My Heart is Home

by Barbara Gee

  He grinned. “That’s a nice round number. Should be doable.”

  I smoothed my fingers down his chest. “Is number two coming up any time soon?”

  I barely got the words out before his smiling mouth came down on mine.

  ***

  When number two had come to a satisfying conclusion, JP got up to put some wood on the dwindling fire. I stretched and sat up, snuggling into his side when he returned to the couch.

  He put his arm around me and said, “Just so you know, I’m ready to make this official any time you are.”

  I closed my eyes and just breathed him in. I loved his scent. I loved his kisses. I loved being pressed up against him and hearing him say he wanted to be a couple again.

  I loved him. I’d never stopped.

  But…...I couldn’t say yes to making it official. Not yet. I couldn’t take this any further without telling JP I wasn’t the same girl who’d left four years ago. And I had no idea how he was going to react to that.

  I huddled closer, sliding my arms around his lean waist and hugging him tight, praying for courage.

  There was no easy way to confess my shame, and it seemed so much worse because he’d remained celibate the whole time. Unable to give his heart to anyone, he hadn’t given his body, either.

  I was terrified to tell him I hadn’t made the same choice. Terrified that once he knew about my year of rebellion he’d no longer want to hold me like this. That he’d change his mind about wanting to make things official.

  The trembling started deep inside my core and spread outward, until he felt it and cradled my head with his big hand. “No pressure, Myla. It’s okay if you’re not ready for that.”

  “I am ready,” I said thickly. “I’m so ready. But there’s something I have to tell you and after I do, you might change your own mind about it.”

  His arm tightened. “I doubt that. I want everyone to know we’re together.”

  I exhaled and it came out as more of a sob. There was no turning back now and I was so, so scared.

  “Hey,” he said softly. “You don’t have to be afraid to tell me anything. We’re done avoiding the hard stuff, okay? We’ll talk about it and we’ll deal with it, then we’ll move on. Together.”

  I still didn’t respond, because in spite of his assurances I wasn’t convinced he’d be able to deal with what I had to confess.

  He dropped a kiss on the top of my head. “I don’t want to be melodramatic, Myla, but this week has felt like a miracle to me. It killed me to know you thought I didn’t value what we had the same way you did. When I got back from Arizona the second time I hit a low point and started to shut everyone out. I didn’t want to tell them what happened because I was so ashamed. I kept going to work and doing normal things, but my heart wasn’t in any of it. When I got an email from an old friend about joining the bridge project, I knew I had to do it.”

  “And it was what you needed?” I asked.

  “In more ways than one. It was good for me to get totally away from all the memories and do good work, and it turns out the friend who asked me to go had recently given his life to Christ. We worked on bridges during the day and had long talks at night. He was still a new Christian, so he wanted to talk about all the things he was studying and learning. I guess I started learning right along with him, and it led to me committing my own life to God. It wasn’t an instant cure, but I finally got to the point where I could live with the guilt and regret.” He pressed his lips to my head again, his hand stroking my upper arm. “I gradually started to enjoy life again, but there wasn’t a day I didn’t wish you were still mine.”

  I pushed my face into his chest and let my tears wet his shirt. What a horrible waste all these years had been. We’d loved each other to distraction, yet we allowed ourselves to be torn apart. It could have been so different. We could have been together all this time…..if only.

  I clung to him, still shaking. I knew God had forgiven me for the things I’d done, but could JP?

  “I don’t want to hide anything from you,” I finally managed to get out. “No secrets.”

  “Myla, just tell me.” He put his hands on my shoulders and gently peeled me off him. “Whatever it is, tell me, and then I’ll tell you it’s not a big deal, and then you can stop crying.”

  “It is a big deal,” I said, wiping my eyes.

  “But not a deal breaker,” he insisted. “We won’t let it be.” He framed my face with his hands, thumbing away the tears. “Talk to me.”

  I nodded and hooked my hands over his forearms, forcing myself to meet his steady gaze even though it was one of the hardest things I’d ever done.

  “I’m not who you think I am. Not anymore. I didn’t make the same choice as you.”

  “What choice?” he asked, his brows dipping into a slight frown.

  I pushed a little farther away and dropped my eyes to my lap. “You said you haven’t had any relationships since me. Not even any flings.”

  He cleared his throat. “That’s true, but I already know you’ve had relationships, Myla. Or at least one. I saw him at the wedding, remember? Derek. I pretty much hated him.”

  I gave a humorless laugh. It was ironic. Derek had been my only half-way serious relationship in that whole time, yet I hadn’t slept with him—only with men who didn’t matter.

  I twisted my hands together as my stomach churned. “I didn’t sleep with him,” I murmured.

  JP gave a low chuckle. “No surprise there. You’re waiting for marriage and no one is going to change your mind. I heard that often enough before I gave up trying.” He rubbed the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly. “Sorry about that, by the way. I tried longer than I should have.”

  He was trying to help, but now I felt worse than ever.

  “I didn’t sleep with Derek, but the first year I was gone—” I closed my eyes, feeling nauseous. How was I going to tell him this?

