Buh-duhhh, dump-
dumm-mmm-mmm-mmm
mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm
Buh-dump. Beeerralnnt.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Buh-duhhh, dump-
dumm-mmm-mmm-mmm
mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm
Buh-dump. Beeerralnnt.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Woah, Oh!
Black Dottie!
Ram-a-Jam!
Woah, Oh!
Black Dottie!
Ram-a-Jam!
Lookin’ tough but cutes,
she’s a real live puss in boots.
Yeah, oh, yeah, she’s so pretty,
but such a dangerous kitty.
Living life on the lam,
She don’t give a Rotterdam.
Buh-duhhh, dump-
dumm-mmm-mmm-mmm
mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm
Buh-dump. Beeerralnnt.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Buh-duhhh, dump-
dumm-mmm-mmm-mmm
mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm
Buh-dump. Beeerralnnt.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Woah, Oh!
Black Dottie!
Ram-a-Jam!
Woah, Oh!
Black Dottie!
Ram-a-Jam!
She’s a real pirate hottie!
There’s only one Black Dottie!
Launched from Birmingham,
Terror from here to Amsterdam.
I’d give up all my looty,
for a chance at that booty.
From above or under,
Plunderer or plunder.
Woah, Oh!
Black Dottie!
“Yar, har, har, that was a good song, Bugsy; I’ve worked up a terrible thirst. Where is that serving wench, Stephanie?”
“I don’t know, Nose. She disappeared at the same time Smiling Johnny Goldbuckets showed up.”
~ * * * ~
“Oh, golly, this old dungeon ain’t no good at all. I can’t stand it no more. It’s so dark and cold and lonely, I wish they’d just go ahead and kill me and be done. It don’t look like Miss Plumtartt is ever gonna come see me. She don’t want to be associated with a terrible, hateful villain like me neither. I reckon I can’t blame her for that. I hope she is able to just put me behind her and get on with her life. Maybe she’ll find a feller that is more suited to her sophisticated tastes. I guess it was about time for her to quit running around with someone like me no-how.”
“I hear somebody stirring around. I reckon one of the other prisoners has a visitor. Ain’t nobody gonna come see me. If even Miss Plumtartt won’t come see me, I don’t reckon nobody will. Hunh, that’s funny, the footsteps sound as if they are getting closer.”
“Yoo, hoo, I say, Mr. Temperance? Are you skulking about in the Tower cellars somewhere perhaps, eh hem?”
“Miss Plumtartt! Miss Plumtartt! I’m locked up over here!”
“Ah, yes, there you are, sir. Oh. Oh, my. Oh, my word, Mr. Temperance, you have been upset...”
“Oh,ohMissPlumtartt!I’msosorry.I’msosorry.Inevermeant noharm.I’msorry.Iwouldn'thurtnobodyfornothingMa’amI’m sorryI’msorryMissPlumtarttI’magoodboy.I’msorryImade everybodyhateme.Ididnotmeanto.OhMissPlumtartwhatamIgonnado?I’msoscaredI’msoscaredI’msoscared.”
“Mr. Temperance, please calm yourself, sir.”
“But they say I’m a monster!”
“You are not a monster.”
“They say I have assaulted women!”
“Exaggerations, I am sure.”
“They said I killed a bunch of folks!”
“Nonsense.”
“They say I killed your friend, Schtupsy!”
“I know full well that you did no such thing.”
“They say I killed Lord Dashwoodey!”
“You did not kill Lord Dashwoodey.”
“But there were witnesses!”
“Please accept my word on this matter, Mr. Temperance.”
“Yes, Ma’am. Oh, golly, you have no idea what it means to hold hands with you through these bars, Miss Plumtartt. I was feeling like I did not have a friend in the world.”
“I assure you, sir, you have the staunchest of allies in moi.”
“Thanks, Miss Plumtartt. I was afraid that you had turned against me, like everyone else.”
“I am shocked that you would consider such a thing, Mr. Temperance.”
“Yes, Ma’am, I’m sorry. Then where have you been? Why haven't you come to see me?”
