“I should be out meeting girls who are available,” Beckett continued in between kisses. “But for some reason, I’m content on torturing myself with you.”
“It’s torture to be with me?” I asked quietly against his lips.
He pulled up and looked right into my eyes, staring at me for a few seconds before he said, “It’s torture not to be with you.” He continued to look into my eyes. “This feels right to me. Being here with you feels right.”
I knew just how he was feeling. No matter how many times I told myself it was wrong, nothing about what we were doing felt anything but right.
“It feels right to me, too,” I said. “Now stop talking and kiss me.”
He smiled at me. I had no idea how it would work with us or if there would even come a time when I could stomach letting him go, but I knew in that moment, he was all I wanted.
“I really should go home, huh?” he said, looking at the clock on my nightstand. “It’s after midnight.”
I sat up then, looking at him appraisingly, knowing that was the moment I could stop everything if I wanted to. “Maybe you should go,” I whispered, as I ran my hand through his hair slowly.
“Maybe I should stay,” he said, bringing his lips to mine again.
Twenty-One
“Ryan’s coming back tomorrow, right?” Beckett asked, as he played with my fingers, kissing the tip of each one.
I nodded but realized he couldn’t see me in the dark. “Today actually,” I said, looking over to see that the clock read three-thirty. It was officially July fourth.
We were lying side by side on my bed, my free hand tracing patterns on Beckett’s bare stomach. He leaned over and kissed the spot right below my collarbone before trailing kisses up my neck to my mouth. I flattened my hand on his stomach and kissed him back. We’d done so much kissing my lips were practically raw, but I didn’t care.
“So I can’t do this when I see you tomorrow?” he asked between kisses.
I shook my head. “No, you can’t.”
Had I been anyone else but me in that moment, I would have found it disturbing that I could be discussing my fiancé coming to visit while I made out with my ex-boyfriend, but somehow I was able to rationalize it. I wondered how I’d feel in the light of morning when everything we were doing would no doubt play back in my mind in vivid images.
“Is he staying with you?” Beckett asked, as he pushed himself up on his elbow.
He smoothed my hair back from my forehead and looked down at me. The moon had moved behind a cloud, and in the now dark room, I could just make out his shape – the arc of his sculpted shoulders and his toned arms.
“Yes,” I said. “He is. He sublet his condo for the summer, so he’s staying here.”
Beckett leaned down to kiss me. “Are you going to sleep with him?” he asked, his eyes searching mine for the answer.
“Beckett,” I said, not believing he asked that question, but also not sure what the answer was. Ryan and I were engaged, it wasn’t like I could tell him no. Things were starting to get a little blurry.
“Forget I asked,” he said, casting his eyes down. “I don’t want to know.”
He rolled over onto his back then and sighed. I realized in that moment that being with him wouldn’t be as easy as I originally thought. Two people were at risk at getting hurt, and I had no desire to hurt either one of them.
“You’re still coming to the party, right?” I asked.
He nodded. “Yeah, Summer’s bringing a date for me. It’s some girl who works at her store – Kelsey, I think.”
“Oh, she’s really sweet,” I said, before I realized what I was saying.
Beckett propped himself up on his elbow. “Oh yeah? Should I go for her instead?”
“Don’t you dare,” I said, as I sat up and faced him.
I leaned over to kiss him, and he smiled. “I wouldn’t dream of it,” he said, as he reached for the button on my jeans.
“Beck, I can’t,” I said. “I can’t do that with you.”
“I know,” he said. “You are just not that easy to resist.”
I kissed the tip of his nose. “You’re just going to have to try harder then,” I said. “Especially at the party. Ryan cannot know about this. He cannot have any indication that any of this happened. He already doesn’t trust you.”
“And with good reason,” Beckett said, as he trailed his hand along my stomach. “Don’t worry. I’ll be good.”
