“I’ll take the biggest coffee you’ve got, black.”
“All right, no problem. Any breakfast or pastries today?”
I looked at the case, at the ample selection, turning over the choices in my head.
“Sure, I’ll take one of the cranberry orange scones.”
“You want it warmed up?” she asked.
“Do I?”
She grinned. “You do.”
“Well, why not, then,” I chuckled.
“Perfect. That’ll be three-twenty-three.”
I handed her a five and she passed me the coffee.
“I’ll get your scone warmed up for you, it’ll just take a minute.”
I nodded, sipping the coffee, closing my eyes with a groan. That was what I was there for anyway.
The coffee shop was small, and mostly decorated with an obvious coffee-theme. They had a display of t-shirts on the wall that said things like ‘I drink coffee for your protection,’ and ‘the mug is my drug.’ There were a few bistro-style tables, but all of them had customers at them at the moment. I didn’t mind standing. There was enough interest on the walls to keep me occupied.
“I didn’t tell you what I saw this morning, did I?” a woman said, grinning over the table toward her friend. They were both in their mid-thirties or so. Looked like the soccer mom types.
“Oooh, no, what did you see?” the other woman asked, her tone excited.
I laughed to myself, still reading the signs and shirts. They’re probably excited about some sale or something, judging by their appearances.
“Well, you didn’t hear it from me, but I saw someone doing the walk of shame this morning,” the first one cooed, so proud of herself.
I froze, listening closer, my stomach clenched tight. They wouldn’t be… Surely not. I knew in a town like Rockford that there was plenty of gossip, and really no one had any secrets, but still, I strained to listen.
“Who?” the second gasped.
“Little Miss Librarian.”
“Someone’s out of mourning!”
The paper cup in my hand crunched, the lid popping off and flying. They were fucking talking about Lexi. My Lexi.
“Here you are,” the old lady behind the counter grinned, handing me my scone. Her eyes flicked down to the cup clutched too tight in my grip and she casually handed me another lid. “Have a nice day!”
My blood was simmering hot, and I knew I should leave it alone. I knew I should just walk away and leave them to their gossip, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
I stepped right up to their table, face probably near scarlet with my fuming, because when the looked up to see who’d cast a shadow over their table, they looked startled. Maybe even scared.
Good.
“What a grown woman does in her own time shouldn’t concern you. Gossip is a disgusting habit and you should learn to mind your own damn business, or you might not like what people have to say about you when the tables are turned,” I growled.
They just gawked up at me, jaws slack, eyes disbelieving. I didn’t wait for them to reply. I’d said what I needed to, so I left the shop, still so irrationally angry on her behalf.
Lexi didn’t deserve that shit.
I wasn’t sure I actually made things better, but hopefully those bitches would think twice before gossiping again.
There was no putting it off anymore. I needed to find her and talk to her. I’d gotten my coffee, gotten breakfast, dealt with Knight… I couldn’t stall anymore. I needed to face her. Even if it meant she told me she never wanted to see me again. I had to have an answer. This not knowing was killing me slowly.
Just as I stepped onto the sidewalk and looked down the street, I saw a familiar swish of bright red hair and my heart seized in place. Without thinking, I tossed my stuff in the trash and sprinted after her. She was headed the opposite direction, turning around a corner, but then I caught up to her, reached out, grabbed her shoulders, my breath coming in quick pants.
She turned with a start, her eyes going wide to see me there.
“Bear! I’ve been looking for you,” she said, surprising the hell out of me.
“I was looking for you,” I answered, eyes falling to her lips without my say so. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to drag her into my arms and never let go. But she was still closed off from me, her arms wrapped around her midsection, her teeth dragging over her bottom lip thoughtfully.
“Why don’t we go back to my place and chat?” she offered. Chat. What the hell did that mean? I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad, but I knew it had my stomach twisting and turning with nervousness.
But I couldn’t say no. Talking to her was exactly what I wanted. I couldn’t chicken out after all of this. I had to know. If she was going to turn her back on me and push me away, at least I wanted to hear the words from her. I wasn’t going to just assume. Not with something like this.
“Okay.” I nodded, swallowing thickly.
“I’ll meet you there.”
We went our separate ways without another word. Without a hug or a kiss or anything. I got back to my truck and looked for her, but she was already gone. I just had to follow.
When I got to Lexi’s house, she was already sitting on the porch. She lifted her hand in a half-wave as I pulled into the driveway. I sat down next to her and let out a heavy breath.
“Bear—”
“Lex—”
We both tried to talk at the same time, and I shook my head. I still didn’t really know what I wanted to say to her. I didn’t know how to tell her what I was feeling. So maybe it was better if she went first. Maybe she’d save me the trouble and tell me she wanted nothing to do with me. Then at least I wouldn’t have to put words to all this conflict that was swirling inside of me.
“Go ahead,” I said, urging her on.
22
Lexi
Sitting on the front porch, my knee bouncing while I chewed on my nails, I almost hoped Bear wouldn’t show up. At least then I wouldn’t have to face him. I wouldn’t have to have this terrifying talk with him.
