by Pat Condell
So thank you for that, America. I can’t tell you how proud that makes me feel. I really, really can’t. But it’s human nature to live in hope, so let me just say in closing, America, as one friend to another, get well real soon. We’re all praying for you. Peace.
3.
What Have I Got Against Religion?
March 4, 2007
Somebody asked me this week: “What have you got against religion?”
That’s a tough one. I’m suspicious of religion, and that’s unusual for me because normally if something sounds too good to be true, I’m in – where do I sign?
But with religion, something is holding me back, and I’m not sure what it is. It could be the shameless hypocrisy, the arrogant self-righteousness, the wilful ignorance, or the cynical indoctrination and poisoning of young minds with prejudice and hate. It’s difficult to say exactly.
I do know that, given half a chance, religion would control every aspect of my life whether I want it to or not, and would impose a morality on me, telling me what to think, what to believe, and who to attack and kill for believing something else.
Thus, religion is the natural home of the psychopath.
Historically, whenever religion gets any power the result is always repression.
If it could, I’m sure it would bring back crucifixion. So that’s one thing I’ve got against religion.
Another thing, since you ask, is this book (holds up Bible), the Bible, or the Holy Bible, as it’s jokingly referred to here on the front cover; the costume drama from hell, a mesmerising soup of image and metaphor into which any fantasy can be read, and by which any horror can be justified.
They call the Bible the good book, and yes, if you’re looking for blood and guts, sadistic cruelty, meanness of spirit, and general psychopathic insanity, then this might be what you’d call a good book – this might be the book for you.
But if you’re looking in the Bible for a guide to living a compassionate, wise and humane life, well then frankly you’ve got more chance of finding a lap dancing club in Mecca, or a virgin in a Catholic orphanage.
If this book is truly the word of a loving and merciful God, then all I can say is it’s a suicide note.
Although, I will admit it’s possible for the Bible to be used for good, of course it is. For example, if you were to take a nice thick hardback copy of the Bible, insert it sideways into George W. Bush’s born again anus, and then hammer it up there nice and tight with a very large mallet, that might do some good.
I’m no expert, but I really think it would do him good, and I also think it would greatly enhance America’s somewhat tarnished image abroad. You know it makes sense.
Finally, to all the Christians who have contacted me recently, quoting scripture and preaching Jesus – you know who you are. Yes please, by all means carry on preaching Jesus to me all you like, that’s fine. But if you’re not also imitating Jesus in your daily life then you might want to think about preaching something that’s more in line with your actual beliefs, and not your pretend ones, otherwise you could go a little crazy.
In other words, if you can’t practise what you preach, then at least have the decency to preach what you practise.
Well, those are just a few of the things I’ve got against religion. If anyone has any more stupid questions I’ll be happy to answer them as well. Peace.
4.
The Trouble with Islam
March 16, 2007
I’d like to say a few things about Islam, if I may.
Here in the UK religion was always pretty dormant until Muslims came along and started burning books, passing death sentences, and generally demanding special treatment for no good reason.
But they showed everyone else what can be achieved by bullying and intimidation, so now every crackpot in the country feels entitled to respect for their precious beliefs – beliefs often lifted wholesale from the ramblings of some ancient desert nomad with a psychological disorder.
It does seem quite ironic to me that the very people who have clearly made no attempt to think for themselves are always the most vocal in demanding respect for their “ideas”.
Some Muslims go further and claim they’re victimised in British society, but I don’t believe that’s true. I do think people are getting fed up with hearing about Muslims all the time, and they wish Muslims would just shut up and get on with their lives instead of constantly bellyaching about nothing. But that’s not the same as being vimised.
But, because we live in a liberal democracy, and therefore have certain double standards to maintain, any criticism of Islam or of Muslims draws the immediate accusation of Islamophobia, a dishonest word which seeks to portray legitimate comment as some kind of hate crime, when the truth is Islam has a chip on its shoulder the size of a mosque and it looks to take offence at every opportunity.
Some Muslims, it seems, are almost permanently offended about something or other. And yet you never hear a peep out of any of these people when some young Muslim girl is murdered for bringing dishonour upon her insane family. Suddenly everyone’s looking at the floor then.
They keep telling us that Islam is a religion of peace, but all the evidence says it’s a religion of war. Its holy book urges Muslims to conquer the world and subjugate everyone to the rule of God.
If Islam had its way elections would become a thing of the past, and the rest of us would be living in the past for the foreseeable future.
And some people are very keen to bring this situation about, especially these loud-mouthed rabble-rousing Islamic clerics who we always hear praising the suicide bombers as glorious martyrs. Yet curiously you never hear about any of these enthusiasts blowing themselves up for the glory of God. They’re always very keen to delegate that particular honour. Despite the guarantee of all those luscious virgins waiting for them in heaven, these guys are so selfless that they can always find somebody more deserving.