***
Fourteen hours later, my stomach was in knots as I stood in front of my mirror putting on make-up. Behind me my bed had freshly laundered sheets on it, and all traces that Beckett had been there had been removed. Ryan’s plane was due to arrive any time, and I was terrified of seeing him. How much remorse would I feel? Would he be able to tell that I’d been unfaithful? Could I bring myself to tell him that I’d cheated – that another man had been in my bed?
I cheated.
Beckett had stayed the night, holding me as we slept just like he had the night we’d spent on the couch together. We had a brief moment of panic when Summer had come home from Patrick’s around ten, but she didn’t seem to notice anything was amiss. When she was in the shower, I snuck Beckett out of the apartment.
I cheated.
Summer was my best friend, and I should want to tell her what was going on, but for some reason, I couldn’t. It was almost like if I didn’t speak of it, it never happened. I also knew I was afraid she would judge me or be mad at me for cheating, and I didn’t want to hear it. I already knew how in the wrong I was.
I cheated.
After Beckett left, and I showered to remove all traces of him from my body, Summer and I spent the day shopping for party food and decorating the apartment. Patrick came over around five with enough beer and liquor for a small army, so I set up my iPod in the living room and suddenly we were in party mode. I was so busy setting up that I didn’t realize until it was after six that Ryan should have already texted me to let me know he’d landed. Maybe he was already on his way to the apartment. My stomach started twisting again as I thought about seeing him. Would he be able to tell what I’d done?
I picked up my cell phone and saw that it was dead. In all the excitement of the night before, I’d forgotten to plug it in and it had died during the day. Irritated, I located my charger and jammed it into the phone. I waited impatiently for the home screen to appear, and when it did, I saw I had several missed calls and texts.
Ryan’s flight was delayed. There was fog in San Francisco. They’d pushed his flight back four hours. I sighed out loud as I realized that this would have him landing around ten. He was going to miss the fireworks. I sighed audibly, and my breath came out shaky. My nerves were shot. I was so terrified of what would happen when I saw him and now I had to wait three more hours. It was killing me. I decided to poor myself a drink to calm my nerves. As I sipped a vodka tonic, I changed into a red halter top, dress denim shorts and wedges. I was just finishing my eye make-up when there was a knock on my door.
“Come in,” I said.
Beckett walked in, a shit-eating grin on his face. “I heard Ryan wasn’t here yet,” he said as he closed the door behind him.
I shook my head, trying to hide my agitation. “No, his flight’s delayed.”
“Good,” he said, closing my door behind him and walking over to me.
From the corner of my room, Gryffin barked at him, so Beckett stopped to give him some love before walking over to me. He threaded his arms around my waist from behind and leaned down to kiss my neck. His actions caused stirrings in places that didn’t need to be stirred. They’d been stirred enough the night before.
“Hi,” he said, as he looked over my shoulder at our reflection in the mirror. “I like this picture.”
I smiled at him, but it was slightly strained. I was too nervous. I couldn’t stand there and play make-believe with him. I watched his face, taking in how happy he looked and wondered how much longer his face would reflec
t that kind of happiness.
Ryan was on his way back, and some part of me knew that as soon as I saw him I would remember how much I loved him. I knew in my heart that I would choose him over Beckett, because at the end of the day, Ryan had never hurt me. He’d never left me.
I watched as Beckett’s gaze shifted and his face fell. “You’re wearing your ring,” he said, as he stepped back from me, and I knew the reality of the situation was biting him in the ass.
I turned to face him but didn’t say anything first. “Yes,” I finally said as he backed away from me toward the door.
“Sorry,” he said. “It just threw me for a second. I have to keep reminding myself that you’re engaged to someone else. Sorry.” He looked hurt as he put his hand on the doorknob and turned it.
“Beck, don’t go,” I said, pleading with him with my eyes.
“No, Court, I get it. I do. I told you I knew what I was getting into. I’ll just leave you alone tonight. I’ll go hang out with Kelsey. You said she’s sweet, so I should give her a chance. Have fun with your fiancé.”
