by Josh Weil
After what you done to the Party Van I guess Russ and Vic quit going to Crigger’s. I quit going too. I tried to just do as I’d done before, work the pumps, wave from the curb, ride over to the Pine Top, eat whatever they’d done up special, ride back, brush my teeth in the Men’s Room, roll out my bag in the office. My clothes all smelled like Crigger’s even after I washed them and I got so I couldn’t stand to wear them. Maybe you been to that charity shop what’s at the church on the Pembroke Road. I don’t like to go. The old lady who runs it talks to me like I’m a kid plus maybe deaf and can’t pick out my own clothes. She says how she knows I want a piece of candy till I want to hit her. It’s better I just go at night, get the clothes direct from the trash bags what’s left outside. All you got to do is tear one open and drag it under the lamp and you can dig through it till you find pretty much anything you need.
One night I seen something what I got to tell you. What I know you ain’t gonna like. I know you don’t know about it cause nobody knows about it but me and afterwards I was too shamed to tell nobody. So you’s the first one to hear it. Which I guess is how it oughta be. I am saying up front here before the telling how I know the error of what I done. I am sorry for this, too.
But there is things what once you seen you can’t stop looking. It was when I gone over to check the home seller’s window. I could see soon’s I turned on the street what there was a new one up. I parked the bike and put my flashlight to the glass. I don’t remember what kind of house it was. Instead, for the first time I noticed the name next to it. Brian W. Podawalski. I never knowed Waker was your second name stead of your first, but there you was in a picture. You was in a suit jacket and looked good, never mind your smile. I moved the flashlight over your face. I tried to see what she seen.
After that I gone by the home seller’s place every night. It was almost a week since I’d last been to Crigger’s and I guess I was waiting to see if they was gonna take you down. Instead, I seen a light on inside. I shut off my flashlight. I gone around the side till I seen the window what was lit from the right room. I said to myself what it wasn’t no different from looking in windows like I always done, but I knowed it was. You was in there with her. The window was open and the light come through the screen so I had to stand back in the dark to keep it off me and you was talking so quiet I had to listen hard to make it out. It was all money talk what I didn’t care about, so I give my mind to just watching her. She was sitting down, busy at the knot of her shoe. I watched her get it, and take it off, and then she gone to work on the other. That was when you gone down on your knees and took off her other shoe and she laughed. Then you took off her sock. Then you started rubbing and squeezing at her foot. I was watching her face show how good it felt when she looked at you like she’d just got upset and I thought she said my name. I put my mind back on listening again.
Well I don’t know why, she said.
I’m just saying that’s what he thought, you said.
She took her foot away from you.
He told me you wanted to leave, you said.
Don’t act like that’s news. She quit smiling. I’ve told you that a hundred times.
What if he goes around telling it a hundred times? Telling everybody he—
What if he does? she said.
You know what. And don’t think it would be easy for you either.
None of it’s easy, she said.
Maybe it’s better to leave it alone, not tell him anything else, not—
So I’m not supposed to even talk to him?
I didn’t say that.
I like him, he’s sweet.
I’m not sweet? you said.
Look at you, she said. The only time you’re ugly is when you’re jealous.
You was laughing. She was right about the ugly. Maybe it’s for the best, you said.
I don’t want him to get hurt, she said.
You’d rather I got hurt?
You know that’s not—
Someone’s gonna get hurt, you said. We’ve known that from the beginning. I’m just saying think about it.
I don’t want to.
Think about how much easier it could make things. Maybe this is a gift. Maybe this is a sign.
Oh bullshit, she said.
If we’re really careful, if we talk it through with each other and—listen to me. I’m hearing you. I’m saying we respect how much and what the other person’s willing to do and make sure nothing gets out of hand.
It’s gonna get out of hand, she said.
Maybe not, you said. Maybe this is our best chance. Our one chance at a good life together.
What you mean is without you getting hurt, she said.
Or you getting hurt.
He’s the only one that gets hurt, she said.
Well—
She said, You’re such a coward, you know that?
I am, huh?
A wimp, she said.
Is that so?
A—
Say that again?
A pussy.
Okay, you said. That’s it.
You grabbed her then. She was struggling and you got her by the wrists, but it wasn’t like what Russ and Vic done. I could see that. She was laughing. Pussy, I heard her say. And then you was taking down her skirt and she was getting your pants off for you just as quick.
I’m not proud to say I watched the whole thing. Soon as you was done, I left. When I got on the bike I felt almost too sick to ride. But I did. I passed the Sunoco and kept on and circled back and did it more times than I can remember. The longer I rode the less of it made sense and the parts what did didn’t seem so bad. After a while I was able to see it was good what she’d brung me up. And even her fighting with you about me was good. And what she said how she liked me and wouldn’t back down, I was almost happy by the time I parked at the Sunoco. I was hopeful like I hadn’t been in a week.
