I don’t know what to do. It’s not like I can talk to Estaine about this. It isn’t my place to tell him what Teagan told me. So, instead, I try to run my feelings away. Run away every thought or negative feeling. And just... do anything but think.
“Are you okay?” Sander asks.
I feel kind of bad that I’m forcing him to run with me. Not that he isn’t in shape. I’m pretty sure he could run a marathon. But still, I’m sure he has a life outside of babysitting me and I really should just be chilling in my own dorm today.
I don’t answer his question. I just keep running, because I am not okay. And if I answered his question right now, I might break down. I run as fast and as long as I possibly can. When I finally stop, I end up sitting down on the grass, breathing heavily.
“That wasn’t bad,” Sander says. “About five miles. Matt and Jake said you were only running about three miles max before getting tired.”
“Didn’t have a reason to run until now,” I say, between breaths. I hate how heavily I am breathing and how normally Sander is breathing.
I am way too out of shape.
“Do you want to talk about whatever is bothering you?” Sander asks, after about a minute of silence.
I am now breathing at a somewhat normal rhythm.
“Teagan and I had a fight,” I say.
“Again?”
I nod.
“Why are you even friends with her?” he asks.
“We haven’t always fought,” I say. “Actually, we got along wonderfully before you came here. She just... dropped a major bomb this afternoon and now I’m kind of pissed.”
“What did she say?”
“When I first came here, Teagan told me she has had a crush on the same guy since freshman year,” I say. “I assumed it was Jason. But I did ask her if she had a thing for Estaine. She said she didn’t. More than once she assured me she didn’t. Then today, she tells me that she’s had a crush on him since freshman year.”
“Wow,” he says. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “If she had told me when I first came here, I wouldn’t be dating Estaine right now. But I thought it was okay. And now she tells me that I don’t deserve him because it’s so obvious that I’m into you, which is so freaking annoying. I just wish I could tell her that I didn’t even meet you until a few days ago.”
“It sounds like she’s very jealous,” he says.
“Yeah. She is,” I say. “But she doesn’t have a right to be jealous after assuring me that she didn’t like him in the first place.”
“You really wouldn’t have dated him if she told you she liked him when you first came here?” he asks.
“Really, I wouldn’t have,” I say. “The truth is I liked Brooks from the beginning. And you know the rest... Estaine and I were friends and somehow became more. But I never would’ve let it get that far if she had just told me the truth. She was the one who encouraged me to date Estaine instead of Brooks.”
“That’s messed up,” he says. “I don’t know what to tell you to do. I’ve never been in a situation like that. But Teagan isn’t being a good friend now. Maybe you two should just get some separation.”
“That’s what I told her. But how am I supposed to?” I ask. “We have all the same friends and we live in the same room. And I don’t exactly want to tell Estaine what happened.”
“Why not? He should know,” Sander says. “He’s your boyfriend.”
“Because Teagan has to be wrong,” I say.
“What do you mean?” he ask.
“Teagan is... really pretty. How can I compete with her? What if Estaine likes her, too?”
“If you think that, then you really should tell Estaine. Because you deserve to be with somebody who would choose to be with you over anybody else,” Sander says. “But Estaine likes you, and he looks at you like the world revolves around you. I promise he is not going to dump you for Teagan.”
His words make my heart hurt a little.
Estaine does like me a lot.
“I have a question.”
“What?” he asks.
“Is it bad if Estaine likes me more than I like him?” I ask. “Don’t get me wrong, I like Estaine. A lot. But I think he’s in love with me and I don’t feel the same way about him. I mean, maybe I could eventually. I just... don’t right now.”
“I don’t think it’s wrong if you don’t like him as much as he likes you,” Sander says. “But I’m probably not the best person to come to for relationship advice. You don’t still like that Brooks kid, right?”
“No. I mean, I like him. And I’m very attracted to him. But after getting to know him, I don’t think Brooks and I would be very good together,” I say.
“That Brooks kid is kind of weird.”
I laugh.
“It sucks that this is happening to you,” Sander says. “I’m sorry.”
“Eh, whatever,” I say.
“By the way, I’m going to train you on Tuesday morning and since I know you can run five miles, I’m totally going to push you harder than Matt or Jake ever have.”
“Wait, why are you training me?” I ask.
Uncle Matty and Jake train me every day at five A.M. Of course, it’s just been Uncle Matty this week, because Jake is at home seeing his family. I’ve grown used to the training, though I’m not used to the getting up at five. Who can get used to that? But I don’t want Sander to train me. I want them to.
“Because it’s beneficial to switch things up. I know a lot of things that they don’t, and I want you to be safe,” he says.
“But isn’t it your job to keep me safe?” I ask.
“Yes, but you never know. It’s best to always be prepared.”
And that is the part that scares me.
Even though I feel safe at East Raven Academy with Sander as my bodyguard, I’m never truly safe.
I just want this entire nightmare to be over.
Monday, September 11
Wrong.
After school on Monday, we all decide to hang out together in the common room. I have been avoiding Teagan all day, which included eating breakfast at Uncle Matty and Jake’s house and skipping lunch. I haven’t had dinner yet, but undoubtedly I’ll end up having to do something else for that meal, too.
