I shook my head harder. “It’s just stupid stuff, Stac.”
“Stuff with Axel?”
I nodded.
“Shit,” she said. “This is my fault. I wanted him to be here.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said. “At all. We’re grown adults. We should be able to face each other. It just proves how badly everything really did end.”
“Well, when you think of everything that happened,” Stacy said. “I mean, you both lost-”
“Each other,” I said. “That’s what happened. We lost each other.”
“But you know why that happened.”
“It doesn’t matter why. It shouldn’t have happened. Nothing was supposed to ruin it.”
“Shelby,” Stacy said. “This isn’t some goofy TV show. It’s not twenty minutes of getting mad and ten minutes of making up.”
I rolled my eyes, trying to keep my emotions in check.
“You know I’m right,” she said.
“I know,” I said. “It’s just…”
“Messy,” she said. “I know messy. My life has been messy.”
“That’s for sure,” I said. “I’m here worried about my past and you’re dealing with something tragic in the present.”
“That’s okay. It’s a distraction. And it’s good to know I’m not the only one hurting. Sorry if that sounds mean.”
“It’s not mean,” I said. “Tell me about your trip. I just need to hear something else for a minute.”
Stacy had four bags packed. She was going to use her phone to drive wherever she wanted to go. She had been researching small beach towns and had a list of five that she wanted to check out. She looked happy. She was vibrant as she spoke.
But the high came crashing down when she finished talking and everything sank in.
“Den always wanted to road trip,” she said. “When he would get all messed up, I would be there with him. He’d tell me he wanted to travel with me.”
“This is a good way to honor him.”
Stacy looked at me. “How can I love someone who was a piece of garbage so much?”
“Because you have a good heart,” I said.
“So do you. And whether you like it or not…” Stacy bit her lip.
“What?”
“I’m going to put some distance between us.”
“Why?”
“Because I have something to say.”
Stacy literally walked to the kitchen and put a good amount of space between us.
“What do you have to say?” I asked.
“Whether you like it or not… he’s still alive. He’s still here.”
“Stacy…”
“I know,” she said and showed her hands. “I can never see Den again. I can never hug him. I can never kiss him. I can never tell him I love him or hear him say it to me. This was our destiny. He was always going to die like this. But you don’t have to have that life.”
“Just because he’s alive doesn’t mean anything,” I said. “Sorry to burst your bubble, Stacy.”
“I know,” she said. “But remember that… he’s still here. And what you two went through…”
“You know, I was kind of hoping we’d get to the point where we’d rip them apart. Call them both assholes and stuff.”
“Who?”
“Den and Axel. Or at least Axel.”
“You want me to call him an asshole?”
“Yes,” I said. “I wanted to bash him to feel better about myself.”
“Shel, what happened with him that did this? You look nervous and heartbroken.”
It’s because of a tattoo and you wouldn’t understand why…
“Nothing happened,” I said.
“Just the thought of it all?”
“Yeah,” I said.
Which was half a lie. Nothing happened with Axel, which was good. But there were parts of me that made me wonder if it was a bad thing. The way I felt… did he not think I was beautiful anymore? I hated asking myself that, but to be fair, Axel was the first person to tell me I was beautiful. And I always believed it when he said it to me. I watched for years as women who were much better looking than me walk into his path and he would just walk by as though they were ghosts. I captured him, which I never thought possible.
But I also lost him, which part of me always expected. Even still, it did hurt. A lot.
“I’m sorry you’re going through that,” Stacy said. “I wish I could help. I mean, if you want, you can come with me. We can have a sisters’ trip. That would be amazing.”
I pondered the thought for a quick second.
But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t crash Stacy’s trip. For so long, I had been waiting for her to do something on her own, and now she was going to do that. No way was I going to get in her way.
“That’s okay,” I said.
“Come on,” Stacy said. She hurried from the kitchen toward me, looking ready to tackle me. “Imagine how amazing it would be. We can pretend to be anyone we want. We can pick up guys even. Right there on the beach, in a small town…”
I laughed and put my hands out. “I can’t.”
“You can’t? Why can’t you? Don’t even tell me because of your job…”
“No, it’s not that.”
“Then what is it?”
“I just can’t,” I said. “This is your thing. Have at it. I have something else to do.”
“Like what?”
The doctor… no, never mind that. That will be fine. I hope.
I struggled to think of the right words to say. Or the right lie.
“Well, the offer stands. No matter what. Today. Tomorrow. A week from now.”
“Okay,” I said. “But right now… I have somewhere I have to go…”
2.
I wasn't afraid to walk into St. Skin. I should have been. Everyone would look, point, talk, feel uncomfortable, all that normal stuff when you and someone they knew breaks up. Well, divorces. I guess that was a bigger thing than just a regular old breakup. At the same time, I had no idea what Axel had told everyone about me.
Even still, I did not care one bit as I pulled on the door and walked into the shop.
