“more
challenging
than the
last.”
“We
shall
remove its
cumbersome
locks with
a stroke of
this battle axe.”
~kuh-chunk!~
“One good,
solid strike
to the clasp
should complete
the job.”
~chungk!~
“Eek! Stop there! This is the House of Lords! A monster such as you, regardless of how surprisingly comely you are, my dears, cannot attack this sanctified institution! And, might I add, you certainly may not do so whilst in such inappropriate attire.”
“Burbity! Indeed, women are not allowed here in the House of Lords outside of royalty and we do not expect them to arrive bare-legged.”
“Bup, bup, bup, just so, though of course, m’Lord, the fetching creature is wearing intricately patterned hosiery.”
“Burbity, nevertheless, her legs are bared for all the world to see.”
“Harumph. Yes, quite so, m’Lord. So too, has the traitorous female chosen to invade this sanctum in little more than her contour-enhancing undergarments.”
“My Lords,
your eyeballs
bulge
to the point that
we fear the orbs
shall pop from
their
sockets.”
“Enjoy
the view,
boys, you will
be admiring it
for a long time
to come.”
“You may
desist in
whatever it is
you are doing,”
“and see
to our
coronation.”
“This country
has languished
without a
proper leader
for too long.”
“The reign of”
“Persephones Plumtartt”
“cannot
arrive soon
enough.”
“We
don’t want
anymore
obstinacy.”
“Take it from us,”
“your
resistance
to the
inevitable,”
“is truly
an effort
in futility.”
“Now then,”
“where is
the former
queen,”
“and
Prime Minister?”
“We
wish to
hurry the
proceedings
with all
due haste.”
“You outrageous woman! This has gone far enough! This is the heart of the British Empire and you will show the House of Lords more respect!”
“We say, this
Parliament
belongs to us,
now.”
“Do not be so
presumptuous
as to think this
body of men
could oppose
the inescapable
conclusion
that we,”
“and we alone,”
“are destined
to rule the
British Empire.”
“Imprudent
action on
your part
will be your
final folly.”
“Westminster
had better
become
accustomed
to doing things
our way
in short order,”
“eh hem?”
“Burbity. Gentlemen, we must band together to stop this woman!”
“Hear, hear. So too, must we put aside socially prudent ideals and appropriate the girl, manually, er, so to speak. As much as my high ideals of this Victorian Era are distressed at the concept, I feel that it is for the greater good of National Security that we must suffer the burden of laying hands on her voluptuous flesh. Harumph.”
“Charge!”
“We say,”
“We
are cheered
to see our
new Members
of Parliament
working together
as a unified
team.”
“How
dreadful,”
“however,”
“that you
use this
newfound unity
against your
nouveau royal.”
“So be it.”
“You
Parliamentarians
leave us
no choice
but to strike
your members.”
“Ow!” “Oof!” “Burbity!”
“Wah-hai-ee-yiah!”
“Ha, ha!
That’s more
like it!”
“Choke on
this procedure,
you
tawdry Tory.”
“Hai-yuh-wauki!”
“That should
knock the
writ out of you,
you big Whig.”
“Well, it didn’t
take long to
get our
Houses in order,”
“after all.”
“There now,”
“where is the
former queen,”
“and our
Prime Minister?”
“We wish the
coronation
to proceed
with all
due haste.”
“Ahhhhhh-hahahahahaha!!!”
~ ~ ~
“...and I say that the coming ‘Ichabod Temperance Day’ festivities should be a joyous occasion! Leave it to you, Gladstone, you contemptuous, cantankerous crank, to take all the fun out of the thing.”
“Fun?! Who is having fun? This is a solemn occasion. This is a dark time in our country’s otherwise illustrious contributions to nineteenth century history. Leave it to you, Disraeli, to make a circus out of a mass!”