The last time I had a talk like this with a guy, I was in braces and pigtails. It was so long ago that I didn’t even really remember how it had come up, or what I had said. I just remembered that ever since then, it was me and Wyatt.
Until it wasn’t.
Until he left me and I started thinking about someone else.
About Bear.
And now, now I was terrified that Bear didn’t think about me the same way. But I couldn’t let my fear stop me from finding out.
I watched as his truck came down the street and took a deep breath, straightening my shoulders.
You can do this, Lexi. You’re a strong independent woman. You can have an adult conversation.
I kept repeating things like that because I needed to hear it. Maybe if I heard it enough I’d start to believe it. I waved at him as he pulled in, trying to crush the swarm of butterflies in my stomach with an imaginary boot, but they refused to go. The door to his truck slammed shut and Bear casually walked over to the porch, taking a seat next to me. He looked so damn good. Even hungover and clearly unshowered. He had that five o’clock shadow that made his jaw look so perfectly chiseled and cut. His walk had a swagger to it that I’d never really paid much attention to before, but now that I’d slept with him, I understand it much better.
He had plenty to be confident about. Just thinking about it was enough to make my face warm up, my mind turning to thoughts of dragging him upstairs and having my way with him. It was that kind of reckless behavior that had gotten me there though.
“Bear—”
“Lex—”
He sighed, eyes meeting mine, stealing my breath away.
“Go ahead,” he prompted.
Of course. Make me go first.
Oh well. Here goes nothing.
“I’m sorry about the way I left this morning,” I said. That seemed like a good enough start. I wasn’t sure what else I wanted to say to him,
though I’d been thinking about it a lot while I was driving all over town trying to track him down. “I’m sorry I freaked out and left without saying anything. But this is all kind of crazy, you know? I didn’t… I didn’t expect…”
I blew out a heavy breath, shaking my head.
“I didn’t expect this to be so hard, that’s for sure,” I muttered.
Just as I did, he reached out and put a hand on my knee. It was an innocent touch, especially since I was wearing jeans, but it was comforting all the same.
“I guess there’s no point tiptoeing around it. I like you, Bear… a lot,” I said, swallowing, feeling like I was twelve all over again with my very first crush. “I never saw it coming, but I have feelings for you and I can’t deny it anymore.”
I couldn’t look at him once I got all the words out. There was still a lot I wanted to say, but that seemed to be about the gist of it. Now I just had to wait for his response.
But there wasn’t one forthcoming.
The silence stretched between us like taffy until I couldn’t stand it anymore and finally looked over at him.
I’d hoped he’d be happy. I’d hoped that with my revelation, his face would light up and he’d tell me he felt the same.
Clearly, those had been the hopes of a fool. A naive, childish fool.
Bear’s face had only grown darker, and when I looked at him, he pulled his hand away, leaving my knee cold in its absence. It felt like the air itself got colder between the two of us, and I hugged my knees to my chest as the tears clogged my throat, choking me.
I started to move away from him, to stand up and leave. I couldn’t just sit there with that overwhelming hurt weighing down on my chest, squeezing the air out of my lungs.
It was hard enough to be honest about how I felt about Bear. It had been hard enough to tell my mom, to open up about all the guilt and mixed feelings I was having. And then to decide to tell him, to bare my heart, to put myself out there and have him say nothing at all?
I couldn’t stay there. I needed to go. I needed to be alone to lick my wounds.
This was why I never should have opened myself up so soon after Wyatt died.
But did I really have a choice? I’d never consciously decided to open my heart. I’d never considered dating or moving on before Bear came and made it impossible not to. He just came into my life and pried it open with a crowbar without even trying. And now he was going to tell me that I’d gotten the wrong idea. That he didn’t mean to lead me on, but he never should have slept with me. That he only played with Dallas and had dinner with us because he wanted to do right by Wyatt.
There were my worst fears, and it was all about to become true. I couldn’t bear it.
So I went to move away. But when I did, Bear reached out and grabbed my arm.
“Lexi, wait,” he said, his voice broken and pleading. I didn’t know what he could possible want me to wait for, but if I didn’t get away from him in exactly two seconds, I was going to start crying.
“There’s something I need to tell you too. And I think it’s probably going to change everything you just said.”
My heart sank, my blood slowing to a stop, but I stayed put, sitting on the porch next to him, waiting expectantly for whatever he had to say that was probably going to be worse than his silence. But I had to hear it. My curiosity wouldn’t let me not. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, pushing a tear out of each eye before I swiped them away quickly.
“Go on then.”
23
Bear
Fuck, how did I even start? I didn’t know where to begin. I didn’t even know what I really wanted to tell her exactly. I just knew she needed to understand. She needed to know what a fucked up guy I was for letting this get as far as it had.
My heart was in my throat, and looking at her only made it worse. She was so beautiful, so open and vulnerable. And I’d already made those beautiful gray eyes tear up once. It damn near wrenched my heart straight out of my chest.
“You already know that me and Wyatt met in kindergarten. Just a couple of babies, but we promised to be best friends forever. I know it’s silly, but even twenty-five years later, that promise meant something to me.” I shook my head, clearing my throat, trying to rein in my emotion long enough to get through this.
