I had keys in my hand before sundown, with a plan to go furniture shopping the next day, whichmanaged to keep my mind off of my evening plans for most of the day.
I spent the whole next day shopping and unloading things in the new house, trying to make it livable, but as the day was winding down, I knew I couldn’t ignore what was coming anymore.
I’d agreed to have dinner at Lexi’s that night, and I couldn’t let them down.
The house wouldn’t have a bed until it could be delivered the next day, so I was still at the hotel for one more night, bent over the vanity, clutching the edge of the counter with white knuckles. I’d just gotten out of the shower, shaved and clean, and then I was standing in the mirror, trying to comb my hair like it was going to make a bit of difference with my short cut.
I got dressed, putting on jeans and a t-shirt first, before taking the t-shirt off and putting on a button-down. It just seemed more appropriate. I didn’t know.
I didn’t know what I was doing or why I was so nervous. It was just dinner with Lexi and Dallas. It wasn’t like they were strangers or anything. They weren’t my enemies. They were my friends, damn near my family, so why was I so damn nervous?
Nervous or not, I wasn’t going to be late. I took one last look in the mirror, baring my teeth to make sure there wasn’t anything stuck between them before I headed out to my truck.
When I started it up, the radio was playing some song I didn’t recognize, but it was a girl singer, clearly trying to entice a man in the song. She wanted him to make a move, was trying to be as obvious as she could be, and the song was still about how he left her frustrated.
I flipped the station and there was a commercial for hamburgers on. That seemed easier to ignore and dismiss, so I left it.
My heart was racing, my stomach was in my throat as I walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell. I looked at the time on my phone. Right on time. I hoped she wasn’t wanting me to be fashionably late.
I almost snorted at the thought. Surely Lexi wouldn’t ever expect there to be anything fashionable about me.
My amusement died the instant she opened the door in a pretty yellow sundress that hugged her curves in all the right ways. The sight of her there with her hair up in a high ponytail, her pale creamy skin kissed with freckles, seemed to have a direct connection to my dick. For the first time in what felt like forever, I was turned on as all hell, just looking at her.
But it wasn’t really the first time in forever. It was the first time since the last time I was around Lexi. I hadn’t cared about any of that shit at all, had pretty much thought my dick stopped working after Wyatt died, but it was definitely working now, but why did it have to be Wyatt’s wife making it happen?
Talk about awkward.
“Hey! Come on in,” she said brightly, stepping back from the doorway with a sweeping gesture inside.
Maybe I should have brought her flowers or something. It felt weird to be there empty-handed, but this wasn’t a date. This was Dallas wanting me to see his new toy and Lexi trying to be polite and not upset her kid who’d been through enough already.
I needed to remember that. Get it through my thick skull.
“Bear!” Dallas squealed, running up to me, grabbing my hand, dragging me toward the stairs. “Come on! It’s up here!”
Lexi gave me an apologetic look, but I just smiled at her and shook my head, trying to silently tell her not to worry about it. I liked Dallas. I liked that he liked me. We both had a connection to Wyatt that made us have a connection with each other, almost by default.
Dallas led me up the stairs and down the hall to his room. It was clearly a constant struggle for Lexi to keep it tidy, because the kid had toys strewn all over, but it was obvious there was plenty of storage and organization. Lots of bins and buckets, drawers and shelves for all his miscellaneous doodads.
“Oh, is this the new train?” I asked, looking down at the track that was only half-built.
“Yeah, I’m trying to make it do a jump. Do you wanna help set it up?”
I chuckled quietly, shaking my head. Oh, to be a kid again. “Yeah, of course,” I answered, getting down on the floor with him.
He started showing me the work he’d done so far to set it up, what he had planned. It was a pretty cool set actually, it gave him a lot of freedom to make the track however he wanted and I could tell that it was stimulating his brain, making him think like an engineer as he built bridges and ramps.
The first few attempts resulted in disastrous crashes, but as frustrated as he was that it wasn’t working the way he wanted, Dallas also loved watching the carnage.
I couldn’t blame him. It was fun. It was like directing your own action movie, and for a little while, while I was on the floor playing with him, I felt like a kid again too, making sound effects and describing the flaming wreckage while he laughed and reset things.
“I think it’s going to work this time,” I told him, adjusting a couple of the blocks ever so slightly to line up with the ramp on the other side of the jump.
“Me too,” Dallas said, excitement shining in his eyes.
“You ready?”
He nodded, putting the train at the beginning of the track, letting it go, watching as it flew downhill, through the tunnel, around a corkscrew bank, gaining momentum downhill, approaching the ramp. I wasn’t sure it was going to have enough speed to clear the jump, but then the train soared through the air, landed on the other side, and plowed right into a block city we’d set up at the end, all the buildings toppling over like bowling pins.
“YES,” he cheered, me whooping at the same time.
“That was really cool.”
“Yeah,” he said grinning. But the longer he looked at it, the more his smile started to fade.
“What’s up?”
“Do you think my mom would think it’s cool?”
“I don’t see why not.”
He dragged his teeth over his lips, looking uncertain.
