~slice!~
“Aye-rRark!”
“Ha, ha! He didn’t like that, Big Nick! Uh oh, there he goes! Jackie the Spring-Heeled Stripper’s getting away! He’s scampering up the side of that building, clinging to the crenelated brickwork.”
“He’ll not escape me, Dipsy!”
“Ha, ha! Go get him, Nichodimus!”
“Stand by! Trajectory plotted! Spring compression torques, calculated! Activating heel coil dynamics,... now!”
~SPROING!~
“Ahhhhhh!”
~Kuh-Burge!~
“Nicky, are you alright? That was a tremendous impact with that building. Ha, ha! You’ve left a six foot diameter hole in its brick wall, but you missed your stripper. He has leaped to the building directly opposite you!”
“What, he has? Stand still, you horrible beast! Look what you made me do. This is a terrible mess. I’ll put a stop to you!”
~SPROING!~
“Ahhhhhh!”
~Kuh-Burge!~
“Ha, ha! That little monkey is too quick for you, Nichodimus! He’s already jumped back across and now scrambles up to the roof. Don’t just stand there, poking your gaping gorm from another ruined building, get him Nicky!”
“Roight, Dipsy! By thunder, you’ll pay for this mess, Dr. Ickle. These costly repairs are all your fault. I’ve got you now, you fiend!”
~SPROING!~
“Ahhhhhh!”
~Kuh-Burge!~
“Hah. I’ve got you trapped now, Dr. Ickle. You are under arrest. There is no escape from this rooftop.”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“Blast it, quit attempting to elude arrest! Leaping to the next rooftop will only prolong the inevitable. With my incandesco-ray goggles, I can see you, even in this shadowy maze.”
~SPROING!~
“Ahhhhhh!”
~Kuh-Burge!~
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“Don’t you dare leap to another rooftop!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“I told you not to do that! I also told you that you are under arrest, now behave yourself! Bah. I’ll not let you escape, you villain!”
~SPROING!~
“Ahhhhhh!”
~Kuh-Burge!~
“Got you!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“I’ve got you, Dr. Ickle! Struggle all you like, there is no escape. Resistance is futile! My bear-hug is as strong as a dozen octopi! Your hands are bound up in front of you and you can’t use them! I just can’t quite bring my claws to bear without releasing my crushing grip. Surrender, Dr. Ickle, the jig is up and the piper is come calling.”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“Very well, then, you leave me no alternative. I must again engage my ‘Hell Flame’ breath attachment, eh? Face to face, eh? One admittedly ruggedly handsome face, to one face of deplorable depravity. With mad, red eyes rolling, coarse hair growing in every conceivable direction, long, yellow teeth, and vulgar fangs, you are the essence of unappealing. Good manners forbear me from mentioning your unfortunate breath. You must possess a remarkably small brain in that sloped skull of yours. The sooner I rid the world of your presence the better. Oh yes, that reminds me, the incendiary attachment. Now then, Dr. Ickle, on behalf of London, I say to you, Justice is Served!”
~psss-huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~
“Hunh? What’s wrong? The Hell Flames didn’t go ‘hwaurrrr’. Hah. I see. Though your hands are bound up tightly under your chin, you have just enough reach in your long fingers to reach the operational end of the flaming mechanism. You are interfering with my ignition switch! That’s why I’m getting no flame! Why are you holding your top hat in front of the nozzle? Are you trying to capture the gas? I shall snap my head away and quickly engage the igniter before you can take it in your tenuous grip.”
~psss-huh-WAURRR-
BOOOSH!!!~
“Yipe! Yipe! Yipe! I am engulfed by flame! The captured gas in the top hat exploded in a massive fireball all around me! Oh, that hurt! Hah. There, I think I’m all right, now. Oh, drat, I have dropped my prisoner. Dr. Ickle has escaped!”
Chapter Six.
Mutiny.
“Good morning, ladies and gents, how about a ‘round of papers to go with your breakfast?”
“Ha, ha! Bobbie, Louie, and Steven’s son! Ha, ha, good morning, lads. We’ll buy your papers, but there’ll be another nice tip if you can sing us a little something to go along with them, eh?”
“Oh, yes, Miss Jigglemire, we know just the thing. Give us a rhythm, Mr. Icky!”