“Let us not forget our original objective, Mr. Temperance. We are on a mission of National Security. I am sure that this transformation business is tangential to the former issue. My hope is that by solving the intrigue behind this conspiracy, this in turn will help to clear your name.”
“Oh, Miss Plumtartt! Do you really think so? I don’t like being a villain.”
“One should think not, sir, for the title certainly does not suit you. No, I intend to get answers from Professor Diddlefudde as regards this disaster.”
“Hunh? What does Professor Diddlefudde have to do with all this?”
“I am convinced that Professor Diddlefudde’s experiments with you as his test subject are the basis for this thorny dilemma. His serum injections have transformed you from the sweet boy I know, into a deranged maniac.”
“Oh my Goodness! I think you are right, Miss Plumtartt! Dad-gum that Professor Diddlefudde! This is all his fault!”
“Indeed, Mr. Temperance. His babbling barricade shall not defeat me again. Not only is this about securing your freedom and clearing your name, but this is an affair of National Security, as well.”
“Yes, Ma’am. That’s what Professor Diddlefudde said.”
“Hmm, yes, Professor Diddlefudde. I say, I was put off the man from the beginning. I should have made the connection earlier, but I’m afraid it took a moment to realize what was happening?”
“Hunh?”
“The beginning, Mr. Temperance; your transformation into monstrous form and assault on London bridge.”
“Hunh? I don’t understand?”
“November fifth, Guy Fawkes Day. You transformed into this ‘Dr. Ickle’ character, and assaulted London Bridge.”
“Hunh? How could you realize?”
“Hmm? Er, well, I saw you, you see.”
“Hunh!!! You saw me! Are you saying that you knew?!?”
“Mr. Temperance, please calm yourself, sir, I was merely trying to protect you.”
“But they say I was a mad anarchist, attempting to blow up the bridge with everybody on it!”
“This scenario is greatly exaggerated. I put the incident down as a brief pyromaniacal compulsion.”
“But I woke up with wet clothes from where I had gone in the river. Detective Nick noticed my wet clothes and you said you pushed me in the rain barrel!”
“There is no need to snatch your hands away. I was trying to protect you, Mr...”
“You knew! You could have put a stop to things right then and there! You told the police a lie!”
“Mr. Temperance, I was trying to...”
“You lied to me!”
“By omission, perhaps...”
“If you had told the truth, then I would not have stripped that hat and cape away from Lovey and Dovey!”
“Mr. Temperance...”
“I assaulted those poor women! I tore at their clothes! I frightened them out of their wits! I was a terrible, terrible cad!”
“Those women are fine, sir, please...”
“Hunh!!! Oh, no! No, no, no, please, no!”
“Mr. Temperance!”
“I’m a murderer!”
“No, Mr. Temperance!”
“Yes, yes I am! I murdered Lord Dashwoodey! I killed him!”
“No, no, no, Mr. Temperance, please let me...”
/>
“Hunh! You knew! You knew all along! You could have stopped this, Miss Plumtartt!”
“Mr. Temperance...”
“This is your fault! Now I am the worst villain in the whole wide world! My whole country hates me and has dis-owned me. I’m gonna be killed and will always be remembered as the worst feller that ever walked the Earth.”
“No.”
“Now I’m a thief.”
“No.”
“Cad.”
“No.”
“Killer.”
“No!”
“Traitor.”
“Please that’s enough.”
“There’s one thing I ain’t, though...”
“Mr Temperance?...”
“I ain’t no liar.”
“Oh, but Mr. Temperance, this was just a small subterfuge.”
“ . . . ”
“A plausible story to placate the police until your innocence could be proven.”
“ . . . ”
“An erstwhile harmless ruse until such time that we were able to clear things up, you see.”
“I see.”
“Mr. Temperance?”
“I have never seen this side of you before, Miss Plumtartt.”
“Mr. Temperance?”
“I thought you were true, through and through, but I reckon you are as two-faced as anybody else.”
“Mr. Temperance?”
“I want you to go, Ma’am. Good-bye, Miss Plumtartt.”
Chapter Eight.
