‘It seems you are forcing yourself, like you are under some burden to … to …’ But Simi didn’t finish what she wanted to say.
‘No, yaar. I am just overwhelmed with all the preparations for the engagement and then it’ll start all over again for the wedding,’ Tia said, telling what was only half the truth.
‘No worries, Tia. Now that Simi is here, she’s at your disposal. We’ll do all the arrangements fatafat!’ Simi said sweetly.
‘Arrey, what do you know about America? How will you help me? Best would be that you just tag along with me wherever I go,’ Tia said matter-of-factly, but Simi felt she was being rude.
Really what do I know about America? Tia is right!
Just then Hari stirred in the bedroom and was mumbling something. Tia sighed a very frustrated sigh and slammed her coffee cup down on the table.
‘I’ll wash them,’ Simi said picking it up.
‘No, leave it. Let’s go to sleep.’ Tia decided it was time for both of them to turn in.
Simi walked into her room and flopped onto the bed. She still couldn’t sleep and was tossing and turning. She switched on the table lamp and looked for something to read. She saw a thin book entitled 1001 Ways To Keep Your Woman Happy and on the first page an inscription written by Tia:
To dear Hari, Please read and apply to our lives. — Yours, Tia.
Below which was scribbled in different color ink:
To dear Tia, Thank you, but no thank you. — Everyone’s, Hari.
She smiled and started reading it.
This is so nice; my own bed, my own space, so quiet and un-encroached. There is so much privacy here.
But no sooner had she read the first page than she heard an argument coming from Tia’s bedroom. Although she couldn’t hear the exact words she could make out that Tia was extremely upset and Hari was hardly getting a chance to speak. Simi was completely distracted, and unsure what her role here would call for her to do. The voices got louder. Simi got up from the bed and gradually went towards Tia’s room. She had no intention of putting her ear to the door and listening, and was simply contemplating what to do next, when Tia burst through the door. She was still swearing at Hari when she saw Simi in the dim light. She lost it again.
‘What’re you doing here? Listening to us fight?’ she exploded at Simi.
‘No, Didi, I was just …’ Simi couldn’t even finish what she was saying before Tia continued to pile into her.
‘Simi, listen, this is America. People expect privacy here. I know you are not used to privacy in our home, but here you have to give space to others. Everybody is an adult here, OK?’
Simi was hurt, but maybe she was in the wrong here.
‘And don’t call Mom and tell her all the sordid details,’ Tia screamed at her. ‘She might just get happy seeing me unhappy.’
‘Don’t say that, Tia. You’re just angry.’ Simi maintained her calm.
‘Don’t try to patronize me, Sim. Just … just go to bed and leave me alone,’ Tia said, already pouring herself a glass of wine.
‘Just tell me what happened, na?’ Simi tried one more time and that was all it took for Tia to break down and hug her.
‘I am scared, Sim. I have never been scared in my life, but I am scared that I am committing to this lifelong relationship and I am angry at myself because I think he is not as committed to me,’ she said, not letting go of Simi.
Simi took the initiative and sat her down.
‘See, Didi, admittedly I am no expert when it comes to men, but Hari seems to be a very genuine person. It’s obvious that he really loves you.’
‘I know he loves me, Simi, but I wonder if he’s committed enough. Marriage needs lots of effort and the way things in our relationship are going it seems I am doing all the work and he is doing all the fun stuff.’ It seemed as if Tia was talking to herself.
‘But you only asked that Gori dancer to give him that … that …’
‘Lap dance! I know, what was I thinking? He was calling me Bugs Bunny in his sleep. Asshole!’ Tia suddenly found a team member in Simi, or so she thought.
‘Arrey, first you let an almost naked woman dance with Hari and then you get angry with him,’ Simi asked with all her Nagpurian wisdom. ‘If I were you, I would never let any woman near him.’
‘You don’t understand, Simi, it’s a very American thing. It’s like a tradition for men to have a bachelor party. I am not angry because he danced with her, I am angry because … because … you know, Simi …’
‘Because you love him, na, issliye?’ Simi said trying to be supportive.
