Even before the show, I sometimes met guys who weren’t quite right, you know what I’m saying? Sometimes you can tell when you first meet them, but sometimes, it takes a minute for you to realize it. That’s how it was when I met a guy I’ll call “Sam” when I first moved to Atlanta.
At first everything was great. I liked Sam and he seemed nice. Pretty quickly I could tell he was more into me than I was into him. He really liked me, and after only a couple months of pretty casual hanging out together, he started talking about getting married. We’d be driving around the city together, and he’d be pointing at houses.
“You like that one, Toya?” he’d ask. “I’m gonna buy it for you.”
I thought that was a little strange. I hadn’t known him long enough to even start thinking about a serious relationship, and he was already talking about settling down?
It got worse.
I don’t know if you would call it stalking, but he kept popping up on me everywhere I went. If I went to visit a friend, he’d be driving in the neighborhood, or even stop by her house. If I went to the grocery store or to run some errands, there he was. It made me really uncomfortable. I felt like he was checking up on me or something, trying to make sure I was where I said I was. That’s bad, even if you are married to each other, because if you don’t have trust, then you don’t have a relationship. We didn’t have it like that. We weren’t married. We weren’t even boyfriend and girlfriend. We’d just been on a few dates, and that was it.
This went on for a couple of weeks before I got sick of it. I broke it off with Sam and I told him why. I let him know that I just didn’t like the possessive vibe he was sending out. He went crazy. Somehow he got his hands on some pictures my friends had taken of me and he put them all over the Internet along with my phone number. “She’s a freak!” he wrote on this website, detailing all kinds of nasty stuff I would do to them if they’d call the number. It was really sick.
Sam also caused me problems at home, too. My little brother was living with me then, and Sam convinced him that they were friends. So my brother was telling him where I was and taking his side in my house! I had a serious talk about loyalty with my brother, which he really didn’t like. He got mad and left me to go back to other relatives in New Orleans. It took a while to sort all that out and for my brother to understand how Sam had been using him to try to force me to continue dating him.
At the lowest moments of my experience with Sam, I was afraid to stay in my own home. I don’t know what would have happened if he hadn’t decided to go back to New Orleans (he was from there, too).
He went back, and ended up getting killed. I guess he ran into some trouble down there. I really don’t know the story, but I heard that someone shot him. By then, I had already decided--no more dating for me. None. I went on a loooong break from men.
It wasn’t just the experience with Sam. My dear friend Shawnte’s murder a little while later really put the lock on it for me. Some of the things she went through were things I had avoided just by luck with Sam. I felt like I had every reason to worry about violent and abusive men. The way she died shook me up so badly that for a long time I didn’t take any chances with anyone. In every man’s face I saw the potential for harm hiding just beneath his smile. I wouldn’t let my guard down to any of them because of this for a long time after her death. I was just too scared. I didn’t want her fate to become my own.
Little by little, I started to realize that my fears were cutting me off from adding the possibility of a happy relationship to my life. I knew I had to be cautious or I’d make the same mistakes I had in the past, and get swept up in a relationship with someone who could never really be serious about me. I knew I had to be cautious or I might become a victim of someone who claimed to love me, but was actually unstable. While I’ll never forget the lessons of Shawnte’s death, I don’t want to live my life being so suspicious that love can’t find me. Some men are abusive, but not all of them are. I had to trust that I’d learned something from Shawnte’s experience and at the first sign of something “off” , back out of the relationship and move on.
I wanted a man in my life, but I wasn’t feeling desperate about it. I’m not one of these women who loudly proclaim they “don’t need a man.” It’s true, I don’t need a man, but I do want someone to share my life with me, and that’s just the truth.
I met my guy, Memphitz, a couple of years ago at T-Pain’s BET Awards after-party. I usually don’t date guys I meet in a club because when you meet a guy in a club, you know something really important about him—that he clubs. Guys that go to clubs to hang tend to be boys, still playing. They haven’t grown up. They haven’t become men who are interested in something real.
The after-party had a club feeling to it, but because it was at a beautiful private home in Los Angeles, I made an exception to my usual rule about men I meet in that atmosphere. We talked. It was nice. He was a different kind of guy than the guys I usually meet. I found him interesting, and at the end of the evening, I broke my other rule and gave him my number.
We hung out when we could. We were both busy and had a lot going on in our lives, so it wasn’t like dating or any big love affair at first. He had a house in Atlanta, but spent a good deal of his time in New York. When he was in Atlanta, he’d call and we’d chill around the city, getting to know each other.
We started out more as friends than anything else. He had a situation and I had a situation and neither of us was free, so it really couldn’t have been much more than friendship. I was involved with a player from the Buffalo Bills, and he had a girlfriend. We talked about those relationships. We tried to give each other advice. It was like having a good friend from the opposite sex to help give you another point of view.
I invited Memphitz to my birthday party and he brought me a present--a pink gun.
I was still dating the player, but things hadn’t been good in a bit and I was starting to feel that he wasn’t the right guy for me. In one of our many conversations, I’d told Memphitz that I wanted a little gun. I wanted to learn to shoot for protection. After the incident with the fan who tried to follow me home, I was rattled. I was a woman alone with a young daughter. I don’t have security, and I don’t have guards. I wanted a gun--a pink one. (Hey, I’m a girl!) I’m not trigger happy and I’d hope to never, ever use it, but I knew it would ease my mind to have it.