Marooned.
He’s had his fun,
now~ it’s time for ours!
Ichabod will suffer,
for~ hours and hours!
An innocent mug,
hides~ evil beneath!
Our knifey hugs,
are~ his daggered wreath!
We’ll see you dance,
re~tribution savoured!
Hey, Icky Temperance,
Lon~don returns the favour!
“Ha, ha! Thanks, Bobby, Louie, and Steven’s son, that was cute! Ha, ha, you even got a little smile out of grumpy Nichodimus! Come on, Nicky, the lads’ little ditties are a bit grisly, but charming, nonetheless, eh?”
“Yeah, you’re right, Dipsy. Well done lads, now run along.”
“Have you been up to the Tower to see Ichabod, Nichodimus?”
“No, I have not. I still can’t bring myself to sit face to face with that lying criminal.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Nichodimus; I’m a pretty shrewd judge of character and he fooled me also. Say, that reminds me. Have you seen Persephone since all this happened?”
“No, I haven’t. Well. Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Or in this case, she will appear. Hello, Persephone. You’ve got a lot of gall approaching me, Madam. I should arrest you right now as an accessory in Dr. Ickle’s infamous crimes.”
“Yes, Detective Cobblestone, perhaps you should, for I am bearing an especially heavy load of guilt this morning. However, before you imprison me, I beseech you to hear me out on a few items.”
“Hah. Very well, what’s on your mind?”
“Consider this: Mr. Temperance has been the subject of a dangerous drug trial without his consent or knowledge. Moreover, he has no memory of the deeds committed therein.”
“Whether in his right mind or not, he did the deeds and must suffer the consequences.”
“I put to you that the assault on London Bridge was not that of a mad anarchist, but of an overly enthusiastic pyrotechnic fanatic. The onlookers were taken by Mr. Temperance’s outward appearance. I propose that this infraction could be pled down to a misdemeanor charge.”
“Lovey and Dovey’s cape and hat theft?”
“T’is but a petty crime. I can vouch that Lovey and Dovey will be reimbursed for the loss of their wardrobe accessories.”
“But he committed six murders! One of them a sitting Lord of Parliament!”
“He did not commit those murders! I know who the true assassin is, for he has attempted to murder me, also. He is the basest of pirates, and therefore of the highest esteem within those ranks. His name is Azreal Scurvybones.”
“Ha, ha! This is preposterous, Persephone! Dr. Ickle was seen by hundreds of witnesses in Lord Dashwoodey’s murder in the crowded confines of Piccadilly Palace’s lobbies.”
“I was intimate to the situation. Scurvybones had just made a second attempt on my life. This was thwarted by my having taken the precaution of wearing armoured undergarments. As Fate would have it, the experimental formula chose that moment to initiate within Mr. Temperance. My conjecture is that the stress of seeing me physically imperiled triggered the serum’s activation. In the confusion, Scurvybones made a ruthless, split-second decision, and settled for an easier, secondary target for assassination in Lord Dashwoodey. Like a clever magician, the audience’s attention was drawn toward the fantastic creature which had just manifested, and assumed that he had performed the unthinkable crime.”
“Ha, ha! That’s quite a stretch, Persephone. Do you expect us to believe all that?”
“As an experienced newspaper reporter and a renowned Scotland Yard criminal investigator, I expect the two of you as having some degree of expertise in judging your fellow man’s character. Tell me, do either of you really believe Ichabod capable of stabbing a person to death?”
“Hah. Well, you never, really know a person, do you?”
“Come now, that boy’s face is as open as a cloudless day.”
“Ha, ha! You’ve been around that kid too long, Persephone, he’s starting to rub off on you!”
“Hah. Don’t go soft on me, Dipsy, you are a witness. You and I are the only people to actually see him transform.”
“Ha, ha, right, Nichodimus, that was right after he saved your life.”
“Hah. Hunh?”
