How blessed am I? He thought as he went off to sleep with a naughty, silly grin on his face, his dear mobile phone next to his head, like a child sleeping with his favorite teddy bear.
It was not like he wasn’t conscious of the engagement ceremony. He was definitely thinking about the time he was going to spend with Tia in the wedding suite at the hotel. The way Tia had gushed about it he was sure it was going to be a memorable night. All he had to do now was not get drunk at the ceremony.
Since Simi had arrived, it had become the norm for her and Tia to sit up late at night chatting. They had shared everything with each other — past, present, future, even their fears and ambitions. Both had been glad to have each other to talk to; after all, blood is thicker than water. But tonight was the first time they had gone to sleep without having a chat.
7
Tia and Hari’s Much Awaited Engagement
The next morning Simi woke up refreshed. She was still waking up like she used to in Nagpur; ready to fill the water buckets, heat the milk and everything, but now she was becoming American. She was starting her day with a curse.
‘Holy shit! Why doesn’t anybody wake me up here?’
This morning she even blurted out: ‘Oh fuck, Tia’s engagement is today.’ She felt alive, being able to say such words.
When she rushed out into the living room she saw a Post-it note from Tia. It said:
Gone to the hotel. Will see you at the venue. Wish me luck — Tia.
Simi had the house to herself. She was determined that today she was going to win the battle with the bathtub and actually have a lingering bath. With determination she went back to her bedroom.
Meanwhile at Malibu Beach Club
Tia had arrived with three large suitcases of clothes, make-up and everything else at the bridal room at the Malibu West Beach Club.
Usually for a six p.m. event the bridal room was made available at around noon. Six hours was enough time for any bride to get ready. But Tia was here now, at six-thirty a.m., almost twelve hours before her ceremony. The hotel staff scrambled around and called Minto, who was not surprised that it was Tia waking him up so early.
As Tia impatiently waited with her suitcases, the room was finally opened and she was let in. She swiftly, and with military precision, went into action. She stuck her Getting Ready schedule onto the mirror. It was broken down according to what she needed to do every hour in order to be ready on time by six-fifteen p.m.
At six-thirty p.m. a hotel car would drive her to the front gate of the property where she would get into the limousine Hari would arrive in.
At six forty-five p.m. sharp they would make their joint entrance into the banquet room.
She had one errand to run at around noon but other than that Tia thought she probably had enough time to look like the most beautiful bride … at her engagement!
Over at Tia’s place, Simi was ready in her sari. She had struggled with the six yards of that sari like a WWE wrestler, but finally managed to get it on properly. She thought she looked OK in it, but today was not her day so she discarded the thought of changing into her designer dress. At least this way she could make her mother happy.
Tia’s gift was wrapped and ready. Everything was on time except that it was four p.m. and no one had come to pick her up. According to Tia’s schedule, Simi should have been at the club by now. She thought of calling Hari or Tia, but didn’t because she did not want to disturb them.
An hour later, by which time she had sweated bullets in her sari because she thought everyone had forgotten about her, she finally called Mary.
Two hours later — Malibu Beach Club
When Simi finally reached the venue she went straight to see Tia in the bridal room, but Joe was keeping a guard outside the door.
‘Sorry, Ma’am, I have been instructed not to allow anyone into the room,’ he told Simi strictly.
‘Please tell her that her sister is here. I just want to see how pretty she looks?’ Simi pleaded.
Joe knocked on the door to check and when Tia saw Simi all she wanted to ask her was:
‘How do I look? How do I look?’
‘Wow Tia, you look absolutely gorgeous!’ Simi said, noticing that Jenny was in the room with Tia.
‘But Tia, what happened to the dress you were originally going to wear?’ Simi said, noticing that Tia was wearing a different colored dress.
‘If Hari is wearing a black tuxedo then I am going to wear this. I went to Nordstrom and brought it this afternoon. Isn’t it pretty?’ Tia gushed.