“Okey dokey boys, how’s this?”
“Hmm!
hmm, hmm, hmm.
Hmm!
hmm, hmm, hmm.”
His abominations are an awful lark,
our doggies are afraid to bark.
Stingy with suture,
a generous butcher,
his victims fill every bench of our Parks.
“Ha, ha! That’s lovely boys, give us another!”
“Anything for you, Miss Jigglemire! Keep it coming, Ichabod!”
“Hmm, hmm,
hmm, hmm,
“Hmm, hmm,
hmm, hmm.”
He greases his pans with a gruesome lard,
horror tales sung by minstrel and bard.
Police run in rings,
though mounted on springs,
and Jackie makes a fool of Scotland Yard.
“What did you say?!”
“Ha, ha, easy there, Nichodimus, they were just having a spot of fun. Go on, boys, I bet there’s another bit, isn’t there?”
“You can bet your sweet assets on that, Miss Jigglemire! Hit it, Mr. Temps!”
“Hmm. Hmm.
Hmm. Hmm.
Hmm. Hmm.
Hmm. Hmm.”
We must endure his horrible tickle.
It’s more sour than a bad-turned pickle.
His victims are stabbed,
shoved into the ground and then slabbed,
London quakes at the fiend Dr. Ickle.
“Ha, ha! Well, done, lads! Here, Bobby, let’s see how your paper reads.”
The Loyalist Tribune:
QUEEN RATIFIES
ICHABOD DAY!
In a motion passed unanimously by both the House of Commons and the House of Lords, young inventor from the United States, Ichabod Temperance, will forever have his name connected to the apprehension of Great Britain’s vilest of villains.
“Ha. Ha! I thought a little human interest story on little Icky would stir up a little well deserved recognition, I never dreamed so much adulation would be continually heaped on our young friend.”
“Golly, that’s awfully swell, Miss Dipsy, Ma’am.”
“Not quite terrific enough to get a smile out of the two great stone faces. Persephone is uncharacteristically haggard and fidgety. My beaux-friend, Big Nick, is as sullen and remote as a country zealot. Maybe this next paper will get a reaction out of them. What do you have for us, Louie?”
“This next headline is brought to you by ‘The Internal Inquirer’.”
DAGGERED DASTARD
DOUBLES DOWN ON
Dashwoodey DILEMMA.
Park Bench Butcher, Dr. Ickle, once again slays a high- ranking official. Secretary to the late Lord Dashwoodey, RedRuth Argyle Schtuppe, was stabbed to death in the exact same manner as Lord Dashwoodey and left on a park bench, just as four other gentlemen murder victims. These men were all gifted tradesmen of various expertise, and have no known connection to Lord Dashwoodey or his secretary other than the manner of their deaths.
“Ha, ha! How about that? The death toll grows! Oh, I’m sorry, Persephone, I now remember that Mr. Schtuppe was a friend of yours, wasn’t he?”
“Eh, hem, yes, Miss Jigglemire, he was. His slaying is a terrible affront to me. I intend to do all in my power to assist the authorities in their investigations and pursuit of these crimes’ true culprit. The prosecution of this horrid assassin is my highest priority.”
“Well, be that as
it may, I still have one more paper to show this unresponsive audience. Steven’s son, would you do the honours, please?”
“Yes, Miss Jigglemire! Are you ready, folks? Get a load of this!”
“Eek! Hien, hein, hein!”
“My word!”
“The beastly heel! It’s a close up facial photograph of Dr. Ickle!”
“Ha, ha! Isn’t that photograph a beaut? Ha, ha! Dr. Ickle’s terrible grimace is captured for all to see! That photograph is even now, flashing around the world. ‘Dipsy Jigglemire captures Dr. Ickle on porto-plate! This dramatic image is captured thanks to modern, mobile, instant, ‘glare globes’.”
“Bah. That photograph just reminds me of how close I was to capturing that menace. I’ll get him yet, you may rely on that.”
“Gosh!”
“Oh, dear.”
“Ha, ha! What a picture! What a face! Ha, ha! Hello, Dr. Ickle, you must be the ugliest brute alive!”
“Bah, what a face, indeed. What an ugly fellow, yet, ... somehow, … he seems vaguely familiar.”