‘No, because I have given up so many things for him. So, so many things. Places, relationships, people, experiences, I just wish he would acknowledge that. That he would be thoughtful. But he is like a seesaw. One day he is fine, then the next day he is a complete jerk,’ Tia vented in one breath.
I am stressing out doing all the work and he gets to dance with naked women.
Even in America, even in this day and age, even with the traditions, (all conveniently started by men by the way) there was just too much disparity between how women and men were seen. While Hari simply got to enjoy his bachelor party Tia had to act as if she was OK with it and to be the open-minded, secure woman that everyone expected. But she didn’t want to discuss — or admit — this with Simi. She wanted to maintain the Disneyland America image for her.
She wouldn’t understand. Simi doesn’t know men like I do.
Meanwhile the long pause was making Simi nervous.
‘Tia, look, you love him, na? And he loves you, na? Then why complicate things? If he doesn’t want to do any work for the engagement, don’t push him. You do the ceremony the way you want. That way, if he asks why you did something, you can tell him because he was not there for the planning.’
Simi had no idea what she was blabbering about. But something about what she said touched Tia.
‘You’re right! Sometimes I complicate things by over analyzing. I am as drunk as Hari now, so I am going to go to sleep now. If you feel hungry, there’s food in the refrigerator. Just don’t slam the refrigerator door too hard, like we do in India. It’s brand new!’ Tia could be condescending and she could disguise it as being caring very well. She was too good at it for Simi to suspect.
As Tia sashayed into her bedroom, Simi nodded quietly and walked back to her room like a reprimanded child.
‘If the bed is a rockin’, don’t come knocking,’ Tia said gleefully, just before shutting her bedroom door.
Simi smiled. She had no idea what that meant, but she was about to find out and moments later she could hear Tia and Hari moaning and groaning. That turned into grunting and swearing and sure enough, she could hear the bed rocking. She was totally creeped out thinking about her sister having sex next door to her. She was scared stiff, and strangely excited, as she lay there staring at the ceiling. She distracted herself by thinking
What kind of bullshit advice was I giving to Tia? I haven’t got a clue how I can help and what was she even talking about! I mean if she is having sex with him how mad can she still be with him?
By the time the bedroom noises had stopped Simi had fallen asleep.
Next afternoon — Tia’s apartment
When Simi woke up the next day it was already one-thirty in the afternoon. She sat bolt upright in her bed and jumped to her feet. It took her several seconds to realize that she was not in her home in Nagpur, that she didn’t have to rush to the bathroom and take a bath before the rationed water supply shutoff for the morning and that she didn’t have to heat the milk, or make the tea, and the bread toast, and have it ready for her mother who by that time would be finishing her puja.
I am in America, Simi realized as she walked out into the living room and suddenly came across Hari, wearing nothing else but his crumpled boxer shorts. He was on the phone and when he saw her, instead of being embarrassed, he just waved and proceeded to scratch his balls as if she was not even in the room, let alone thr
ee feet away from him.
Gawd, he looks so unclean. All hairy chest with chicken legs like toothpicks, and what’s with all that scratching? Hasn’t he bathed after last night’s s-e-x?
Simi was totally turned off by this guy.
‘Hi, Simi. Welcome to America!’ Hari said after he had finished his call, casually wishing her a welcome in the most unwelcoming way while scratching his armpit.
‘Hi, Jiju,’ Simi replied as she closed her robe tight, avoiding staring at him.
And then … they had nothing to talk about … for a long and awkward moment.
‘I am going to take a bath! Where’s Didi?’ Simi blurted out.
‘She’s gone out to get lunch for us.’ Hari was still not done with his scratching, but had thankfully moved it up to his head now.
‘Dandruff.’ Simi said impulsively.
‘What?’ Hari asked.
‘Uh … I’ll finish my bath!’ Simi said hurriedly.
‘So, is Simi short for something?’ Hari asked as if this question had been on his mind for the longest time.