Simi saw how happy Tia was and just nodded. Her original cream dress was lying crumpled on the bed. Simi also noticed that Tia had put an elaborate mehendi on both of her hands. It was not on Tia’s schedule. What Simi didn’t know was that Tia wanted to be the only one with mehendi and had it done secretly. Simi would have loved to have the henna on her hands, as any sister to the bride would, but she didn’t want to make a fuss and just admired it.
It looks so good on her fair skin.
‘OK, we’ll see you later!’ Tia said, rushing Simi out of the room and shutting the door on her.
Simi felt a little neglected because Tia didn’t even mention her sari or how she looked at all. Also, she had let Jenny stay in the room, but not her. But she took it in her stride, reminding herself that it was not her day today.
Just before six p.m. — Banquet Hall
The banquet hall was filling up with guests. DJ Shameless was keeping the mood lively. Wine was being served and appetizers were being gorged on already. Simi was sitting with Badi Mama and Nana. They both looked so pretty in their Punjabi suits and with a little make-up on. She thought they were so happy to see Hari get engaged, but mostly they were happy to be having wine with no moaning from Mary or Barry.
The only people Simi knew at the ceremony apart from Hari’s family were Chitthi, Cindy and Phil, but she couldn’t mingle with them as Mary had deposited her purse, her bag, her house keys and her car keys with her and she was responsible for their safety. So she sat there with the grannies as the others mingled around.
Exactly at six-fifteen p.m.
Tia was driven to the front gate of the club to get into the limousine Hari was waiting in. But when she got into the back seat of the car she saw that Hari was wearing a tuxedo, but not a black tuxedo like they decided. He was wearing a cream one.
‘Hari, what the hell?’ were Tia’s first words.
‘What? Don’t I look handsome in this? I even gelled my hair!’ Hari announced innocently.
‘No! You were going to wear a black tuxedo and that’s why I went this afternoon and got this green dress to match it! Why are you wearing a cream one now?’ Tia was almost having a nervous breakdown.
‘Tia dear, I wanted to wear a black one, but you fought with me last night and said that you had a cream dress to go with a cream tux, so I went and rented this one,’ Hari couldn’t see what the problem was, yet.
‘Now our outfits are horribly mismatched! Why didn’t you tell me you were switching colors? Oh my God … its too late for me to change back into the original dress I was going to …’ Tia wanted to cry but she used all her might not to let the tears flow down her face.
She was worried that her make-up would be ruined.
Same time — Banquet Hall
DJ Shameless asked everyone to take their assigned seats. Simi moved away from Mary’s table and sat at the one assigned to her. Next to her was a throne-like chair for Tia. Mary, Barry, Badi Mama, Nana were on another table. Next to them was a similar throne-like chair where Hari would sit. Hari’s friends Chitthi, Cindy and Phil were on a table with Stephan and Clara.
Simi looked around the hall. Everyone was waiting for the grand entry of Tia and Hari. Minto had just rolled in the three-tier cake with the help of waiters the serving staff (Tia had reprimanded Simi many times for referring to waiters as waiters; they should be called servers. In America that was the norm. It was more respectful).
The cake lo
oked colorful and was so perfect that it looked plastic. She couldn’t wait to taste it. The cutlery, the tablecloths, the napkins, the plates were spotless. There were freshly cut flowers on each table.
It was like a high-profile celebrity event, with Minto and his staff moving around with secret-service-style communication devices in their ears and on their sleeves. Minto got the message that Tia and Hari were going to enter. He signaled to Shameless, stationed at the other end of the hall on a dais.
‘And now, ladies and gentlemen,’ the DJ announced, ‘the hero and heroine of tonight: Tia and Haaari!’
Everyone stood up clapping as they looked towards the door.
The lights were dimmed and a spotlight shone on the entrance.
The anticipatory music was playing. Everyone waited for the grand arrival.
A moment later Hari entered leading Tia with his hand. One look at Tia, flashing a brilliant smile (which she had practiced in the mirror for months and so much that she came to the conclusion that her right profile photographed better and hence the photographers and videographers were asked to be on that side of her) and Simi became emotional.