With that, he was gone, and I felt like shit for the first time that night. When I emerged from my room a few minutes later, Patrick met me in the kitchen with a beer.
“Happy Fourth of July,” he said, touching his bottle to mine.
“Is the Fourth of July really a toasting holiday,” I asked.
Patrick just grinned at me. “Sure, why not,” he said, taking a big swig of his beer.
Friends began arriving at a rapid pace after that, so I let go of my relationship angst and tried to have fun. The apartment was crowded and loud as people talked and laughed over the music that was pumping from the living room stereo. Everyone seemed to be having a fun.
I kept a close watch on Beckett that night, but he never even looked in my direction. I noticed him talking and smiling with Kelsey a lot, and I couldn’t say that I enjoyed it. Then I tried to put myself in his shoes and felt like shit again.
Just before nine, Ryan called to say he had landed in New York. I knew he still had another hour to go, so I told him I couldn’t wait to see him. That’s when he dropped the bomb on me that he wasn’t coming. While he’d been in the air, his office had called him. There was an emergency, and he had to go back and handle it. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach, and I wondered if this was my punishment for being unfaithful to him. I sat down on my bed and tried to calm down. I was furious with him in that moment.
“Fine,” I said to him, and I knew I was being cold.
“Court, please don’t be mad,” he said. “It’s work. You have to understand.”
I took a deep breath and tried to steady my voice. “It’s always work, Ryan,” I said calmly. “Last summer when we had to cancel our vacation to Key West it was because you had a last minute project that got assigned to you. And over Thanksgiving when you were supposed to have dinner with my family, you cancelled at the last minute because your boss needed you to drive out to The Cape to deliver some papers. Then in January when you couldn’t make it out to Amherst for my birthday, it was because you were in New York for a conference.”
Ryan sucked in a breath. “Courtney, don’t,” he said, and I could hear the agitation in his voice. “Don’t start. You know I’m trying to move up, make a name for myself. If I’m not one hundred percent available someone else will be. You know how important this promotion is to me.”
“I guess you have to ask yourself what you’re willing to sacrifice for that promotion, Ryan. Why don’t you think about that on your way back to San Francisco,” I said, before I hung up on him.
I dropped my phone on my bed before going out to rejoin the party. I saw it light up as I was leaving my room knowing it was Ryan calling back, but I just ignored it as I shut the door behind me. As soon as I stepped out of my room I realized I was shaking, so I turned around and went back in knowing I needed a minute before I could mingle with people again. Leaning against my dresser, I took a few deep breaths in an effort to calm down. I shook out my hands and took a hard look at myself in the mirror. Ryan’s ring caught the light and threw it around the room. I ran my hand threw my hair, fighting back the tears that wanted to fall. I took in rattled breaths, as I worked to keep the tears at bay. I would not cry. I was too pissed off. I would not cry over him.
A knock on the door caught me off-guard, and I jumped.
“Just a second,” I said thinking it was probably Summer wanting me to go downstairs to watch the fireworks from the Esplanade with everyone else.
“It’s me,” the voice said, and I was surprised to hear it was Beckett.
“Come in,” I said.
He opened the door slowly, closing it behind him, but he didn’t come into the room. He stayed by the door, his hand on the knob. “You okay?” he asked.
I nodded my head, but when I did that, the tears pricked the back of my eyes, and I couldn’t hold back anymore. The instant Beckett saw me start to cry he crossed the room and put his arms around me, holding me tight. My hands splayed over his chest and the tears flowed down my cheeks and onto his shirt.
“Shh,” he said, as he rubbed my back. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
He didn’t even know what was wrong. How could he know everything would be okay? The idea that he was the one who had caught me when I was falling struck me as odd, but it also made me not want him to leave. I felt safe in his arms. A moment earlier I had never felt more alone, but then suddenly he was there, holding me up, telling me everything would be fine. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him to me as my tears slowly stopped. I sniffled once, and Beckett pulled back to look at me.
