by Penny Jordan
‘If you let me get inside the door I’ll tell you.’ She had changed, Sienna acknowledged as she saw his brief frown. Before Rob had always been her adored and rather worshipped older brother, now he was someone she still loved but expected to meet on equal ground. ‘What’s all this about Stefanides? Is it true that you’re married?’
‘Yes. We’re married, but it didn’t work out.’
‘You came to that decision pretty quickly, didn’t you?’ Rob’s voice was dry, and Sienna knew she wasn’t going to be allowed to get away with an abbreviated story. On the way home she had decided to tell Rob the truth. If she lied to him now she would have to go on lying, and she would make him see that the entire episode was over and that she wanted it forgotten, that revenge or retaliation were completely unnecessary.
She asked him to pour her a drink and saw his eyebrows lift again. She rarely drank, and never at home, but he poured her a measure of whisky and topped it up with water, handing the glass to her and then pouring another measure for himself.
‘Right, I want to hear all about it, and I mean all, Sienna,’ he told her curtly, ‘Gill’s told me that you met Stefanides at her office, and yet that night at the Savoy both of you behaved as though you’d never set eyes on one another before. Why?’
She could have told him that they had had a quarrel, she could have made up several small lies which would have covered the situation, but instead she told him the truth, starting at the beginning and telling the story with simple honesty, not trying to varnish any of the facts.
‘No, Rob,’ she said, shaking her head, and touching his arm restrainingly, when she had described what happened at the cottage, and she could see the anger burning up inside him. ‘The blame wasn’t Alexis’ alone. I wanted him to make love to me. I should have been mature enough to see that a man like him wouldn’t fall instantly in love with an immature fool like me. Perhaps deep down inside I did suspect it, but I wouldn’t allow myself to listen to my suspicions. Of course, when he found out the truth, he was stunned.’
‘I’m sure he was,’ Rob agreed tightly. ‘God, the bastard! When I think…’
‘Well, don’t. It’s over, Rob, and it would have been over even sooner if Alexis hadn’t decided to play knight errant and marry me after my accident.’
‘Yes,’ Rob frowned, ‘that’s something I can’t understand. Why should he marry you?’
‘He wanted to make amends, or at least that’s what he said to me. He felt his “honour” demanded it. And then there was the possibility that I might be carrying his child.’
‘But why marry you? He could simply have bought you off—that’s the way rich men’s minds normally work. And to make love to you in the first place…. He must have wanted you, Sienna.’
‘Must he?’
‘Yes, I think so.’ Rob glanced at her speculatively. ‘And you—how do you feel now?’
‘I…’
‘The truth. Let’s have the truth between us at least.’
‘I love him,’ Sienna admitted simply, ‘but I couldn’t live with him as his wife, having his children, knowing that all he felt for me was a combination of guilt and physical desire—the same physical desire he could presumably have felt for any halfway attractive female who crossed his path.’
‘There’s something here that doesn’t add up,’ muttered Rob. ‘I can’t work out what it is, but it just doesn’t make sense. What do you plan to do now that you’re back?’
‘Alexis wanted to make me an allowance,’ she pulled a wry face. ‘I can’t take it, but I didn’t tell him that. I thought I might go back to the cottage. Dad’s publishers want to reissue his books, but they need bringing up to date—I think I could do that. It was something he was working on before he died. I have most of his notes.’
‘Running away?’
She grimaced again. ‘Let’s just say I need a breathing space and somewhere to hide while I lick my wounds.’
‘I wonder why he let you go, after being so insistent about marrying you in the first place?’ Rob had a reporter’s mind and would worry at the loose ends like a dog with a bone, Sienna suspected. The one thing she hadn’t told her brother was that final scene with Alexis. Her resistance, her refusal to admit that his touch did arouse her, that she did want him, had been the fuel which ignited his anger, and she was no more proud of forcing him to lose control than he was of having done so. She knew without the need for him to put it into words that he had taken her in rage and frustration, wanting to break her resistance, wanting almost to destroy her in the heat of his fury, and she could well understand why a man like Alexis would find that knowledge an unbearable burden.