Tia looked even more beautiful than when she had seen her in the bridal room, if that was even possible. Simi discreetly wiped her tears.
A little girl — whom Tia had handpicked from the many potential granddaughters of Mary’s family friends — advanced towards Tia and Hari with a bouquet of yellow roses. When she reached them she was supposed to hand them over to Tia to welcome her, but Hari (because he was not there at the rehearsals) bent down to receive the flowers. Tia, even though all eyes were on them, pinched his arm discreetly to indicate that the flowers were meant for her. She still acted surprised to receive the bouquet. She even pinched the little girl’s cheeks. She had the whole thing rehearsed so that it looked natural and unrehearsed.
As they walked towards their tables Tia had to pull Hari in the right direction. He had no clue where she was supposed to be sitting.
Damn it Hari, don’t ruin it. Sit me down first and then go to your chair.
Hari got the hint and sat Tia down on the chair next to Simi. Since Tia had only Simi from her family, the two sisters were the only ones at their table.
Once Tia and Hari were seated on their respective thrones, the clapping stopped and everybody sat down again. Simi squeezed Tia’s hands.
‘Tia, you look absolutely amazing!’ to which Tia curtly replied: ‘Did you see Hari? He rented a tuxedo, he is looking like a joker!’
Tia was more concerned about whether Shameless was adhering to the program and timelines she had given him. He was doing well so far.
A little later
The entertainment program concluded with a short dance show by some children. Mary and her friends had choreographed it. Tia hated it, of course, and couldn’t wait for it to be over.
Look at all those moms taking videos of their kids with their stupid smartphones. Put them down, nobody watches that shit. It’s so lame.
At the end of the dance DJ Shameless had an announcement.
‘Now we have a surprise performance by none other than Tia’s sister, Simi!’
Tia spun her head around to look at Simi. This was not part of her scheduled program. Everyone was clapping as Simi stood up and walked to the dais. Shameless handed her the microphone.
‘Please, please do not embarrass me!’ Tia muttered to herself as she closed her eyes.
‘I just want to sing a few lines from a Hindi song for Tia,’ Simi said into the microphone, but was holding it too far away from her mouth. Shameless brought it up closer to her.
Simi would surprise everyone, including Tia, with her rendition of the old but famous sister song.
‘Phoolon ka taaron ka, sabaka kehana hai. Ek hazaaron mein meri behanaa hai. Sari, umar, hamen sang rehana hai … Phoolon …’
Hari had casually moved over to Chitthi’s table and was drinking and doing shots with them. Tia was watching his movements like a hawk.
Simi had secretly practiced this song since she came from Nagpur and she gave it her all during the live performance. Even though the song wasn’t familiar to many its emotional lyrics, coupled with the feeling in her voice, touched everyone’s heart. Even Tia had tears in her eyes. Simi held hers back until she finished the song. At the end she got a standing ovation.
Simi walked back to the table and hugged Tia.
After the song, Shameless was ready to introduce Xavier.
‘For the final performance of the night, I invite the mysterious illusionist and hypnotist, all the way from India … Miiiister Xaaaaaavier!’
Xavier appeared wearing a long robe, large fake rings and pendants around his neck. He was old but he had the presence of a seasoned performer. He had done these shows thousands of times. He started his set with a couple of humorous lines.
‘You know, I get invited to the events where people are getting married, are getting engaged, are celebrating their anniversaries and such. And they invite me mostly because the couple doesn’t want to be left alone. It’s dangerous.’
He got a few laughs for that one, so he continued.
‘You know, marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.’ For this, he got plenty of laughs.
‘But I’ll tell you this, the secret to a happy marriage is …’ he paused to build anticipation.
‘… is still a secret. There hasn’t been a single happy marriage to date, so nobody knows!’ he concluded to much applause.
As Xavier went on, over at Chitthi’s table the liquor shots were free flowing. Chitthi was the only one listening to Xavier.
