“Kids, dear,” Lydia said like I was slow. Beside me Lisa was nodding.
“Um, well,” I said, looking over at Ryan. “We haven’t really talked about it, but kids might not be in the near future.”
I figured it was the best I could do. If I were to let her know that after spending two hours with her darling grandchildren I was considering sterilization, she probably would have been offended. Besides, it wasn’t like there would even a wedding in the near future if I had any say in the matter, let alone children. Next June was way too soon.
“Ryan,” Lydia said. “I thought you wanted a big family.”
Something told me there were a few conversations that Ryan and I should have had before deciding to get married.
“Sure,” he said, suddenly stuffing his mouth full of chicken.
I glared at him. We would definitely be discussing this further when we were alone.
“Don’t do it, dude,” John muttered then, and I couldn’t agree with his sentiments more.
John was my age and the recent black sheep of the family. He’d graduated from Yale in three years and instead of going on to get his law degree as originally planned, he’d hopped on a plane and started living the life of a rich, slightly spoiled nomad. He had been living off his trust fund for the past few years. Most of the time I’d been dating Ryan, John had been globe-trotting and sleeping his way through Europe and Asia. He’d just gotten back the week before and had been crashing with his parents before deciding what was next. Over drinks I’d heard him telling Ryan about some company he was going to invest in. It sounded shady to me, but I kept my mouth shut.
“I’m only twenty-four,” I eeked out, suddenly wishing I would have kept that comment to myself.
“Amen to that,” John said, a little louder this time, earning him a warning look from his mother.
“You’ll be twenty-five when you get married,” Lisa rationalized, as she rubbed her protruding stomach. “I had Maddie when I was twenty-five. You have to start early if you want a big family, because you shouldn’t get pregnant after thirty-five. It can be really bad for the baby, so you only have a short window of time.”
Why did I feel like I was suddenly at the gynecologist’s office? Never once in the two years I’d known them had I discussed having kids with these people, and now all of a sudden I was going to have a big family? Ryan and I were going to have a serious talk later.
“So,” John said then. “What about the bachelor party.”
I could have kissed him in that moment since the conversation suddenly shifted to Vegas with James and Charles finally joining in. But my relief was short-lived since Lisa cut him off, asking her mother about the engagement party. At that point, they proceeded to just talk around me, planning a huge blowout for 300 of their closest friends, as I leaned back in my chair, gritted my teeth and kept my mouth shut.
I didn’t speak to Ryan the whole way home. He must have known I was mad at him because he let us drive in silence. It wasn’t until he dropped me off and tried to come up that I said something. When he parked in front of my building, I got out of the car and started walking swiftly to the front doors. I heard him get out, his footsteps quick as he tried to catch up to me. Halfway there, I turned around to face him, my arms folded across my chest.
“You’re mad,” he said.
“Furious is more like it,” I growled.
I turned and continued to stomp into my building. I could hear Ryan behind me, taking bigger steps to keep up with me. Once we got into the elevator, I spun around and glared at him. I didn’t have much else to say to him, and glaring felt therapeutic.
“I’ll tell my mom and Lisa to back off,” he said. “I know they can be really intense.”
My eyebrows shot up into my head. “Intense? Um, let’s try over-bearing, nosy, pushy and completely out of line!”
“Hey now,” he said, as the elevator doors pinged open on my floor. “They were just being helpful. I think they just got a little carried away is all”
I took deep breaths as I jammed my key into the lock on my front door.
“Ryan, do you know that the idea of marriage terrifies me?” I asked, not caring how much I told him at that point. He’d crossed a huge line, and he needed to hear the truth.
“What?”
Gryffin ran up to us in that moment, so I grabbed his leash, hooked him up and headed back downstairs. Maybe walking would clear my head.
“Courtney, what does that mean?” Ryan asked, and I could hear the panic in his voice, as he we rode back down in the elevator.
I sighed audibly. “Marriage freaks me out. I’m not ready for it.”
“But you said yes when I asked,” he said, and I could hear hurt mixed in with the confusion.
As the doors opened, I lurched forward. Gryffin ran ahead, excited for the chance to get out of the apartment. Ryan kept pace next to me, and I could tell he was anxiously awaiting what I would say next. In that moment, I should have told him the whole truth, but I chickened out.
“Ryan, I want to marry you,” I said, as we crossed the foot bridge over to the Esplanade, Gryffin leading the way. “I just don’t want to get married any time soon.”
“Okay,” Ryan said then, relaxing a little, and I could tell he still wasn’t following my train of thought.
“I would really, really like to wait,” I said.
“So next June is too soon?” he asked, finally connecting some of the dots.
I nodded.
“Do you want to push it back six months or something? I don’t understand.”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Can we just not pick a date yet? Can we just be engaged and that’s all? I don’t want the parties and the pressure. I’m starting a new job, I’m living in a new city, and we’re finally in the same place. There’s a lot of good stuff in my life. I just want to enjoy it for a while.”
Ryan took Gryffin’s leash from me and put my hand in his.
“Sure,” he said, and part of me thought he wanted to say more, but he held back.