‘Mmm… well, if that’s what you want to do. I have some news for you as well.’
Sienna eyed her brother. ‘Has it anything to do with Gill?’
He stared at her suspiciously, ‘And if it has?’
‘Oh, nothing,’ Sienna told him smugly. ‘It’s just that it’s high time the two of you stopped pretending. You do love her, don’t you, Rob?’
‘Yes, but I also love my job, and that was the problem. Gill made it clear to me that she wanted a husband whom she could count on to be there. I couldn’t make the sort of promises she wanted, but the problem seems to have resolved itself, at least for the time being. I’ve been commissioned to do a book comparing the world’s trouble-spots, to try and find reasons, explanations—you know the sort of thing. This trip was my last one. By the time the book is finished, no doubt I’ll be too old to go out in the field.’
‘And you’re willing to give it up?’ She was surprised, because she knew how much Rob loved his job.
‘Let’s just say I’m more willing to give up the job than I am Gill. I had a near miss this last time, and as I lay there listening to bullets whining all around me, all I could think of was Gill. I decided there and then that life’s too short to waste in quarrelling.’
‘Well, I’m pleased for you both. When’s the wedding to be?’
‘As soon as we can arrange it. I was going to write to you to tell you all this. In fact, I’d have been on my way out to Micros right now if it hadn’t been for Gill. I couldn’t believe that you’d actually married Stefanides, and then Gill told me about how the two of you first met.’ Rob looked at his sister oddly. ‘She seemed to think it was love at first sight, for both of you. She told me that you looked stunned and she could well understand why, but that Stefanides looked as though someone had just poleaxed him.’
‘Probably the relief at having found me,’ Sienna said flippantly. ‘Heavens, I’m tired! I think I’ll go to bed now, Rob. I’ll leave for home in the morning, so you needn’t worry that I’ll be hanging around to cramp your style,’ she teased, ducking to avoid the cushion he flung at her.
She was just finishing her packing when she heard the doorbell. Her first initial instinctive hope that it might be Alexis was stifled as she saw Gill’s outline through the glass.
‘Sienna! Rob’s told me everything. Oh, my poor dear, and I thought the two of you were so well matched!’
‘These things happen. Tell me about your plans for the wedding,’ Sienna demanded, changing the subject. ‘How far have you got with them?’
Gill allowed herself to be distracted and dutifully told Sienna about the fuss her mother was making, expressing her own surprise. ‘I honestly thought Ma wouldn’t mind where the ceremony took place as long as it was legal, but oh no, she wants the full bit, village wedding, reception on the lawn, church, choirboys, all the cousins as bridesmaids….’
‘And?’
Gill grimaced slightly. ‘And Rob’s siding with her—says we might as well have the photographs to show our grandchildren! But you and Alexis—is there any chance that….?’
Sienna shook her head. ‘No.’
‘But the two of you seemed so much in love.’
‘You were the one who warned me against him, remember?’ Sienna said sardonically.
‘Yes, I know, but that was only when I
thought his intentions were strictly dishonourable. I never doubted how he felt about you, it was so obvious. I’d read about “naked desire”, but the way he looked at you when he walked into my office, I was almost on the verge of feeling jealous!’
Sienna was sure that Gill was exaggerating, but she said nothing, and having extracted a promise from her to help out as much as she could with the wedding, Gill left.
An hour later Sienna herself was on her way to the Cotswolds. Mrs Mallors came across when she saw her car, and asked anxiously how she was feeling. ‘Terrible how your accident happened. It was fortunate that your young man was there to take charge. I cleaned up the cottage and locked it up as he asked, and I’ve been in a few times to dust round and keep an eye on things. You’ve got a good colour. Been away, have you?’