‘Your name? Is it short for something?’ he asked again.
‘No. Just Simi’ She couldn’t believe that Hari was acting like they’d never met.
‘I’ll just take a bath till Didi comes.’ Simi was lost again.
‘You want me to draw the water for you?’ Hari asked as he put on a pot of coffee.
Draw water? How? How will he draw water?
‘Should I fill up the bathtub for you?’ he asked again, explaining what he meant.
‘What? No. I am fine.’ Simi rushed into her bedroom and closed the door.
For the next forty minutes she would struggle to “draw water” into the bathtub. There was only one lever and she was sure it was the key to the whole operation, but no matter how many variations she tried she couldn’t make the water come out of the lower tap. It just kept pouring out of the overhead shower. She was exhausted trying. During the entire struggle all she could think about was Hari’s strange question.
How dare he? I should have asked him what Hari is short for? Tch, these things never occur to me at the right time!
She ended up taking a quick shower. If her first eighteen hours in the U.S. were any indication she was in for an action-packed month. But Simi had no idea how action-packed it was really going to be, yet.
Over the next couple of days
Tia seemed to be coping much better. She was relaxed, not so wound up and was laughing again. Tia subconsciously knew that having Simi with her had given her a strange and unexpected confidence, but she would never acknowledge it. She had also taken Simi’s advice in her stride and had let Hari off the hook for shirking the arrangements for the engagement. Tia had also delegated her work beautifully at the office so that her evenings were open to hand out invitations. And her nights were free so she could hang out with Simi.
She had already introduced Simi to Mary, Barry and the family. They had taken an instant liking to her. The first time they met at Hari’s place, Simi was awestruck with the coolness of the entire Malhotra clan. She witnessed Tia being herself in front of her in-laws, cracking jokes — sometimes adult jokes. Tia was also cool with Badi Mama and Nana, whom she thought were simply adorable.
I wish I could adopt both of them.
She would later gush to Tia about landing such a cool family as in-laws, equating it to Tia winning the lottery.
‘Teri toh jaise lottery nikal gayi hai!’
One day Tia, Simi and Hari drove around Los Angeles hand delivering their invitation cards, mostly to Barry’s closest friends and business associates. Lots of them were Indians. Tia and Hari would joke that ‘Next up is an Indian family we are visiting, make sure your socks are not torn or stinky!’
Tia would have to explain that unlike in India guests are not expected to remove their footwear at the door, unless of course it was an Indian family, then they have to. Hence the socks joke.
Simi was enjoying sightseeing various touristy places Tia and Hari would stop by to let her look at.The blue waters of the Pacific Ocean amazed her and she was also fascinated by the fact that when the cars on the road heard an ambulance siren they would all slow down and part ways like the Red Sea to let it pass! The ambulance would then race past them zweep with sirens blaring woo-woo, honk-honk.
One time, when Tia and Simi were on Highway 101 near the Encino Mountains, there was an accident ahead. Soon the CHP — California Highway Patrol — cars showed up out of nowhere and a few minutes later had moved all the traffic onto the hard shoulder of the road. Then a helicopter landed right on the freeway and airlifted the victim off.
‘That’s the air ambulance,’ Tia told Simi proudly. ‘See how much value they have for human life?’
Simi was impressed. Back home, she had seen private cars competing and racing and honking to get the ambulance out of their way.
The next day was a working day and everyone had gone to the office, so Mary took Simi to the Universal Studios. She was like a six-year-old girl, doing all the rides — some of them multiple times — watching all the fun shows, and taking pictures with Micky and Minnie Mouse. Simi realized that she felt so comfortable being herself in front of Mary that it was as if Mary was her own mother.
A day later, it was October 31st.
‘Tomorrow is Halloween. We are going to get you a costume and then we are going to party,’ Tia excitedly announced to Simi.
‘Halloween? Is it like a fancy dress party?’ Simi feigned excitement only because Tia was so excited about it.
‘No, well yes, I mean it is a one big party. Kids dress up in different costumes and go to houses asking for candy. Adults dress up to party. It’s something to do with celebrating dead people, its fun.’