Friday of July
I would understand if you is mad at how I spied in at your most private doing. I will not try to change your mind. Like Ma B says, What we do on the outside is half up to us and half up to them what’s got a stake in it, but what we do on the inside is ours alone. Even God, she says, can’t make us feel what we don’t want to feel. He just punish us if he don’t like it. But I hope you will see it like I have come to see it. I guess by now you looked in at my most private thoughts and even doings what there was no way for you to know but what I told you. I guess we about even. What would you see if you looked in my window to My Hall?
Saturday of July
Not much.
Sunday of July
I have seen her. Today I seen her. I was standing out at the curb and she drived by just like what I’d been looking for and I seen her. She seen me too. She pretended not, but I know she did. Thing is. Thing is what I can’t figure out. What I can’t figure out is, in the seat next to her was you.
Wednesday of July
For a few days now I ain’t knowed how I was gonna ever get all what I’ve writ to you. I asked Jackie if you was let go from New Valley Regional. Not what she knowed, was what she said. But I know what I seen. I’d ask Roy, too, but after the dump he has turned strange and quiet how he don’t like to talk to no one. So I just got to figure it out on my own. Or I won’t. Truth is, the only difference from before is now I don’t know for sure how I’m gonna get this to you. And what you is to her, now. And what I am to her. But I guess I hadn’t really knowed none of that anyhow. The one thing I know now is there’s a good bet whenever I find her I’m gonna find you too.
Last time she come by the Sunoco was back in spring, not but two days after I seen you and her in the home seller’s place. Her car pulled in just after lunch. It tripped the bell and I come out the office. The whole walk over to the pump I made myself not look at her.
Five worth of regular? I asked, like she was any customer.
Geoffrey, she said.
You want I should do the back window too?
I stood there a
nd she sat there. A few cars gone by on the road.
You okay? I said.
She shrugged.
Another car pulled in, tripped the ringer, parked cross the other side.
I gotta get that, I said.
She nodded. While I done the other car’s window I watched her over the hood. She got a pack of smokes out her bag, put one in her mouth. Her hand was shaking. She had on sunglasses and her hair was down like I’d never seen and there was makeup on her face more than what I’d seen before. The whole time I watched her, right through to giving the change, she didn’t look at me once.
When the other car drived off I gone back to her.
You look different, I said.
Better?
Nuhuh.
She laughed at that and there was some of her real laugh in it and some what wasn’t.
You nervous? I said.
Her smile was the same parts as her laugh. I was leaning down on her windowsill and she turned the other way to blow out the smoke. You aren’t like anybody else, she said, still facing that way.
Neither is you, I said.
Sure I am, she said. Then she looked back at me. I wanted to talk to you, she said.
Okay.
I’m sorry about the last couple weeks.
It’s okay.
No it’s not.
I said, I stopped coming by like you asked.
I know, she said. I missed you.
The bell tripped again and a truck pulled in at the pump behind her.
I gotta get that, I said.
He wanted the oil checked so I done it, though the whole time I was under the hood my back was to her car and I could feel her looking at me. The driver honked what made me jump. He stuck his head out the window. How you doin’ Linda? he said.
Good, she said. How’s Patty?
Fine, the guy said. Kids is in summer camp for a week. And thank God. He talked to her like that and she talked back when she had to and I walked between them doing my job. When he drived off I gone back to her.
Maybe I should park somewhere else, she said.
Okay, I said.
You gonna have a minute?
Yuhuh, I told her. I’ll put up a sign.
Good, she said. I’ll wait for you.
Instead of parking at the office, she gone behind the garage outta sight. I heard her engine quit. On my way to the office I heard her door shut back there and she said so low I wasn’t sure she said it, Shit. I got the Out Of Order signs and two Pepsis and put the signs on the pumps and gone back behind the garage with the cans.
She was standing by the front of the car smoking and looking nervous as before.
I held up a Pepsi. I said, We don’t sell beer.
It was good to see her smile. She said, Just like old times. We should sit on the ground.
Okay, I said and was going to when she reached out and put her hand on my elbow. I’m joking, she said. That’s what I wanted to come and tell you.
About the ground? I said.
About I don’t want it to be like it was. I don’t want it to be us sitting behind the tank like I did with them boys. You weren’t never like one of them boys to me, Geoffrey. You ought to know that.
I know it, I said.
She sat on the hood of her car. Come sit by me, she said.
I did. We drank our Pepsis.
You still with your husband? I said.
She breathed out smoke. Boy, she said, you get right to it, don’t you? She was switching off between her smoke and her can and she took a drink and said, It’s not as easy as all that. We haven’t so far had much of a mature relationship, you know?
We wasn’t doing the blow jobs, I said.
That’s true, she said. But we never did have much of a chance to get to know each other in a normal way. You know, like dating. Like going out on a date even. It’s hard for me to even think about up and leaving my husband when we haven’t had a try at a adult relationship yet, you know?
You got another smoke? I said.
Here. She handed hers to me and I smoked it and handed it back.
You want to go on a date? I asked her.