“She doesn’t smile that much anymore…”
All the air whooshed out of my lungs, and I wanted to hug the kid, but I wasn’t sure how he’d feel about it, so I didn’t. He was worried about his mom. Of course he was. He might have been young, but he was a smart kid, he could see what was going on. He could tell his mom was struggling.
“She’s going to be okay,” I told him, hoping it was true. Lexi was a trooper, through and through. If anyone could get through a thing like this, it would be her. “She just misses your dad.”
“Yeah,” he said, his mouth twisting with uncertainty. Guess I wasn’t as convincing as I wanted to be. “I just want her to be happy again like she was.”
God, I’d never know how people could handle this all the time. A kid’s emotions were so much harder than an adult’s emotions. They were so sincere and genuine. So selfless. I’d never wanted to help a guy out more.
“I know, kiddo. I want that too. And I’m here to help make it happen if I can,” I said, thinking about things she still needed done around this place.
Dallas looked at me for a moment, then stepped forward and gave me a big hug. I didn’t know where it came from or what it was for, but I wasn’t going to argue or push him away. I squeezed him back, trying to put how much I cared about him and his mom’s happiness and well-being into that hug. I didn’t know if a hug could really convey all that, but I was going to try to get the message across.
“I don’t know about you,” I said as he pulled away, “but I’m pretty hungry. What do you say we go see how long it’ll be until dinner?”
He nodded, the serious concern slowly fading out of his expression. I knew it was still there, still nagging at him every chance it could, but he was trying to put on a brave face like the rest of us, bless his little heart.
As we headed downstairs, the smell of herbs and garlic and tomatoes went straight from my nostrils to my stomach, making it gurgle and growl, making my mouth water. It smelled like Italian — what, I didn’t kno
w, but there was no mistaking that combination of smells, and I couldn’t wait to stuff my face full after a whole day of secretly moving.
It’s not really a secret, I just didn’t see any reason to announce it to anyone. If someone asks, I can tell them I got a new place. No big deal.
“I should have known you two would be down here following your noses,” Lexi teased as we walked into the kitchen, sniffing the air.
“It smells amazing,” I said. “How long?”
“It’s ready, just need to pull it out of the oven. You boys wash up.”
“Yes ma’am,” I said, sending her a little grin. If I wasn’t imagining it, her cheeks flushed just a bit at that.
She served lasagna — amazing lasagna, as a matter of fact — and tried to be so humble about it.
“I swear, it’s just a recipe from the internet,” she laughed.
“I don’t believe it. Those recipes are never good until you’ve tweaked them a million times to your tastes.”
Her cheeks flushed again. “Well, I have made some alterations,” she admitted.
“Mhm. Knew it. You couldn’t fool me.”
She smiled across the table from me, her eyes down at her plate. Was I crazy, or were we getting awfully close to flirting territory? I wasn’t sure, but I also wasn’t going to push it. We had a nice pleasant dinner, with cheerful conversation and enough quiet chuckles that it hadn’t been as somber an occasion as I feared.
But even with all that, I could feel the absence. I could sense that something — or maybe someone — was missing. And I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to fill that gap, as much as I was starting to realize I wanted to.
14
Lexi
I couldn’t believe how nice the night with Bear had been. It felt wrong for enjoying his company so much, for laughing at his jokes, for meeting his smiles with smiles of my own. I felt like a traitor, but I also knew those feelings weren’t fair. They weren’t fair to me. I deserved to move on. I deserved to be happy. The thought that I needed to be grieving forever was ridiculous.
“Dallas honey, why don’t you go upstairs and get ready for bed?” I said, clearing off the table.
Bear got up and helped me without saying a word, carrying dishes over to the counter behind me.
“You don’t have to—”
“I don’t mind,” he said, going back for more.
I started to put the leftovers away, stacking dishes in the dishwasher.
“I’m so glad you fixed this thing.”
“Has it been working all right?” he asked.
“Yeah, like a dream. I can’t believe how much you managed to get done in one day.”
He shrugged, looking like he didn’t think he deserved the compliment. “It wasn’t a big deal, really. I still need to come by and do the rest of it.”
“Do you wanna take some of this home?” I asked, gesturing to the lasagna.
“Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?”
“What?” My brow furrowed with confusion, and I tried to parse his words. Then it made sense and I just shook my head, chuckling. “That’s a new one,” I said, pulling out a Pyrex dish for his to-go box.
“Really? You never heard that one?”
I chuckled again, shaking my head still. “Nope, can’t say I have.”
“Oh, well I’ve got a ton of them from the Army… but that’s probably the only G-rated one,” he said, smirking.
Damn, that looked good on him. That easy-going smile was way better than the growly moodiness he had before. It made me wonder what had changed in him. What made this shift happen.
But I liked it, so I wasn’t going to complain.
“Here you go,” I said, handing him the dish with a big heaping helping of lasagna in it. “You can put that right in the oven. Probably give it twenty or thirty minutes… Oh, shoot! You’re in the hotel, aren’t you?”
“Actually… I kind of got my own place,” he said, taking the dish from me.
“Oh! That’s great, where at?”
“On Fern. It’s not much, but it’s better than the motel.”