“Well, we got older… He found you, fell in love… He was crazy about you Lex, you shouldn’t doubt that. But there was a part of Wyatt that he didn’t share with anyone. Not you, not me. I don’t know why. I don’t know what he wrestled with, but I knew it was there. And I should’ve told you. Before we ever enlisted, before you ever got married… I knew.”
I swallowed again, my throat coated in sandpaper.
“What are you—”
I held up my hand, shaking my head. “I’ve just gotta…”
She nodded.
“I’m sorry…”
This time, it was Lexi who reached out for me, taking my hand in hers.
“It’s okay, Bear.”
“It’s not, though. I feel like I failed you. I should have warned you. I knew deep down that Wyatt wasn’t ready for the life he was signing up for, but I never said anything. I thought he knew what he was doing. I thought he couldn’t handle it. You know? I thought we were all just kind of faking it, trying to muddle through life without really knowing what we were doing or where we were going. But I think with Wyatt it was different. Deeper. He did the things he thought he was supposed to, but he never… I don’t know if any of it was ever what he really wanted. And I know he loved the hell out of you and Dallas. I’ve got no doubt about it, but the more I think about why he did it… What made him… I just… It’s the only answer I can come up with, you know?”
I was talking so fast that the words were just tumbling out of me in a free fall. I couldn’t stop it. My mouth was a runaway train and my brain was the out-of-control boiler fueling it. I took another deep breath and blew it out.
“But I thought we had it under control. We joined up together, traveled the world, saw all kinds of shit, good and bad. We got used to that life… It wasn’t exciting after long. It was just another routine, just another job. Wyatt always expected that it would be non-stop adrenaline, but you build up a tolerance to it, you know? There’s a point when the gunfire’s as easy to ignore as popcorn in the microwave. He got bored… Restless… But I still just thought it was the normal shit, you know? I was bored and restless too. Everyone gets that way over there.”
My voice trailed off and I stared out straight ahead at the street. The quiet sunny suburban street. This was what we were defending, what we were fighting for. What everyone wanted to come back to. But Wyatt had made the choice to never come back, the bastard.
I still wrestled with it. How could he give all this up? No amount of explanations seemed to make it any clearer.
“I should’ve known. I knew him better than anyone and I didn’t see it coming. I had no fucking idea, Lex. He blindsided me and I just can’t believe it.” She squeezed my hand, reminding me she was still there, still with me. Why she was still there I had no clue. She shouldn’t be. I didn’t deserve to have her.
A strangled cry came from my chest when I tried to take a breath.
“And then you… I feel so guilty. It feels like we’re going behind his back, but that’s not how it is. He’s the one that went behind our backs. He did this. I want to be mad at him but I can’t stop hating myself long enough.”
She scooted closer, tears in her eyes. And then Lexi laid her head on my shoulder, her strawberry scent filling my head, making my soul ache with longing.
“I feel the same way,” she whispered, her voice soft and broken. “I hate him for leaving me like this. For choosing to abandon us, but I still love him so much that I hate myself for being mad at him. And I hate that he was going through… whatever it was and he didn’t think he could talk to me. We talked all the time. I was his wife. We were supposed to be partners. No secrets. And then this…” She swallowed, tears streaming down
her cheeks as she shook her head.
“It was such a shitty thing to do,” she said, her anger palpable.
“It was,” I agreed.
“I didn’t even know he was depressed. He was always so happy. So full of life…”
I shook my head. He was. For her. He let me see the darkness underneath — at least a glimpse of it. “I’m so sorry, Lexi. I let you down,” I said, my own tears breaking free.
She pulled away, giving me a stern look. “Bear, listen to me and try to actually get it through that thick skull of yours, but you didn’t do this. You didn’t let me down. And you definitely didn’t fail me. Wyatt’s the only one that did that. You’re just as much a victim as I am.”
“Why don’t you hate me?” I asked, my heart breaking. I didn’t want her to hate me. Just the thought of it hurt. But she should have. There was no reason not to.
But she smiled. She smiled and it was like the sun breaking through after a terrible storm. “It’d be pretty hard to hate you considering how much I like you.”
“You mean it?” I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I didn’t think I deserved anything as amazing as Lexi, but I’d tried enough to make her see that and if she still disagreed with me… Well, was I supposed to reject my lottery winnings just because I felt unworthy?
Her fingers curled around my jaw, drawing me forward until we were millimeters apart.
“I do,” she whispered, my heart beating frantically.
“I like you too,” I said, closing the space between us, just touching my lips to hers. It was the softest kiss, gentle, slightly salty from a mixture of our tears.
“Why don’t you take me inside and prove it?” she asked, a smirk turning her lips. I kissed her harder, pouring everything I felt into that kiss, every bit of adoration, admiration, wonder… even love.
Yeah. There was no denying it anymore. Now that I didn’t have to be afraid of the rejection. Now that I wasn’t trying to protect myself from inevitable destruction.
A Baby for the Soldier (Boys of Rockford Series Book 2) Page 15