  I stood up quickly and walked over to the fire, holding my hands out toward the flames. I was freezing, but the cold came from the inside, where the heat of the fire couldn’t touch.

  Shivering, I pressed on. “That first year after I left I rebelled against everything. All I wanted to do was forget. I didn’t want to be me anymore. Didn’t want to be—” I broke off, not knowing how to describe it.

  He finished the thought. “The girl who got cheated on.”

  “Yeah, but it was more than that. I was the girl who’d lost the love of her life, run from everything she knew, and cried herself to sleep every night.” I wrapped my arms around myself and kept my back to him. “You said you withdrew from people, but I did the opposite. I couldn’t stand to be by myself because it gave me too much time to think. I was desperate to forget and I did a lot of extreme things. Things very different from what Myla Garret of Hidden Creek would do.”

  He was silent, waiting for me to continue.

  I blurted it out all at once. “I partied all weekend every weekend, and I slept with a bunch of different guys. Ten at least, maybe even a dozen. I’d go to parties and get drunk, and if I needed more than that to push away the pain, I’d go home with whoever caught my eye or was the most persistent. Sometimes I’d even keep seeing them for a while, but never for long because I didn’t care about them in the least. I didn’t want to care. I just used them to forget.” I let out a shaky breath and nervously rubbed my upper arms. “I was that girl, JP. The party girl. The easy mark. I hated it but I kept doing it because it was the distraction I needed to get through that time.”

  He stayed silent and after a long, nerve-wracking moment I turned slowly around to face him. He was still seated on the couch, hunched over with his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

  His head shot up. “You’re sorry?” he asked, his expression tortured.

  “Yes,” I said on a miserable sigh. “Sorrier than you can imagine. I didn’t want to tell you now because everything has been so perfect, but I can’t hol
d on to it. I don’t want to have secrets right from the beginning.”

  His expression was bleak. “But it’s my fault, Myla. You fell into that lifestyle because of what I did. I drove you away and I drove you to do that. I’m the one who should be apologizing.”

  I frowned. “What? No! It wasn’t your fault, JP. I’m an adult. I’m responsible for my own stupid decisions.”

  “Which you made because I slept with Haley.”

  “And because I was too stubborn and proud to try to fix things.” I looked down at the floor, scuffing my toe across the shiny wood. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter who can claim the most blame. The point is, it happened and you need to know it.” I swallowed, my throat aching with too much emotion. “And you need to decide if it’s something you can forgive.”

  He was staring into the fire, his jaw clenched. I lowered myself to sit on the hearth, on the end farthest away from him. When he didn’t respond, I nervously told him more.

  “After that awful year I changed my ways. I got deployed, and it forced me to finally crawl out of my own head and acknowledge that there was a whole world going on out there that didn’t revolve around poor little heartbroken Myla Garret. Better yet, I had something to contribute to it. After that I was able to find whatever distraction I needed in my work. Not with guys.”

  JP scratched the top of his head, agitated, then stood and paced to the window at the end of the room.

  “I pulled away from God, too,” I admitted, figuring I might as well put it all out there. “Which I guess is obvious considering the way I was living, but even after I shaped up I didn’t fix that. I never once went to church. I carried so much guilt and I was just so mixed up. I’m sorry to say it took coming back here to change that part. It sounds cheesy but being in Hidden Creek helped me remember who I was, and I’m finally ready to be her again—after all those years of running. And that means finding my way back to God. I know He never pulled away from me, the distance came from my end and He’s been waiting for me to realize I need to fix that. Which I’m working on.”

  JP turned, arms folded across his chest, his expression dark and pained. “I’m sorry you suffered like that,” he said softly, “and that you were alone.”

  I swallowed back the sob building in my chest. “I’m sorry I can’t go back and make better choices. I’d change it all if I could.”

  He let his head fall back on a low groan. “Ah, Myla, how could we love each other that much and hurt each other that bad?”

  I shrugged sadly. “Maybe because we didn’t fully trust that the love was real. I mean, we fell so fast, and I admit there were times I was convinced it was too good to be true.”

  "And now?” he asked. “Looking back….was it real?”

  I didn’t even have to think about my answer. “It was. I found that out the hard way, when I couldn’t get over you.” I took a breath and licked my lips nervously. “The new question is, can we get past the hurt?” Our eyes met and I forced myself to ask, “More specifically, can you get past what I did?”

  I saw his chest rise and fall on a long breath. “I hate it,” he said, his voice raw. “I hate it for you and I hate it for me. I hate that you felt the only way to move past the pain was to compromise your principles.”

  Two tears slid down my cheeks but I didn’t wipe them away. He was being honest with me, and in turn, I didn’t want to hide my feelings from him.

  “But can I get past it?” he asked more softly. “Yes, Myla. I can. Neither of us is the same as we were before, and yet….you’re here. You’re back, and for the first time in four years I feel complete. You’re the only person who gives me that sense and I don’t want to lose it again. I don’t want to lose you. Especially not over mistakes made years ago.”

  His words pierced through my fear and for the second time in as many days I felt an enormous burden release itself. This last week had seemed like a miracle and I’d welcomed the closeness developing between JP and me, but I’d tempered my expectations because of the past I knew I had to confess. Now, with the words he’d just spoken, I realized my hopes for us no longer depended on me being perfect in his eyes. He knew about that terrible year and he still wanted me.

