort over, I was back in control.

  While I understood the pressure and stress Regina felt, my method of handling it was to not bother to try and live up to expectations. I didn’t feel guilty about it the way she did. Her efforts hadn’t been enough to save Demetrius or her sister. Those were powerful emotions, but they weren’t my emotions. I liked Demetrius. He was a good kid for a ghost. But I didn’t feel like his death had anything to do with me.

  All of this rushed through my head as Sabrina grabbed my arm.

  “Are you all right?”

  “I’m good,” I said. I turned to Abigail. “You really didn’t kill your boyfriend.”

  “Weston wasn’t my boyfriend.”

  “So you’re saying there’s a chance for us.”

  “I just threw a suicidal ghost into you.”

  “I survived,” I said. “How do I get her out of me?”

  “Without the Solomonic Triangle tattoo? Can’t be done.”

  “Regina, get the hell out of me,” I said.

  Nothing happened.

  “Sorry about that, Brett,” Abigail said. “Your ass is going bye-bye now.”

  “Not right now.”

  “Soon. She’s going to keep trying to kill herself, which means you’re going to die. It’s going to grow into a compulsive need, and it can happen in mere hours. It’s worse at night, up until eleven. You can’t fight it for long.”

  “Well, thanks for that,” I said.

  “Anytime.”

  “No offense, but you don’t look so good,” Sabrina said.

  “I still think you’re hot,” I said.

  Abigail ignored me. “Fighting that ghost took a lot out of me.”

  “Good,” Sabrina said. “I don’t relish the thought of fighting you again.”

  “I’m not going to fight,” Abigail said.

  “I don’t trust you.”

  “Nor should you, but I’m exhausted.”

  “In that case,” I said, “what say you sit down and tell us what’s going on?”

  Abigail sat down on the dusty floor. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

  I nodded. “I don’t think you’re a bad girl. Well not bad as in evil. I kinda hope you like to be a bad girl in certain situations.”

  “Shut up, Brett,” Sabrina said.

  She sat on the floor facing Abigail.

  “Thanks,” Abigail said. “He was heading toward Inappropriate Avenue.”

  “He owns a lot of property there,” Sabrina said.

  “No, I just rent,” I said.

  “Sit down, Brett,” Abigail said.

  “Anything for you, Abigail.” I sat down and we formed a triangle of our own. Abigail, Sabrina, and myself. Demetrius hung back and seemed unsure what to do. Not that he could have done much. He was a ghost.

  Abigail ran a hand through her hai
r and the smell of her perfume drifted into my nostrils again. I felt a pull toward her, and now that she wasn’t trying to kill me, I welcomed it. If I played my cards right, I might get lucky tonight.

  But tonight was hours away, and I’d have to ditch Sabrina and the kid at some point to get some alone time with the lovely witch.

  She idly ran her fingers through the dust on the floor. “I don’t know where to begin,” she said.

  “The beginning is traditional,” I said.

  She drew an A in the dust. “I was born Abigail Argent.”

  “Any relation to Rod Argent?”

  “Who?”

  I broke into the chorus of the song, “Hold Your Head Up.” When I sang the word “high” I went falsetto and pointed to the ceiling.

  She looked at me like I was crazy. Her finger scrawled a B into the dust.

  “The band Argent,” I said. “Rod Argent was the keyboardist.” She still looked confused. “Come on, ‘Hold Your Head Up’ had the best organ solo in all of rock and roll.”

  “I prefer classical music.” She scrawled a D into the dust then started drawing some geometric pattern.

  “Your little spell thing won’t work,” I said.

  “What do you mean?”

  I pointed to the letters she’d written and the pattern she continued to work on. “A is for Abigail who looks adorable. B is for Brett who wants your bod.” I noted her frown, so I tried to recover. “Sorry, I should have come up with a different B word. And D is for Dana who doesn’t give a damn.”

  She smiled at me. “Actually, the A is for abdricane. The B is for brodicle.”

  I looked at Sabrina. “Does that mean anything to you?”

  Sabrina shrugged. “I don’t speak witch.” I noticed a bit of blood in her teeth as she spoke, so I knew she was ready for action. I felt better knowing we had the upper hand.

  Abigail leaned back, sweeping her finger through the dust in an arc around her. She reached back with her other hand and continued the arc around her, sweeping her arm around to complete the circle.

  I laughed. “Regardless, the spell won’t work because her name isn’t Dana.”

  Abigail gave me a smile. “You are kinda cute.”

  “Thank you.”

  “And if I didn’t have other obligations, and if you weren’t about to die, I might increase the love spell to draw you in.”

  “You don’t need a love spell to hook up with me. There’s an earth mother vibe in you that makes me want to get close to nature. I think you’re hot and you don’t need the extra ingredients in the perfume to make me think that.”

  “Thank you,” she said.

  “Still, I think it’s time you told us what’s going on.”

  She drew a few more shapes inside the circle. They looked like squiggly lines. Nothing important.

  “I could tell you about my coven, the Dark Ones, ghosts, goblins, things that go bump in the night, but there’s something much more important to focus on.”

  “Our growing attraction?”

  “You stole something from me, Brett.”

  “Your heart, I hope.”

  She laughed. “Not quite, but if it’s any consolation, you’re a good kisser.” She looked at Sabrina. “Is there a problem?”

  Sabrina didn’t answer. Blood trickled from between her lips and her eyes grew wide.

  “You okay, Cheese Whiz?”

  She started shaking like a dog trying to pass a peach pit.

  Abigail smiled. “Don’t worry, Brett. I’m not a killer. But for future reference, if you see that a witch is drawing out a sigil, and she’s not on your team, you might think twice before allowing her to complete the spell.”