Because I’m trying to avoid Teagan, I’ve also been avoiding Estaine. Mostly because I’m not sure how to face him. I know that Sander says I shouldn’t worry, but I do. Would Estaine be with me if he knew how Teagan felt about him? I’ve officially run out of excuses to avoid my friends, so here I am.
Emma catches me up on all the latest school gossip that I missed. Apparently Paige dumped Bryce in a very public way during lunch. She screamed at him, told him it was over, and then proceeded to dump an entire bottle of soy sauce over his head. I cringe, thinking about how many showers it would take to wash that off. His skin is still slightly stained from it, which amuses me greatly. What doesn’t amuse me is the fact that Bryce is now hanging out with us again. I really hope he doesn’t try to win Emma back.
Bryce keeps looking at Emma, though. And he’s smiling at her, flirting with her and he’s being extra nice to her—you know, acting the way he should have when they were actually dating. I hope she remembers how awful he was to her, but I somehow doubt it, because she is smiling at him right now. At one point, Emma ends up getting up and moving close to Bryce when they are talking, which I can tell annoys Ian.
“I really hope she doesn’t go back to him,” Ian says to me.
“Me, too,” I say.
“Even if she’s not with me... she deserves better than that loser,” he says.
“And you deserve better than her,” I say. “If she’s going to be hung up over him, then you shouldn’t be with her. You deserve a girl who likes you as much as you like her.”
As the words leave my mouth, I feel a little guilty. Because wasn’t it just yesterday afternoon that I told Sander that Estaine likes me more than I like him. B
ut the fact of the matter is I do like Estaine. I like him a lot. And I want to be with him. It just... doesn’t seem fair to him.
Still, I don’t want to break up with him because I do like him.
“Thanks, Phoenix,” Ian says. “Estaine is lucky.”
“I’m surprised you say that,” I say. “Everybody thinks I’m dating Sander.”
“They only think that because of the playful banter you two always have,” he says. “It’s obvious you’re comfortable with him—more comfortable, even, than you are with Estaine. I mean, it’s understandable. He’s your best friend. But I can see that you don’t have feelings for Sander.”
He thinks I’m more comfortable with Sander than I am with Estaine?
Is he wrong?
I should be comfortable with Sander. He’s my bodyguard. So, I try not to read more into his comment than I should, but I do file it away for later.
Ian gets up suddenly and walks out of the room. I look up and see that Bryce now has his arm around Emma and she’s laughing hard at something he said.
Yikes.
Sander comes over and takes a seat where Ian was just sitting.
“I think your friend Teagan has it out for you,” Sander says.
“What makes you say that?” I ask.
“She just spent the last twenty minutes asking me questions about our supposed relationship,” he says. “I’ve got to say, if this is what I missed out on by not going to a normal high school, then I’m glad I got to skip out.”
“Boarding school isn’t exactly a normal high school,” I say. “Especially not East Raven. It’s a school for the wealthy and powerful.”
“What kind of school did you go to before you came here?” he asks.
“It was still a private school,” I answer. “I mean, it would’ve been hard to go to a public school just because of who my stepdad is. Or my dad, for that matter.”
“Oh, yeah. Isn’t your stepdad a famous director or something?”
“Yep,” I answer. “I figured you knew everything about me already. I know it’s weird, but I imagine you having this huge file on me.”
“Oh, I do,” he says. “But I only read the stuff that I thought was important. If you want me to know the rest, then you’ll tell me.”
“Well, let’s just say even though I hate pretending to be somebody I’m not, it’s easier than actually being who I am,” I say. “Everybody always wants something from me. So being here... being Phoenix Underwood... is a relief.”
“What are you guys talking about?” I hear Teagan ask from across the room.
Please don’t let her start something here.
“Life, I guess,” I answer.
“Oh?” she asks; a hint of suspicion in her tone.
I wasn’t ready to talk to her yet. I want to just take a break from our friendship, if I’m being honest. But it looks like she’s in the mood to talk now, so I most likely don’t have a choice. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to be a particularly pleasant conversation.
“If you’re going to start dating Sander, you should probably break up with Estaine,” Teagan says.
Now everybody is looking at us.
There aren’t a whole lot of people in here—mostly my friends and a couple of other students, but it’s still embarrassing to be called out by my supposed best friend. Especially when she’s accusing me of cheating on my boyfriend.
“I’m not dating Sander,” I say.
And this is kind of mortifying. Because it’s embarrassing that she’s chosen to think that I’m cheating on my boyfriend with my bodyguard. It’s so farfetched and I hate that Sander is right here to hear the entire conversation.
“I can tell that you’re flirting with him from over here,” Teagan says.
“She’s not flirting with me,” Sander says. “I already told you, it’s an unrequited love.”
Which probably doesn’t make anything better.
“Estaine, you can’t possibly be okay with this,” Teagan says.
“Okay with what?” Estaine asks, walking closer to me. “Her being friends with a guy she’s been friends with since kindergarten? Yeah, I’m okay with that.”