I would love to, she said.
We sat there for a while drinking Pepsi and passing the cigarette back and forth till it was done. A few cars come in and tripped the bells and gone out again.
You know what I would like? she said.
What?
I’d like more than anything else to have a real homemade dinner with you.
Okay, I said. I ain’t much of a cook.
She done something to the hair around my ear. She said, I can do okay when I want to.
I don’t even got a microwave, I said.
Geoffrey, I don’t mean here at the Sunoco.
Okay.
I mean at my house.
Okay.
God, she said, I would like to do it right, you know? Like we were starting over, you and me. At a actual table, sitting in actual chairs. We haven’t even talked about music. I love music. I don’t even know what kind of music you like.
I ain’t particular, I said.
Well I am, she said. See you don’t even know that. That’s the point. I could play you some CDs. What do you think?
About the CDs?
About the whole thing.
I don’t know, I said.
Huh, she said. I thought. I guess I thought it would be nice.
Me too, I said.
She watched me like she didn’t know what to say.
I said, Is your husband gonna be there?
My husband?
Cause—
No, no, no. Geoffrey. No Geoffrey, that’s the whole point. I’ll make sure he’s gone. I’ll take care of it.
I wasn’t worried, I said. It just seemed you was nervous about something and I thought maybe it was—
I’m not nervous, she said.
Okay, I said. You just seemed—
Well, I mean I’m a little. Aren’t you?
She lit up another cigarette and I watched her smoke it and she watched me watch her.
Do you mean excited? I said.
She smiled. Yeah, she said. I guess I mean excited. She looked at me and then looked away and said, God I like you. God but this is gonna be hard.
What? I said.
Us. You and me.
Why’s it gonna be hard?
Well, shit, Geoffrey, because I have a husband and you’re—there’s a lot of people who aren’t gonna understand is all. I mean because you and I aren’t exactly what most people would think—shit, I’m sorry. I’m being stupid, I’m sorry.
She took my face in her hands and kissed me.
I’m sorry, she said again.
You got to stop saying sorry so much, I said.
This time her laugh was like her old laugh. She said, You remember everything anyone says, don’t you?
Yuhuh, I said.
She slid off the trunk of the car, said, Then I guess you can remember tomorrow night at seven.
She writ down the address on a Kleenex and give it to me. After she gone, I stood back there in the shade for a while. The customers come in and out tripping the bell and I let them.
There was hours after she gone what I couldn’t even make the right change. I used the oil rag to wipe off the window scraper and the slick it smeared on the windshield made me want to grab my brain and slap it. It was when a customer ask for five bucks of Regular and I go with Super and fill it up what I knowed I was done for the day. I gone in the office and called Mister Gilkey and stayed there on my sleep roll behind the register till I made up my mind.
I think sometimes God looks down at the path you walking and shakes his head and reaches at you from on high and picks you by the shoulders and turns you just a little bit. Then he takes his big finger and give your back a flick. That evening, riding my bike out on the edge of 42, I could see, as each hour gone by, how much more different everything was gonna be. I took 42 all the way out over the ridge and into th
e next dip, and it was near five hours by the time I passed over Sinking Creek, round sunset, and there was still more than a hour to go. I kept on till I hit 329 what I took up into the hills. It was dark, but dirt’s better than hardtop when there’s a moon.
I will be truthful with you. I don’t like going back to Ma B’s. It’d been more than a year since I been to her, and I’d thought it would be a lot longer than that before I’d go back. I don’t want you to think I’m ungrateful for all she done, or what I think I’ve growed past the time for my need of her, or what I don’t love her none. I love her. I love her like I have never done anyone else, not even Linda. It ain’t even what I don’t like being there, or don’t feel the deep deepness of her caring on me. Or what it ain’t peaceful. Or none of that. I don’t know what it is, in truth. I only know every time I think about going back something deep in me just wants to lie down and give up.
There was lights on in the house. I could see her truck was there and what she done all right with the veal calves. There was least a dozen more little white calf houses than there’d been last time I come home. I figured with one calf per calf house there got to be near fifty head she was growing. I rode down and parked my bike against the oak. The dogs come out and barked how they always do, gone crazy till I got to the door, and you can hear Ma B shout at them, and they shut up.
It’s me, I told the door. Geoffrey.
It opened and she grabbed me. It was Ma B teached me how to give good hugs. At night she’d make us all practice. Line us up and warn us she wanted to feel it in every bone of her body before we was allowed to go up to bed. She’s got a hug harder than any man what ever shook my hand.
Look at you, she said. Little Plum Head. I’m still taller than you.
I stopped growing a long time ago, I told her.
You know what I say, she said.
I know, I told her, but I think I stopped.
You think I can’t see? she said. You’ve growed tall on the inside.
It’s what she says every time I come to the door.
She took me in. Them dogs crowd your legs so bad you gotta move at half speed.
She said, ever since I got the Dish, it’s like I lost all my children, the house is so quiet.