I didn’t press the issue. I knew we’d just side-stepped a huge fight, and I didn’t want to ruffle things any further. The kid issue could be tabled for another day.
“I’ll tell my mom to hold off on the party,” he said.
“Thank you,” I said, as we stopped so Gryffin could do his business.
I was still tense, and I think Ryan could tell. With his one free hand, he looped his arm around my waist and pulled me back against his chest.
“I love you,” he said. “At the end of the day, that’s all that matters. If you want to wait, we can wait. As long as I get to be with you, I don’t care about anything else.”
I turned around in his arms and looked up at him.
“I love you too,” I said, softening slightly.
He leaned down and kissed me, pulling me to him, as Gryffin scampered over and jumped up and down on our feet. I broke the kiss and leaned down to pick Gryffin up.
“Did you want some attention too, Gryffin,” I asked, as I scratched behind his ears. He barked once before I set him back down.
With Ryan holding his leash, Gryffin led us back to my building, running on his tiny legs. Ryan took my hand as we followed dutifully behind him. For the time being, it seemed that everything was going to be okay.
Seven
“I hate that you’re going out of town,” I said, as I sat on Ryan’s bed watching him pack. He was going to San Francisco for three days and wouldn’t be back until Saturday afternoon.
“I’ll be back before you know it,” he said from inside his closet. He was pulling out the suits and shoes he would need for his business meetings and after work schmoozing with clients.
“I just don’t understand why they’re sending you all the way out there when there are people in that office who can meet with these clients. And, over a weekend! What is that all about?”
I understood the reasons completely. Apparently Ryan was so fabulous that he was in
high demand. He was flying out to San Francisco to meet with a client and plan out something financial. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what it was that he did, but he was some kind of a wunderkind at his company. He had tried to explain his job a few times, but I never fully got it.
“I told you,” he said. “They requested me. Well, me and Melinda, but it’s a great opportunity to make a name for myself. These guys are doing really well, so they want us to help them expand their business to New York and Boston.”
I frowned a little, but not enough for him to see. I didn’t like Melinda. She had been hired at the same time as Ryan and was one of those aggressive girls who would step on, or sleep with, anyone to get to the top. They had become friends, and I had finally gotten to meet her at the company Christmas party. She was a tiny, wispy thing with almost black hair that hung straight down her back. She was only 5’1”, and had one of those raspy voices that always made her sound like she was getting over a cold. At first I thought she was, but then I’d met her two other times and her voice was the same. I wasn’t fond of her, but Ryan liked her, so I made an effort.
I pouted. “Fine, I guess they can have you, but for no longer than three days. Got it?”
He turned around and saluted me. “Got it.”
I rolled over on my back and looked up at the ceiling. “I guess it won’t be too boring, I have meetings all week and the party at Patrick’s house on Friday night.”
“That should be fun.”
Patrick was having a party to kick off the summer. It was starting out as an after work barbeque, but he was planning for it to go all night. Summer, Kate and I were going together.
“Yeah, I’m excited for it. It’ll give me a chance to meet some new people.”
Truthfully, I was nervous about going. I knew Beckett would be there. I hadn’t shared with Ryan that I’d run into him since I wasn’t sure how to bring it up without leading on that our chance meeting had rattled me as much as it had.
“Don’t have too much fun without me,” Ryan said, kissing me on the forehead before heading into the bathroom to gather up his toiletries.
“I won’t,” I called back.
***
“We just got another wedding,” I shouted to Kate from my office.
“Yours?” she shouted back from our small office kitchen.
“Ha, ha,” I said.
My experience at the Carson’s had become a living joke with Kate. She’d grown up in the same world as Ryan, so she knew how those people could be. Thankfully she was nothing like Lisa and Lydia.
“It’s for Kendall Parsons and Stuart Newman of Framingham. They’re getting married in December, so it’s a fast one. I’m meeting with Kendall next week to talk through the details. Apparently she’s a fan of my blog and followed the link I put up to our site,” I said, loving that I could help drum up some business. It made me feel like I was really contributing.
“Cool,” Kate said as she stirred creamer into her coffee. “Thanks for the putting that up.”
“Don’t mention it,” I said, leaning back in my chair.
It was four o’clock on Friday, and we were just about to call it quits, so I wasn’t sure why Kate was making coffee. She sauntered into my office with her cup.
“J. Crew guy called me,” she said, sitting down in one of my guest chairs.
“Really,” I said, leaning forward, putting my elbows on my desk.
“I invited him to the party. Do you think that’s bad?”
Yes! I wanted to say, but I didn’t. She seemed nervous enough. I wasn’t sure coffee was the best idea.
“No, it’ll be fine. He can meet all of your friends.”
She took another gulp of coffee. “I didn’t think about that. Maybe I should have let him take me out for real when he asked. This is a bad idea.”
“Kate, it’s fine,” I said. “I’ll be your buffer, so it doesn’t get weird. Besides, you can always go to the party and then suggest dinner after an hour or so.”
“Yeah, I guess I could do that,” she said pondering the idea. “Either way, he’s picking me up, so I’m not going to meet you and Summer at your apartment.”