It was different from the last time I was there. It was brighter, busier, noisier. I remember the shop having nothing on the walls but a couple of posters. And one beaten up folder of tattoo ideas and designs drawn by hand by Tate and Sawyer.
I looked around and took it all in.
“Can I help you?” a woman’s voice asked.
She stood behind a glass counter, jet black hair, big smile, tattoos on her arms.
“You might be able to help me,” I said. “I’m looking for-”
“Shelby?”
I turned my head and put a hand over my mouth.
Sawyer stood a few feet away, his eyes wide with surprise.
“Sawyer,” I said. “Ohmygosh…”
“Shelby,” he said. He blinked his eyes a few times. “I haven’t seen you…”
“Years,” I said.
“Years and years. I don’t know what to say right now.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “You’re not one to go silent, Saint.”
I wasn’t even sure if anyone still called him that. Not now at least. Now he was back in town, running the shop with Tate, and expecting a baby with Kate. Oh, the days of Sawyer and Kate before things exploded. Much like a prequel to myself and Axel.
Sawyer walked toward me, arms opened.
We hugged and he covered his mouth.
“You okay?” I asked.
“I’m in shock. Total shock.”
“Well, I could say the same about you. Never thought I’d see you again. And now I hear you’re having a baby.”
Sawyer touched his stomach. “To be fair, I’m not having a baby. Kate is.”
“Kate,” I said. “I can’t even… wow.”
I swallowed hard.
This was starting to feel overwhelming. I’d underestimated what this would feel like.
> “Hey, not to cut the small talk short,” Sawyer said. “I want to hear everything about your life, Shelby. We all do. I mean, we all miss you. Tate is right in his office if you want to say hey. But I have to ask… what are you doing here?”
“This is a tattoo shop, right?” I asked.
“Yeah…”
“I have a situation.”
“What kind of situation?”
I stepped back and pointed down to my ankle. I was wearing shorts, on purpose, knowing my plan today was to come to St. Skin. Going to see Stacy was nothing but a diversion as my heart and mind did their fighting thing and came up without a real winner. So I was just going by feel.
“What’s wrong?” Sawyer asked.
“I hate it,” I said. “I mean… hate it.”
“Okay,” he said, laughing. “You want to get it covered up then?”
“That’s the plan,” I said.
“Okay,” he said. “Tell you what. Let me figure out what my schedule is for the day. If I can’t take you back right now, I’ll find someone who can. Nothing to worry about. Do you have any idea what you’re looking to get done over that?”
“No,” I said.
“That’s fine. I can draw something up. Maybe we can chat for a few minutes and I can think of something. We can go into Tate’s office. He’ll pass out when he sees-”
“Saint,” I said, cutting him off. “Shut up for a second.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t want you to tattoo me,” I said. “No offense.”
“Yeah, none taken,” he said.
“I know who I want to tattoo this for me,” I said.
“Okay. Who?”
“Axel.”
3.
“Fired?” I asked a little under my breath.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” Sawyer said. “Something happened. Tate went to check on Axel…” I watched Sawyer’s mouth moving. He was holding stuff back from me. Stuff that would probably hurt me.
“He was hungover and with a woman,” I said. “Right?”
“I wasn’t there, Shelby,” he said. “All I know is that Tate fired him and…”
I saw movement from the corner of my eye. My head turned and I saw Axel.
He was here.
Our eyes met and he had the same surprised look on his face that Sawyer just had.
“Shelby,” he said.
“Axel,” I said.
“I think I’ll go and talk to Tate about numbers,” Sawyer said. He touched my arm. “Hey, it was really good to see you. I would love to catch up. Seriously. Kate too. She’s going to flip when I tell her I saw you.”
“That would be great,” I said. “I would love to see her. I miss her a lot.”
I miss everything… but I don’t miss…
I turned my head again and looked at Axel.
This was the worst of it all. Facing everything I lost, but in some strange way, wishing that I could have kept it all without Axel around. Which was mean. Really mean. It was cold and heartless, but that was the only wall I knew how to build with Axel.
Sawyer walked away and Axel inched his way toward me.
“What is this?” Axel asked.
“I need to get a tattoo.”
“You’re kidding me.”
“No.”
“You came to St. Skin to get a tattoo. Today.”
“Yes,” I said. “I don’t have work. I have time. Is that a problem?”
“I guess not,” he said.
“I was hoping you’d do it, Axel. But Sawyer said you got fired.”
I poked at him a little, waiting for his reaction. If what Sawyer said was true about Tate firing him to get a reaction, it meant that Axel was shutting down. And when Axel shut down, it wasn’t good for anyone. He was the kind of person to walk away, collect his thoughts, and come back. But to shut down… I’d only ever seen him do that once.
And that one time led to…
This.
Axel stepped toward me, almost bumping into me. He looked down at me with an angry face. I had faced off with him many times and there wasn’t a single time when it didn’t make my heart race. For good reasons and bad.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “You don’t belong here.”