‘Celebrate dead people?’
‘Yes, yes, but don’t worry about it. It’s not a depressing thing. It’s a very American thing, a celebration.’ Tia closed the discussion mainly because she had no further knowledge of Halloween beyond being an adult and as such being qualified to party all night on the day.
Simi nodded.
Jenny and Phil, and Chitthi and Cindy had all come over to Tia’s place dressed in elaborate costumes. Phil was a pirate, Jenny was a damsel-in-distress while Chitthi was, naturally, dressed as Dracula. Cindy was Marlyn Monroe and she looked exactly like the legendary starlet. Tia dressed up as a vampire and Hari was a sadhu.
They all decided that Simi should go as Tinkerbell.
Simi and Jenny had bonded like long-lost soulmates. Jenny wouldn’t stop gushing about how pretty Simi looked dressed up as Tinkerbell, much to Tia’s annoyance.
‘She looks good in that costume because she is plump!’ Tia said. ‘She fills out the costume!’
But overall it was good. Simi learned the real meaning of painting the town red. They drove to Westwood — a “boys town” as it was called because, as she would learn, it was mostly gay and lesbian communities living there and on Halloween night they all poured out onto the main street, Santa Monica Boulevard, for a free-for-all parade.
Simi felt like she was in a comic book; everyone was dressed in costumes and so much thought, effort and enthusiasm must have been involved that this Nagpur girl didn’t even think of their sexuality and she saw them as people just like her. They were friendly, warm and so much fun.
Meanwhile, Jenny and Cindy took it upon themselves to have Simi taste every type of alcohol under the sun. Of course, Tia was keeping a close eye on her, and on Hari.
‘Don’t get her drunk like Hari. One Hari in my life is enough!’ to which everyone pooh-poohed her.
‘Oh get off your high horse, Tia,’ they said. ‘Let the man breathe and live a little!’
Simi tasted all kinds of cuisines and didn’t eat anything normal that night. She had oysters (ewee), snails (yuck), Octopus soup (vomit), crab (OK), lobster (yumm), tuna in olive oil (like upama in olive oil) and various dishes with chicken and fish. She stopped at beef. No beef.
They
had done the rounds of all the legendary bars in West Los Angeles like O’Hara’s, Barnies Beanery, The Parlor, The Whiskey … and then she stopped trying to remember the names. She had tasted every kind of alcohol as promised by J.C. (Jenny & Cindy had by now being addressed together as J.C.). Although she was experimenting with her drinks and food, Simi was smart and cautious enough not to overdo it so she was just the right amount of giggly drunk and burpy stuffed. They drove back at almost five in the morning. She had never had so much fun in her life.
Ever.
Everyone else agreed. No one expected Tia’s little sister from India — on her first foreign trip — to be so open and willing, and social, and without any hang-ups. She was so much fun to be around. Simi was all giggles accepting the compliments, but truly she was just being herself. Maybe she had never had the opportunity to express herself in such an abandoned and free manner before, that’s all.
Hari crashed at Tia’s place again that night.
He’s probably never in a condition to go home to his parents.
That night Simi knew the bed was rockin’ next door but she was too pleased with herself to be creeped out this time. Still in a festive mood she did try to be funny with ‘You two, leave something for after the wedding!’ but then she realized she was whispering … to herself … and laughing at her own joke. It was time to go to sleep. She giggled some more and went off to sleep. The last thought that crossed her mind before the snoring started was I love America. I could live here!
The next day — Minto’s office
Tia had brought Simi along for her final meeting with Minto at the Malibu West Beach Hotel. When Simi saw the place she half jokingly and half seriously asked Tia:
‘How much money do you make, Didi?’
Tia had avoided answering her but did threaten her.
‘Simi, if you call me Didi one more time, I am going to put you on a plane back to India before you can even begin to say sorry.’
‘Oh. Sorry.’
Simi was on the open deck looking at the beach and the ocean.
When Hari Met His Saali Page 18