I smiled at him. The fact that he got a place meant that he’d be sticking around for a while. He certainly didn’t seem sure of that when he first got back to town, what changed his mind?
Dallas would be so thrilled to have him around all the time. They’d already bonded so much I couldn’t believe it, but then again, I guess they already kind of knew each other from years of Skype calls.
“So I take it you’re not planning on running away anytime soon, then?” I asked, heart in my throat for who knew what reason. I guess for the first time, I was realizing I didn’t really want Bear going anywhere. Not again. I was so afraid that if he left again, he’d be the next one to never come back. I couldn’t stand the thought of it. If he wanted to stay in Rockford, all the better. He had friends here, he had his family, and a support system that he wouldn’t have anywhere else.
This is where he belonged, and I almost didn’t want to hope that he’d realized it too, but I did. I really really hoped so.
“Nah. Where else would I go?”
I shrugged. “Anywhere you wanted.”
“Already here,” he said, the tone of his voice launching something fluttering in my stomach.
He’s not talking about you. Snap out of it.
I knew he wasn’t talking about me, because half the time, it seemed like Bear didn’t want to be anywhere near me. Even at the tee ball game when I thought we’d been getting along all right, he’d abruptly left and gave me the cold shoulder.
He showed up tonight, yeah, but that could so easily just have been for Dallas’s sake.
“Well, I’m glad. We’re all happy to have you around.”
He laughed. “I don’t know if I’d go that far. I’m a grouchy pain in the ass, but I appreciate it.”
I walked with him to the front door, feeling like I should say something more, but I didn’t really know what.
“Thanks for coming over tonight. Dallas was really looking forward to it. I hope he didn’t drive you too crazy with his excitement.”
Bear shook his head. “Are you kidding? I had a blast.” He smiled at first, but then it started to slip, his eyes losing the happy gleam.
“What is it?”
“I probably shouldn’t say anything,” he said, shaking his head.
“What?” I asked again, my tone a bit firmer.
He sighed. “Dallas… He told me he’s worried about you. He wants you to be happy again.”
I groaned, dropping my head to my hands. “Oh god…” Embarrassment flooded my face, making it burn hot, and I shook my head. I knew Dallas was worried about me, but I didn’t think it was that bad. “Jesus, I’m sorry Bear. You didn’t need that—”
“It’s okay, really,” he said, and I believed him. He sounded too sincere not to. “You don’t need to be embarrassed… But I did promise him I’d try to help.”
That got me to look up, my eyebrows shooting up into my hairline. “Oh?”
Suddenly, he looked bashful, eyes turning down toward the ground. “Well, yeah, obviously.”
“You don’t need to do anything. I’m fine. I—”
“I know you’re strong, Lex. There’s no doubt in my mind that you’re going to get through this stronger than ever. But I did mean it. At least let me thank you for having me over? I need to break the new place in. Why don’t you come over for dinner tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow?” I asked, my voice turning to a squeak. That seemed really soon. Like, almost date-territory soon. But I was crazy for thinking that. Bear’s still just trying to make up for how he was before, right? He’s just trying to make amends?
I wasn’t sure.
“If you don’t want to…”
“No, that’s not it…”
“I’d really like to cook you dinner, Lexi. Please?”
I couldn’t believe he was practically begging me at that point. How could I possibly say no after
that?
“Um… Sure… If I can convince Lyla to babysit, yeah. Why not? It’ll be nice to have a night without any kids.” I realized I just assumed that he wasn’t inviting Dallas too, making it more intimate than maybe he intended. “Unless you were inviting him too,” I added quickly, hoping that didn’t make me seem desperate.
“I was thinking just you,” he said.
The way he said it… His voice skimmed over my skin and made me shiver. Surely he didn’t mean it the way I thought he meant it. Surely that was just my overheated brain making me misinterpret things.
But it made me shiver all the same.
“Okay,” I answered, barely a whisper. The way he looked at me, I thought he might just kiss me, but no. That was crazy. He could barely stand to be around me.
“I’ll text you the address and time.”
“Sounds good.” I nodded as he retreated to his truck, waving at me when he climbed in.
Confused and not at all sure what was happening with all of that, I headed back inside and upstairs to check on Dallas.
He was just climbing out of the bathtub, putting his pajamas on when I peeked in the bathroom. “Doing okay, bud?”
“Yeah.”
“Want me to read you a story tonight?”
He gave me a look that said I shouldn’t have to ask and I laughed.
“All right. Brush your teeth and meet me in there.” I hung around in the doorway long enough to watch him put toothpaste on his toothbrush and bring it to his teeth. Boys were tricky. You had to keep an eye on them when it came to hygiene. I was lucky that Dallas enjoyed bath time so much, but beyond that, Mom had to be extra vigilant.
I listened to the sounds of him brushing, then the water running, him swishing and spitting, just like I taught him. He always was a smart kid. I couldn’t imagine ever loving someone as much as I loved that little guy.
He came tearing into the room and leaped into his bed with a big flop, snuggling down into the blankets.
“All minty fresh?”
“Yep.”
“Which book do you want tonight?”
A Baby for the Soldier (Boys of Rockford Series Book 2) Page 9