“Traitor,” I said.
“Bite me,” she said, as she got up from my chair and walked back to her own office.
***
“I’m nervous,” I said, as I stood in front of my closet trying to decide what to wear to Patrick’s party that night.
“Don’t be. It’ll be fine,” Summer said, and I wondered if she was pacifying me like I’d pacified Kate.
“I don’t want to see him.”
“I know, but it’s inevitable, so you’ll just have to get over it.”
I pulled out a white skirt and held it at arm’s length. Summer shook her head when she saw it, so I put it back.
“You promise you won’t leave my side,” I said, pulling on my new J. Brand boot cut jeans and a flowered strapless top.
“I promise,” she said, as I walked over to the mirror to touch up my make-up. “He’s not a bad guy, you know.”
I looked at her reflection. “I think I know him pretty well, and the other night he was a jerk.” She started to say something, so I held my hand up in protest. “I get it. I probably deserved it. You don’t need to say it again, but for the record, he broke up with me.”
“Fine,” Summer said, letting it go.
Half an hour later, we were out the door, walking to the Mass General T Station. We had to run up the last few steps, as the train arrived right when our heads cleared the platform. We made it inside just in time and collapsed into two empty seats as the train lurched forward. My stomach started to flutter as soon as the train took off, reminding me of the impending doom that was waiting for me. A part of me wished I had Ryan with me, but another part didn’t want him and Beckett to meet.
The ride was quick, as Harvard Square was just a few stops away. I found myself wanting to turn back as we were getting off the train and taking the escalator up to street level. My heart started to pound as soon as I saw daylight. I needed a cocktail – bad.
I could hear the music coming from the backyard as we approached the house. Tugging nervously at my top and smoothing my hair, I tried to calm down as we walked up the driveway and around to the backyard. Summer pushed open the gate and revealed twenty or so people walking around with drinks in hand. The party seemed to have an island theme to it, complete with music and decor. There were string lights along the fence, tiki torches spread out around the yard and the picnic table, and the bar had been draped in grass skirts.
Patrick yelled at us from across the yard and ambled over. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a grass skirt over his shorts and was drinking out of a coconut. He seemed to already be buzzed. He picked Summer up when he saw her and kissed her. A quick scan of the party revealed that Beckett was not there yet. I breathed an instant sigh of relief and started to relax. Patrick led us over to the bar where he got us each a beer, but then someone from his office came over and asked him to settle a bet between some of the guys they worked with. He looked at Summer, and she told him to go ahead. He kissed her once before heading over to his friends.
Across the yard, I spotted Kate. I waved to her, and Summer and I walked over to say hello. She was standing with the guy from the club. She introduced him as Brett, aka J. Crew guy. We stood and talked to them for a few minutes before Summer nudged me in the ribs. I looked up in the direction her head was nodding and saw that Beckett had just walked in with two guys I didn’t recognize.
I gulped. The butterflies raced around my stomach, causing me to feel queasy. I took a swig of my beer in an effort to calm them, but it just made it worse, so I took another sip. Within a minute, I had finished the whole thing. I had a habit of drinking too much when I was nervous due to the inherent need to do something with my hands. I wanted to go to the bar to get another beer, but Beckett was on the path to that exact place, so I couldn’t get one just yet. I realized then that avoiding him all nig
ht might be harder than I thought. The backyard wasn’t that big. I found myself wondering how late Summer would want to stay.
I leaned over to her. “Would you mind getting me another drink? I don’t want to go over to the bar myself.”
She looked at the bar and saw what I meant. “Sure, no problem. I’ll be right back.”
I turned my attention back to Kate and Brett. They were holding hands. I gave Kate a look, and she just smiled. It seemed Brett was making the cut so far. I asked him what he did for a living, and he was in the middle of telling me some long story about being an employment lawyer when I started to wonder where Summer was. She’d been gone for a while, and man was Brett chatty. I didn’t want to turn around for fear of making eye contact with Beckett, so I tried to focus what Brett was saying. He was telling some anecdote about something that had happened on a case, but I had missed the beginning, so I had trouble following the story. I laughed when Kate did and nodded when I thought was appropriate.
Midway through the punch line, he stopped talking and his gaze went over my left shoulder. Kate’s did too, and if I had paid attention, her face would have given away who was standing behind me. I thought it was Summer back with my beer, so I turned around to ask her why it had taken so long. I froze when I saw Beckett standing a foot from me holding a beer out for me to take. He smiled crookedly at me, as I took the beer from him.
“Thanks,” I muttered.
“You’re welcome,” he said.
I glanced over at Summer who was still by the bar. She just shrugged.
“Hi Kate,” Beckett said then. “Good to see you.”
“Hey Beckett,” she said stiffly, and I could have hugged her in that moment.
“Okay, I see I’m still public enemy number one with some of your friends. Good to know,” he said, turning to face me.
Kate proceeded to stare at Beckett with a look of disgust on her face. I knew she wanted to lash out at him, but she was holding back because of Brett who was now staring at her questioningly. I hoped this wouldn’t ruin her chances with him.
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