Of course, the whole seventy-two virgins scenario has become something of a comedy staple, and with good reason, but it does have one serious problem, and that is that the virgins are likely to be good wholesome Islamic virgins (because there won’t be any infidel riffraff in heaven) so presumably they’ll have brothers and cousins and uncles who are all determined to defend their honour by killing anyone who makes eye contact with them. They haven’t really thought this whole thing through, it seems to me. For this they blow themselves up? Wouldn’t it be easier just to get an inflatable woman and blow her up? And then if one of your friends happens to glance at her with lustful eyes, you can simply stone her to death and get another one in the usual way.
Also, I think Muslim women in Britain who cover their faces are mentally ill. I realise that in some parts of the world women don’t actually have any choice in this matter, governed as they are by primitive pigs whose only achievement in life is to be born with a penis in one hand and a Koran in the other. But it just seems to me that if God had intended you to cover your face then in his wisdom he would have provided you with a flap of skin for the purpose. Of course if it gave you any sexual pleasure it would have to be removed; that goes without saying.
But I don’t want to be too hard on Islam here for two reasons. Firstly, I don’t want to be murdered by some hysterical self-righteous carpet-chewing book-burning muppet with shit for brains.
And secondly, I think we do need to make allowances for Islam, because we have to remember that it is quite a young religion, so maybe right now it’s just going through a difficult age; a little headstrong, full of itself, thinks it knows all the answers – but I’m sure it will learn.
I thinears from now a lot of intelligent Muslims will be looking back all this medievalism and jihad nonsense with embarrassment and shame, like the Germans do with the Nazis, and maybe then we can all have a good laugh about it.
But in the meantime, I think any religion that demands earthly vengeance and retribution, for any reason, is not really a religion at all, but an illness, and should be trea
ted as such.
Peace, and I mean that most sincerely.
5.
What Do I Believe?
March 28, 2007
I’ve just had an e-mail from a Christian who says: “You’re very quick to mock other people’s beliefs, but what do you believe?”
It’s a fair question. I believe that if God exists he’s either insane or dead.
I believe that if you’ve got nothing but scripture between your ears, then you’ve got nothing between your ears.
I believe that if the Bible is the word of God, and if the Koran is the word of God, then God must have two words, and I believe I can guess what they are as well.
But then I believe you won’t find the truth in any book; you have to look within.
(I don’t know where that came from; I must have read it somewhere.)
I believe that the Holy Land is the most inappropriate place name in human history, with the possible exception of Sunderland’s Stadium of Light.
And I believe that Jesus Christ, if he ever existed, is dead, and he’s going to stay dead just like everybody else.
But if by some miracle he did come back, I believe he’d be embarrassed to be worshipped, ashamed of Christianity, and disgusted by Christians. Because I believe that telling someone they’ll burn forever in hell is a form of psychological assault which should be outlawed like any other nasty little hate crime.
I believe the Christian Church itself in particular is an evil carbuncle on the soul of humanity which is actively engaged in carrying out the express work of Satan.
And if you’re offended by this then that’s too bad, because I also believe that nobody has the right not to be offended, and anyone who thinks they do (holds up middle finger) can sit on this and swivel.
I believe there’s more spirituality in a single flower than in all the sanctimonious sky pilots who have ever lived. And that’s why I believe there should be a link between Church and state – all clergy should go to prison for fraud.
I believe that the only heaven you’ll ever know is right here on earth. And if you can’t see that, you are not really looking.
I believe that faith-based education is a social cancer which serves only to produce new generation of ignorant bigots, and I believe that indoctrinating children with this repressive medieval bullshit should be vigorously prosecuted as child abuse.
I believe that religious belief itself is a form of mental illness which has outstayed its welcome on this planet and should now be relegated back to the realm of tarot cards and crystal balls where it belongs.
If you have to worship something try worshipping something real, like the planet that gave you life, because it’s the best friend you ever had. And I believe it’s the only friend you will ever have. Peace.
6.
Happy Easter
April 5, 2007
Happy Easter, everyone. Yes, it’s that time of year again when we celebrate one of the oldest Christian traditions, the blood sacrifice.
Just as two thousand years ago God sent his son to die for our sins because he didn’t have the balls to do it himself, so Bush and Blair now send other people’s sons to die for their sins for much the same reason.
But this is not really a time for politics, is it? This is a very special week, as we know, because this week it’s all about the Easter bunny being nailed to a hot cross bun so that he can come back and redeem mankind at some point in the future.
It’s often said that Jesus could have saved himself, but he chose not to. And if you read the Gospels it’s clear he could have talked himself out of that crucifixion quite easily, but he was just too stubborn. The Romans didn’t really want to kill him at all, but in the end they went along with it because he was being such a prick about it.
The truth is he couldn’t wait to get up on that cross. In fact I think Christianity only exists because Jesus Christ just happened to be a masochist. I think he took one look at the hammer and nails and he couldn’t believe his luck. He thought: “In three days I’ll be in heaven, but until then I’m going to enjoy myself.”