‘In Greece,’ Sienna told her, glad that she had had the foresight to remove Alexis’ rings from her finger, and at the same time cursing her sentimentality in putting them on the fine gold chain she wore round her neck. She could feel the weight of the gold and precious stones between her breasts. She should have sent them back to Alexis, what was the point in hanging on to them? All they would do was serve as a reminder of the past, of the agony of loving and leaving him.
She spent the next few days going through her father’s papers, sorting out his notes, and generally preparing for the task of revising his books. Most of the work had been done prior to his death, but the task was still a challenging one. She went to Cheltenham to meet her father’s publisher to discuss how best to approach the work. They had lunch together, and afterwards she strolled through the town, admiring the Regency façades and the curving terraces. Like all famous spa towns, it had an elegance that refused to fade, and she wondered with irony how many people would be admiring twentieth-century architecture in two centuries to come!
When she got back she started work, gradually finding herself becoming more and more involved in what she was doing. Time seemed to slip away, and although she knew she was using her work as an anaesthetic, working was the only way she could blot out the pain. It demanded the whole of her concentration, and if she worked long enough it was possible for her to drop into bed and fall asleep without being tormented by her memories.
She had been in the cottage just over a week when she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror one morning and frowned over what she saw. Her skin was pale, her eyes huge and dark in her triangular face.
‘What you need, my girl, is some fresh air,’ she told herself. The work was coming along quite nicely and there was no reason why she should not take some time off. The garden cried out for attention, but pulling up weeds would give her too much time to think, she needed something more demanding.
In the end she settled for what had once been a favourite walk. It involved a long haul up a steepish hill, but the benefits once the top was gained were worthwhile. She sat in the lee of the hillside gazing at the panorama spread below her, her skin caressed by the July sun.
The wind changed, blowing up clouds, and she decided regretfully that it was time to leave. She had just gained the top of the village street when she saw the car. It was parked outside the cottage, black and slightly sinister—an expensive car, and not one she recognised, and her heartbeat quickened in time to her footsteps, a soft flush warming her skin. Alexis! Had he come to find her, to…? She hesitated outside the front door, shivering a little as she tried to come to terms with her feelings. Would she have the strength to turn him away? She pushed open the door and walked into the sitting room, her face giving her away as she saw her visitor. ‘Sofia!’ she exclaimed.
Sofia was sitting down, reading a magazine, but she got up quickly when she saw Sienna. ‘Please forgive my intrusion, but your neighbour let me in. She said you would not mind.’
‘No, of course not. Would you like a cup of tea, coffee….?’
‘Coffee would be lovely.’
‘I hope you haven’t been waiting long,’ Sienna called from the kitchen. ‘I’ve been out for a walk.’
‘I arrived just after lunch. I had some difficulty discovering where you were, but your sister-in-law prevailed upon your brother to give me your address.’
That meant she couldn’t have come from Alexis. He would have known this address and would have told her how to find it. ‘You’ll have to excuse Rob, he’s feeling rather over-protective at the moment.’
‘Yes, I can understand that. What Alexis did was a terrible thing, but he is my brother and I too feel a need to… protect him….’
Sienna stiffened slightly, putting down the tray of coffee. ‘Alexis needs no protection from me,’ she assured her. ‘Had I been conscious and in full possession of my memory I would never have married him. He knew that, Sofia.’
‘Yes, I know. I have talked to him and he has told me it all. He is very ashamed, Sienna… very disturbed. He is a very proud man, and the knowledge….’
‘Please, I don’t want to talk about it. I do understand how Alexis feels, but guilt and a need to make reparation, these are not good bases for marriage.’
‘He is not well, Sienna,’ Sofia told her. ‘He is under a tremendous amount of strain. I have never seen him like this, not even when my parents were drowned. He has decided to sell off most of his companies, and he is thinking about living fulltime on Micros. I am afraid for him, can you believe that? Always he has been the stronger, the person I could turn to and rely on. Constantin tells me I should not worry. He is a marvellous husband and I love him dearly, but he does not know Alexis as I do. He needs you, Sienna. He misses you dreadfully, and I am sure it is only his pride that prevents him from asking you to go back. You love him.’ It was a statement of fact, and Sienna inclined her head in acknowledgement. ‘Surely then that is the basis you are looking for.’