“I’m not leaving,” I said. “I want to get a tattoo.”
“Of what?”
“I want to get my ankle fixed,” I said. “That was a mistake and I want to fix it.”
Axel curled his lip. “You’re fucking with me, Shel.”
“No I’m not. I’m here to apologize and ask you to fix it.”
“Apologize for what?” he asked.
“For letting someone else tattoo me first.”
Axel laughed. “I don’t give a shit about that.”
“You gave a shit enough to storm out of my apartment. And let me guess… you went to Little Mikey’s. And you picked up some woman. And then this morning, Tate came to check on you because you never showed up to work. Does that sound right?”
“You know, you’re starting to sound like my ex-wife,” Axel said. “Always bitching at me. Always picking a fight over the dumbest shit.”
“I feel bad for her,” I said.
“I don’t,” Axel said.
He turned and started to walk away.
I felt the lump in my throat as though it were glass.
My nostrils flared and I pictured me launching myself at his back and wrapping my arms around his neck. Screaming into his ear that it wasn’t my fucking fault. And it wasn’t his fucking fault either.
Instead, I just stood there. The right thing now was to walk away for good. There was never going to be closure. And kicking around sand in the desert, looking for water, was stupid when you were dying of thirst.
I couldn’t hurt myself any longer with it.
He would never talk about what happened.
Being in St. Skin was like a breathing memory. It was nice to see Sawyer. It would be nice to see Tate. I would love to hug Kate one more time.
I blinked as my eyes begged for tears.
Axel opened a door and paused.
He looked at me one more time.
This was going to be the last goodbye for us. Finally.
But Axel just stood there.
After a few seconds, he called out, “Well?”
“Well, what?” I asked, my voice cracking.
“You coming in or what?”
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“That tattoo on your ankle is a joke… I’ll fix it.”
4.
I cautiously entered the room and stood there, watching as Axel moved a box onto the floor. I saw some old notebooks and supplies inside it.
“Are you really fired?” I asked.
“Shut the door behind you,” he said without even so much as looking at me.
The door clicked shut and I stepped forward and looked down at the notebooks right on top. They brought back more than a few memories for me. I remembered those notebooks quite a bit. Axel would draw pictures and I would write him love letters around the drawings. I wondered how many of those drawings were now tattoos on people’s bodies.
Axel pointed to a big leather chair and said, “Sit. So I can see what kind of mess I’m working with.”
“Are you fired?” I asked again.
“Why does that matter?”
“Are you allowed to be here? Doing this?”
“I know what I’m doing, Shel. You really want to insult me again?”
“Again?”
“The tattoo…”
“Oh,” I said, my cheeks turning red.
I might have been better off telling Axel that I’d cheated on him over me getting my first tattoo done by someone else. But what was done was done.
I slowly sat down on the chair and put my feet up.
Axel sat down on a black leather stool and kicked his way down toward my feet.
Just him looking at me made me s
hiver in a way that I told myself was just because of what used to be.
“Who did this?” Axel asked.
“You really want to know the story?”
He put a hand onto my leg. His rough fingers against my smooth skin. Every muscle in my body tensed for a moment. His hand was warmer than my leg. My mouth went bone dry for a few seconds.
His eyes studied the tattoo as I studied him from the side of his face.
That wild jawline of his that my fingertips used to trace a hundred times over. Sadly, one of those times was my last time. And when I did it, I didn’t know that it.
“I want to know the story,” Axel said. “I need to know what I’m working with here so I can fix it.”
“Axel, please just tell me what’s going on before I talk.”
He lifted his gaze to mine. “Everything you said was true. Okay? And, yes, Tate fired me this morning. He told me I can finish out today, and that’s it.”
My heart sank.
I couldn’t image Axel not working at St. Skin. At the same time, I didn’t want to imagine him in bed with another woman. Him touching her skin, kissing places that were forbidden. Her touching him in places that were promised to be mine forever. Kissing places that I’d claimed first. Leaving me raging with jealousy, wondering if she was… better…
My teeth chattered as though I were cold, but it was just my nerves trying to decide what to do. Break down and cry. Scream with anger. Kick my right foot and hit Axel in the nose, hoping it would bleed. Or just sit there, stuck in some sense of time, staring at the man who I gave a vow to that I would stick it out.
I wanted to hate him for breaking the vow…
But I broke it too.
I wanted out.
I demanded to get out.
I signed the papers before he did.
And all Axel did was stare at me, leaving me to wonder if he knew what I was thinking about, or if he was thinking the exact same thing.
“I was drunk,” I whispered.
Axel quickly laughed. “Every great story starts out that way, Shel.”
“They’re not all great, Axel.”
With a quick kick, Axel rolled forward and got really close to me. We were at eye level. I saw his right hand twitch. My heart ached for him to cup my face just one more time. Instead, he made a fist and hid his hand from my view.
“That was a mess last night,” he whispered. “Everything. It shouldn’t have been the way it was.”
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