“What happened?” he asked.
I pulled out of his arms, wiped my hand across my nose and sat down on the edge of my bed. He sat down next to me, worry etched on his face.
“Ryan’s not coming,” I said, staring at a point on the floor as I said it. It was like I couldn’t look at Beckett when it told him. “He has to work.”
“Shit, Courtney,” he said as he put his arm around me and pulled me to him. “I’m sorry. That sucks.”
I pulled back and looked up at him. “How come you’re not gloating and happy?” I asked, fully aware that I sounded congested.
Beckett just shook his head. “Because you’re obviously upset that he’s not here. Why would it make me happy if you’re upset?”
I just looked at him, appalled that he was being so selfless.
“Regardless of what I want,” he said, “what I want more if for you to be happy. So if being with Ryan makes you happy, then that’s what I want for you.”
“Oh, my God. You’re an idiot,” I said, and he just laughed.
“I prefer glutton for punishment if it’s all the same with you.”
At that moment there was a loud crashing sound overhead that made both of us look up at the ceiling. It took me a minute to realize that the fireworks were starting.
“Come on,” he said, standing up and reaching his hand out to take mine.
I shook my head. “I don’t want to go downstairs,” I said.
“We don’t have to,” he said, as he tugged me to a standing position.
Without a word, he guided me out to the sun porch where we had a clear view of the fireworks bursting over the Charles River. With all the windows open, we could hear the Boston Pops playing in the distance. Beckett stood behind me, his arms around my waist, holding onto me as we stood there watching the night explode above us.
“Thank you,” I said, turning around a little so I could talk to him. “You’re a good friend.”
“I know,” he said, as he tightened his hold around me. I leaned back against his chest, resting against him.
“Beckett, I–,” I started to say, but he stopped me.
“Shh,” he said. “You don’t need to say anything. Just watch the fireworks.”
Twenty-Two
Beckett stayed with me the whole night, much to the dismay of Kelsey who finally gave up an
d started flirting with some of Patrick’s friends. By the time the fireworks were over and our guests started to trickle back upstairs, I had calmed down. I was still pissed at Ryan, but I was able to still have a good time. I attributed this mostly to Beckett who sat with me on the sun porch the whole night talking to me and making me laugh. At the end of the night, we were the last two people up. When I decided I was tired and wanted to go to bed, he followed me into my room.
Without question, I let him crawl into bed with me. He fell asleep next to me, his hand holding mine, and with the comfort that I wasn’t alone, I was soon able to drift off to sleep. My last thought was that at no point during the night, even when no one else was around did he try to kiss me. He was just being who he’d always been – my friend.
***
I woke the next morning to the smell of bacon and eggs cooking. I got up to see who was making my apartment smell so good and ran into Beckett who was standing at the stove, frying bacon and making omelets. He smiled at me when he saw me leaning against the doorway to the kitchen. I returned his smile as he passed me a cup of coffee. There were a million things I wanted to say, but I kept them all to myself as I stood there watching him do something I’d see him do a hundred times before.
“What smells so good,” Patrick said a few minutes later, walking out of Summer’s room, his hair sticking up at odd angles. Summer was right behind him looking half-asleep and just as rumpled.
“I’m making breakfast,” Beckett said, and Summer, suddenly awake shot me a questioning look.
“Did you sleep here?” Patrick asked, and I could tell he was trying to remember what his cousin had worn the day before and if he was wearing the same clothes.
“Yeah, on the couch,” Beckett said, gesturing behind him with the spatula.
As I watched Summer’s face relax, I realized our secret was safe. Patrick didn’t seem to be fazed by the fact that Beckett hadn’t gone home the night before when his apartment was just ten minutes away. He just reached over and grabbed a piece of bacon that was cooling on a plate next to the stove.
Just Watch the Fireworks Page 20