“She has feelings for Sander,” Teagan says.
“Want me to take care of her?” Sander asks.
I shake my head, wondering what taking-care-of-her means from Sander.
“You’re wrong, Teagan,” Estaine says, sticking up for me. “I don’t know what is going on with you, but you’re not acting like yourself. What you’re saying is not true. I know my girlfriend. And aren’t you supposed to be her best friend? Why are you treating Phoenix like this?”
“Sander is all we talk about,” Teagan says. “She is constantly bringing him up.”
Me?
They are the ones bringing him up.
“You girls are the one that ask Phoenix about me,” Sander says. “Why are you trying to start something where there is nothing? Are you so insecure in yourself that you can’t handle somebody else being happy?”
I just sit there and let Sander and Estaine fight this for me, because I honestly can’t believe Teagan is acting like this.
I thought she was my friend.
I guess I was wrong.
“Come on, Teagan,” Emma says. “This isn’t really any of your business.”
“Fine,” Teagan says, standing up. She looks at Estaine. “If you want to let a girl treat you like that, be my guest.”
She turns and storms out of the room and I just sit there, feeling completely shaken. Once I look away from the door that Teagan just walked out of, I see that everybody in the room is looking at me. So, without a word, I get up and walk from the room, too. I know that Sander is going to follow me, which will just fuel the rumors, but I’m just over this whole thing.
Why couldn’t she have just been honest from the beginning about her feelings? If she had, then I wouldn’t be in this stupid situation to begin with.
Then again, if she had told me, I also wouldn’t be dating Estaine, and I don’t want to take that back.
I can’t believe I’m about to lose the first real girl-friend I’ve ever made—over a guy. How stupid.
What is love?
Not wanting to go back to my dorm room where Teagan could show up any minute, I get in my car and head over to Uncle Matty and Jake’s house. I wait for Sander to get in the passenger side before I take off.
Jake is still visiting home, and will be for a couple of more days. I miss him being around, but I’m glad he’s getting to spend some time with his wife and daughter. I hope that Uncle Matty gets to go see his kids soon, too. I feel bad that they have to be away from their families for me.
When we get to Uncle Matty’s house, I don’t reach to open the door just yet.
“Hey, Sander?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you have family?” I ask. “I mean, like, people you had to leave behind to come here?”
“Yes, I have a family. A mom and a dad. I’m an only child. But I’ve pretty much been away from them since I was fourteen,” he says. “I see them on holidays and stuff.”
“Okay,” I say, feeling a little better. “They had to leave their kids and stuff to come—Uncle Matty and Jake. I feel bad that they have to sacrifice time with them for me.”
“It is, literally, their job,” Sander says. “When they were training for their job, they knew exactly what kind of sacrifices they would have to make in the future. So you should never feel bad. They signed up for it, just like I did.”
“Is there anybody else you’re away from right now?” I ask.
“I have a team,” he says. “But they’re all scattered around on different assignments right now. And even so, there is nowhere else I want to be. I already told you, I heard about your case and requested to be sent. I want to protect you. You’re a sixteen year old girl who is in a horrible situation. None of this is your fault.”
“Yeah,” I say, then sigh. “Thanks, Sander.”
I get out of the car and Sander comes with me.
“So, you’re not going to listen to what that girl said, right?” he asks. “I mean, she’s downright awful.”
I shrug. “Maybe I’m just not meant to have girl-friends, because it never seems to work out.”
When I get to the front door, I don’t knock. I just walk inside. I smell something cooking from the kitchen.
“I hope Matt made enough for us,” Sander says.
“Me, too.”
Because I am hungry from skipping lunch.
Sander and I walk into the kitchen, where Uncle Matty is standing by the stove, stirring something.
“What up?” Sander asks him.
“Back already?” Uncle Matty asks.
“There is more privacy here than the dorms,” I say. “Got enough for us?”
“Nope. Sorry,” he says.
“I’m ordering food,” Sander says, pulling phone out of his back pocket. “Chinese or Indian?”
“Both sound amazing. You choose,” I answer.
“Indian it is,” he says.
He walks out of the room to make his phone call, leaving me there with Uncle Matty.
“How you doing, kid?” Uncle Matty asks.
“Eh,” I say. “High school kind of sucks and I’m kind of ready for it to be over.”
“I was kind of a loser in high school,” he says. “I didn’t have a lot of friends. But then I went to college and that is where I made all my friends. College is so much better than high school. Plus, I met my wife in college. It was love at first sight.”
“That sounds amazing,” I say.
“It was,” he says. “I told her I loved her on our first date.”
“Oh, my gosh! What did she do?” I ask.
“She kissed me and told me that she loved me, too,” he says. “We were married three months later.”
“That’s crazy,” I say. “If Estaine told me he loved me I’d probably break up with him and never speak to him again. The first date is too soon.”
“When you know, you know,” he says. “So, you’re not in love with the Estaine kid, huh?”
“No,” I answer. “We’ve been dating less than a week. How have I had time to fall in love with him?”
Never Ever (East Raven Academy Book 2) Page 6