“There is the thing, precisely! Oh, William, you do understand! The populace cries out for a happy release, but of course our perpetual, sour-pussed populist, William Gladstone, insists that we rain on everyone’s parade. In this sense, almost literally. I mean really, where is the harm in a patriotic parade, hmmm? So, one or two might end with an image of the scoundrel burned in effigy. I say, let the rabble have a bit of fun.”
“Burning pyres the country over, piled high with images of this Ichabod Temperance fellow, eh? I should think that an annual wearing of black armbands on this date should suffice, don’t you, your Majesty?”
“Mmm-nnn-yesss, Mr. Gladstone, I can see your point in maintaining a modicum of decorum, yes?”
“Just so, my Queen.”
“Mmmm-nnn-yesss, but One also sees Benjamin’s point. I suppose having a few tasteful burning effigies of the scoundrel every year is acceptable, yes, Mr. Gladstone?”
“I think not, your Majesty.”
“You see, Victoria, darling? The man is impossible!”
“Hmm...”
“Be reasonable, Disraeli, we just entertained a fireworks and effigy laden holiday with ‘Guy Fawkes Day’, less than two weeks ago. It seems to me, that such a redundancy in pyro-oriented celebrations might, in time, lose their popular enthusiasm.”
“Oh, I doubt that very much, William. Your Majesty, let us not...”
~CRASH!~
“Ahhhh-hahahahahaha!”
“Here we
all are!”
“Billy.”
“Benjy.”
“and Vicky.”
“Persephone, what has happened? You look, em, twice as beautiful as usual.”
“Thank you,”
“Benjy-”
“Pooh,”
“darling.”
“We
feel twice
as
beautiful.”
“As
to our
magnificent
appearance,”
“well,
isn’t it
obvious?”
“We
have gone
through a
metamorphosis.”
“We
are
changed.”
“We
are
evolved.”
“We
have
passed”
“through a
chrysalis,”
“and
we are now
something
more than
mundane
and
human.”
“We
now exhibit
our
extraordinary
charms
unabashedly.”
“Look
at you,
Victoria,
and look
at us.”
“Clearly,
I am the
embodiment
of rule and
command.”
“Step down,
woman,
and we will
spare your
life.”
“Resist us,
at your peril.”
“Mmm-nnn-yesss. One is witness to one’s ‘extraordinary charms’, and One is neither amused, nor impressed.”
“What did
you say?”
“Do
you know,”
“to whom
you speak?”
“Mmm-nnn-yesss, One converses with an overconfident, under-dressed, two-headed débutante who needs to learn to behave herself, regardless the number of heads she is forced to wear and endure.”
“How
dare
you,”
“speak
to us like
that!”
“This villainy shall desist at once. I have no doubt that you are out of both your minds at the moment. Please return when you are able to conduct yourself appropriately.”
“No-one
instructs,”
“us,”
“on
behaviour,”
“Madame!”
“One has endured enough of this boorishness. Good Evening, young Lady, you are invited to leave.”
“Very well,”
“Victoria,”
“you
had your
chance.”
“Now you
shall die!”
“Oh, golly gee whillikers, don’t do it, Miss Plumtartts!No, Ma’am’s, no, please, stop!”
“Ichabod!”
“No, Miss Plumtartt, please don’t kill Queen Victorier! Y’all would feel awful about it later, I just know it!”
“Go away,
Ichabod.”
“You
were not
supposed
to be here
for another
thirty
minutes.”
“Please don’t do this, Miss Plumtartt!”
“Why not,”
“Ichabod?”
“Because it ain’t the right thing to do!”
“Ha, ha!”
“Oh,
that is
cute,”
“Ichabod.”
“The
next thing
you will
be saying
is that
this is a
matter of”
“National Security,”
“eh hem?”
“Well, I reckon this could be seen as a National Security... No! Dang it! Hang a bunch of National Security! I am sick and tired of everybody using that as a trump card to play. I have been jerked around by that phrase for weeks, but I ain’t kow-towing no more. I’m telling y’all straight and true Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am’s, you all just need to be good for Goodness’ sake!”