“Ha, ha! I know what you mean, Nichodimus, he does seem familiar somehow. Like something that is right there in front of your face, but you can’t quite see it.”
“That’s it, Dipsy, it’s as if my villain were right here, within an easy grasp. I’m good at reading faces. I am now having a second look at Ichabod. I see something in your face, I have not seen before, Ichabod.”
“Oh my Goodness, what is it, Detective Nick?”
“Guilt!”
“Hien! Oh, Detective Cobblechunk, you are hurting my arm!”
“I see guilt written right across your face, Ichabod, but I say that you are not at fault. Your equipment performed admirably. True, it does take some getting used to, but I say, had it not been for you and the amazing suit you crafted for me, I would never have gotten as close to capturing the fiend as I did. On behalf of a grateful city and nation, thank you Ichabod. Please know that our sorrows are not caused by you.”
“Gee, thanks, Detective Nick!”
“Ha, ha! Well, traffic may stop for Dipsy Jigglemire, but this great big world doesn’t. I must be off. Sayonara, me little dumplings!”
“Hah. I must be off as well. Stay out of trouble, Ichabod and Persephone.”
“Yessir, Detective Nick, we will!”
“Of course, Detective.”
“They sure are some nice folks, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”
“Indeed, Mr. Temperance. Now then, I am endeavoring to gain an audience with Lord Mortontoh, or, failing that, a word with his secretary, Herbertte Marshall. Now behave yourself and be a good little espionage agent. I shall pick you up at precisely four-thirty.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“And no more dealings with Professor Diddlefudde!”
“No, Ma’am.”
“Oh, Mr. Temperance, perhaps you will allow me to place a gentle kiss upon your cheek, to keep you safe, eh hem?”
“Yes, Ma’am!”
~ * * * ~
“Oh, Herbertte dear, I apologize for calling upon you without notice.”
“Think nothing of it, Persephone, darling. I was just consulting with my counterpart, Johnny Goldbuckets.”
“Ah, ‘Smiling’ Johnny Goldbuckets, how fortuitous that you should be here, for I need to know if your personnel have developed any leads as concerns our conspiracy investigation.”
“Oh, Persephone, first things first, please allow me to comment on how absolutely ravishing you are, my scrumptious child. What a pity we are brought together by this outrageous scandal, and not on more friendly businesses.”
“Oh, Johnny, you are a charmer. Behave, dear boy.”
“As to these naughty conspiracists, tragically, my people have yet to produce any results outside of a few tax-dodging coopers.”
“A pity, eh hem? Now then, I must tell you, gentlemen, I am sure that this Dr. Ickle association to Lord Dashwoodey and Schtuppsy’s deaths is a false clue. This rash of ‘Park Bench’ butcheries is a coincidence as concerns Dr. Ickle. They are, rather, conducted by an anarchist assassin with the initials ‘A.S’.”
“A coincidence! Ho, ho, Persephone, we cannot make that assumption while at the same time, Scotland Yard is so convinced that they possess irrefutable forensic evidence that every murder is with the exact same weapon and performed in the exact same manner as the Lord Dashwoodey murder. That killing happened before hundreds of witnesses.”
“Nevertheless, I am asking for your trust in this line of reasoning, Herbertte. As Lord Dashwoodey was Chancellor of the Exchequer, I propose that this position is what earned him his death warrant. The mark of death then fell upon Schtuppsy as this ruthless gang is murdering everyone associated with their dire plots, or those able to track them down. Are you sure your people have not made any progress in tracking down a secret boat production facility yet, Johnny?”
“I was just briefed by Operative Bracegirdle and she has nothing to report. I told her to keep an eye on things for me. Oh, you don’t think that was an insensitive thing to say do you, considering her singular outlook?”
“Don’t worry, Johnny, I’m sure she gets that all the time.”
“Thank you, Herbertte, now then we must take this to the Prime Minister at once. This affair must be brought to conclusion immediately.”
“Oh, Persephone, do you think you could work your charms on the Hebraic Rose who is our distinguished party leader?”
“Would that my ‘charms’ were not already so endearing to him.” ~sigh.~ “Very well, let us pay our respects, gentlemen.”
“Oh, but Persephone, the Prime Minister is directly here at hand. He just happens to be in a meeting with Lord Mortontoh as we speak. Let’s just pop in and say hello.”