‘Perhaps for some women, but I’m sure that you would not want to be married to a man who merely tolerates you, who endures you because he feels he must.’
Sofia paled, and Sienna knew her words had hit home. ‘On the night he first became my lover Alexis told me that he didn’t love me. He told me why he’d made love to me.’
‘And that is something you cannot forget or forgive,’ Sofia said softly. ‘Could it not be that he said those words to you to reinforce his purpose to himself as much as to you? Could he not have been punishing himself for… for caring about you? I know my brother, Sienna. Despite what is printed in the gossip columns he has never indulged in meaningless affairs.’
‘Of course not,’ Sienna agreed lightly, ‘and ours was not meaningless either. On the contrary, he told me how much satisfaction it gave him to know that you were avenged. Making love to me was extremely meaningful, but that meaning had nothing to do with love. If Alexis really wanted me, Sofia, do you suppose he wouldn’t find some way of telling me so?’
‘After you have rejected him?’ Sofia shook her head sadly. ‘You do not know my brother well if you think that. Perhaps I should explain to you how it was for him as a child. I only know because my mother told me. She was his second cousin, and only twelve years older than him. His father showed him no affection. He didn’t want to spoil him, he wanted him to grow up tough and strong. I remember my mother telling me that as a child Alexis had a dog whom he adored, and that this animal was knocked down and killed by a car. Alexis wept as though his heart would break—he was only seven at the time, but when his father saw him he told him to stop. No son of mine ever cries, he said to him, and Alexis was sent to his room until he had learned to behave like a true Stefanides.
‘Alexis loved our father, but there was never affection between them. I never once saw my father reach out and embrace him in the way that Greek fathers do their children. He rejected Alexis, Sienna, just as you have rejected him.’
Sofia left shortly afterwards and Sienna watched her go in sadness. In other circumstances they could have been friends, but she could not explain to his sister exactly why Alexis would not want her back.
CHAPTER TEN
> ‘THE wedding’s fixed for August, and I thought it might be a good idea if you could come up to London this week and we can chat about the arrangements. I can never remember all I want to say on the phone. Can you come?’
‘I don’t see why not.’ Gill had rung up just as Sienna finished her breakfast and she glanced at the small calendar on the wall as she spoke. ‘Any day will suit me.’
‘How about tomorrow, then, I’m pretty clear then. Stay overnight and we’ll all go out.’
After she had hung up Sienna stared out of the kitchen window. It was three days since she had received her visit from Sofia, and there hadn’t been a single hour in any of them when she hadn’t thought about Alexis. Seeing Sofia had reactivated all the old wounds. She lay in bed at night, aching to feel him beside her. There had been no correspondence between them, and Sienna wondered when he intended to start proceedings for divorce. They had agreed on Micros that the sooner it was all over the better. Perhaps she ought to try and see a solicitor when she was in London. It seemed ironic that she should be planning her divorce while her brother was planning his wedding.
She reached London shortly after ten in the morning and went directly to Gill’s office. Gill beamed when she saw her and offered her a cup of coffee. ‘Ten minutes and then I’ll be ready. I want you to come with me and help me buy my dress. I’ve earmarked a couple, but I can’t make the final decision. We’ve decided to go for the whole bit,’ she added pulling a face, ‘and Ma’s over the moon! You’ve lost weight.’ She eyed Sienna and frowned, but fortunately the phone rang before she could make any comment.
They spent the rest of the morning shopping. Sienna opted for her second choice of dress. Full-length and made of pale apricot chiffon, it suited Gill’s olive skin colouring and dark hair.
‘I thought a hat to go with it,’ Gill said uncertainly. ‘What do you think?’
They found one by Frederick Fox in a toning apricot, and Sienna allowed herself to be persuaded into one in pale cream to go with the suit she had decided to wear.