‘Who’s this guy? These are old Internet jokes.’
‘Tia found him from somewhere,’ Hari answered, downing his fifth shot.
‘Slow down, Hari,’ Jenny warned, smiling at Hari.
‘Hey, it’s all Tia’s show, I am just a spectator here,’ Hari spurted out. The tinge of sadness in his voice was not lost to his friends.
Then Xavier called an elderly couple up to the dais.
‘How long have you been married, Sir?’ he asked the man.
‘Umm … forty-five years,’ the elderly husband replied.
‘You could’ve just said too long!’ Xavier replied.
Again the guests laughed. Xavier then put a pair of large headphones onto the elderly man’s head.
‘These are soundproof headphones, now he can’t hear us,’ he told the audience, moving the elderly wife next to him.
‘Sir, are you happy because finally you can’t hear your wife talking?’ he asked the man animatedly.
The elderly man couldn’t hear a word, but saw everyone laughing and so he nodded.
‘He looks too happy,’ Xavier said to the wife. ‘I am going to hypnotize him and then he’ll do whatever I tell him to do, and he’ll keep doing it until I use the release word and snap my fingers. Now, what would you like your husband to do?’
‘Now?’ asked the elderly wife.
‘Yes now, of course now, we have a show going on here woman. Now, since he is so happy he can’t hear you, make him do something he usually doesn’t do and make him miserable.’
‘Will he remember it afterwards?’ she asked.
The audience laughed.
‘He won’t remember exactly what he did but he will remember he did something,’ Xavier explained.
‘He should dance. When he was younger, he used to dance a lot,’ the wife replied.
‘Maybe he should do a crazy dance?’ Xavier said. She nodded.
Xavier removed the headphones from the elderly man’s head.
‘Sir, look at my finger,’ he said, and started moving his finger as if he was giving him an eye exam.
‘Now, now … four … three … two … one … Galimonto!’ Xavier said and snapped his fingers.
The old man shook his head and went into a daze. He was under Xavier’s spell.
‘Sir, please do a crazy dance,’ Xavier asked him polite
ly while walking away from him. He also moved elderly wife to clear out the dance area.
The elderly man started shaking a leg and really getting in the groove. The whole room erupted in applause. This was like watching America’s Favorite Home Videos where people fall painfully but the audience enjoys it because it is another person’s misery.
The elderly man was really dancing energetically and without any apprehensions. Even his wife was amazed.
‘Bas, OK, OK, he’ll have a heart attack!’ the elderly wife pleaded.
‘Will that be a bad thing I ask you as his wife?’ Xavier pretended like he was not going to release the man from his spell.
‘Please. Stop him!’ she pleaded again.
Xavier went to the man and snapped his fingers and said the release word.
‘Orramus.’
The elderly man instantly came out of the spell and was looking around confused as to why everyone was laughing at him. And why he was suddenly huffing and puffing.
As the lady took her husband back to their table, Xavier warned ‘Ma’am, do not try this at home. The release word is different each time. You will get tired of him dancing around here and I’ll be in India by that time, unable to help you!’
Everyone was having fun and enjoying the show. After the clapping had subsided, the lights were dimmed and only a bright spotlight illuminated Xavier as he called out to Tia.
‘Now, for the last and final act, I call the center of everyone’s attention, Tia and Hari, to the dais!’
Tia had been waiting for this moment. The spotlight shifted onto her. She got up and elegantly walked up to Xavier. Everyone clapped.
Hari wiped his mouth with a napkin, which didn’t help his already bloodshot eyes, and walked to the dais while dancing to the music. He was all for fun and games and this was right up his street.
‘Hello, Tia,’ Xavier said. ‘We know that you are getting engaged today to Hari, the man of your life. Now, I want to ask you one question and I expect the answer to be totally honest.’
Tia nodded. This was NOT rehearsed nor was Tia aware of what was going to happen next. Xavier put the large headphones onto Hari’s head. He could smell the liquor on Hari’s breath.
When Hari Met His Saali Page 20