Here was Memphitz with a pink gun in a pretty little box for my birthday.
I was really touched. It was sweet that he’d remembered, and it made me see him in a different light. He was really paying attention to what I was saying, and he really wanted to see me happy. Most of the guys I’d hung out with only paid attention to what made them happy. They rarely gave the women in their lives much thought at all.
It was a real light-bulb moment for me.
Memphitz had proved to me he was different from most other guys. We were still just friends, but the thoughtfulness of his present kept coming to my mind again and again.
Of course, the player didn’t like Memphitz or his present. He felt disrespected because someone else had shown more thoughtfulness toward me than he had. I didn’t care. I was ready to break up anyway. I wasn’t going to let someone who wasn’t really feeling me tell me to cut off a friend who genuinely cared for me.
No way.
Meanwhile, my friendship with Memphitz continued to grow. When the time was right for both of us, we finally took our three and half year friendship to the next level. We got engaged and are planning to marry soon.
I’m happy.
I can tell you, it’s wonderful to be in love again. I feel very secure about this relationship because it grew so slowly. We really know each other and neither one of us was swept away in a big fairy tale kind of romance. We love each other because we’re friends first, and lovers second. He’s good to my daughter. He treats her like one of his own kids. My daughter loves him and is happy, too.
I’m not expecting happily ever after, but
I do expect we’ll work together to build a good life.
I wish the same for you.
Toya’s Priceless Gem: When you really love and trust yourself, you won’t accept less than real love and trust in your relationships. If your relationships aren’t working, he’s only half the problem. The other half is you, and you’re the one you need to love the most.
Afterwords
Since we started doing Tiny and Toya, people have been asking me:
“When you gonna write that book, Toya?”
“Where can I get your book?”
I knew I wanted to write a book, but it seemed like a pretty big undertaking. Even though I’ve been through some stuff in my life, stuff that people seemed to be able to relate to, I didn’t want to just talk about myself. I wanted to try to write something that meant something to young girls and women out there who might be going through some of the same things, and feeling some of the same feelings that I felt.
I hope I’ve been able to do that because even if your name isn’t “Antonia”, you ARE priceless. If anybody says otherwise, you send ‘em to me.
Love,
Toya
Special Thanks and Acknowledgements
Before I thank anyone else for all of their help and assistance in getting this book written, I want to thank God. Without Him giving me the experiences I’ve had and giving me the ideas He did, this book would not have been possible.
Secondly, I have to thank my daughter, Reginae. You are my princess, my reason for being, and my everything. Thank you for being you and always know that I love you. I owe many thanks to my family. I thank my mom and dad for giving me life and my Aunt Edwina and my Uncle Frank for raising me to be the strong woman that I am today and for constantly pushing me to do better. My sincere thanks go to Nathaniel Holden for always being my rock, and for being the consistent man in my life throughout the years. Even though he had his own family, he always made room for me and he was always there, trying to steer me toward the right, even when I wanted to go left. I also am grateful to his wife, Kristalyn Holden, for always being an ear for me and always listening and offering support.
Cheryl Washington, I thank you for being for such a good big sister/cousin to me. Then there’s Kathy Williams, Frank Holden, Jr., and all of the Holden family for accepting me like a little sister and always looking out for me. Thanks go to all of my brothers and sisters—we’ve lost a lot of time, but all of you have embraced the whole situation and I’m looking forward to a bright future. Many thanks also go to Jacida Carter, Dwayne Carter and the Carter family for their love and support through the years. I also want to thank my grandmother, Helen, for teaching me the importance of having tough skin, and to my grandfathers, Tillman and George, and my other grandmother, Jackie, for connecting me to my history.
Thanks and love to my friend, Danielle, for showing me what true friendship is all about. You truly are the best. My friend, Lydia, has been extremely helpful and, of course, I can’t forget my “Glam Squad,” LaTasha Wright and Rikya Taylor, who make sure that I always have the right look for every event and occasion.
I also want to thank James Dubose, my new brother, for believing in me when nobody else did. My love and thanks to Tiny for being such a good friend, and to all of the fans for watching Tiny and Toya and making it such a success. My attorney, Uwanda Carter, was extremely helpful too in seeing this project through to completion, as well as all of the people at Farrah Gray Publishing, especially Dr. Farrah Gray, Shannon Leon and Karyn Folan for all of their help with getting this project out of my head, onto paper and into bookstores.
And last, but not least, thanks to Mickey Wright, Jr. for being the love of my life, and for understanding me and accepting my daughter as his own. I love you dearly.
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Table of Contents
1. HOUSE AND HOME
2. BOYS TO MEN
3. SEX AND LOVE
4. PREGNANCY AND MOTHERHOOD
5. HEARTBREAK AND HEALING
6. DRUGS AND ALCOHOL
7. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
8. MONEY AND FAME
9. FRIENDS AND USERS
10. GOSSIP AND THE TRUTH
11. SELF ESTEEM AND BODY IMAGE
12. TRUST AND REAL LOVE
House And Home
BOYS TO MEN
SEX AND LOVE
PREGNANCY AND MOTHERHOOD
HEARTBREAK AND HEALING
DRUGS AND ALCOHOL
DOMESTIC VIOLENCES
MONEY AND FAME
FRIENDS AND USERS
GOSSIP AND THE TRUTH
SELF ESTEEM AND BODY IMAGE
TRUST AND REAL LOVE
Priceless Inspirations Page 14