  I wasn’t paying as much attention to her because Sabrina tipped over sideways and her fit increased. I crawled over to Sabrina, and tried to hold her still, but she vibrated faster. Blood dripped on the floor. I wanted to do something, but my magic would destroy the entire house before I could bring it under control.

  “Sabrina?” I said. “Break free, girl. This needs to stop now.”

  Abigail kept smiling. “So her name is Sabrina. Good to know.”

  I pushed away from Sabrina and rushed at Abigail, but slammed into a force field.

  “Protected circle, moron,” she said. “You have a few things of mine, and I want them back. One is my wallet. The other is the necklace.”

  “Let Sabrina go.”

  “I’ll call you to arrange a trade later. This time, answer your phone.”

  “Let her go!”

  “You did get one thing right,” Abigail said, her smile growing more irritating. “The D was for a name. Not Dana, though. It’s for Demetrius. Abdicane brodicle Demetrius!”

  Smoke burst into the circle, obscuring my view of Abigail.

  “No!” Demetrius yelled. He shot forward into the circle. It allowed him to pass through.

  A flash damn near blinded me, and the smoke rolled out from the circle. I coughed and moved forward, no longer blocked because the power of the circle was gone.

  But as the smoke cleared, I saw that both Abigail and Demetrius were gone too.

  “What happened?” Sabrina asked, sitting up and wiping blood from her mouth.

  “We got played.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  “How could you be so goddamn stupid?” Lakesha asked.

  We sat in her backroom around her small fortune telling table, though the cards weren’t in sight. By we I mean Sabrina, Lakesha, and me. And the damn cat, too. But the cat was off in a corner licking a paw and rubbing said paw over her face. She had more important things to do than watch Lakesha dress me down.

  “It wasn’t just me,” I said. “Sabrina was there.”

  “Right,” Sabrina said. “Throw me under the bus.”

  “You’re the one who can control magic. If I’d done anything, I’d have destroyed a city block,” I said.

  “Right. If you’d wake up at a reasonable hour, I could teach you to control your magic.”

  “One in the afternoon is reasonable,” I said.

  “Both of you shut up,” Lakesha said.

  “I knew we should have made something up,” I said.

  “Honesty is the best policy,” Sabrina said.

  “Unless it gets your ass in trouble.”

  “I said, shut up,” Lakesha said.

  Sabrina and I did as she commanded.

  “Thank you,” Lakesha said and rubbed her temples. “So Regina’s inside you now?”

  I felt her trying to goad me into killing myself, so I nodded.

  “And our current best guess is that they messed up and didn’t realize Regina was a suicide?”

  Sabrina and I shrugged.

  “What did she say?”

  I moved my mouth as if I were speaking, but didn’t let any sound come out. She had told me to shut up, after all.

  “Don’t get cute with me, boy. Speak.”

  “She didn’t say much. She shoved the damn ghost inside me, and as that ghost is trying to get me to kill myself, I’d like to have Regina removed soon.”

  “I don’t know if I can do anything about that.”

  “Um, you kinda have to do something about that.”

  “We’ll worry about that in a bit. What does Abigail want?”

  “She wants the jewel and her wallet.”

  Lakesha nodded. “Of course she wants her wallet.”

  “I should charge up her credit cards. Serve her right for trying to kill me.”

  “Let’s focus on the necklace. They stole it for a reason.”

  “Because it’s worth a lot of money?”

  “Abigail could have taken more jewelry. She took that one necklace in particular.”

  “Why not just buy it?”

  “The price tag was upwards of ten grand. Speaking of which, you should return it.”

  “When this is over.”

  Lakesha shook her head. She pushed herself to her feet, went through the tapestry, and returned
with an iPad. She set it down, pressed the button, and signed in. A webpage lit up on the screen with a picture of a black jewel, only it wasn’t as nice as the one I’d taken.

  “Black onyx,” she said.

  “Our jewel looks like it has an eye in the center, though.”

  “Hence the name, Eye of the Tiger.”

  “Maybe the guy who owns the jewelry store is a big Rocky III fan.” I broke into my best Mr. T. “I pity the fool who takes my jewel. I’m gonna bust you up.”

  “Pop quiz, Brat. What is black onyx?”

  “A rock.”

  Lakesha rolled her eyes. “What’s it used for?”

  “Right now it’s hanging on my bedroom door, so it’s a decoration.”

  “In magic, dumbass.”

  Sabrina raised her hand.

  “I know you know,” Lakesha said. “I want to know if Brat knows.”

  I gave up on correcting her, hoping she’d get tired of mangling my name in a few years. “I’ll take the shortstop in Who’s on First? for a thousand, Alex.”

  “You’re going to give a darn.”

  “Just tell me in six words or less.”

  “Protection against magic and curses.”

  “See? That wasn’t so hard?”

  “Also good to reduce sexual impulses.”

  “Why would anyone want to do that?”

  She smacked my arm. “They need the jewel for protection, obviously. But why abduct ghosts?”

  “To kill people?”

  “From what you said, they didn’t know Regina was a suicide. Taking her and throwing her into a normal man made him kill himself.”

  “Looked like he fell to me,” I said.

  Lakesha shook her head. “I watched the recording a few times. I think he intentionally went over the rail. Regina wanted to die, so anyone who tries to take her inside is going to want to die.”

  I remembered how easy it was for me to slip a noose around my neck. “The initial impact is sure tough to fight if you don’t know it’s coming.”

  “And it must grow if you’re not successful. How are you feeling now?”

  “Like it’s nap time. Regular nap. Not dirt nap.”

  “You don’t feel her trying to compel you to kill yourself?”

  “Sure, but suicide takes effort. I’m far too lazy for that.”

  “Keep me apprised of the situation. If she starts pushing harder, I need to know.”