  Two more tears fell and this time I wiped them away and gave him a tentative smile. “So what now?”

  His lips curved up as he came over to where I was sitting. He held out a hand and when I took it he pulled me up. We stood close but not touching, except for our hands.

  “Now we’re back to where we were five minutes ago,” he said softly. “When I told you I want to make things official.”

  I looked up at him wistfully, wanting that with all my heart. “You’re sure nothing’s changed? You still want to do this?”

  A muscle jumped in his jaw and I couldn’t look away from him. He was achingly handsome, skin golden in the firelight, navy eyes glittering as he looked at me without trying to hide what he was feeling.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more,” he answered.

  I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling like I’d finally emerged from a cold lonely place into warmth and sunlight. Returning to Hidden Creek had put me on course to regain what I’d lost, both spiritually and with JP. It was good, so good, and I was happier than I’d ever expected to be again.

  I reached for his other hand, so I was holding both. “We can make it work this time, right?”

  He tugged me closer. “Yeah. We’re older and wiser now, remember? But just so you know, if you do run again, I’m coming after you, and this time I won’t give up.”

  “I promise I’m not going to run,” I said with complete certainty. I knew what life was like without him, and I’d never willingly choose that again.

  He placed my hands on his waist and then cupped my face in his. “I promise I’m not going to give you a reason to.”

  I smiled. “Thank you for not judging me, JP. You don’t know what that means to me. I feel at least a thousand pounds lighter.”

  “I have no right to judge you, and no desire to. Not in light of what I’ve done myself.”

  I saw the truth in his eyes. He didn’t think less of me; he still wanted me. I felt like my heart might explode from too much happiness. It was as if I could feel it coming all the way back to life, even the parts I thought were cold and dead, and it was almost painful. In the best way.

  JP lowered his head and brushed his lips softly against mine. “So we’re official,” he said. It wasn’t a question.

  I grinned, slid my hands up over his chest, and wrapped my arms around his neck. “We’re official. But let’s not tell people right away. I’m not ready for all the fuss.”

  “Does that include Ava?”

  I nodded vigorously. “Especially Ava. She’ll go crazy, and I want to get used to it ourselves before we bring others in.” I ran my fingers lazily through his hair. “I have to admit, right now it still feels like a dream.”

  “Yeah, it does. Which means I’m probably going to have to call you first thing tomorrow morning to make sure it isn’t.”

  “I’d like that.” I sighed contentedly, moving my fingers to trail along his stubbled jaw. “Just a few days. Then we’ll let the world in on our secret.”

  “Deal.”

  For the first time in years everything felt right with my world. I stood on tiptoe and pressed my mouth to his. Once. Twice. Then he took my head in his hands, tilted it to just the right angle, and kissed me properly. The man had always turned me inside out with his kisses, and being out of practice hadn’t hurt his technique in the slightest. He made my knees go weak, but that was okay because I had him to hold on to.

  I held tight.

  When he finally pulled back I had to work to open my eyes. Being pressed up against JP made the world go away and it took me a bit to come back to it. When I was able to focus I saw his blue eyes boring into mine, hot and approving.

  “I always loved that look on you,” he murmured. “I still see it in my dreams.” His lips curle
d up into a satisfied smile. “The real thing is better though.”

  He wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me, walking me over to a big recliner and maneuvering us down in it together.

  “We need to figure out some kind of schedule to make sure we see each other enough,” he declared. “Living a half hour apart doesn’t seem like much, but it’s an hour of driving every time. Is that too much to do every day? Or almost every day?”

  I snuggled in beside him. “It’s better than not seeing you.”

  “Good answer,” he teased.

  I leaned my cheek against his shoulder. “I’ll come over here and make dinner on the days I don’t work. Gotta get you out of the take-out routine. Unless you’re working from the Hidden Creek office. Then you can come to my place.”

  “I get to come home to you and dinner?” he asked, sounding pleased. “In that case, I hope you don’t get much work.”

  “Hey, a girl’s gotta be able to pay her bills.”

  He put a finger under my chin and lifted my face until I was looking at him.

  “If that’s ever a problem you need to tell me.”

  I smiled. It was sweet of him to be concerned, but I wasn’t too worried. “I’m good,” I assured him. “I didn’t spend a lot when I was in the military, so my savings account is in good shape if I need to go there. But as long as I get a full-time position next fall, I’ll be fine.”

  We figured out a basic schedule for the next week. Since I was still on Christmas break I was fine with making the drive most days. With that settled, he got up to add some more wood to the fire and grab a couple bottles of water from the fridge. Then we put on a movie and relaxed, getting used to being together again.

  I was amazed at how easy it was. I guess when your heart never stops wanting someone, it never forgets how perfectly right it feels to be with them, either.

  Chapter 16

  J

  P and I spent three of the next four evenings together. We enjoyed being in our own little bubble, without the inquisitive world interfering in our newfound togetherness, but we knew it couldn’t last. On Friday, we decided it was time to let others in on the fact that we were a couple again.