“Oh yeah, that’s right, you were probably knocked unconscious by a collapsing, fiery beam or overtaken by poisonous fumes as you lay trapped during the warehouse inferno. You missed the bit where Dr. Ickle exited the burning warehouse into which you fell. That was after you had just attempted to kill the devil doctor. When the monster emerged without you, he paused. I think the better side of Ichabod’s character was able to assert itself, for he decided to go back into the flames he had just escaped. After a few huge showers of sparks, that I postulate were caused by Dr. Icky’s heroic deeds in saving you from a horrible death, he emerged from the blaze, high atop the building. So, after risking his life and struggling under a weight four times his own, he had a chance to cast you to the street, just as you had tried to do to him, a few minutes earlier. Instead, he opted to carry you down the outside of a burning building. When the gutterspout failed, due to your enormous weight, he again saved you by taking the brunt of the fall for you.”
“Ichabod did that?”
“Ha, ha, yeah, I guess I kind of forgot about it, too.”
“Bah. Do you mean to say, Persephone, that you really don’t think Ichabod did these murders?”
“I say, Detective, I must ask; do you think that boy could have slain six men in so callous a manner? My word, such cold, and calculated murders as these park bench style stabbings are not in keeping with Mr. Temperance’s nature by my instincts and observations.”
“Where can I find this Azreal Scurvybones?”
“The man is as ephemeral as London fog, Detective. How does one normally go about defeating pirates?”
“I give up, how?”
“One overpowers them when they attack.”
“Ha, ha! Well then, Persephone, why the six murders, then?”
“A grandiose and secret project is being conducted. An uncanny ship, capable of sinking the world’s greatest battleships with impunity, is being built, or, has already been constructed. Ostensibly as an authorized government project, the ship is to be seized and operated by a band of ambitious pirates. The murders are meant to protect the conspirators. Other than Lord Dashwoodey and Schtuppsy, these murder victims have primarily
been highly specialized nautical engineers, or men of particular shipbuilding renown. I propose that these murder victims each had a part in the scheme, without realization of the illegal nature underlying the project. Lord Dashwoodey and his secretary, Redruth Schtuppe, were two of my Westminster contacts. I fear their investigations cost them their lives. I now no longer trust anyone in those halls, and am acting entirely upon my own recognizance and initiative. Your assistance in this dilemma is hereby cordially invited.”
“Ha, ha! What do you say, Nichodimus? I much prefer this narrative over an evil Ichabod.”
“Hah. Perhaps, Dipsy. What did you have in mind, Persephone?”
“I have a rather unpleasant chore I must accomplish. In the meantime, perhaps you will enjoy more success than I in tracking down this elusive ship. Its place of manufacture is well hidden. I fear the launch of this vessel is imminent. If successful, this ship could very well never be stopped. Every Navy on Earth would be in peril; every seaport, at the mercy of these ruthless buccaneers. I invite you to further your own investigations and be prepared to act with vigorous response at a moment’s notice.”
“Ha, ha! You can rely on me, Persephone. What about you, Nichodimus: do you want to help Persephone and consider rethinking your case against Ichabod?”
“Bah. I still think I’ve got my man, however; I will keep an open mind as to the admission of further evidence.”
“I say, that shall have to do, for now, eh hem?”
“Bah. What’s this ‘unpleasant chore’ you must accomplish, Persephone?”
“I say, if you don’t mind, detective, I wish to exercise discretion as to those details.”
“Ha, ha! There’s more to this story than we first anticipated, Nichodimus. The strange case of Dr. Icky and Mr. Temperance grows curiouser and curiouser.”
~ * * * ~
“I say, this errand has been every bit as unpleasant as I had feared, but I feel much better having secured this vital evidence in my hotel suite.”
~knock, knock~
“Hello? I say, there is an unexpected knocking at the door. Yes, who is it, please?”
“Room service.”
“Room service? But I did not order...”
~Slam!~
“Oh! It’s you. I should have known. My primary culprits: Azreal Scurvybones, Severity Bracegirdle, and Smiling Johnny Goldbuckets. To what do I owe the dishonour, my lawless trespassers? Could this visit be in regard to your insidious plot to ransom the world, via submersible warship, eh hem?”
The Two Faces of Temperance Page 14