~knock, knock~
“Hello, Lord Mortontoh? Prime Minister? I do beg your pardon for this interruption, but I thought you might be disappointed if you missed seeing Persephone.”
“Persephone? Persephone! Persephone Plumtartt! OOOOOOOOhhhh, what an unexpected pleasure. Yes, yes, do come in. As always, you are an absolute delight to behold, my child. A decadent indulgence to overwhelm my tender sensibilities.”
“Benjamin! Benjamin Disreali! OOOOOOOOhhhh, Benji-pooh, it is you, you devil! I congratulate you on once again attaining your title and position as Prime Minister.”
“Thank you, Persephone, darling, though I suspect you are happy for me personally, and not politically, for our last meeting ended in a bit of a row, eh?”
“Oh, Benji, dearest, we didn’t have a row, we merely had a spirited discussion on the furthering of humane working conditions in our country’s coal mining industries. No-one could think there to be a hint of dispassion between us.”
“Of course, Persephone, darling, now then please tell us what is on your mind.”
“A conspiracy to wreak havoc on the Empire and the world is close to fruition. Moreover, there is thought that a fantastic war-craft is secretly being constructed in this city with our government’s impercipient funding. Anyone associated with the project has been murdered upon their usefulness having been fully utilized. Anyone thought to be a danger to unearthing their diabolical plans is likewise, summarily disposed. These victims include Lord Dashwoodey and Redruth Schtuppe.”
“But those murders are said to have been committed by Jackie the Spring-Heeled Stripper.”
“A series of unfortunate coincidences has supplied the happy villains a rube, for whom they may blame their monstrous crimes.”
“Ho, ho! Persephone, you are incredible! Do you really mean to say you think this dreadful creature to be a poor innocent?”
“Yes, Benji, I do, you see...”
“What’s the meaning of this? Trying to have some secret meetings without me, eh? There’s a woman in the room! What is she doing here? Never mind, I don’t want to know!”
“Billy? Billy dear that is you isn’t it? Don’t you recognize me? It’s Persephone, Persephone Plumtartt. We met last year in a Birmingham Su
ffragette meeting.”
“Yes, well, you can’t expect me to remember every feather-headed woman I attempt to emancipate, do you? All you women look alike to me.”
“William Gladstone, how dare you burst into my rooms unannounced. As it is, Persephone was just telling us a thrilling tale of treason at play within these very halls.”
“Thank you, Lord Mortontoh. We must pursue this investigation with vigor from both within and without, but above all I urge you to remain constantly vigilant for danger. I cannot stress this enough: do not enter a park in this city alone at night under any circumstances.”
“Are you worried Dr. Ickle will butcher us all, Persephone?”
“No, Johnny, the danger will not lie behind the gruesome fangs of hate that Dr. Ickle displays, rather, it will be an endearing smile of trust, our murderous foe wears.”
~ * * * ~
“So, Ichabod, just because you and I got our employment termination notices does not mean I am through with you!”
“Oh, yes it does, Professor Diddlefudde, I ain’t gonna participate in your research no more! Now that you have gotten a note saying to go to Hyde Park to make contact with a government operative for your next assignment, and I have gotten a note to go to another park to do likewise, I think that our little experiment is done and through.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh! Who is that peeking in the window?”
“Hunh? Is somebody peeking in the winder at us? How are they doing that, we are on the third floor...Ow! Dad-gummit! You done poked me with a needle again, right after I said not to! You tricked me, Professor Diddlefudde!”
“I did? Yeah, so I did. Now, pay attention this time, and report to me any unusual changes you might notice.”
“I ain’t gonna watch for no more dang old symptoms and I ain’t gonna fall for your tricks no more neither. Now I just hope we are both happy with our new assignments. Good-bye, Professor Diddlefudde, you take care, now.”
~ * * * ~
“Let’s see, two double-decker steamer-trolleys have transported me to my assigned park. My instructions say to meet a tall man in black sitting alone at an isolated park bench. He is my secret operator contact. It is from him that I will receive my next assignment.”
“Gee, whiz, it sure gets dark early in mid November London.”
“Gosh, I don’t reckon there is anyone in this park but me. I’ll walk a little faster so I can hurry and find my rendezvous-er.”
The Two Faces of Temperance Page 10