“Ha, ha!”
“Please, Miss Plumtartt, y’all just gotta do right.”
“We do what we know is right.”
“Oh, no y’all ain’t doing right, neither, and y’all know it! Y’all do so know better. Way down deep, you know. You know this is wrong. I’ve seen a lot of two-faced people, Ma’am. I’ve got my feelings hurt by folks that I thought were my pals. People will say one thing, and mean another. I’m sick of all the falsehoods and self-serving lies. Truth still has a place in the world! Doing right ain’t always easy. We are constantly bombarded with choices. Do we tell the truth, or do we fib. I want you to know that I ain’t got but the one face. I don’t know how to lie and I don’t want to learn. Honesty is the best policy. If I have to choose between truth or lies, I pick truth. I pick doing the right thing. This ain’t about good versus bad. This ain’t even smart versus stupid. This is about right versus wrong. Miss Plumtartt, you, you, just got, got, got, to...”
“Ichabod?”
“Ohhhh, woah, oah. Miss Plumtarttt, Plea-ea-ea-ease! You don’t want to do nothing bad! You are a good girl!”
“Why,”
“Mr.
Temperance.”
“You
are
overwrought,”
“and
emotional,
sir.”
“I know! I’m sorry! I can’t help it!”
“There,
there,”
“Mr.
Temperance.”
~sniff.~ “Hugs, Ma’am?”
“Of course,”
“our Ichabod.”
“Here,
let us hold
you.”
“How’s
thi…”
“Oh!”
“You
stuck us
with a
needle!”
“What
have you
done?”
“I’m sorry, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I reckon I had to tell just a little, itty bitty white lie so I could get close enough to inject you with the antidote to your affliction.”
“Antidote?”
“But
we don’t
want an
antidote!”
“It’s for your own good, Ma’am.”
“You lied to us!”
“Yes, Ma’am, I reckon I did, I’m awfully sorry.”
“You
treacherous
little
fool! You
traitor!”
“You
have betrayed
us!”
“Eerrnnhh...” “Eerrnnhh...”
“Eerrnnhh!...”
“Ohhhhhhhhh....”
“Miss Plumtartt! She is fainting! There, I’ve got you, Ma’am. Ma’am? Miss Plumtartt? Eew. The second head is dissolving and falling away. Miss Plumtartt’s single neck is now properly centered again. Miss Plumtartt, Miss Plumtartt! Please speak to me, Miss Plumtartt! Can you hear me, Ma’am?”
“Hello, is that you, Mr. Temperance? I say, what are we doing in Queen Victoria’s chambers? Has something of importance occurred?”
“Oh, not so much, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. Nothing for you to worry about. You just relax, and I’ll explain later.”
“Nothing for me to worry about eh? I suspect that you are putting a good face on a bad predicament, sir.”
“There is only one face I am concerned with, and she is the one and only most beautiful gal in the world.”
“Ah-Mmmmmmmm-Mwah!”
The End.
Afterword
Thank you, my friends, for sharing in our adventures.
Cheers!
Your pal,
~Ichabod.
The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance
A Matter of Temperance
(Volume One of
The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance)
A World of InTemperance
(Volume Two of The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance)
For the Love of Temperance
(Volume Three of The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance)
A Study in Temperance
(Volume Four of The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance)
In a Latitude of Temperance
(Volume Five of The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance)
The Measure of Temperance
(Volume Six of The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance)
The Seventh Voyage of Temperance
(Volume Seven of The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance)
The Title of Temperance
(Volume Eight of The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance)
A Journey of Temperance
(Volume Nine of The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance)
available in print and for Amazon Kindle at Amazon.com and CreateSpace.com
additionally,
‘A Study in Temperance’ is available in an audio version.
The Two Faces of Temperance Page 20