Now this, of course, is just a theory, I want to emphasise that, because nobody knows what really happened. The Gospels are not eye-witness accounts. The evangelists never made it to the crucifixion. Couldn’t get tickets, I guess. Once they knew Mel Gibson was coming I’m sure everybody wanted to be there.
And, to be fair to him, he has made what is now probably the definitive movie on the Easter story – The Passion of the Christ, which, when it first came out, was subjected to quite a lot of criticism and abuse, mainly because it’s a cynical piece of gratuitous trash aimed at simple-minded born again plankton.
For this reason, though, it made a lot of money, so now some Hollywood studios get a panel of Christians to vet their movies before release to ensure they won’t offend any ignorant born again shitkickers who might happen to be watching. The future looks bright for American culture, wouldn’t you say? I wonder if years from now we’ll look back and say: Poor America, it could have saved itself, but it chose not to?
As for Jesus himself, well, every day for the last two thousand years he’s been on the verge of coming back to redeem us all, but he hasn’t actually shown up yet, and to be perfectly honest with you I’m not a bit surprised. Put yourself in his position. Would you come back if you were him? I wouldn’t, but then I wouldn’t have come in the first place, so I might be the wrong person to ask.
The only thing that bothers me about all this is that when Jesus does arrive to dispense his particular brand of justice he’s only going to save the people who believe in him, and the rest of us, the non-believers, will be consigned to the eternal flames of hellfire.
But where’s the justice there? Whatever happened to: “Do unto others as you would be done by” – or is that all being quietly forgotten now?
And how ironic, too, that I am now being victimised as a non-believer. I’m being persecuted for my beliefs, by Jesus Christ, the one person who you really would expect to know better. He could save me but he’s choosing not to. What a Judas.
Still, on the other hand nobody’s perfect, so I’ll forgive him. Why not? I’m in a good mood. It’s Easter. Peace.
7.
Absolute Certainty
April 13, 2007
Although I’m an atheist, I prefer to think of myself as an agnostic fundamentalist. In other words I don’t know, I don’t think anyone else knows either, and anyone who disagrees with me is a filthy infidel swine. I’m sorry about that last bit, but apparently those are the rules.
Of course it’s fun to speculate, and it’s been human nature ever since the first caveman watched an eagle soaring above the clouds and thought to himself: “I wonder what that tastes like. Might be nice with potatoes and gravy.”
We’ve always speculated about what might lie beyond the stars, an activity a bit like theology, only without all the cast iron certainties.
And it’s fun to speculate about the big questions like the meaning of life, because you never know, somebody might actually come up with the answer. So far nobody has, which would explain why there are so many expert opinions on the subject.
But there’s just something about human beings when it comes to the unknown, that we don’t seem able to just wonder about something and speculate creatively, maybe have a bit of fun with it. No, not us. Instead we like to decide beyond all possible doubt without a single shred of evidence. We prefer to nail our colours to the mast before we even know if there’s a ship attached to it, and often we’ll defend that position to the death. If that doesn’t qualify as serious mental illness I would love to be briefed on what exactly does qualify, and why.
It’s unfortunate that many people on this planet seem to believe the very first thing they’re told, and stick with it for the rest of their life.
Not only does it remain unexamined, but any attempt to challenge it is taken as a grievous insult.
Clearly those early few months and years of life are
a very sensitive time, and whatever ideas are imprinted into the soft putty of the unformed mind at that stage stay there pretty much forever.
And yet for some reason here in the civilised world it’s still perfectly legal for us to indoctrinate our children with the most hateful and divisive absurdities it would be possible to imagine (and imagine them we have), creating in them not young vibrant healthy inquiring minds, but rather stunted little freakish bonsai minds that are no use to anyone but a bloodsucking preacher.
We not only allow this abuse, we actively encourage it. We throw public money at it when we’d be better off subsidising the tobacco industry, because that does less harm. At least cigarettes carry a health warning. How about a mental health warning on the holy scriptures?
Especially now that, for the first time since the middle ages, faith and politics go together like sex and violence, only this time space-age weapons are controlled by stone-age minds, and right now, especially in the Middle East, things are shaping up quite nicely to blow us all to kingdom come. Except that no kingdom is going to come, because this is the kingdom. It has already come, and we’re already living the dream.
Religion knows this, but it doesn’t want us to know it, because then it would no longer have any reason to exist. So instead it seeks to place itself, to position itself, between us and our experience. A self-appointed filter. A parasite.
Now maybe that’s OK with you. Maybe you’re fine with that because maybe you don’t want experience. Maybe you prefer dreams. Maybe you want your head to go to that special place where God wreaks vengeance on anyone whose lifestyle you don’t personally happen to approve of, and where Jesus strokes you like a puppy dog. Well, if that’s the case then you might as well take drugs, because you’re already on the most dangerous drug there is.
Absolute certainty is a drug that can make people do the strangest things. It’s the devil’s drug, and you don’t want to be around anyone who’s on that stuff, because they’re no longer in control. You can see it in their eyes, the drug is controlling them, so that suddenly no action is too callous or too spiteful or too cruel to be justified.